She fought the good fight. The cancer had come on quick and fierce and she never knew it was inhabiting her body like an insidious parasite waiting to snatch away her hopes and dreams of a good life. She was 31 years old, the very age I am today, and I have often looked back at my last 31 years and wondered could I have been as brave as she was?
For a lot of these 16 years I have often dwelled on the failings of her job as a mother. Wondered at her cruelty and her motivations for dragging us along for the roller coaster ride that was her life. The funny thing that happens to you though as you get older, get married, and have children you no longer think of your parents just as your parents. You actually start to think of them as people. People with the same thoughts and consquences you now have. You wonder often, would I have done the same thing in the same situation? Sometimes the answer is no and sometimes yes. In my case there are a lot of no's. My mother suffered from Bi-polar disorder while alive. I don't. She wasn't in control of her life even after she became an adult. The evil monkey at the helm directed her more than she herself was allowed to choose the paths of her life.
Then as I sit here this morning reflecting on the fateful day that took her life. The agony she suffered through. We couldn't even walk by her bed without her screaming in pain. The last night her carotid artery had blocked causing her arm to swell three times its size. She couldn't even get back into bed by herself. Then when it actually happened - I had never been so scared in my whole life - and her life ended in a rush of blood much like her life had begun.
I miss my mom every single day. I think about her every single day. Used to be almost every moment she was there in the back of mind niggling at my thoughts. Sometimes she still is, but more it is just well that would have been different if mom had been here. So as I go on about my day I hope that you too will stop and read this post and know that today someone out there is missing her Mom.
I love you Mom please don't ever think different!