by Corinna Parr
Member since:
September 2, 2007

The Universe is Bloodless

August 09, 2009 04:32 PM EDT
views: 63 | comments: 16

Stroke your arm and think:
The universe is bloodless,
Not I; this body
of flesh, veins, soft pulsing heart,
made to spill, to break;
Life, to the beat of mad drums,
or hands on my skin.
The universe is bloodless;
Not I, this body of flesh.

This is a chōka which I am told is one of the oldest forms of Japanese poetry, if not the oldest form, from which most of their other forms are derived.
I'm proud of myself for using the word "and" only once here. Go Team Me!

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Comments: 16

JustMe ~I'm happy to be~ Aug 9, 2009, 4:33pm EDT
Go team You! Bravo!
Corinna Parr Aug 9, 2009, 7:05pm EDT
Team Me takes a bow. ;) Thank you!
Umar, Abu Nurain Aug 9, 2009, 5:12pm EDT
I like the contrast between you and the universe, as if one does not contain the other. It is also a prayer to be felt and understood in contrast to the vastness on the impenetrable.
Corinna Parr Aug 9, 2009, 7:06pm EDT
You've struck the mark squarely, Umar. It did have the taste of a prayer, while it was in my mind waiting to be written. I think the restraint of the form helped with that.
Mustafa Demiri Aug 9, 2009, 5:34pm EDT
This choka has a power to empower the reader with the idea that; though we are frail in contrast to universe, we are more powerful in one sense, in the sense that we are all ultimately, if only for a very short time, aware of being.
Corinna Parr Aug 9, 2009, 7:07pm EDT
That's a beautiful description. Thank you, Mustafa. It's just what I was aiming for when I sat down to write it.
Jennifer Lee Aug 9, 2009, 6:29pm EDT
I read it out loud and it has both rhythm and flow which I enjoyed. It is one great aspect of your poem. The meaning is profound. I'll return with more shortly as I have to re-read your workshop again for ideas.
Jennifer Lee Aug 9, 2009, 6:44pm EDT
It is original, creative, and excellent choice. The form is good because you make a poignant statement in fewer words. I like that you did not use and. Sometimes that word is hard to eliminate. It feels like a meditation to me. The imagery and comparison are effective. My favorite line is "Life, to the beat of mad drums" because I can relate to that. You know of my situation. I have no suggestions for improvement. Thank you for posting to our group.
Corinna Parr Aug 9, 2009, 7:09pm EDT
Thank you, Jennifer! I really appreciate your feedback. It -is- a challenge to get rid of the filler words, but I've always thought that when they're gone, what's left is far more powerful. And when the form demands you limit syllables, while also conveying a message, they take away even more space for what could be said. Thank you again. :)
Tory H. Aug 10, 2009, 10:19am EDT
Ooh, beautifully written. What an interesting theme; really brings about interesting trains of thought. Thank you!
Corinna Parr Aug 10, 2009, 11:33am EDT
Thank you, Tory! I was hoping it would serve that purpose and I'm it succeeded. :)
Sandy (Site Psychic™) Knauer Aug 10, 2009, 11:09am EDT
I enjoyed this, Corinna. It "fits" with thoughts that led me to discuss a green funeral with my family. (I'm a few years ahead of health care reform when it comes to end of life planning.)
Corinna Parr Aug 10, 2009, 11:35am EDT
Hey there, Sandy! It's good to see you. A green funeral is something I've considered as well. I think the method that interests me most is having my ashes mixed with my partner's, and concrete, and moulded into a coral reef base.

Although I should probably discuss it with him first. ;)
Ann M. (Site Scryer) Aug 10, 2009, 11:13am EDT
I've often thought the same thing, Corinna. I look at my body and wonder at how it will, in the end, be reduced to the minerals of the universe. You've brought the contrast between the animate and inanimate into stark focus by repeating the poem's title.

Life seems such an unlikely event when I think about these things.
Corinna Parr Aug 10, 2009, 11:38am EDT
I enjoy thinking that not only will it be reduced to the minerals of the universe, but we're already made up quite a bit "stardust". 40-93% depending on the article you read.

Makes Twilight's sparkle vampire seem a -little- more plausible. ;)

Thank you, Ann! I admit that I went into this one wanting to blend Japanese and Western forms. While I didn't fuse the choka entirely with a triolet, the inspiration was there, and I'm glad you found the combination compelling.
Atticus *. Oct 30, 2009, 6:08pm EDT
"Life, to the beat of mad drums,
or hands on my skin."

Separate but not, here you put your finger on the pulse of the universe. Lovely, lovely verse. I've read this several times Corinna, and in it I find a supreme expression of the human condition. So small, and yet so large.

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