by d d.

Member since:
July 26, 2006

Daily Freewrite: 9/3/09 : An Empty Nester's epiphany, Is that all there is?

September 03, 2009 10:19 PM UTC

views: 0 | comments: 31

freewrite 9/3/09 disclaimer: spelling and grammatical errors have not been corrected.

5 minute: 10:00 An Empty Nester's epiphany, Is that all there is?

I have been asked to give one of my friends advice on her, as she puts it, "miserable life". She was wondering why after all these years of marriage, how she could have lost touch with her husband. Her last child just went to college. she served her husband dinner for the first time with just the two of them. the conversation was minimal. She said it was an awkward dinner and could not see doing a years worth of them. Oh, don't get me wrong, they do get a long; They have a comfortable caring relationship. I wondered if she was having a life crisis.

She wondered if he was someone that she wanted to share the rest of her life with. She said that it would be very painful with a laugh. She told me that he asked her to have coffee with him the next morning and she was happy to tell him that she was meeting us for coffee.

I can't tell you how sad I felt for her. I am looking forward to the day when my husband and I will retire. he can go play golf, I can paint and then we can meet for lunch or the movies.

This is what i think. This is your life, You are the main role in the play or movie. But in this case, there is no touch up or re-takes. Each day, as you wake up, you are fully in your role. Each action is the final cut. So, really look at how you want this movie to play out and make the best decision that you can. Though mistakes in life will happen, be smart in your choices and live the part that you want to star in.

10:05 ©DYen 9/3/09

Find more about: daily freewrite, empty nester, epiphany, whats next, lifes lesson, awkward, sad, relationship

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Comments: 31

Christine S. Sep 3, 2009, 10:24pm UTC

I'm terrified of the empty-nest syndrome. My oldest is about to leave for the military, and the other one will be gone in about 3 years. I don't know how we're going to deal with it, but I hope I have the ability to look at life the way you do.

Insightful piece, thanks. :)

d d. Sep 3, 2009, 10:39pm UTC

thanks Christine. 5 years ago, my husband took a new job and told the president that he wanted to take 6 months off... and they said OK, you have the job. Then a few weeks later, they said and we need you to start in a month. so he had the month off and we saw what life would be like with him at home. Fun! he would wake up and say, let's go the Martha's vineyard for the day and be back by dinner. I'll meet you at noon at the movies. It was fun to be able to do my own thing and then meet him during the day.

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kimberly g. Sep 3, 2009, 10:28pm UTC

very good post d.d.
it is funny how things change over the years.
your right about life being like a movie, your role that you follow is the role you will have to play for the rest of your life, but you can always make a sequel and make the movie even better.

d d. Sep 3, 2009, 10:40pm UTC

yes, but by the time the sequel is done, you will need more time in the makeup room. and maybe not be able to do your own stunts. :)

kimberly g. Sep 3, 2009, 10:41pm UTC

weel, as soon as I can't wipe my own butt then I will retire! Lol!

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Marianne M. Sep 3, 2009, 10:32pm UTC

Thoughtful and sensitive piece ... and what wise words, dd! Sounds like your friend lost touch with her husband long ago and used her children to fill the emptiness in her life.

We've been empty-nesters for some time now. Our youngest is 25 and moved to NY for a job last summer. My husband is my best friend and I cherish the time we can spend together. But he hasn't retired yet. Maybe that makes a difference?

d d. Sep 3, 2009, 10:41pm UTC

yes, her husband is still working too. I think she just has to find her groove. She did say that last year her son kept saying, stop picking on me, during dinner time... as he was the main focus of the conversation.

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Barbara H. Sep 3, 2009, 10:35pm UTC

It was a sad thing to hear she was happy to tell him she couldn't have coffee with him because she was having coffee with her lady friends.
He was asking for a date with her as man and woman. She is forgetting that he is a man.
She has evidently become comfortable and safe with the fact that he is always there and always has been. If she continues to reject him, his caring (you said they had a caring relationship) may cease to exist. If that happens, she will begin to see (and feel) the way he has been made to feel by her rejection.
The shoe will be on the other foot and it may be a real eye opener. Maybe he is feeling as though he may not want to live the rest of HIS life alone with her and is giving romance another try in his own way.
Sometimes after having been together so long we take things for granted. If there is a threat to that safety it may open ones eyes before the relationship is lost and provide the realization that what we could have lost was in fact what was most important.

d d. Sep 3, 2009, 10:44pm UTC

You said some key things, that I feel comfortable in mentioning to her. She needs to find the spark within herself and open her eyes to the man in front of her.

I ended up inviting them to maine this weekend, but he traveling and she thought he would be too exhausted to travel again.

Barbara H. Sep 3, 2009, 11:31pm UTC

Keep on being the friend you are being. There have been so many marriages I've seen ending and then the individuals in those marriages going on to start new ones. If they had expended the energy to save the treasure they already worked so many years to create, they never would have separated.
Separation and divorce hurts more than the couple, it hurts the kids (youth or adult the same) and causes dissention for an entire family. I'd do anything I could to help a couple see the worth of their relationship.
Just do as you are doing. There will be many chances to suggest ways they can rekindle what brought them together in the first place. In fact, even when her husband is not present you as her friend can bring the conversation to the many positives in their lives,
"The Grass Is Greener On The Other Side Of The Fence" has become a very sad reality in the way people come to think. They look back over their lives and decide it wasn't as satisfactory as they think it should be and begin thinking about BIG changes when a few subtle changes to their present situation could suffice.

d d. Sep 4, 2009, 6:24am UTC

so true Barbara, I use to laugh because we ate out every friday and sunday (my husbands' night to cook) But as the kids started having their own lives, we started calling friday night our date night. I get excited on friday night to see where we are going.. all my friends know this about us (date night) and love to hear our stories, where we went, what we ate.. Sometimes, we just go to the bar and have appetizers. It's just a way that we have found that we reconnect and talk. Though, it is an extra expense, the rewards are endless. ps. he does cook once in a while. I will have to post on that topic. :)

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Heather E. Sep 3, 2009, 11:08pm UTC

I like the writing style, and I would give anything to be able to sit down to a table alone with my husband. I have a boomerang child, plus we work different days, different shifts.

d d. Sep 4, 2009, 6:26am UTC

thank you about the writing style, do you freewrite? you should if you don't.

Life is constantly changing..one day, maybe you will be on the same schedule.

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Alison H. Sep 3, 2009, 11:15pm UTC

It's never too late to reconnect. Each must give the other space (of course) but this is a time when this couple can experience the richness of each other's company once again. Just taking a walk together or having coffee. My husband and I take turns bringing each other coffee in bed in the morning and it means a lot as we talk during this time, when we may not have time to at other times of the day.

d d. Sep 4, 2009, 6:27am UTC

That is sweet about the coffee..It is the little things and small stepping stones that you do to keep the marriage alive.

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Marilyn is looking for whatever there is. N. Sep 3, 2009, 11:25pm UTC

d d.,
It's hard if one loses touch when the children are young, but not impossible. Trying and keeping at a relationship, no matter what is the key. Good write, from one who is just realizing how much she depends on the backspace key (to correct the typos!).

Marilyn

d d. Sep 4, 2009, 6:28am UTC

my problem is not capitalizing... see, i even did it here. my pinky is awfully lazy, even when i'm not on a time crunch.

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Barbara M. Sep 3, 2009, 11:26pm UTC

Years ago, when I married for the first time at the age of 18, my dear departed mother told me that marriage is hills and valleys. She said when you're at the top of the hill and think nothing can go wrong it can, and when you're in the depths of the valley and think nothing will ever be right again, it will. I've lived my life (I'm now 62) with that thought in my mind. My current husband, to whom I've been married 29 years, and I have had many hills and valleys and somehow we always find our way. My daughter, from my first marriage, and our only child (he thinks of her as his) has been gone from the nest for 22 years. When she went away to college, we missed her but we had a ball. We had a cruising boat back then that we kept in a marina. Three or four nights a week, we would spend the night on the boat, cook dinner on the boat or go out to eat, have friends drop by and, in general, have a great time. Our entire marriage has been ups and downs for various reasons. It happens when two different personalities live in the same space. We have learned over the years to be more tolerant of each other's idiosyncracies. You do have to pick your fights. Sometimes, it's just not worth fighting. Sounds like your friend's viewpoint of her marriage is that it has become stagnant. You're right, she does need to find that spark within herself to climb the hill again. And next time hubby asks her to meet him for coffee, maybe she should consider who's more important in her life?

d d. Sep 4, 2009, 6:33am UTC

My reaction to her was "oh, you should have gone, you could have called us to let us know." Her reaction, "No, this was more fun." That's the problem, the bond between girlfriends is so great that you do get a high after laughing all morning and feeling very connected. For that day, the girls that went (4 of us) share a birthday bond. No matter how busy we are, we always remember each to meet for each other's birthday (with just the four of us). There might be other birthday get together with other people, like for a 40th bday, but we also meet as a small group. So when one of us calls to ask to meet, we all run.

d d. Sep 4, 2009, 10:57am UTC

I laugh with my husband all the time.. He constantly plays around. Last night, I was watching greys anatomy.. did you catch it? everyone was in lust and jumping on each other. And he looked at me and said "No wonder doctors are always so happy." with a smirk on his face. and I said "it's not that bulging pocket, it's the other one with the big fat wallet."

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Alicia is probably posting about her kids! H. Sep 3, 2009, 11:38pm UTC

This is very well-written, d.d.! And I like your way of thinking. My mom and I actually had a conversation about this once. I was on the phone with her, complaining about something Thairyan did with the girls that I would have done differently, and she gently reminded me that eventually my girls were going to leave, and I would be left with Thairyan, so I had better make sure there was still something there between us.

d d. Sep 4, 2009, 6:34am UTC

good advice Alicia. You can't even imagine your children leaving when they are at your children's age, and then you turn around..poof... and they leave for college.

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Michelle C. Sep 4, 2009, 1:43pm UTC

the nest here is a fairly new one, although neither of us is new. our nest has been empty for a couple years now, but the grandkids fill it up from time to time.

you have to be friends before you can be anything else. your friend needs to find something in common with her husband that they can relate to....eating out, sports, gardening. then figure out what the differences are. different interests will build a conversation.....how does that work, how long does it take, where can you go to do that?

then; as an example, you're out gardening together & start a conversation about his love for remote control cars (that you know nothing about). you're both doing something you enjoy; gardening. the wife is showing interest in his hobby. hubby is happy that she's interested, he asks her about her needlepoint....they become friends again. if she doesn't want to be friends with her husband; she's going to have a miserable life & so will he.

don & i talk about lots of things; from kids to politics. there are also times we don't talk at all. we're enjoying the silence of the day with the person we are most comfortable with & want to be with. sometimes words aren't needed.

i'm rambling again....that's why i can't do free write like you d.d.!!!! thought provoking piece you wrote!! :)

d d. Sep 4, 2009, 2:34pm UTC

you did well.. this was your freewrite, copy and past it into another post.. :) rambling is all about freewrites... I don't get half of the stuff that I want to blurt out. :)