I Wanna Kidnap My Neighbor's Cat!

I know it’s not the right thing to do, but you ever had something you just had to do, come hell or high water? This is one of those times for me, fellow Gatherites. And here’s why…..

I’ve never been a big cat fan, but years ago we did acquire ownership of a cat named Fuzzy. Fuzzy wasn’t a bad cat per se, his only issue was that he was just dumber than a post. If his food dish was one inch to the left of him and he was looking straight ahead, he’d never locate it, you’d literally have to hold the dish up under his nose in order for him to take the hint. But, even with a kinda low IQ, Fuzzy had his bright moments, his times in the sun. And one of them was that he was a champ to play with, I’d put on a glove sometimes and wrestle with him. He loved attacking the glove, and I’d roll him over on his back and wiggle him back and forth until he was in a playful frenzy. We both did that for years, and when he passed away I’ll admit that I was a bit sad about it. Sad enough that I figured I’d never have another cat unless I found one that had that certain “oomph” about him, that special dash of character or personality that would make him stand out amongst all other cats.

The good news, folks? I’ve found him! The bad news? He belongs to my neighbor, dammit! And what am I going to do about it? Why, entice him over and ultimately make him a Williams, of course!

I make no apologies for my plan, either, and here’s why. Just a few weeks ago I was wandering around outside after just having cut my grass. I have some large azaleas that run across the entire front of my house, and I was out amongst them when this very black cat suddenly wandered out. He didn’t seem to be afraid of me at all, in fact, he walked up to me and looked. I looked right back at him. Then, I leaned down and petted him, in response he started winding his way through my legs, back and forth and over and over. After that, I started walking towards the house and he followed me every step of the way. I figured he just needed some more attention, so I sat down and rubbed on him some. To that, he winded all around me again, and then he did the damndest thing – he jumped up in my lap and kinda pawed towards my face, like he wanted to start up a little scrap. And that’s when I knew this cat was destined to be mine, and even more destined to be when I found out from his owner, my neighbor, that his name is “Buzz.”

Y’all wanna know where he got that name? Well, “Buzz” is the name of the immortal mascot of my Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets. The most beloved mascot in all of college sports. And this cat, this black cat, is named after him. And he likes me. Add that all up, and know what that tells me?

I’ll tell y’all the answer to that – it tells me that this cat is supposed to be mine, he’s obviously a true Williams through and through, and therefore I’ve gotta have him. And the only way I can achieve that is to discreetly kidnap him, to bring him over to my house and treat him so good that he stays there. And that’s exactly what I’m gonna do!

Now, at this point in the article, I’m gonna offer those of you who think I’m terrible or awful for harboring such thoughts the chance to opt out. I don’t need any lectures about stealing or doing the right thing, I’m gonna have this damn cat in the name and spirit of Ric Flair and J. R. Ewing. He’s obviously destined to be mine, I think he wants to be mine, and I’ve never gotten anything I wanted by playing by the rules, so I’m going to have him. And those of you out there who want to help me have him need to read onwards because I need y’alls help.

Here’s why - I’ve never kidnapped a cat before, so I need some guidance on how to go about it. Would just feeding him be enough? If I throw on a good feedbag for him over at my house, will he eat on it awhile and then decide he likes it better there and stay for good? Or do I need to do more? Do I need to get a female cat over and get him laid, would that score points with Buzz (it would with me, I just thought I’d ask)? Maybe toys would work, catnip perhaps, hell I don’t know. All I know is that I want this damn cat, and I’m willing to pull out all the stops in order to get him. I figure if he likes it enough at my house my neighbor will say, “Gosh golly gee whiz, Ed, he stays over there all the time anyway, if you want him you can have him.” And then Buzz will be mine for good. And we’ll both be happy, I think.

So, to all y’all knowledgeable and less than savory cat lovers out there, please help me out. Is there more I can do in order to win Buzz’s affections? Is there stuff cats really like to eat that I should be aware of? Does having a lot of squirrels running around in my yard help the cause? Should I put out a bunch of catnip somewhere?

Fellow feline filchers, please help show me the way. In the end, when Buzz is chasing me around the backyard every afternoon in a playful stalk, it’ll all have been worth it. I told y’all all on the front end that I was a bad boy, now help me become a potential cat-napper and prove it! Please gimme some good cat-nap advice below…..