I would love to hear you read this out loud as it could be read many ways. Between the line breaks and punctuation meanings shiver from literal to personal musing like "cloudburst under cover of dark" a lonely tree or...lovers loving or crying even arguing in bed at night or... birds of a feather greeting the dawn together enough said
Hey Jan, Thanks so much for the lovely comment. This is a little poem, but you are right, the reading of it is very important. I had to practice a bit out loud to get the intonation so that the modifying lines still read backwards and forwards.
The finest point is your careful pretense of carelessness. As if God has cast dice and the result is here...images... but suddenly reader realize, he has gone somewhere else... into a more philosophical truth.
Hey Ron. Thank so much for reading. It is a love poem. At least that is how I intended it. But as Jan and Andrea suggest, I hoped to pack it full of nuance and double meaning. Love is never simple. The spirit of the poem is to capture a moment. I did not want my poem to describe a moment, I wanted it to be one. And you know moments, they are by definition brief and complex. That was at least the aim. Does that help? Thanks for the question and the comment Ron.
Forgive me for being late to the party, Atticus. I've sat with this for a little while, in an attempt to do justice to what you've done here. First, let me say that I love the adventurousness of the poem's structure. Its complexity is formal and syntactic rather than imagistic, which is a nice change of pace; in that respect it reminds me a little of Cummings. As with Cummings, I'm encouraged to read the poem in several ways at once. The title becomes a refrain in the poem: "of dark birds, poems." That in turn leads me to play with the remaining lines on their own: "Cloudburst under cover / leaves shaken limbs strewn. / Still, wild distant shore / welcome sunrise. / What more from love / with too many words?" At which point the "dark birds" vanish into the scene, as those who partake of the "cloudburst under cover" and who "welcome sunrise," those who embody the "love." Finally there's the top syntax and its diverting slippage, where for example "of dark" can modify both "under cover" (under cover of dark) and "leaves" (dark leaves). To some extent the poem resists synthesis, but I would place it in the idea of a love that can only be expressed obliquely, from the essence of which words tend to remove us.
The only phrase that gave me pause was "wild distant shore," and I'm not sure whether it's worth tinkering with. I love what you've done with it at the bookends-- "Still" as both "even so" and "quiescent," "shore" both as place and modifier in "shore birds." The phrase itself kind of removed me from the "location" of the cloudburst, however, which I've imagined beneath "dark leaves." Was that intentional? Enduring (enjoying?) the cloudburst, welcoming the sunrise, all of that works for me, I'm just not sure about the shore. I can try to be more specific.
In any case, this is a wonderful effort, Atticus. You don't often see poems of such compact meaning. My hat's off to you for that.
James, First let me thank you profusely for your wonderful powers of observation and for your magnificent generosity. You always read my poems to great depth and I am quite honored by it. The poem: Thanks so much for your comments on the structure of the poem and the function of the title. I almost made the tragic mistake of trying to do this as a visual poem (something I'm not comfortable with in my own work at all). I finally decided that the structure was strong enough to support the idea without that kind flourish. It wouldn't have worked as well. I'm thrilled that you saw how "of dark/birds/poems" removes itself form the poem, much as I imagined them flying off to a "distant shore". (I'll come back to that) You got so completely my intent to show the inadequacy of words in conveying the depth and range of emotion most of us cannot hope to express, if and when we can pause for a "moment" to experience it. Yes, the true depth of one's love can really only be shown obliquely, as you put it, at least by humans. We are dark birds in this respect. Sort of like Heisenberg, The moment you speak of love, you limit it. Shore: You make an excellent point and I had thought that the inclusion of this idea might be too much. But conversely I felt it reinforces some of the behind the scenes themes in the poem and helped to tease them out. Because I think it may provide some insight on how I think the poem should work, I have to tell you the inspiration for this poem, don't worry, I'll be brief - for two reasons. First because I'm not sure it is a good idea to divulge the inspiration for a poem. It colors the reading and sometimes becomes an excuse for "why you should like it". Secondly, because it was the idea of it that had as much of an impact on my poem as the actuality, and I don't want to make it seem contrived. Here it is: I started this poem in my head on a stormy morning the day after my wife returned home from a trip to Galveston. Ok, having said that, I wanted to use "shore" and "distant" to provide contrast to the immediacy of the poem and to illustrate and throw in the idea that even when one is completely engaged in the moment, the mind wanders to distant shores creating meaning and metaphor in absentia. It was also a device to help the dark birds fly away. Then there is the alliteration. I understand completely your reservations. I will really think about this. You have given me some great feedback. Thank you.
I may see the literal even superficial context in that in even the chaos and storms of life, like the birds welcoming the dawn, there is hope and in this simplicity of actions it is much like a love poem. Much can be said with a few words. did you think of putting "limbs strewn" on a separate line? it's the only place that I stumbled in rhythm. I love this consiseness, Atticus
Richard thank you so much for the comment. I appreciate your input. I did play with this quite extensively. I envision the line "leaves shaken limbs strewn" being read in such a way that it is ambiguous whether the meaning is "leaves shaken limbs strew" or "leaves shaken, limbs strew" Also compounded by the ambiguity of whether "leaves" is modified by "dark" or not. I think putting it on a separate line would damage the structure. If you read the line as I have suggested, not emphasizing any of the spacing in between the words of that line, I believe it will flow better for you. The poem is meant to be read slowly and deliberately. Again, thanks so much, I value your opinion.
Is there anything so daunting as a storm at night?... Especially for those that traverse the skies by wing and by light... To them, the first signs of the rising sun would certainly be a most welcome and auspicious sight.
Please forgive the verse, I was inpired to it as a reflection of your excellent poem.
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Comments: 44
Between the line breaks and punctuation
meanings shiver from literal to personal musing
like "cloudburst under cover of dark" a lonely tree or...lovers loving or crying even arguing in bed at night or...
birds of a feather greeting the dawn together
enough said
This is wonderful...I like it..a lot.
http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.action?articleId=281474977754784
painter’s block
The only phrase that gave me pause was "wild distant shore," and I'm not sure whether it's worth tinkering with. I love what you've done with it at the bookends-- "Still" as both "even so" and "quiescent," "shore" both as place and modifier in "shore birds." The phrase itself kind of removed me from the "location" of the cloudburst, however, which I've imagined beneath "dark leaves." Was that intentional? Enduring (enjoying?) the cloudburst, welcoming the sunrise, all of that works for me, I'm just not sure about the shore. I can try to be more specific.
In any case, this is a wonderful effort, Atticus. You don't often see poems of such compact meaning. My hat's off to you for that.
(Review submitted for Honest Poetry Critique)
did you think of putting "limbs strewn" on a separate line? it's the only place that I stumbled in rhythm. I love this consiseness, Atticus
Please forgive the verse, I was inpired to it as a reflection of your excellent poem.