Do You Have a Toxic Person in Your Life?

I had a friend who was keeping closer after my break-up with a guy. When he complained I talked about him too much, I quit mentioning him. Yet my friend would bring him up every conversation. When I pointed this out to him, he replied that he knew I wanted to discuss him. Actually, I felt better when we talked about other things. Time passed and one day he left a long message about my poor choice for a voice mail message. Since it was the automated telephone company one, I realized that our friendship had become toxic for me. He was seeking to control me for some reason and trying to make me feel bad about myself.
I normally mourn losing a friend, especially someone I've been close to. The relief of getting out of this situation just made me happier.

no kidding - i don't let people invade my personal space - & if they do i build an army against them - lol - u have 2 make lemonade w/ lemons - i really do feel sorry 4 those that do wrong against others - it's on its way back

I've had several toxic people in my life; some, at the same time. I finally smartened up and got rid of them; quit being friends with them altogether. It was amazing how much better my life was without them in it.

this is, of course, where boundaries come in - u have 2 set them immediately when u notice someone seems 2 b lacking in this area. it always surprizes me when someone has no boundaries - it's kinda gross

Great reminder for all of us. Its so hard to get out of those relationships, but such a blessing once you do. It also helps both parties grow...

Good article!

Great article

Sometimes a mildly toxic person can be a positive thing as they can keep you as a positive enegy stimulated. Life is about choices. For everything positve there has to be something negative for balance. It doesn't have to portray itself in an explosive way but a little negativity can help force the positivity to keep generating and moving!

Oh, boy... have you ever hit on a sore subject. Unfortunately, the toxic person in my life is my husband. And, not to make excuses, we are senior citizens, both of us have health issues, but his existance depends on me. I am completely self-sufficient.

There are no alternate choices for me. I am a lung cancer survivor, while he has a number of health issues brought on through his own neglect of taking care of himself most of his life. He is very negative about life in general, which is contrary to the way he use to be. He is a talented person with a college education. However, due to having CFH and kidney problems, he has allowed himself to become almost helpless. He chooses to sit in a "scooter chair" in the house rather than use his walker. The only reason for his walker is that he began making excuses for not walking when he could. His legs have now grown so weak he barely can get out of the chair to use the walker to get to his car. Yes, he still drives.

He seems to spread gloom and doom everywhere. Any comment on something positive that has happened to friends or family evokes his favorite comment "It mjst be nice!"
When good fortune comes to someone, there is a response of some irresponsible thing that person had done in the past, and that the person doesn't deserve it, which comes across as sour grapes! And, he complains about absolutely everything. Nothing ever satisfies him. For someone who chooses to leave every aspect of his existance to everyone else, he certainly has no reason to complain. I believe that he is finally losing it and our doctor plans to do a cognitive test on him soon.

My husband is 78 this year. His best friend is 83 and is still active. In fact, this man holds the title of top tennis player in the Senior Citizen League. He travels all over the country playing in tournements, and even out of the country. He also has slight heart problems, but knows that keeping active is good for him.

I feel as though my husband is sitting aroud waiting to die. He is not anywhere near sick enough to die. Hie is not on dialysis, he has not had heart surgery (he has a pacemaker), he is basically lazy and has become a whinner. He has just this morning cancelled his physical thearpy sessions scheduled twice a week for six weeks. He attended two sessions and did not show up for any of the others. The therapy center called this morning to see why he didn't show up and he cancelled the next appointment which would have been his last. He told them he will start up again "soon". Yeah, right!

Thus, I have recently made the decision to simply attend to his basic needs, and go on with my own life. I have friends and belong to organizations that keep me busy and gives my life some meaning. Family gatherings and grandchildren are important and they all support me in doing what I need to do for myself. Since I cannot encourage him to make the necessary changes and put any effort in improving his situation, I feel he is better off sitting by himself, sleeping and/or watching T.V. which has become his way of life. I certainly do not want to deprive him of what makes him happy! If waiting for God is what he is doing, well... good luck with that!

He sounds like he is suffering from depression. You might want to ask his doctor about antidepressants. He also sounds like he needs something other than himself to focus on, like a hobby. At least if he had a hobby, he could sit and occupy his mind. One man who was like a grandfather to me would crochet...and he made all his grandchildren including me a blanket. Maybe your husband would like to make balsa planes for the grandchildren or something. Even puzzle books might be an idea.

I think it is great that you are not letting his sourness rain on your parade. You need to have friends and activities and get out of the house. You sound like you are one smart lady, as it is true that he is choosing this for himself...some would feel they failed him, but he is failing himself.

I hope the doctor can help. If he is depressed, mediation/counseling could make a big difference.

Actually, I was the one who became depressed. Our doctor put me on a medication to get me up and moving. I was feeling so guilty about not being able to motivate my husband that I stopped being able to function myself.

As you say, (and I said prior) it is his choice to vegetate. I cannot motivate him, nor can the doctors. Thus, it comes down to my sanity and well being. If something were to happen to me, what does he think will happen to him? This was my biggest fear. Now I realize that I cannot control his outcome, only he can... if he wants to.

Donna...your husband sounds very much like mine. I think its wonderful that you have made a decision to make the best out of your circumstance and live your life regardless. It is so easy to pulled down by a toxic person. There comes a time when you just have to realize that the person is that way because he is choosing to be and there isn't really much you can do about it. I will keep you in my prayers.

Excellent advice, Cheryl!

Toxic people don't have a place in my life and I prefer it that way!

I totally agree that we should not allow toxic people to invade our lives and disrupt our mental/physical existance. However, when it is a spouse of 33 years, one can hardly walk away. Marriage is for better or worse, and believe me, there were much better years up until the past few years. Yes, it is very irritating to me because most of his disability is self inflicted (mentally induced), which is an indication that he is probably in the first stages of Alzheimer's. We aren't talking about a horse with a broken leg that has to be put down. Senior citizens usually have to re-adjust their views and way of life from what they envisioned when they were young.

Donna...it definitely is harder when you have been married to someone for so long. I have been married for 30 years and there is so much to take into consideration. It isn't easy just to walk away from someone you share such a history with. I will admit that the thought has crossed my mind on more than one occasion. There are times when financial considerations are the only thing that has kept me from leaving.

I use to. They are, just right around the corner so to speak. With those toxic people come toxic memories. Some that will never go away.

Cheryl,
I truly enjoy all your writing both poetry and prose. Now you've hit on a subject to which most all people can relate. And most people up until these recent years, when the literature on toxic relationships has been made public, have dealt with the problem in their own ways.
It is a wonderful, spirit lifting fact, that sufferers can actually finally discover they are not the problem but instead, the victim of people who are indeed zealots in causing friction and misery for others.
Even the realization though, gives the victim, another problem in having to decide what to do about it. Remain the victim or rise up, gather strength and do something about getting out of the victim role.
Being strong in changing ones life for the better (having faced the toxic personality and challenging that person with what he is causing) can make for better lives for both the toxic one and for the person he/she is victimizing.
I was going to say sometimes, but I WILL say MANY times a toxic person is unaware of his sins. TELLING him/her of the hurt he/she has or IS causing opens his/her eyes.
The put upon person (subject of the toxicity) may be gifting another human being by just telling the truth about how much he/she is being hurt in this process.
Some people seem intrinsically evil but I think most humans (if they are being toxic) would want to be told about it.
I have found this latter fact to be true in the people I have dealt with.
It takes strength to say, "Hey you are hurting me! Stop it!" And it also takes strength to admit it when we are hurting somebody else when we didn't mean to.
We have probably all been toxic to others at some time in our lives and have been so without meaning to.
That's why open communication would serve us all in this life. Thanks for opening this subject up for discussion.
See Cheryl? You've opened up a door.

Thank you, Barbara...for your comment. It is so hard living with a toxic person. I have learned to tune him out to a certain extent, but then get accused of "not listening". I have told him that I need some space, and I have told him that I do not need to hear the negative thoughts that constantly pour out of him...but it just doesn't seem to help. He truly doesn't realize the impact he has on me...and he truly doesn't realize when he is doing it because he has been doing it for so long. Most of the articles and poems I write are written while he is in the room spewing his venom. Its so hard! Sometimes I wonder what I would write if I had a few moments of peace and quiet...

Great article. My heart goes out to all who live with a toxic person. Sometimes I think I might be a toxic person but hopefully less and less.

Kevin...I very much doubt you are a toxic person. Your positive spirit shines here on Gather...:)

Can't say that i do..

i have some toxic friends, but I know when I can be helpful, and when they are dragging me down. This is great advice

These are the questions.

underage driver’s world

Very good article Cheryl. Its hard to be around a toxic person. They can pull you down with their negative toxic ways and make you feel miserable. Life is to short to live that way. I like what Barbara said about open communication.

Myke

Their are some good books out their on "toxic" people that can really help. I find limiting my exposure helps. Why people do the things or say the things they do, often puzzles me, but when you find yourself saying after a phone call, why did I ever talk to them?, it's time to limit the calls. I try to tolerate and be loving and forgiving but when someone repeatedly hurts me, I try to either limit the call time, limit what I talk about, or space out the interaction as not to get over loaded.

I find most toxic people have no idea they are toxic and see others as weak or sensitive... it it is so easy to say someone else is too sensitive....but the flip side is maybe they are insensitive.

Nope, I get them out of my life ASAP.

There were a few toxic people in my life at one time. I purged them from my life and have never regretted saying goodbye to them.

Great post Cheryl! So true, life is too short for living that way.

Thank you for the comments, everyone..

Cheryl.
I'll make it a point to try to send a "positive" message of some kind to you each day and maybe receiving that positive message (which you may begin to expect) will negate one negative aspect of your toxic relationship until the communication between you and me (in addition to all the messages you receive from other Gather members) nutralizes the negative. It could be one way. Me helping you helping others. Each one reach one!

Here's the first messsage: Today look around and find someone who is not smiling and smile at them until they smile back! Then if possible exchange a hug. If not, then leave it at the smile and be thankful!!!!We're pushing negative thoughts away here!
Love Barb(ara)

Cheryl,
Really great piece, and good responses shared.
My husband and I have been conducting an experiment for about six years that's working pretty well for us. I'm the first to agree that the longevity of a relationship as a determining factor for staying together, is as real as rain. Realizing great shared and personal success lays the ground work for what might see a couple out the exit door.
But often, both find that there's still so much life to discover and that they do it best on their own. That they don't like who they are nor can find what they loved about the other guy when under the same roof for very long.
Perhaps if we were to relax a bit on what staying married requires. Long term couples could go off for a period of time, re-establish their individuality and find out later if there's anything left between them.
After the kids graduated and established their young adult lives, it's working well for my partner of twenty eight years and I to live apart and spend extended visits together of several weeks at a time.
We have less un-addressed tension and long spells of silent loathing (seed bed for toxicity), and enjoy each other far more when we are in each other's company.
Seems it's our responsibility to create lives we can enjoy. We aren't entitled to happiness per-say but we need to be accountable for the life we've been given. Giving room to each other when it's sorely wanted by both is a kind thing.

Thanks again for the opportunity.

I tried to get him out but he keeps hanging on. We do have alot of fun together most of the time. He is quite entertaining. But man he can wear me out.

I've had several of those people cross my path. I put them on my "Are Dead to Me" list and pretend they don't exist at all.