by Nippy Katz (Not his real name) Demigod about Town
Member since:
August 10, 2006

Aleatoric Party Releases Gus's Birth Certificate

August 24, 2009 12:56 PM UTC (Updated: August 24, 2009 03:35 PM UTC)
views: 0 | comments: 91

Huron, OH

8/24/09

by Digger Burrows, Live Birth and Provenance Correspondent

At a press conference in Huron, OH Aleatoric Party Spokescat the Original Morris unveiled a certified copy of Gus the cat's birth certificate.  The document was shown to the media sealed in an argon filled bell jar.

Morris said, "This should clear up any questions of Gus's birth.  He was definitely born."

When asked about Gus's eligibility for service as Gather Spokescat Morris said, "Gus is clearly the best qualified animal.  In a spirit of openness and trans-species cooperation we have placed his birth certificate on display.  We understand there have been rumors of his having been born in Kenya or perhaps created in a laboratory.  We hope this unimpeachable document can settle this controversy quickly."

http://media-files.gather.com/images/d738/d909/d745/d224/d96/f3/full.jpg

 

Morris responded to questions about Gus having clawed the cushions on lawn furniture and dug up newly planted annuals with "Gus is a normal cat.  He is in many ways an average cat.  He is superior to the average feline in his unique talents as a spokescat."

Quite a few audience members, estimated at 19.6 from analysis of satellite imagery, carried signs.  GNN analysts believe that the count was 17 in favor of Gus and 12 opposed.  Some audience members carried more than one sign.  At least two carried signs supporting and opposing Gus's candidacy.   Slogans included "Gus is great," "Gus is a fake," "No GusCare," and "Hes' a Mooslem."

In response to questions from the Gather community, here is a copy of Gus's birth certificate complete with raised seal.

http://media-files.gather.com/images/d989/d909/d745/d224/d96/f3/full.jpg

Comments: 91

Is he or is he not a Mooslem?
Grems 'gremlin' Aug 24, 2009, 1:10pm UTC
Is it Mooselem or Mooslem?
I don't care - as long as it isn't Moosegutter.
I hadn't realized there was a chance he was a Mooselem!
Kris M. Aug 24, 2009, 2:25pm UTC
Since he's endorsed by the Aleatoric Party, they could mean Mooseleum.
Ina ♥ ♥ Aug 24, 2009, 4:12pm UTC
Actually, I think he's a mouselem.
Dannielle S. Aug 25, 2009, 7:13am UTC
Have you noticed if Gus uses a mouse when he's on the computer?
Lori F. Aug 24, 2009, 1:03pm UTC
I dont know I have my doubts that he was born. I would need to see the long certificate not the certificate of live birth. To me a certificate of live birth doesnt show that he was really born.

Dont let the fact that I personally wouldnt know the long certificate from the certificate of live birth if it came up and bit me on the arse but nevertheless I demand to see it or I will not believe he was born...alive that is.

I have a headache.
Grems 'gremlin' Aug 24, 2009, 1:06pm UTC
Why do you want to complicate things. This is Gus we are talking about, not some random feline.
The claims by some that the Frank N. Steen Memorial Foundation financed Gus's creation in a laboratory is a fabrication. It turns out that the Frank N. Steen Memorial Foundation has endowed research projects in two areas only, horse race handicapping and clairvoyance. The original bequest limits research grants to these two topics.
Lori F. Aug 24, 2009, 1:24pm UTC
Why do you want to complicate things. This is Gus we are talking about, not some random feline.

Because it is my constitutional right to do so. And even if it isnt in the constitution it is still my constitutional right.
Grems 'gremlin' Aug 24, 2009, 1:26pm UTC
Perhaps you are a Mooselem? Is this why you want to cause trouble?
Lori F. Aug 24, 2009, 1:42pm UTC
What are the Mooselems offering?
Lori F. Aug 24, 2009, 1:55pm UTC
Stew. Hmmm. thats hard to pass up.
Lori F. Aug 24, 2009, 1:56pm UTC
Do I get a roll with it? And 2 things of butter?
Ina ♥ ♥ Aug 24, 2009, 4:13pm UTC
No. Just water with a slice of lemon.
Lori F. Aug 24, 2009, 7:08pm UTC
Well bread would have been nice but I think I will still take it. I like water with a slice of lemon and stew.

Now before I fully commit...do I get paid for being a Mooselem?
The document doesn't say anything about it being a live birth. Are we just expected to assume that?

Is there any truth to the rumors that Gus was once seen hitting the catnip and that he may have been a "niphead" in his younger days?
Lori F. Aug 24, 2009, 1:04pm UTC
EM is right. A birth certificate only shows that he was born but not alive.

I am suspicious.
Grems 'gremlin' Aug 24, 2009, 1:05pm UTC
Catnip is not illegal so what is the issue?
Hey! I need to know any candidate I support has been experienced. Have you ever been experienced? Well, I have.

Many people grow catnip in their back yards and homes for personal use. I think it's a right guaranteed by the second amendment.
Grems 'gremlin' Aug 24, 2009, 1:08pm UTC
What kind of experience are you talkin' about?
Grems, I hope you're too stoned to realize what you just asked. LOL
Grems 'gremlin' Aug 24, 2009, 1:17pm UTC
Em Jay, as the SpokesGremlin for Gremlins who Gather, I am surprised you would even consider my question in any other manner than the intent of the question. Again, what type of experience do you wish to ascertain if Gus has?
I prefer to support candidates who have seen beyond this day to day and have opened their minds to what is possible. Catnip helps with that process. Makes for a good, deep, restful sleep too. Something any leader should get about 20 hours of each day.
Lori F. Aug 24, 2009, 1:22pm UTC
Grems I have to go with EM here. Does Gus have any experience? We are not running some OJT program here.
Grems 'gremlin' Aug 24, 2009, 1:24pm UTC
Previously you have supported his candidacy, but now you are doubting his abilities?
Here's the text of the Second Amendment in its entirety:

Amendment II

A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms or grow quantities of catnip suitable for personal use, shall not be infringed.
We are still supporting, but we are not blind followers. We have to ask the hard questions, because they will be asked of us too.
Personal use? That's a vague amount, as long as I can define my own quantity!
Lori F. Aug 24, 2009, 1:52pm UTC
Grems I am not saying I dont support Gus but I have some serious questions.

Like he can prove he was born but that doesnt mean he was born alive. What guarantee do I have of his aliveness?

And is he planning on redistributing the catnip or do I get to keep my own. And if he is going to redistribute the catnip I dont want any of mine to be taken but I heard my neighbor has some good stuff so I would like his.

And I question his experience. I realize in order to do this job you cannot really get the experience til you have the job but I am thinking he just isnt experienced enough to get th experience.
It's true, the personal use clause in the Second Amendment is troubling. Like the "natural born citizen" requirement, it's never been legally defined either by law or court decision.

The only suits brought in federal courts testing "personal use" have been dismissed on procedural grounds.
Ina ♥ ♥ Aug 24, 2009, 4:16pm UTC
OK. I admit it. He has a catnip problem, but it's my fault. I got him hooked. I was only trying to lessen his pain and add some zing to his existence.

He's actually a functioning niphead.
Grems 'gremlin' Aug 24, 2009, 1:04pm UTC
At last we have that issue solved. Now on to more pressing business such as who will he nominate as his second in command?
I could see if Mr. Fuzzy Gimp is busy. He knows what's it's like to be misunderstood and broken. He's also a serious butt kicker. Currently he is employed as porch bouncer, backing up Orangina's strict porch rules.
Lori F. Aug 24, 2009, 1:05pm UTC
And why is Nippy Katz the only one that signed this?
Actually thousands of people entered a lottery to sign Gus's Birth Certificate. I managed to buy both winning tickets. It was amazing good luck. :)
Grems 'gremlin' Aug 24, 2009, 1:08pm UTC
I'm thinking a version of Chicago style luck. ;>)
As many self help gurus have remarked, we make our own luck.
Grems 'gremlin' Aug 24, 2009, 1:14pm UTC
Had two tickets, sold two tickets, same frog bought both tickets. Said frog signed the certificate. Yep, sounds like Illinois politics. Do you know Blago?
I'm close friends with Dick Daly of the Aleatoric Party. He's helping with Gus's campaign.
Lori F. Aug 24, 2009, 2:12pm UTC
I'm close friends with Dick Daly of the Aleatoric Party. He's helping with Gus's campaign.

This concerns me. Nips you seem like too much of an insider and Gus' association with you gives him the inside edge and we dont need an insider with no experience having this amount of power.

I am really doubting my continued support for Gus.
I don't stand to gain from a win for Gus. It's true, I'm an Aleatoric Party member. The Party supports Gus because we believe that he is the only living being other than Prince Charles who truly exemplifies the Aleatoric mission and core values.

Gus will lead by example.
Lori F. Aug 24, 2009, 2:18pm UTC
Hold on I didnt think we established that Gus is in fact alive all we know is that he was born.

Has Prince Charles endorsed Gus? That could be very important.
Ina ♥ ♥ Aug 24, 2009, 4:17pm UTC
Do you need me to post yet another video of him to prove that he's alive?! What does it take for you birthers to quit harping on a dead subject?
M O. Aug 24, 2009, 1:40pm UTC
Looks suspiciously like a cut & paste job to me. And why the need for argon? Hmmm?

I'd like to know if any of the attendees at the rally were armed with poled nets. I know it's legal, but did it stifle any of the anti-Gus crowd from coming forward?

Lori F. Aug 24, 2009, 1:44pm UTC
Sheryl brings up a valid point.

We do have CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS here folks. Is Gus stepping all over them I ask you.
Well, yes. That's what cats do. They step on things, especially newly washed cars.
Kris M. Aug 24, 2009, 2:27pm UTC
And wet paint.
Ina ♥ ♥ Aug 24, 2009, 4:18pm UTC
And my dinner plate.
Nellie (RIP: Give to Life) Aug 24, 2009, 1:48pm UTC
Hey Lori might have a point here, how do we know that the bc is his long or birth certificate (I am getting confused now, so don't mind the dribble dripping from my open blubbering mouth), so is that to say that Gus might not be born alive but is actually a zombie who is facting it and was born in a differerent planet and is now the next bossmeow of all cats and will take away all our rights of citizens or is he really a living breathing meowmix whose mother mixed it up with a few toms and it is confusing of where and when he was concieved...or born?
Nellie (RIP: Give to Life) Aug 24, 2009, 1:48pm UTC
not facting, faking...told you I was confused...
Lori F. Aug 24, 2009, 1:53pm UTC
See Nellie knows what I am talking about..which is good because I certainly dont.
Nellie (RIP: Give to Life) Aug 24, 2009, 1:58pm UTC
Now everyone should be real scared, because well....oh heckadoodles, pffffttttttt
Ada D. Aug 24, 2009, 1:49pm UTC
This certificate is obviously a fake. My cousin's wife's uncle is a writer, and he interviewed Gus's step-grandmother, who swears she witnessed the birth of Gus in an abandoned barn in Iran. That means he is a Persian, even if he doesn't look like one. Furrrin felines can't be President.
Lori F. Aug 24, 2009, 1:54pm UTC
But it only counts Ada if his wife's first cousin second cousin's third wife is a lawyer.
M O. Aug 24, 2009, 1:56pm UTC
Furrrin felines can't be President.

What about one of them fuglie hairless cats?
Ada D. Aug 24, 2009, 1:57pm UTC
Not only a lawyer (via correspondence course), but a real estate broker and a dentist, as well! That's really, really qualified!
Lori F. Aug 24, 2009, 1:58pm UTC
And along with the lawyer thingy s/he must have an IQ exceeding 140 and be an MBA and have a doctorate in every subject known to man and woman plus they must have both a penis and a vagina but cant use either.
I knew I'd find something I'm qualified for. :)

Gus meets all those criteria and more. He produces some of the most amazing mats and tufts ever seen on a cat.
Ina ♥ ♥ Aug 24, 2009, 4:19pm UTC
You could make a burqua out of them.
Ina ♥ ♥ Aug 24, 2009, 4:53pm UTC
My cousin's wife's uncle is a writer, and he interviewed Gus's step-grandmother, who swears she witnessed the birth of Gus in an abandoned barn in Iran.

That's a lie! Gus's stepgrandmother is MY mother! She's never even been to Iran. Now, had you claimed Latvia, you would be more believable.

Get your facts straight before posting, missy!
M O. Aug 24, 2009, 1:59pm UTC
And do we really believe the story that he lost his eye fighting for our country's freedoms on foreign soil? I heard rumors about some kind of feline-swapping campaign fund raiser that went horribly bad.
aniko    Aug 24, 2009, 2:34pm UTC
You know, there's this guy on the internet who says his uncle's friend's stepsister's cousin has a cat that was born in Ohio in 1999, and its certificate of feline birth has a slightly different color--the border is more ocher, for example.

But I fully support Gus, of course.
Ada D. Aug 24, 2009, 2:41pm UTC
Birth Catificates in my state are a mousy brown, with a canary yellow border.
Lori F. Aug 24, 2009, 3:03pm UTC
And isnt there supposed to be a raised seal? I dont see a raised seal here.

Obvious fake.
Ada D. Aug 24, 2009, 3:07pm UTC
Lori: Do cats raise seals? I thought cats hated water.
Take a look at the revised version of the article with new evidence.
Janna, VP, Ennui Aug 24, 2009, 3:46pm UTC
I love the raised seal!
Seals raised by cats usually need some form of therapy. Seals are naturally better suited to living in water. Cats, except for Bengals and a couple of other breeds, shun water. Seals raised by cats have been rehabilitated.

Fortunately seals and cats have some things they like in common including: basking, fish, nipping, et al.
I have a cat named Loki who loves water. He will help with the dishes by sitting in the sink with them and keeping them company while they soak.

There is also video footage of him stopping a fan with his face.

Did Gus ever disappear for a weekend and sow some wild oats with a puma? We don't know where Loki came from, but I'm getting suspicious.
Ina ♥ ♥ Aug 24, 2009, 4:55pm UTC
Actually, he disappeared for four days last summer when he thought the lawnmower was trying to get him.

I think he could have made it to Columbus and back in that time frame.
aniko    Aug 25, 2009, 1:45am UTC
Is that a raised seal, or a ball raised by a seal?
The seal is sitting on a barrel which is raised above the pool deck.
aniko    Aug 25, 2009, 2:45pm UTC
That's quite sufficiently raised. Thank you.
Dave Sandborg Aug 24, 2009, 4:07pm UTC
How do we know that "7/4/99" doesn't mean 1799? If so, Ohio wasn't a state then and Gus wouldn't have been a citizen by birth.
Ohio has always been a state. Always.
Kris M. Aug 24, 2009, 4:35pm UTC
Is there any proof to the rumor that Gus may be La Gatita's biological father?
Ina ♥ ♥ Aug 24, 2009, 4:56pm UTC
I think La Gatita looks more like Hitch. That would make her Gus' niece.
Mugg Muggles, The Man With the Jive Aug 24, 2009, 7:02pm UTC
Screw the documentation, let's just get on with the coronation of G U S !
Lori F. Aug 24, 2009, 7:12pm UTC
Dont make me have to file a frivilous lawsuit Mugg.
Mugg Muggles, The Man With the Jive Aug 24, 2009, 7:47pm UTC
Knock yourself out darlin' I'm officially judgement proof .
It's true -- what he doesn't tell you about his Jive is that it's Teflon™...
Ellie !. Aug 24, 2009, 7:19pm UTC
I think he may be an alien. But I agree...let's just crown him!
Grems 'gremlin' Aug 25, 2009, 9:21am UTC
Crown the King of PetStar
Paul M. Aug 25, 2009, 12:17pm UTC
He's got my vote.
Ada D. Aug 25, 2009, 12:41pm UTC
Much to the disappointment of friends on the furr right, I now accept the birth certificate as genuine. I had my doubts, but the raised seal did it for me.
M M. Aug 25, 2009, 4:10pm UTC
Which is it dear.
Kenny True Blue Aug 2, 2011, 3:19pm UTC
Meowslem?

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