by Tracy Fabre
Member since:
July 13, 2008

The Scott Satterfield Dating Criteria Questionnaire

September 28, 2009 09:34 AM EDT
views: 97 | comments: 53

 

Long ago and far away, in the land of mIRC (Internet Relay Chat), I knew a funny funny fellow named Scott Satterfield, aka “Zed2XS.” We lost touch about a decade ago and I have no idea where he is or how he is or if he is, but tucked away on my hard drive is this faux questionnaire he devised at least that long ago. I offer it to you now, and if you happen to know anything about Zed2XS, speak right up.

=================

 

THE SCOTT SATTERFIELD DATING CRITERIA QUESTIONNAIRE™

#1 -- Are you a man? (Y) (N)


#2 -- Have you formerly been a man? (Y) (N)


#3 -- Do you have plans to become a man? (Y) (N)


#4 -- Do you want kids right away? (Y) (N)


#5 -- If the answer to four was yes, how many?

(a) 1-2
(b) 3-4
(c) 5-8
(d) I figure with fertility drugs I can have 30 or more before I die


#6 -- Do you find me attractive? (Y) (N)

#7 -- Do you also find Ernest Borgnine attractive? (Y) (N)

#8 -- If you could change one of my features what would it be?

(a) Those big red lips.
(b) That goofy Fonzie hair.
(c) Your incredible paranoia.
(d) All of the above.


#9 -- Do you honestly think you can change me? (Y) (N)


#10-- If you answered #9 yes, are you delusional? (Y)


#11-- You agreed to go out with me because...

(a) I have the body of Winnie the Pooh (oh, bother!)
(b) You like a man with a big cerebral cortex.
(c) You needed a sucker to do your homework for you.
(d) The guy you really wanted is gay.


#12-- Can you imagine us married?

(a) Not without a couple shots and a tranquilizer.
(b) Only if you're going to be raking in the dough, 'cause I'm in it to win it girlfriend! 
*snap snap snap*
(c) I've already picked out a china pattern.
(d) I'm going to try and convert the gay guy first.


#13-- Are you just dating me because it's better than being alone?

(a) HELL YEAH!
(b) I'm alone anyway...*sigh*
(c) Did you say something?
(d) It's either you or be known as "the weird cat lady".


#14-- You were attracted to me because

(a) of my devilish good looks.
(b) of my witty repartee.
(c) of my stylish taste in clothing.
(d) I don't fart and think it's funny.


LOL. Enough of that. ;-) The weird cat lady one even made me crack up. I kill me.

©1998 Scott Satterfield

=================


 

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Comments: 53

JOHN BECK Sep 28, 2009, 9:41am EDT
#5. I said 2. Barbara said 4. So we compromised and had 4. (By that time I had learned how to compromise with a redhead!)
Bunny B. Sep 28, 2009, 9:51am EDT
That's cute.
Peter Joseph Swanson Sep 28, 2009, 9:55am EDT
ha ha ha ha
Robert - just a simple man - B. Sep 28, 2009, 9:59am EDT
Little Scott Satterfield where are you now
We're reading your questionaire, please tell us how
You got acquainted with our Tracy she's quite the girl
And why'd you leave her alone in this great big world
Was it because of the answers chose
That's probably still between you and her I suppose
But this is GATHER and juicy gossip we need
It's the only reason most of us read
We need the secrets, yep, we need to know
Who is for real and who's just for show
I got a theory, I think it will stand
You changed your name to Antonio
And ran with Ann

----------------------------------------
btw: if the answer to #1 is "No" but the answers to #2 OR #3 are "Yes" - keep moving along.

(words are jumping around today)
ann c. Sep 28, 2009, 10:46am EDT
I do not know nor have I ever known Scott Satterfield! Just saying.
Robert - just a simple man - B. Sep 28, 2009, 11:09am EDT
Nor did I expressly identify which "Ann" I may have been alluding to! Just saying.
ann c. Sep 28, 2009, 11:11am EDT
Yeah sure. What other Ann would be running off with what other Antonio?

How's Streaker?
Robert - just a simple man - B. Sep 28, 2009, 11:21am EDT
Streaker's okay; I don't let her read Tracy's articles. LOL


(seriously, her plumbing's working properly, pain pills are down to one a day, she's probably moving around more than the vet would like and her apetite seems to be returning but it's not quite there. thanks for asking)
ann c. Sep 28, 2009, 11:25am EDT
Glad she's better. You probably shouldn't let her read Tracy's articles. She'll laugh too much!!!
Tracy Fabre Sep 28, 2009, 3:55pm EDT
Woof.
Elizabeth O. Sep 28, 2009, 10:05am EDT
*snicker* cute.
Don S. Sep 28, 2009, 10:27am EDT
Great stuff.
ann c. Sep 28, 2009, 10:46am EDT
Ha!!! You certainly meet some interesting people!!!
Tracy Fabre Sep 28, 2009, 3:56pm EDT
Yeah, just look around THIS place....
ann c. Sep 28, 2009, 5:39pm EDT
;-)
Robert - just a simple man - B. Sep 28, 2009, 6:54pm EDT
and I'm the patron saint, aren't I Tracy; around this place.....
Tracy Fabre Sep 29, 2009, 12:54pm EDT
Uh.... sure. Let's go with that.
Barb (Gather Site Ferret) Carlson Sep 28, 2009, 10:54am EDT
That was pretty darned funny. What amazes me is that it's 10 years old and still relevant. #2 and #3 cracked me up.

Conversation overheard in an elevator:

A: "So John is taking Sue out on a date tonight?"
B: "Yes he is."
A: "Do you think we should tell him she used to be a man?"
Robert - just a simple man - B. Sep 28, 2009, 11:11am EDT
B: "Why does Sue know HE used to be a girl?"
Barb (Gather Site Ferret) Carlson Sep 28, 2009, 11:26am EDT
Sue used to be a man. The him refers to John. Do you think we should tell John that Sue used to be a man.
Robert - just a simple man - B. Sep 28, 2009, 6:56pm EDT
actually, I wasn't correcting I was trying to make a pun, since Sue used to be a man I thought it would be funny if John used to be a girl.

This is why I'd never make a comedian.
Barb (Gather Site Ferret) Carlson Sep 28, 2009, 7:10pm EDT
Oooooooh. Heh.
Sarah A. Hopes for More TOS Enforcement Sep 29, 2009, 9:57pm EDT
This is priceless..
Barb (Gather Site Ferret) Carlson Sep 30, 2009, 10:44am EDT
:)
Doug H. Sep 28, 2009, 11:36am EDT
What a coincidence. I just watched an Ernest Borgnine movie.
Tracy Fabre Sep 28, 2009, 3:57pm EDT
That IS a coincidence. (Mr. Satterfield did not look like EB.)
Doug H. Sep 28, 2009, 4:19pm EDT
But did he look like Quinton McHale?
Tracy Fabre Sep 28, 2009, 5:02pm EDT
Nobody looks like Quinton McHale. Not even Quinton McHale.
Robert - just a simple man - B. Sep 28, 2009, 6:57pm EDT
Y'all remember when George Carlin said somebody stole his nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine; now that was a funneee routine?
Kris M. Sep 28, 2009, 12:39pm EDT
Is it possible to be the crazy cat lady if you only have one cat (so far)?

Just askin'.

This guy sounds like someone I would have happily dated in college.
Tracy Fabre Sep 28, 2009, 3:58pm EDT
Yes. I think you can even be a weird cat lady without cats. (Suddenly I am thinking of Twin Peaks' Log Lady.)
Susan G. Sep 28, 2009, 5:50pm EDT
I am a proud crazy cat lady! I "rescued" my three.

There was a Satterfield guy in my class in high school, but I don't think that his first name was Scott. I'm thinking it was Mark, maybe. L-o-n-g time ago.
Susan G. Sep 28, 2009, 5:53pm EDT
(The next-door neighbors have approximately twice as many, but they don't qualify since they are a couple. Makes me look less crazy, though.)
Tracy Fabre Sep 28, 2009, 6:11pm EDT
Excellent strategy -- when your sanity is in question, ALWAYS place yourself close to people who are crazier than you.
ann c. Sep 28, 2009, 6:20pm EDT
Notice how close are comments are to each other!!!
Robert - just a simple man - B. Sep 28, 2009, 6:58pm EDT
All I know is cats love people who obey.
Robert - just a simple man - B. Sep 28, 2009, 6:59pm EDT
On Gather; they're all crazier than me...................... Must be why I hang out here.

-----------------
Hey, can I get a kiss? I'm making your points meter go ka-ching.
Jan C. Sep 28, 2009, 7:46pm EDT
Is that why my Cat didn't respect me any more? I don't OBEY???
Jan C. Sep 28, 2009, 7:47pm EDT
Mr. Kitty picked a new mom when I got Princess - he sleeps with my daughter now. I must have disobeyed him when I brought a doggy home :)
Tracy Fabre Sep 29, 2009, 12:54pm EDT
Jan -- cats respect NO MAN (or woman).

Robert -- I think Ed Williams is still the only person around here who gives out smoochies. Check with him.
Kris M. Sep 29, 2009, 1:14pm EDT
My cat isn't so much a pet as he's a roommate with a disability. I don't mean his missing leg -- I mean his lack of height and opposable thumbs, which means I have to feed him in order to make our house ADA-compliant.

He will give out kisses, although I should warn you all he's freer with bites.
Spike the Three-Legged Cat Sep 29, 2009, 1:17pm EDT
Maybe I'd kiss more and bite less if she was a little freer with the food.
Tracy Fabre Sep 29, 2009, 3:52pm EDT
Did this just turn into kitty porn?
Mugg Muggles, "The Man With the Jive" Sep 28, 2009, 3:56pm EDT
Funny stuff.
Jan C. Sep 28, 2009, 7:46pm EDT
Very silly ... I think I dated his brother!

I just flipped through channels and Oprah has a beautiful Polo player from Argentina - Ann, he gives Antonio a run for his money! His name is Nacho???
ann c. Sep 29, 2009, 9:48am EDT
Nacho? I'll have to "Google" him. He'd have to change his name though, sounds too much like a chip!!
Jan C. Sep 29, 2009, 1:19pm EDT
Yah, that name is almost enough to ruin his good looks...
ann c. Sep 29, 2009, 3:37pm EDT
Ok, I checked him out and his name is Ignacio so "Nacho" is his nickname. He has modeled for Ralph Lauren. He's cute but I like Banderas better.
Kay M. Sep 29, 2009, 11:09am EDT
I know a Scott Satterfield but he doesn't have big red lips or Fonzie hair. I don't think he's your guy though. He's still in elementary school.
Tracy Fabre Sep 29, 2009, 12:55pm EDT
I am still so pleased you're alive. And yeah... probably not the same guy.
Lance L. Oct 1, 2009, 11:43am EDT
You know there is a lot of sub text about gender change in this. Everything from his inquiries about the stability of your gender over the years and then the challenge in 9,10 about changing him (something a gender reassignment surgeon, might be able to say yes to.) There are more subtle allusions to this in the latter questions, including him referring to himself via you as "girlfriend." [sidebar] I've never like the whole "girlfriend" interjection and believe that is should have died a fitting and fitful death back in the 90's instead of breaching into portions of society where it sounds even worse.
Tracy Fabre Oct 1, 2009, 9:28pm EDT
I would point out that of course he didn't write this just for me, but rather as a group message thingy, but I'd hate to take the edge off your otherwise keen & amusing insights. And you know, it has been ten years ... a gender change could explain his dropping off the map. I just heard from a friend yesterday about some sorta-friends of hers she'd just learned were no longer a married man-n-woman couple but rather a married woman-n-woman couple, so HEY.

As to "girlfriend" -- damn straight (no pun intended) it should have died. Right along with "my bad" ... *gak*
Con Chapman Oct 15, 2009, 8:52am EDT
I think Scott and my sister in KC would hit it off.

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