Dedicated to a certain young woman, in honor of our upcoming vacation.
I have trained my mouth,
beloved, on the cherry
and the Concord grape;
now to stain my tongue in you
and work loose the seed you hide.
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Comments: 38
The 'work loose' is a bit casual after a profound tone set up by the poem's reat of the lines but eloquent, of course
autumn’s soul
Good poem, none the less.
simple 'undo'? No it is not that poignant. Loosen it is.
Then 'undo' has the element of 'work' in it.
Form: You know how I shy away from form, so I had to go look up the form requirements, and then realized I was not pronouncing 'beloved' correctly, I was using 2 syllables, so after reading it properly, the lines did read smoother.
'Work loose' I think is just fine here, you could have said, 'dislodge', or something else, but anything else would only give the image of plucking out, or removing... work loose, I think was the best bet, imagery-wise.
This is really a wonderful Tanka James, I really like the tension and the sensuality of it.
What about unstick? Or release?
(...ornery)
Delightful J.J.
Thank you for stopping by, Adrian! I appreciate it.
Commitment of intention. Most lovely.
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