Pondering through the recession (Humor)

Periodically I write a column with questions for you to ponder. I do this as a public service, my small part in reducing the stress and angst in modern-day America.

Philipp's Dictionary

Ponder (PON-der) vt.

1. To wonder endlessly over questions that have no importance or no answer or both.

2. An ancient technique for dealing with cataclysmic stress such as the Apocalypse, economic reversals, serious illness or the cancellation of "American Idol" (Come on, folks. It willhappen one day).

HISTORICAL NOTE: God invented pondering after he booted Adam from the Garden of Eden and noticed the first human obsessing over the question What was she thinking?According to historians, God planted an alternative question in Adam's mind that may have been Will I get cancer from picking my nose with a lead pencil?That is why, even today, men do not know the answer to Adam's first question.

I would like to address the second definition of the word ponderand suggest it as an excellent coping mechanism for dealing with (or denying) the current recession.

Answer me this: Would you rather spend your time worrying about recession-based fears, such as:

* How will I make my house payments when my adjustable mortgage adjusts?

* Which of my car salesman skills are transferable to another career?

* Will there be any money left in Social Security or Medicare by the time I qualify?

Or, would you rather spend your time on recession-proof ponders, such as:

* With real estate prices finally dropping after 160 years, are the Miwoks plotting to use their casino profits to buy Marin County back?

* Is wondering whether a horrible smell is skunk-related an example of profiling? If so, can you be cited by PETA for thinking that?

* Can you cry if you are under water?

* How famous do people have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of murdered?

* How many Marinites does it take to decide on a light fixture?




* Is a court hearing “impaired” if the defendant is deaf?

* Do two-size: 12pt;">people who don’t know what they’re talking about know more than one person who doesn’t know what he’s talking about?

* If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit?

* Will doctors on South Eliseo Drive be considered a separate ethnic group in the 2010 census?

* If you ate pasta and then antipasto, would you put on any weight — or would the vowel change negate that?

* Is there a special jail for people who park a non-compact in a “compact” parking space? If so, are the cells smaller than regular cells?

* How many of anything constitutes an inundation?

* If California goes belly up, should Marin County secede or buy the rest of the state?

* Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

* Is it against Marin County law to buy Velveeta with intent to eat?

* Who placed the first garden gnome? Andwhy?

* In the 11-dimension universe that string theory predicts, does a 45-RPM record have a K Side?

* As always I like to end with the master of them all, George Carlin, who posed this question: If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is that considered a hostage situation?

I suggest you keep this list handy (along with the ponders from earlier columns) so you will have it available should you leave you home one morning and see four galloping horsemen — or a congressional budget committee — coming down the road.