Star-Struck Vatican Observors Call Pope's Wardrobe "Smashing"

Pope Benedict XVI's taste in clothing has been more varied and colorful than his predecessor's, and observers have eagerly commented on his fashion sense.  The New York Times

"You're right--I shouldn't wear white after Labor Day."

"This is Joan Rivers for R! The Religion Channel at the beatification ceremony for--what's her name again?  She worked with the poor in the slums of Calcutta.  Sister, Mother, Aunt--something like that.  All I know is I can't remember a thing she ever wore.  Oh--look!  It's Cardinal Francis Arinze of Nigeria in a stunning lamb's wool stole.  Cardinal-Cardinal--who are you wearing tonight?"

"This old thing--Joan, please!  It's known as a pallium, and it's very traditional.  Eighteenth century popes used to wear them, and Benedict--I call him Benny--has single-handedly brought them back into style!"

"How exciting it must be for all of you in the College of Cardinals to serve a man with such a striking sense of fashion!"

"You can say that again, Joan.  It's like being in the Kennedy cabinet during the Camelot years, when Jackie made hot pink really, really hot!"

"Nice to see you Frank--we'll catch up at the after party!  Now who's this getting out of the limo?  I can't believe it!  It's Angelo Sodano, Secretary of State of Vatican City!  What's that thing on his head?  Angelo--what's with the Santa hat?"

"Joan, darling!  I'm so glad you like it!  This is a camauro, and yes it makes me look like St. Nick--but I'm not!  You need three miracles to be canonized!"

"I know that, you silly man!  But enough about religion--where did you get that chapeau?"

"I simply love it!"

"From the Pope!  I found it in my stocking!  He wore one five days before Christmas in St. Peter's Square and now they're all the rage!"

"I can understand why!"

"It's a more casual look for me."

"And that's good.  Frankly, that big bishop's mitre made you look . . ."

"Don't even go there, girlfriend--I know just what you mean!  It put ten pounds on my hips without the pleasure of a single calorie--what's the point of that?" 

"Angie, darling, I'll let you run--I know you've got to show your face to the paparazzi!"

"Ciao, Joan!"

"What do you mean the lavendar cuffs are gay?"

"Ciao to you too!  Oh my--look who's just arrived!  It's the capo di tutti capi, the Big Guy himself, the Fashion Conscience of the Holy Roman Empire--Benedict X-V-I!  Pontiff--Pontiff--over here.  It's Joan Rivers for R!"

"Hello, Joan--nice to see you!"

"What a night, huh?  There's got to be five or six future saints in the audience, and now you!  Oh-my-God--excuse my Latin!  That is the most stunning cross you're wearing!"

"Thank you, Joan.  When I took over from what's his name--John Paul, Sean John, whatever--I decided the papacy needed to be glammed up a bit."

"You are so right!  Is that an emerald?"

"Hit me--I'm open!"

"You know your jewels, Joanie!"

"Diamonds may be a girl's best friend, but you can never have too many friends!"

"Joan, darling, I really must run.  I'm supposed to say a prayer or something to warm up the audience for Billy Crystal."

"What am I doing in this post--I'm Jewish!"

"Well, break a leg, Pope.  I know you can probably fix it yourself with one of your miracles!"

"You are such a stitch!  You'll burn in hell for that one!"

This piece appeared originally on Amazon Shorts as part of "Here's to His Holiness: Fake Stories About Real Popes".