Birthers: Hawaii Isn't a Real State

HONOLULU, Hawaii.  Temporarily set back by the release of a Certification of Live Birth for President Barack Obama by the State of Hawaii, members of the "birther" movement today fought back, arguing that Hawaii is not a real state.

I mean seriously:  Which is more likely to be a state, Hawaii or Nebraska?

"Obama is not a legitimate president because Hawaii is not a legitimate state," said Norbert Speiser of Downer's Grove, Illinois.  "Hawaii does not have a straight line in its borders, which is required in order to obtain statehood."

An alleged Kenyan birth certificate for Obama was filed in one of numerous lawsuits challenging Obama's citizenship, but White House press officers claimed it was produced by an internet-based Kenyan Birth Certificate Generator.  "So what," replied Alan Strader, or Roanoke, Virginia.  "Anybody could set up a fake Hawaiian Certification of Live Birth Generator."

Hawaii lacks many of the characteristics of the other forty-nine states, according to Herman Wold, chairman of the Geography Department at Clark University in Worcester, Mass.  "Hawaii is the only state made up entirely of islands, not geographically located in North America, and completely surrounded by water," he notes.  "Do you want me to keep going, because we're right in the middle of our annual verification of state capitals, and we're only on Kentucky."

Jim Nabors:  And they say it can't happen here.

Hawaii is the only state with a royal palace, a fact that has caused many birthers to suspect that Obama will ultimately demand to be named King of the United States.  Hawaii is the only state in which coffee is grown, and the only state occupied by Jim Nabors, the actor who portrayed "Gomer Pyle" on The Andy Griffith Show and a subsequent eponymous spin-off from that show.  "An eponymous spin-off can be a life-saver in a solar system such as ours," notes California Institute of Technology professor Willard van Ormand.  "You've got one show and two big stars, and if you don't create a second sitcom, there could be a gigantic gaseous explosion."