No need to read this or comment, I only post here for the links now... This is another skewed news story that was first posted on Boggart Blog my satirical blog on UK news.
It is the task of Jedi Knights, according to ancient legends (well ancientish, it's 25 years since the first film was released) to save the Universe from evil emperors, criminally insane slugs or toads, I never quite worked out what Jabba the Hutt in Return Of The Jedi was supposed to be, droids, clones, lizard men and blokes that have gone over to the dark side because they get to wear silly helmets, plsay with light sabres and talk in silly voices.
To enable them to combat the forces of the dark side effectively Jedi Knights must wear Tommy Hilfiger cloaks with big hoods similar to those worn by teenage dudes and people trying to smuggl e illicit beards into the country. A Jedi, according to the official Church of Jedism (I would have thought it should be Jediism but there we go) a Jedi may not be seen in public without his hood up. Those of us who remember the early films know this would have brought about the exjedification of Obi Wan Kenobi, Yoda and Luke Skywalker as they only put up their hood when it was raining because their Dear Old Mums would go ballistic if they went home with wet hair.
Even Jedi Knights who are attuned to The Force cannot fight the dark side 24/7 of course. They have to sleep, eat, have a wash, go for a dump, hang with their mates and get their shopping in.
Shopping and eating can pose particular problems for Jedi as the founder of the official church has found. The local Tesco store where he lives in North Wales have banned him for refusing to lower his hood while standing in the queue for the checkout.
The Jedi, who asked not to be named as he has a day job and his boss does not know he’s a professional dick in his spare time, spoke to our reporter:
“Iy aff to keep my ’ood up when I am out and about see to stop the force leaking out of my lug’oles look you.” said the Jedi leaders when asked him to comment.
When pressed he said “I’d only gone in for a loaf, a bottle of milk and some Cornflakes isn’it but I ended up ’aving my ’ooman rights violated. It’s is a clear cut case of discrimination cause of my religion bach. Ach - i - fey, they wouldn’t dare treat someone like that ’oo was wearning a Niquab see boyo.
OK, I hear what you’re saying, how can we take seriously a Jedi with a Welsh accent? Well the Torchwood guys had Welsh accents and you didn’t laugh at them.
In the interests of balanced reporting Tesco were asked to explain why they had taken this action. A spokesman for the retail giant told our reporter, “ Jedi Knights are welcome in all our stores but the hoods are a problem because people think they are standing next to a terrorist or mugger. We have to consider the feelings of all our customers.
Both sides have a point we felt put on the whole Tesco should perhaps be more wary of people with raised hoods lurking in the cosmetics aisle where they can pick up peroxide from the hair dyes shelf and acetone nail polish remover.
Read the proper story of the Jedi Knight here if you like Obviously it is not as funny as our version
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Comments: 7
I don't know any man who wouldn't cut off his right hand for a light sabre - provided he could get a robot hand like Luke did :-)
I made my own once but I used a UV tube because I thought it would be great fun for killing flies. It was, but unfortunately it being the wrong shape made them difficult to hit. Or perrhaps I had trouble because I was not wearing a hood.
Maybe its being predisposed to reading this as a Welsh voice but I'd say that's a very good Welsh accent you're writing in for an American. I'll ask my friend Ty Penry, she's a proper Welsh witch what does professional witching look you.