A Chapter In My Life Soon To Close

*I'm laying in the operating room, tubes are coming from my arms. The smell of pure oxygen and antiseptic fills my nose.  I can hear the beep, beep of the monitors by my side.  There is a bright white light over my head, and I can hear the nurses over in the corner preparing everything for the surgery.  The anesthesiologist places the mask over my face and tells me to breathe deep.  I enter into a drug induced fog, everything is numb.  Voices have turned to murmurs, I cannot understand a thing that is being said, but I know what they are working towards.  All of the sudden, voices become clear, and I hear my doctor say, "OMG, there is a baby in here!"  But it's too late to do anything for the baby, my uterus has already been taken out, and is laying on top of my abdomen.*

Thus has been the dream I have been having every night since Thursday night.  Thursday at my doctor's appointment it was decided that a hysterectomy would be in my best interest because the andenomyosis was starting to flare up again, and causing me a lot of pain. Surgery is set for November 4th.  I am having a terrible time dealing with it, too.  Yes, I have 5 beautiful children that I am forever grateful for, and no we weren't planning on having anymore.  The doctor had done a tubal during Jacob's delivery.  But there is just such a finality to this procedure.  I know my doctor would not perform the procedure without first making sure that dream would not come true.  I guess this is just a way my subconscious is saying this is it, no more babies.  In taking my uterus he may has well be taking any other babies I was supposed to have.  I know millions of women go through this surgery every year, I just can't seem to come to terms with it right now.  My husband says just be thankful for the healthy happy children we have.  And my God, I am.  But I feel like this is taking one of the things that defines who I am.  It's hard to talk to anyone about it because it's hard to understand why I am feeling this way.  I have been blessed many times over, whereas some women struggle just to have 1 child of their own.  It will take me quite some time to get over this, emotionally, and I'm doing the best I can.