Update on my son
Ok ya’ll, I promise this boy was raised with sense, I just don’t know where it has gone off to. I have a question, do you think a child can turn out to be like a parent, just by visiting every other weekend up til the age of 14 then going live there?
I know it’s wrong to tell a young child, "You are just like your father", but in this instance, with my oldest son, that’s the truth. My oldest son, Andrew, had a little part time job, cutting grass, painting sheds, etc with someone who would come to my mom’s house to pick him up. Well, boy genius quit that job on Friday because it’s not what he wanted to do. Now he has nothing, yet he lives in my Mom’s apartment rent/utilities free.
To make matters worse he complains that he has nothing to eat, so every night Momma brings him a plate of food to eat. He comes out of the apartment last nite after supper with a quart of beer in one hand, a cigarette in the other ( the pt here is that he can afford beer and cigarettes, but not food or help pay the utilities).
Momma didn’t tell him anything. All night long there’s people who go in and out of the apartment which is located right outside of Momma’s bedroom window. They (the visitors and Andrew) are out there talking loud, causing commotions, and when they are leaving the visitors are blowing the horn. Now I ain’t saying the boy don’t need friends, everyone needs friends, but it’s becoming a problem that’s causing Momma and my step dad to loose sleep at night, yet my darling son sleeps til 1PM because he don’t have a job. Momma’s health is very poor and my step dad is 74, as far as I know his health is fine, but he needs to sleep at night to help my Momma during the day.
Oh yeah, did I mention he does have a two year old daughter who does need things such as food and diapers? You know the baby that he went off to make willing cuz "I knew what I was doing". Yet he hasn’t worked since Easter Sunday of this year.
I try to talk to my son about all of this, I get told to mind my own, he’s an adult now, so I just listen to what my Momma has to say, but I stay out of it, but then that’s not fair to Momma and my step dad who is left to deal with everything on thier own, this is my son, not thiers.
My original question about telling a child that they are just like their dad is because that’s where my son gets this attitude of "he don’t have to work, everyone will take care of me". I busted my butt during his whole pregnancy working doing several jobs at once, up til the day I delivered him because his father was too lazy to do it, yet always had money for his beer and cigarettes. Andrew’s father is 43 years old, out of his adult life, he has maybe worked about 1/4 of that time. The rest of the time his was busy making workman’s comps claims and getting away with such and searching for that perfect job. Boy who does that sound like?
My son is bound and determined to not to be like his father, to be a great provider for his child, to be a bread winner of his family, to make sure that his baby knows who her father is, but darn it, he’s doing the same thing to her, that was done to him. If I were to tell him he’s just like his father would that be cruel or a slap into realization? My grandbabies will never be without, I bust my butt to make sure of that, but why should I give while he sits at home when he’s more able bodied to work than I am? I always want my grandbabies to have the best, but it’s hard to give the best when I am working hard and busy buying diapers and groceries instead of spending time
with each of them.
I am at my wits end here, I sure could use some advice of someone who has been there, done that in this situation cuz I don’t know what to do with him anymore,
Thanks,
Stephanie
PS My 16 year old son is still very busy working his butt off to earn a savings accts and to learn as many trades as possible to ensure that he has work when he graduates. Yes, I did birth both of these boys, yes they were raised the same way.
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Comments: 25
I have already repaid the favor for your comments.
Your 16 year old is to be highly commended. He is going to go far in life.
Good luck!
My thoughts are with you and ONE thing I do is pray!!!!
I wish you all luck and will pray for you. You certainly don't need all this stress. Or you, grandma, and stepgrandpa will end up in a hospital and your son will have full reins of the houses.
Sorry I can't give further advice, I didn't have these problems with my kids. We didn't have the money when they were growing up and since they were 15 they have been working and paying their own way. They are in their 30's now and both own their own homes and have good jobs so I guess that experience was good for them.
You need to sit him down and lovingly, but fiurmly explain that you are going to make some changes, because his gramma and grampa need to be shown some respect from him...tell him he has X amount of time to get a job (set the date in STONE...no exceptions!) and start paying X amount each month (as well as contributing X amount of money to the food bill too...I am sure you can come up with a reasonable figure for the cost of food for a 23 yr old) to the grandparents, if he is expecting to stay under their roof...and I would also tell him that after 9 pm, none of his friends are alloowed to visit...he must leave and go visit them elsewhere if he wants to see them after 9 (all this is just laying down a few simple, but needed, rules)...then leave him alone after you tell him all this, do NOT beg him, Nag him, try to Coerce him, do not ask him IF/WHEN he has found a job...just let the day come that you set in stone for him...wait till THE DAY AFTER THAT DATE...if he has not done exactly (and I mean EXACTLY) as he was told, you should go into his room, pack up all his belongings, and place them out in the driveway. Tell him he does not live there anymore. He is old enough now, that you cannot keep blaming the father for his behavior, yes, he did teach him to be this way, but so did you...it is time to teach him (and those who will not listen, shall feel) now by DOING something about his behavior. He is a man. Face it. He is not a child any longer, he CAN and WILL be responsible, if you EXPECT it from him. No one has expected anything from him thus far. (Gramma takes him a plate of food when he whines, they don't make him do chores...I WOULD!...they don't do anything about his friends causing them to be up half the night, etc etc)
Sorry, sometimes, love has to be TOUGH.
I had a problem teen...but she turned out to be an outstanding adult, I think partially because I expected more from her than what she expected from herself.
My oldest, at 22 is far from perfect but he does have two part time jobs and is working over 40 hours per week, that is the condition for him to live in my house. No free rides here, he even has chores he is expected to take care of each week.
It's time for some tough love!!
I agree with the many previous commenters. He must be forced to change. Give him a time limit to find work. Tell him that a percentage of his earnings must be given for rent and food.
Tell him he must do his share of work at home, such as his own laundry. If he does not comply, kick him out even if you have to get help from the law.
Acting on this will be hard, but you must or he will never change. It is called tough love and is for the benefit of the person. Those who allow his conduct are called enablers. They allow him to mistreat them and mooch off them. They are actually harming him because they love him.
Some people have no trouble with that tough love but I guess I'm a sucker or something of that sort.