by Renita P.
Member since:
July 26, 2006

My heart is breaking for my little girl

August 23, 2009 04:03 PM EDT
views: 178 | rating: 10/10 (12 votes) | comments: 52

Well, actually for my big girl, but she's still just 8 so still a "little" girl.

She woke up and came and crawled into bed with me this morning and says "Mom, do we have to go to church today?"  Huh? Usually she's the one upset on the rare occasions when we CAN'T go, so it was really a shock for me.  So... start asking questions and here's what I find out.

First of all, she just moved up a class in June when she turned 8. Her class is now kids from 8 through 5th grade. So, some of the 5th graders are 10-11 years old.  Our neighbor girl, who she always considers her best friend, is 10 1/2 so she's in the class as we take her to church.  Now, shortly after she moved up we had gone on vacation so she wasn't there for about 3 weeks. So, she's only been going for the last 4 weeks again. I knew 2 weeks ago that she seemed upset but told me nothing was wrong. My husband said he noticed last week that she also seemed upset but still said nothing was wrong.

Ok...so what's going on?  Turns out that all the other 8 year olds are boys who are at the "rough" stage and want nothing to do with girls. All the girls in the class are in the 10-11 range and want nothing to do with an 8 year old who is new to class.  There are 2 girls in there that she is friends with, but they only play with her when the other one is not there. If they are both there, they ignore her. Another girl apparently called my daughter "fat & ugly."  WHAT?  Obviously the teacher's were not within earshot when this occured.

So, today she was a "helper" in the 2.5-3 yr old class and I met with her teacher after class.  We're both going to be praying about what to do. I kind of want to move her back down to the 6-7 yr old class where her friends are and let her move up when they move up (most of them have birthdays within the next few months). My daughter doesn't want to do that because "Mom, I'm EIGHT now."  Plus I'm sure the older kids would tease her for moving back down.  But, I don't want my daughter to hate going to church. She loves to go, normally.  One of the teenagers that my daughter really looks up to sat with her today and talked to her and gave her some words of wisdom! After all, an 8 year old will listen to a 16 year old over a parent any day, right? And this gal is a wonderful young lady so I'm glad my daughter has her to look up to.

Anyway..thanks for reading.. Lots of prayers going up for my daughter and the situation this week. I know the enemy wants to steal her joy (and ours) and render us useless, but that just ain't gonna happen. I'm blessed to have a wonderful, loving daughter who loves the Lord and has a desire to serve Him. 

 

This is my daughter with her baby cousin. She beautiful inside and out.
link to this page
Bookmark this post:
Facebook
Twitter
Delicious
Buzz
More

Comments: 52

Amanda "middle of nowhere" C. Aug 23, 2009, 4:08pm EDT
Oh, this shouldn't be happening at church. If she stays in her old class, will more students from that class move into the other class next year? That might be an option. Maybe the teacher could have a little get-together for the girls, so the older girls can get to know your daughter, too. I saw a situation like this in my church and the latter worked very well. The older girls somehow came to view the younger girl as a little sister in a good way. They still sort of protect her, even though it's been five years.
Renita P. Aug 23, 2009, 4:11pm EDT
No, it shouldn't be happening at church. But, kids are kids no matter what. They're surrounded by name-calling and ugliness at school, on TV, etc. So, it's "normal" but not right. I know at least one of her friends turns 8 in December, but his mom said she will probably keep him in the younger class til next year. Not sure when the others move up. They move up by age until 8, then by grade.
That is indeed a testiment. Don't let the enemy steal your joy. If he does, he can keep your goods. "REMEMBER, the Joy of the Lord" is you strength.
Renita P. Aug 23, 2009, 4:13pm EDT
I know, Henry. But, as a mom, it just hurts to see my child hurting. Especially where she's usually the outgoing kid that makes other shyer kids feel comfortable and welcome. She makes friends sooooo easily it's crazy. And yet these kids, in her own church, won't let her be friends with them. Of course after seeing this behavior, I'd rather she NOT be friends with them... I don't want her picking up their unacceptable behavior.
Katharyne T. Aug 23, 2009, 4:12pm EDT
my kids have a hard time ajusting to new kids, she will find her place
Renita P. Aug 23, 2009, 4:15pm EDT
I know she will, but I don't want it to be at the expense of hating to go to church - a place she has loved for years.
Kelly K ~ Jesus Saves ~ Aug 23, 2009, 4:13pm EDT
awww. why are 8 yrs olds in class with 10 and 11 yo olds?
8 yr old in classes with 5th graders?
You daughter seems to be a sweet girl and I hope
that she will not let the older kids and the boys
deter her from Sunday School.
Did you talk with the Teachers?
Pray. and I will be in prayers for you all as well.
hugs =)
Renita P. Aug 23, 2009, 4:14pm EDT
They don't have enough teachers to separate them more. And yes, I did speak with her teacher so we can decide which is the best move for her. She has KNOWN these kids for a long time but just hasn't been in class with them. She sees some of them at many homeschool activities as well so it's not like she's a totally unknown kid in class.
Kelly K ~ Jesus Saves ~ Aug 23, 2009, 7:47pm EDT
it's like that at our church as well. more kids, than enough teachers.
kids should not be mean to other kids, but it's that way
sometimes, =(
I hope things get better.
.* Sandi * Aug 23, 2009, 4:15pm EDT
im so sorry this is happening, but I guess some kids are nasty even if they go to church.
I will be praying. Your beautiful daughter is at a in between age, I hope and prayer it gets better for her
Renita P. Aug 23, 2009, 4:52pm EDT
Thank you, Sandi. I know it will. It just really hurt to hear all this as I'm needing to rush and get ready for church.
Janie E. Aug 23, 2009, 4:15pm EDT
Your daughter is a blessing from God, but, I know don't have to tell you this!
Renita P. Aug 23, 2009, 4:53pm EDT
Thank you, Janie. Yes, she is!
Janie E. Aug 23, 2009, 4:54pm EDT
You're very welcomed, Renita!
Deb J. Aug 23, 2009, 4:18pm EDT
Your daughter is a little beauty and as Amanda said this should not be happening in a church setting of all things...I can understand a public school...they are a nightmare these days I want to pull my daughter out by 7th grade and homeschool her if there is any way in the world we can afford to do that!!! Wow, it is just so tough sometimes being a single mom!!! Her dad totally deserted her though and hasn't seen her in over 6 years and now no child support for over 1 1/2 years...He has a warrant out in my state but he lives in ARK! So...he better not step in my state again or I'll have him aggressive. He is also a very rageful agressive man...and abusive. That is why I divorced him when I was only 3 months pregnant.
Renita P. Aug 23, 2009, 4:54pm EDT
Wow, Deb. That's rough. Once she's old enough to be home along (and you feel OK with that), you can easily do homeschooling online or in your off-hours. I know single moms who have managed it.

Even though this was at church, MOST of these kids are in public school and you do become a product of your environment to a certain extent.
Stick Man K. Aug 23, 2009, 4:22pm EDT
Aw she's so cute! Why are kids so mean?

...you should teach her how to fight!!!... just kidding!!!
Stick Man K. Aug 23, 2009, 4:26pm EDT
When I was 8 my parents moved us to a town in the middle of nowhere, and most of the kids in my class (if not all) had been born and raised there. I think going through that has helped me learn to deal with people, and make friends anywhere.
Renita P. Aug 23, 2009, 4:55pm EDT
I went through that at 14 and it was really hard at first, but overall, it was the best thing for me. Made me come out of my shell and be outgoing again.
Lee P. Aug 23, 2009, 4:26pm EDT
Your daughter is indeed beautiful. Her smile is radiant.

Children can be mean to other children. Maybe the church should arrange the childrens classes according to what grade they are in in school instead of what age they are and then they could always be in a class with their peer groups. This reminds me of the pecking order that birds use. Tender hearts can be broken eaisly and you daughter has a tender heart. I have a feeling you'll work it out. You can always change churches, your daughter is more important than a demonination. Talk to your pasor, perhaps he can preach a nice message to the young people about how wrong clicks are. Children tend to group together according to age friends, but to say mean things to your daughter is not acceptable. That's cruel and not christian at all, it doesn't sound like they are learning much about loving each other in their classes.
Renita P. Aug 23, 2009, 4:57pm EDT
In a way, I agree it would be easier to keep kids with their own class. However, with a church the size of ours (about 400 families) there just isn't enough teachers or classrooms to do so. We go to a non-denominational church, so it's not a matter of being specifically in a denomination. But, truth is, this happens everywhere. I do feel confident in the teacher's ability to deal with the situation now that she's aware of it. She knew Bethany didn't seem happy but wasn't sure what was causing it. They'll either get it worked out soon, or she'll move back to her other class until her friends are old enough to move up.
Jeff H. Aug 23, 2009, 4:29pm EDT
Poor girl. I hope everything works out.
Renita P. Aug 23, 2009, 4:57pm EDT
Thanks, Jeff.
chelsie t. Aug 23, 2009, 4:36pm EDT
i hope everything works out! kids can be so mean.
Renita P. Aug 23, 2009, 4:58pm EDT
Yes they can! Now I remember why I was always sticking up for the underdog!
j - Frugal Mom - r. Aug 23, 2009, 4:48pm EDT
Renita, I'm so sorry to hear that your daughter has to deal with this. As mothers seeing our children being hurt (in any way), is the worst feeling. I don't have a solution for you, but I hope that time will make it easier for her. Kids really can be cruel, and especially at that age.
Renita P. Aug 23, 2009, 4:58pm EDT
Thanks, J.
Cyndi B. Aug 23, 2009, 4:56pm EDT
So sorry that your daughter has to deal with this. I can understand in a way. My son who is 2.5 moved up to the 2 year class and there is a girl in there who I watched try to scratch the eyes out of another child who had a toy she wanted. Then once stopped by teachers, who then went to deal with another child turned around a bit another kid leaving marks. My son hasn't wanted to go back to church since that incident.

I try to keep him with me in service, but by the time the preaching starts he is too noisy and we usually end up leaving. Every Sunday I get up and start getting him ready only to hear the whole way there that he doesn't want to go to church. It is so frustrating because I want it to be a good experience for him, like it was for me growing up. I made so many friends in church and I learned so much.
Renita P. Aug 23, 2009, 5:01pm EDT
Cyndi,
Not that it makes it any easier, but that is completely normal behavior for toddlers. They haven't learned to "co-play" yet. It happened to my youngest daughter at that age as well. Hopefully, since the teachers are aware, they'll be watching the biter more closely. Fortunately for me, the child who bit mine had parents who were VERY good parents and had him apologize for it, even at 2.5 years old. It never happened again. I would keep trying to put your child back in class - after he goes one time and nothing goes wrong, he will probably be fine.

Amazing how quick the "mama bear" comes out though, isn't it?? :)
Elizabeth S. Aug 23, 2009, 5:15pm EDT
All the churches I've ever been part of moved kids up as a group all at one time. I never realized how good that was before. Moving one child into a group that's already been together is hard for the newbie.
Fortunately since her friends will be joining her in the next few months this won't last long.
The phrase "no good deed goes unpunished" keeps popping into my mind about the little problem girl next door you've tried to help.
So sorry that your daughter has to deal with this kind of situation. As far as another girl calling her fat and ugly, that is horrible!!Your daughter is beautiful, and far from being fat. I hope things work out for her and she starts feeling better soon.
Marsha S. Aug 23, 2009, 6:09pm EDT
that would be tough...she wants to be there since she's 8, but at the same time she doesn't.
Hopefully she will make it through until some of her other friends move up.
W
Steph-in-NE ..... Aug 23, 2009, 6:51pm EDT
hopefully you will get the right answer from the man upstairs and all else needed. It is rough to be in that awkward stages.. to young for some and too old for others..
Stacey *Mamasaid* D. Aug 23, 2009, 8:22pm EDT
Renita, she's a beautiful blessing! My daughter is 8 and endured some cruelty at church group, too. It amazes me this stuff happens where people are supposed to be kind and prayerful. The older kids (teen assistant teachers) helped make the situation better for my daughter and it sounds like the 16 year old was helping your daughter and maybe can help to diffuse the situation. My prayers are with her that everything improves :)
Renita P. Aug 23, 2009, 10:56pm EDT
Thanks, Stacey. She seemed to feel much better about everything after talking to the teenage friend. I talked to her about it more this afternoon and told her we were going to pray about it - that maybe God had her there so these other kids could be taught how to behave better, but that we wanted to be sure she was in the best place for her, too. We'll see how it goes next week.
Melissa Underhill Aug 23, 2009, 8:24pm EDT
I'm sorry the other kids are being mean to her! -hugs-
Breanna E. Aug 23, 2009, 9:04pm EDT
Your daughter is beautiful!!!! She is defeniatly not fat and ugly!!! Defeniatly tell her I said that. I cant believe how mean kids can be, especially at such a young age.
I'm glad your daughter is getting help from the cool nice teenager :)
Renita P. Aug 23, 2009, 10:59pm EDT
Thank you, Breanna. No, she's not fat or ugly. She's just not the beanpole stick figure that most girls her age are. It's not her fault she's built solid like her daddy! :) But you couldn't ask for a child with a more loving heart.
Breanna E. Aug 24, 2009, 12:26am EDT
I know what you mean, one of my nieces if so skinny! I wish she had a little more weight on her! Her sister has a little more weight on her and is perfect to me. They are both beautiful girls and neithers weight effects that, like with your daughter.
timi A. Aug 23, 2009, 10:20pm EDT
Oh yes, she is a beauty of course. I know this is a reflection of what parents do, so the kids are imitating those behaviors. Please tell her to keep her heads up and keep on talking to God. After a while, they would change. It is well
Renita P. Aug 23, 2009, 10:57pm EDT
I agree, Timi. Another teacher told me today that he had tried to talk to parents about a child's behavior and the parent got right in his face with the "how dare you tell me how to raise my child" tactics. Sad. If MY child misbehaves, I want to know!
timi A. Aug 24, 2009, 12:26pm EDT
And we call ourselves believers? We are the worse creatures on earth, Christians!
Renita P. Aug 26, 2009, 11:36pm EDT
No, not the worst, Timi - but just as flawed and sinful as anyone. Praise God His mercies are new every morning
Heidi Cole Aug 24, 2009, 12:33am EDT
Our church moves kids by age until age 6, then by grade. But all the grades are in separate rooms. I guess I am thankful that even in a big church we have plenty of teachers so they are able to keep it all the same grade in one class! That's a pretty big age gap from 8 to 11 as far as social skills, etc...

I'd probably just move her back down to her class and I would talk with the teacher in the room she was in and tell them what is happening. And, sounds like they need to recruit more teachers! 400 families is a lot of adults that can volunteer their time! We go to a nondenominational church too, but are very fortunate that tons of people volunteer to work in the children's ministry!
jerome k. Aug 24, 2009, 6:12am EDT
It's the normal ups and downs of growing up. As parents we don't see it all, can't feel the emotions of our children; we just have to trust that we have a good relationship with them so they will come to us to talk..and we will listen. Many things they have to work out for themselves; we did when we were little, remember?
You just have to be there.

And people who go to church are human too, just as frail as those who do not, just as vulnerable. However, not everything is cured, solved or answered by going to church every week. If you think about it, there will be many reasons why a person makes that journey, including doing what it expected by others.

Peace.
Renita P. Aug 26, 2009, 11:38pm EDT
I agree, Jerome - Christians or "church" people are just as flawed as anyone. I expect these things to happen while growing up. But what I don't find acceptable is for my daughter to hate her Sunday School class. I don't want her not wanting to go to church because of another child's unacceptable behavior that isn't being addressed. Apparently this gal talks badly toward the teachers all the time and is allowed to get away with it.
Barbara M. Aug 24, 2009, 5:30pm EDT
She's just too cute for anyone to hurt. I hope it all works out.
Chelle M. Aug 28, 2009, 3:06pm EDT
Hope everything gets worked out. :) You have a very beautiful little girl :)

This comment is to let you know that this content has reached at least ten comments, and as such has been removed from Comment Speedway! Congratulations!
Kimberli T. Sep 7, 2009, 11:44pm EDT
She is a very pretty girl! I delt with 'girl crime' when I was about her age at my church. I must sadly say it never got better. And even now I don't really talk to them but every now and then. Even my 'best friend' pulled away for me doing something that she had done the same thing! Haha. My best advice to you is BE THERE FOR HER! I will always treasure the moments that I was curled up on my mom's bed crying over what went on at church that day. Why? Because she loved me unconditionally. She never tried to 'advise' on what to do about it, because it's honestly not anything I did... it was THEIR problem and like the wise mom she was, she rocognized that. She shared with me stories from her own life when women had let her down and she pointed out that I was recieving a strength from this torment. That one day I'd be able to look back and remember how that felt and use this gift to help another. You know what? I do think I'm a stonger person for it... and I think your daughter will be too.

Join the Conversation
Chime in! Become a Gather member to comment.
Already a member? Sign in
top
 
Gather | Friends | Groups | Share
About Gather | Engagement Marketing | Make New Friends | Gather Points | Advertise on Gather | Gather Press | Privacy | Terms of Service | Community Guidelines
Books | Celebs | Entertainment | Family | Food | Health | Moms | Money | News | Politics | Spirituality | Sports | Travel | Writing
Version 16836, "Oz"; Copyright © 2009 Gather Inc. All rights reserved.