Sibling Rivalry

I have been married for 28 years and my wonderful wife and I raised 5 children all born between Feb. 1983 and July of 1990. We learned many things from this. One sibling rivalry and learning to share are issues most children face in families with 2 or more born close together. Children born farther apart or only children are more likely o have to learn sharing with others in a school or daycare environment.

However for parents in our position. The best method we found for combating the sibling rivalry issue was to include the older sibling in the care of the younger. In other words to ask them to help and to let them know that we and their sibling appreciated the help. This seemed to strengthen the bond between out children that still survives all the changes they have gone through in life as they have grown older and moved on to their own lives, homes and families.

The sharing issue is again a sticky one. Though the above mentioned method did help with this issue as well. We did have to take the steps of removing all the older siblings toys temporarily at times as a form of time out when they behaved badly in respect to sharing. But what I believe was the most important step we took based on the results we achieved. Was to not permit the older sibling to 'share' any of the younger siblings toys etc. unless they first shared one of their own with the younger. This seemed to help teach them to share and teach them the concept of individuals property. They learned that some things belonged to them others belonged to their sisters, brothers etc. They also learned that to share others property they must also be willing to share their own property.

This is what worked for us. We have 5 wonderful children and 11 grand children who are all close and share many things even now. Part of the success of this may be that we also taught our children that family is the most important thing in life.

Great ideas, Douglas! I will start implementing the sharing aspect immediately. Mila already "helps" with Malachi's care, but maybe I can allow her to choose a special task that she can do every time for him. Perhaps making the choice herself will make it all the more effective. Thanks!

Have you tried to have time with just her? Like when my daughter was born my then husband would take my daughter (or grandparents would) and I would go do something with just him each week. Even if it was an hour. However he was 4 at the time I would also put him in other programs to make him feel important.

Maybe let her help with the baby. Tell her since she is older she gets to stay up a little later even if it is a half hour later just to be time with you and dad?

Hi Renee~
My husband and I ewach try to have a "date" with her about once a week - first a mommy-daughter date, then the following week a daddy-daughter date, where we take her to eat, and then to a movie, the playground, or a toy store to build her "Christmas wish list". Maybe we'd better bump up the dates...Once a week each?

Hi Cindy, I hope our experiences will help. I believe Renee also has some great input.

Since all children need to believe they are special to their parents and family. This is one of the foundations of their security and confidence in themselves. Many experts also propose spending that quality time with each of your children. Where they are the focus of your attention, as Renee said even if only for an hour a week.

I believe first born are the most susceptible to sibling rivalry though others have to face the issue as well. I believe this simply because before a second child is born they are the sole focus of the parents. Then here comes lil sis or bro and all the sudden they feel left out or left behind. It is not that other children do not feel this way. Just that the first born will normally see the most dramatic change in the, (for lack of a better term) one on one time they spend with their parents.