by Tracy Fabre
Member since:
July 13, 2008

Island Tale #40: A Few Good Men

October 02, 2009 01:42 PM EDT
views: 182 | comments: 101

 

This Island Tale will use only THREE CHARACTERS, all male, whom I have arbitrarily (because I can do that sort of thing) chosen from the usual "cast", and SHORT comments.

The three characters in the story should be:

Doug H. (and his rice cooker)
Lance L. (but no salsa)
Peter Swanson (he brings the faboo)

These characters, and only these "characters", should be in the Tale.

Again, SHORT comments. 

  

When you get to the end of the second line
in your comment box, stop typing. STOP TYPING.
STOP TYPING.

 

100th comment should include the phrase, "I told you once already, ya dunderhead!"

Go!

 

~  ~  ~

For a look at previous tales, click here.

For a list of PLACES on the Island, click HERE.

Click here for a Tale with the most recent CAST LIST.

*******  ALL ARE WELCOME to participate *******

Remember -- REFRESH often, and don't be offended if your comment is removed because it either doesn't fit the previous comment (whatever that is), or simultaneous comments were entered and one works better than yours.  We have all deleted our own comments at one time or another.

Oh, and join Gather Island too!

P.P.S. PLEEEEASE DO NOT 'REPLY TO COMMENT'. Just do reg'lar, old-fashioned comments.   [Exception: to correct a comment, do reply to the comment before yours.]

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Comments: 101

Tracy Fabre Oct 2, 2009, 1:42pm EDT
Doug was polishing his rice cooker gently one afternoon down by the beach, readying her for a photo shoot by the sea, when
Doug H. Oct 2, 2009, 1:55pm EDT
he noticed that all the women had apparently vanished from Gather Island. He thought about this for a respectable moment, then resumed his work of polishing the rice cooker.
Tracy Fabre Oct 2, 2009, 2:06pm EDT
It wasn't so bad, having no women around; after all, they were so picky and demanding. He thought about this while he got the camera ready for the photo shoot, and then
Doug H. Oct 2, 2009, 2:24pm EDT
it hit him. "I can't take this photo!" He had planned to have one of the ladies put on a grass skirt, cradle the rice cooker like a newborn babe, and flash a winning smile. "I guess I'll...
Vivian P. Oct 2, 2009, 2:41pm EDT
ask Peter to pose with the rice cooker after all...
Tracy Fabre Oct 2, 2009, 2:46pm EDT
since he does like to sashay." He scooped up the RC (he couldn't leave her on the beach unattended, even though she had a Ninja component), and wandered down to
Peter's hut, where he found Peter polishing his faboo. "Oh, Peter!" Doug lamented. "The women have all
Susan G. Oct 2, 2009, 3:25pm EDT
vanished! They are nowhere to be found. Not that I've looked, but, you know." Peter nodded his head for he did indeed know. He knew more than Doug realized. He
Tracy Fabre Oct 2, 2009, 3:43pm EDT
in fact even knew the way to San Jose, but what he didn't know was where the women had gone. "Would you like to see my faboo?" he asked, while
Susan G. Oct 2, 2009, 3:50pm EDT
Doug avoided direct eye contact. "Uh, no thanks" he replied. "I think I'll go see if I can find Lance and ask him if he knows what happened to all the women. Nice shoes, by the way." Then Doug
ann c. Oct 2, 2009, 4:08pm EDT
walked down the beach looking for Lance, leaving Peter alone with his faboo and wondering why Doug wouldn't want to see it. Peter decided to take a nap under the nearest
Lance L. Oct 2, 2009, 4:16pm EDT
Hamm's Bear cut out. Doug honestly didn't want to visit that friggin' salsa head, but the lack of high pitched squealing, the smell of Nads and cheesey popcorn was beginning to rack his psyche. "It's fascinating how the vacuum of even things that annoy you will disrupt a routine." He stopped in mid amble and struck his best Archimedial pose "Routine!! That's it I'll go see if Roarke knows anything!!" With that he . . .
Susan G. Oct 2, 2009, 4:21pm EDT
abandoned his search for Lance, knowing that the guy couldn't follow instructions so it was highly unlikely that he could follow women, and started out for the Margaritaville Open-Air Pavilion in hopes that
Lance L. Oct 2, 2009, 4:37pm EDT
Roarke was there. Roarke enjoyed planting spiders among the Plantains in the market and then watching the reaction of the indigenous people, become indignant. The man was an . . .
ann c. Oct 2, 2009, 4:42pm EDT
unlikely candidate for such jokes but he enjoyed a good laugh now and then. Doug did not see Roarke at the Pavilion, in fact not one person was there. Seems everyone on the island had
vanished, except for the three allowed characters. Doug gathered some spiders to take to Roarke in the next episode, when he was allowed to be there, and left for
Tracy Fabre Oct 2, 2009, 6:27pm EDT
San Jose using Peter's instructions. But he was stopped by the lack of transporation off the island, and while the MoonDoggie 3000 was talented, even she couldn't
ann c. Oct 2, 2009, 6:45pm EDT
travel that far without changing back to a rice cooker. Doug was unsure what to do now. He was giving up hope of ever finding Lance when suddenly (as things are on Gather Island),
he fell into a deep hole on the beach. Shaking the sand out of his hair, he grabbed his rice cooker and took
Tracy Fabre Oct 2, 2009, 6:56pm EDT
a look around the hole. It seemed to be carpeted, and had plastic grapes tacked to the sides, and the rice cooker emitted a series of beeps indicating Tackiness Overload, so he
Dame Ruth, Chief Executive Elitist D. Oct 2, 2009, 9:15pm EDT
flung it aside, and went in search of Peter and his faboo. Although not overly fond of Peter, he secretly wanted to hang out with the faboo, but thought it would make him seem less of a
Tracy Fabre Oct 2, 2009, 10:11pm EDT
faboo-resister...but then he remembered that a) he was still in a hole and b) would never ditch his beloved rice cooker, cuz, duh. So he used the Moondoggie's Floaty Thingy to
Doug H. Oct 2, 2009, 10:56pm EDT
float things. "Hey, come back here!" Doug called out to the levitating rice cooker. "If you wish me to land," said MoonDoggie 3000, "answer me these questions three. WHAT is your..."
Mustafa Demiri Oct 3, 2009, 1:20am EDT
...favourite Beatles song?... When is the best time to water your lawn? ... And, If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?..." Doug pondered these carefully....
while Peter sneakily sashayed to the edge of the hole. "Hey, Doug! If you want, I could summon up the ghost of Joan Crawford to help corral the Moondoggie." Doug declined, because he knew Joan wasn't allowed on this thread, so
Tracy Fabre Oct 3, 2009, 8:02am EDT
he settled for begging (manfully) the Moondoggie to come back. The Moondoggie said implacably, "You have not yet answered my questions three." Peter watched as the rice cooker turned
Susan G. Oct 3, 2009, 2:45pm EDT
all violet-y purple and shimmery. Doug screeched "No! Moondoggie! No!" Peter stared at Doug. Doug continued screeching "Moondoggie, don't go!" The rice cooker, in a puff of pink smoke,
Tracy Fabre Oct 3, 2009, 3:14pm EDT
zoomed off over the palm trees. As the smoke dissipated it spelled out "gone to find the women." Doug dropped to his knees, weeping, and this is when Lance came to Peter and inquired, "What's with the guy in the hole?"
Mustafa Demiri Oct 3, 2009, 7:11pm EDT
"It's Doug", Peter said with folded arms "and all he keeps saying is 'Paperback Writer... seven... I'm not sure...'... come on let's help him out... Take me by the ankles and....."
Tracy Fabre Oct 3, 2009, 7:30pm EDT
swing me around." Lance frowned: "How will that get him out of the hole?" Peter said, "It won't, but I thought it might be fun." Lance suggested, "Why don't I just give him a hand up? The hole's only three feet deep." He reached out for Doug, who
Mustafa Demiri Oct 3, 2009, 8:15pm EDT
took his arm in a Roman arm-clasp, rose up out of the hole, took Lance's arm in the same fashion, and said in a very "Adam West-Like" soliloquy, "I have failed to answer the questions posed to me by that pernicious Moondoggie... Join me, brothers...."
Tracy Fabre Oct 3, 2009, 8:38pm EDT
So Peter got out the book tape and strapped the three of them together, so fast that Lance barely had time to snarl at this outrage. "Why'd you do that?" he bellowed, struggling to free
Mustafa Demiri Oct 3, 2009, 9:45pm EDT
himself from the sticky bands. "Don't tell me that neither of you observe this custom..." Peter said with a perplexed look in his eyes. Doug and Lance looked at him for a solid half-minute and answered him with a simultaneous, "No!"
Tracy Fabre Oct 3, 2009, 9:58pm EDT
Sighing dramatically, Peter efficiently chewed through the tape (best not to ask) until they were all free. "Shall. We. Go. Look. For. The Women?" asked Doug tightly. Lance said, "Why
Susan G. Oct 3, 2009, 11:13pm EDT
are you speaking in sentence fragments? Did you overdose on punctuation? Did they have a sale on periods and you just couldn't control the impulse spending urge?" Doug
Doug H. Oct 3, 2009, 11:50pm EDT
emitted an unpunctuated sigh. "My Moondoggie has gone rouge. I mean 'rogue'. It does this whenever I let it watch too many soap operas. I'm a bit stressed, so I think we should all just...
Tracy Fabre Oct 4, 2009, 1:46am EDT
have a lie-down with cucumbers over our eyelids." Lance, after a moment, smacked him, shouting "Snap out of it!" until Doug regained his proper levels of macho-ness. Doug tried another approach with
"Then, why don't we all just go for a nice pedicure?" Lance did a re-smack and Doug fell back into the hole, much to Peter's
JOHN BECK Oct 4, 2009, 10:13am EDT
dismay. Presently all three turned their attention to the rice cooker, who had flown the coop. Doug realized that the hole was lined with a plastic grape-adorned carpet. "I wonder if this is really a magic
Mustafa Demiri Oct 4, 2009, 10:24am EDT
flying carpet." Doug raised his hands and with undulating fingers began to chant the only magical chant he could remember for the moment, "Seem Salla Beem!...Seeemm Salla Beem!"
Tracy Fabre Oct 4, 2009, 12:03pm EDT
However, this only conjured up the cranky genie from the Once Upon A Time tale, and Doug hurriedly reversed the chant to get rid of her again. "Try this one," Lance said, and
Dame Ruth, Chief Executive Elitist D. Oct 4, 2009, 12:48pm EDT
lo and get hold, all returned to its former configuration, except now the rice cooker was smoking a cucumber under the Tiara Tree which is allowed in this tale because who's to say it's a female, and went to
the smoking section of the island, leaving Doug stuck in that blasted, tacky hole. Lance was at a loss as to how to fix this dilemma and was about to give up when
Doug H. Oct 4, 2009, 5:17pm EDT
the rice cooker returned to the hole and hovered expectantly. Doug pinged it with plastic grapes, saying, "Are you over your tantrum?" Moondoggie buzzed negatively and said, "We want a shrubbery!"
This was when the Tiara Tree appeared and shrank down to the size of a shrub. Peter galloped over and picked his favorite tiara, then sparkled his way to the edge of the hole. He looked down, expectantly, at Doug while offering him his
Tracy Fabre Oct 4, 2009, 5:53pm EDT
left shoe, the slightly cleaner one. Lance grabbed it and smacked Peter with it. "Out of the hole already," he bellowed, and yanked Doug up by brute force, flinging him nearly ten feet beyond the
Dame Ruth, Chief Executive Elitist D. Oct 4, 2009, 6:04pm EDT
Tiara Tree, which had pulled itself up by its root straps and regained its former glorious height and proportionate weight by the strength of its indomitable will and determination, much to the dismay of
Kathryn E. Oct 4, 2009, 6:04pm EDT
You all do this sooo very well!
Tracy Fabre Oct 4, 2009, 6:32pm EDT
which was the name bestowed upon Peter by the Cherokee during a ceremony in which... but I digress. Peter, aka You all do this sooo very well, knew he would have to give back the tiara lest the Tree
refuse to give accolades for the great comeback of the Giant Eye, which much surely belong to Doug or Lance or Peter in this episode.
Tracy Fabre Oct 4, 2009, 6:43pm EDT
The three men, wise enough to fear an angry tree, grabbed the possibly magic carpet up out of the hole and ran like hell, ending up in Vivian's Bar & Car Wash, which was empty of
machinery needing cleaned, leaving the opportunity wide-open for the Three Wise Men to cleanse their bodies of all
Tracy Fabre Oct 4, 2009, 8:30pm EDT
impurities, using Vivian's patented Soul Cleanse & Pat Dry® setting. They were basking in the glory of unprecedented cleanliness when Peter remarked, "Why is the rice cooker
Mustafa Demiri Oct 4, 2009, 10:49pm EDT
leaning over the control panel?" It's one red eye glowed with unfeeling cold cathodic fire. Doug shouted out to it, "Rice cooker, Step away from that control panel!"... Its reply came in a very steady cybernetic voice, "I am sorry, but I can't do that, Doug."
Tracy Fabre Oct 5, 2009, 12:43am EDT
It was too late to stop the carnage. The men were blasted with cooked rice from every angle, and then coated with oils and spices, and
Doug H. Oct 5, 2009, 9:05am EDT
drizzled with sesame oil, extra virgin olive oil, and clarified butter. Then came the snowstorm of grated Pecorino Romano cheese. Lance squinted and covered his mouth with
pasta to soak up the grated cheese. All this did was provide him with a very cheesy smile. He bravely sucked it up, then laced up his galoshes to help him wade through the drifts of
Doug H. Oct 5, 2009, 11:42am EDT
dry Romano. Peter and Doug slipped and fell repeatedly on the oily floor. Lance was able to move through the treacherous food towards the rice cooker, whose LED flashed through a series of...
Tracy Fabre Oct 5, 2009, 11:55am EDT
symbols for "phlbbbbbttt" until Lance punched the secret reset button through a storm of cheese and rice and pasta.... and then the rice cooker went dark. "Shall we try the wash again?" he asked edgily, and
Lance L. Oct 5, 2009, 12:17pm EDT
steadied himself with the manual washing wand. "Brace yerselves fellas it's time to get hosed." Peter and Doug found firm spots within the bay to brace themselves against the power of the water jet. Lance readied the wand and . . .
ann c. Oct 5, 2009, 12:36pm EDT
pointed it toward Peter and Doug but something seemed to be wrong, no water came out. Lance threw the wand down. Apparently the impact dislodged the clog and water burst forth knocking Lance, Peter and Doug
Tracy Fabre Oct 5, 2009, 2:08pm EDT
on their boheinies, and the hose went wild, not unlike when a crowd goes wild, only minus the applause and the obligatory "wave". Still... it cleaned them up. It cleaned them in a
ann c. Oct 5, 2009, 2:41pm EDT
way they have never been cleaned before, except now they were wet. "You don't happen to have a drying wand, do you?" Doug asked Lance. Peter was flapping his arms and jumping around trying to
Tracy Fabre Oct 5, 2009, 2:51pm EDT
see if he could fly, since he had the attention span of a gnat, and that's when they remembered the potentially flying carpet they'd pulled from the hole. Sure, it had bits of rice on it now, but
ann c. Oct 5, 2009, 3:16pm EDT
it should still work. They looked around for the possible flying carpet and saw that it was stuck in the top of a palm tree. "So who's gonna climb up there and get it?" Doug asked. Peter
Susan G. Oct 5, 2009, 4:03pm EDT
said "It won't be me in these shoes! You know it has to be Lance--he's the one who has on the proper shoes for the job. Remember how he was able to trudge through the oily
Tracy Fabre Oct 5, 2009, 4:44pm EDT
dinner. Besides, he's this tall and this wide, and deep, baby, real deep." Lance muttered, "If I hear that one more time, I might just
tap dance my way to Broadway, where I'm sure I'll be discovered and make a million dollars! If I do that, I'll come back to this island and rescue youse peeps, as long as you figure out where the women
Tracy Fabre Oct 5, 2009, 6:02pm EDT
are... so I can hide. It's always better to know where they are, you see." Doug nodded in agreement, and the two of them, in unspoken accord, grabbed Peter and flung him up into the top of the tree where
ann c. Oct 5, 2009, 6:10pm EDT
he landed on the possible flying carpet. Peter wondered how to make the carpet fly so he yelled down to Lance, "How do you make this thing fly?" Doug told him to say the magic word but Peter didn't know which magic word to use so he just sat there admiring the view while on the ground
Lance put on his tap shoes and Doug grabbed the mic. Once he broke into the chorus from
Tracy Fabre Oct 5, 2009, 6:28pm EDT
The Telephone Man, which was partICularly disturbing coming from those two, Peter decided the view wasn't all that, simply grabbed the carpet, and dropped out of the tree like so much
ann c. Oct 5, 2009, 6:47pm EDT
bird poop. Lance grabbed the carpet and ran down the beach with it. Doug ran after him but Peter remained under the tree for he had see something while sitting in the tree that he could not believe. Out in the ocean
Tracy Fabre Oct 5, 2009, 6:50pm EDT
he swore he'd seen the Minnow approaching! The Skipper in dark blue! Gilligan in red! Lovey in her jewels! Then a coconut fell on his head and knocked him out cold. Doug chased after Lance, yelling,
ann c. Oct 5, 2009, 6:56pm EDT
"Come back here only I know the magic word!" Lance looked back at Doug and laughed but tripped over a strange blue object sticking out of the sand. "What the heck," Lance said as he
Lance L. Oct 5, 2009, 11:16pm EDT
righted himself where he had fallen. He stared in amazement at what he had found. "You! I thought we got rid of you back in island tale # 7. " Doug, who now had the carpet, look at what or who Lance was talking at or too. "Oh no. Not you. I'm out of here." Doug flung the carpet into the air and . . .
Tracy Fabre Oct 6, 2009, 12:49am EDT
then jumped on it, and amazingly it hovered. "Come on up!" he called to Lance. "You know that jar of Whoop-Ass is trouble!" Lance debated with himself -- he still really wanted to let the angry little man in the jar out just to see what would happen -- and finally chose
Door #2, so now he was the owner of his very own giraffe! This was fortuitous, since he tumbled off of the carpet, right on to the giraffe's back. Smacking it on its hindquarters, he urged it to gallop off to
Tracy Fabre Oct 6, 2009, 9:19am EDT
Randomville, where he'd be happy to see those nice young men in their clean white coats, until he realized his cabana was too short to house a giraffe, so he galloped back and told Doug
ann c. Oct 6, 2009, 10:24am EDT
"Let's start this carpet up and get outta here. Come on say the magic word." Doug and Lance hopped onto the carpet and Doug pulled a slip of paper from his pocket on which was written the magic word. However since Peter, Lance and Doug had gotten wet a few comments up, the paper had
Tracy Fabre Oct 6, 2009, 2:51pm EDT
too, and thus the ink was smudged. "Um, I think it says ahrocalobiakelanokoeo? No, wait, that's not it..." While he was dithering, the carpet was getting closer to the ground, and this meant
they'd better skip lunch, or it would never be able to take off with the added weight. It was at this point that Doug wished he'd saved the giraffe, because he was really hungry and didn't think he could wait until they got to
Tracy Fabre Oct 6, 2009, 3:53pm EDT
Taco Bueno. He eyed the giraffe, which had wandered over to sniff at the loitering Tiara Tree. "A little sauce, and--" But Lance shouted, "That's MY giraffe, rice-boy! You just
ann c. Oct 6, 2009, 4:03pm EDT
back off boogaloo." Apparently boogaloo was the magic word. The carpet began to rise up in the air. Soon Doug and Lance were floating over Gather Island and headed out to sea with no way to
Doug H. Oct 6, 2009, 4:18pm EDT
change directions. "I wonder if there are word commands to steer this thing?" Doug said.

"Aardvark," said Lance. "Able. Abode." But nothing happened.
Tracy Fabre Oct 6, 2009, 4:21pm EDT
"Giraffe?" Doug said hopefully. "Gorgonzola?" With that last one, the carpet took a sharp left turn back toward shore, and when Doug futher uttered, "Ithinkwegonnadie" they rose higher ... high enough to see
Doug H. Oct 6, 2009, 4:30pm EDT
an ominous, green glow at the far side of the island. "Steer us toward that glow!" Lance said.

"Gorgonzola," said Doug, but they overshot. Knowing only the one command, Doug said, "Gorgonzola, Gorgonzola, Gorgonzola," until they were
ann c. Oct 6, 2009, 4:34pm EDT
going in circles. "Try something else," Lance shouted as he rolled from side to side on the carpet. "Limburger!" Doug yelled. The carpet came to a complete stop and hung there in the
Doug H. Oct 6, 2009, 4:43pm EDT
air. "It likes cheese!" Doug said.

Lance snapped his fingers. "Doug, don't you have the Monty Python Cheese Shop Sketch on your cell phone?"

"Yes, I do!" said Doug. He punched a few buttons on his phone. The sound of...
Tracy Fabre Oct 6, 2009, 4:50pm EDT
bouzouki music filled the air, and a British voice said, "And I thought to myself, a little fermented curd will do the trick!" Lance urged him to fast forward, and
Mustafa Demiri Oct 6, 2009, 8:18pm EDT
... started playing the sketch at the point where John Cleese hsd begun naming all the various French cheeses... needless to say the carpet went mad! Brie sent them rocketing vertically, while Roquefort sent them plummeting toward the Earth... when Pont l'Evêque was mentioned....
Doug H. Oct 6, 2009, 10:00pm EDT
...a sort of choir could be heard and the carpet glowed mildly.

"Are you getting all this?" asked Lance.

Doug scribbled furiously, noting all the carpet commands and creating a cheesy lexicon of sorts.
Tracy Fabre Oct 7, 2009, 12:11am EDT
Finally he had it pieced together, and he shouted out:
"Gorgonzola, Chura Kampo, Camembert, Brie!
Limberger, Passendale, a little Gouda cheese!
Munster, Selles-sur-Cher, Neufchâtel, you see--
Will take us where the women are: that is what we please!"
Mustafa Demiri Oct 7, 2009, 12:53am EDT
"I gotta hand it to ya, Doug!" Lance shouted with new admiration for his friend, "the way you figured out all those cheese commands... You the Man!"

Doug smiled and winked a steely confidence that comes with mastery over flying carpets and said, "Jarlsberg!" with a manly flair... This command caused...
Tracy Fabre Oct 7, 2009, 9:43am EDT
Atlantis to rise, the Bermuda Triangle to become, briefly, a trapezoid, and the late Jimmy Hoffa to shout "Hey batta batta" but more importantly, it caused the carpet to proceed in an unerring
ann c. Oct 7, 2009, 10:13am EDT
direction toward Ocean City, where maybe, just maybe the women would be. The carpet hovered over the Westin Hotel. Lance asked Doug, "So how do we get this thing to land?" Doug replied,
Doug H. Oct 7, 2009, 11:54am EDT
"I don't have a command for 'land'. We'll need to use 'gentle descent', 'level off', and 'slow down'." Holding the lexicon in his left hand and gripping the rim of the carpet in his right, he said, "Double Gloucester!"
Tracy Fabre Oct 7, 2009, 12:01pm EDT
It worked! Never mind that they'd left the rice cooker (dark) in the carwash, a giraffe about to nibble on the Tiara Tree, and Peter slumped under a palm recovering from a coconut blow to the head. The point was, once they were on the ground, they could hear WOMEN. And dysfunctional as these men were, they liked it. Lance said,
Doug H. Oct 7, 2009, 3:12pm EDT
"What a ride, eh? Let's go find out what the women have been up to." Both men started walking toward the sound of the voices.

"It'll be good to see the girls," Doug said. "But it certainly is ironic that...
ann c. Oct 7, 2009, 4:15pm EDT