I Got Two Traffic Tickets Yesterday Morning! (the Ed/Jesse James Chronicles)

Damn the luck!

Well, let me go ahead and take that back. Much as I’d like to ascribe all this to luck or chance, the truth is that I did something yesterday morning I shouldn’t have done, I got caught whilst doing it, and now I’m about to enrich my home county by several hundred dollars. And maybe, just maybe, it will help my “about to be” poor, dumb ass to write about it.

I have to get up really early to go to work each day, and must utilize somewhat rural roads and/or highways in order to get to said work. I’ll be the first to admit that I like to drive a bit fast, nothing pleases me more than to pass some blue-haired old lady or mega nerdish guy with his head stuck up in the windshield. Frankly, I’d love to zap right by them while flipping them the middle digit thrust upwards whilst simultaneously hollering, “The accelerator pedal is on your car for a damn reason, you know!” Thus far I haven’t yet taken that particular tact, but I’ve damn sure thought about it, which is at least of some solace to me as I sit her scribing out my road inspired sins to y’all.

Now, let’s get down to the gist of our story and that which makes me amongst the most currently convicted here in Georgia. A tad before 6 am yesterday morning I was driving down a little stretch of road which leads out towards the main highway that I utilize to get to work. It’s not a very long stretch of road, maybe two hundred yards or so, and it happens to pass right by a convenience store. And that’s right where my personal tale of woe begins….

I was driving through that little piece of road, not even twenty yards away from the convenience store turn-off, when this guy pulls out right in front of me. He was driving an old white Ford Escort, and just slowly waltzed himself right in front of my truck. It was enough to make me lay down on the brakes a bit, and then recover just in time to experience the pleasure of driving a whopping 15 mph until we both got to the end of the road and our subsequent left turns.

As y’all might deduce, I was already madder than a stockbroker with diaper rash from all this, and when I got out on the highway it didn’t get any better. The guy who’d just taken such pains to pull his azz right out in front of me soon amped up his Escort to its full cruising speed of 40 mph. That’s right, 40 mph. He was driving so slowly that I thought I might have to prop up a stick next to his car to see if he was moving or not. As y’all might guess, I was cussing him for pretty much all I was worth, as I’m definitely a type-A driver, and after about five minutes of going slower than a constipated hippo I knew that I had to do something. So I did. I soon found myself on a stretch of road that headed downhill, over a bridge, and then upwards following another big hill. In fairness, the road itself was yellow double-striped, so I wasn’t supposed to pass anyone there. Practically, it was six am, I was going 40 mph behind a human turtle, so I gunned my engine and passed this slug in about five seconds. Felt pretty proud of myself for doing it, too, until I topped the hill and saw Mr. Smokey Bear sitting there, radar gun firmly in hand.

There’s really not much to say after this. The officer was polite and courteous, I was exactly the same, as I believe in being respectful to law officers. He handed me two citations, one for driving 74 in a 55 mph zone, and one for passing someone in a non-passing zone. I have no idea what the fines will be, both he and the Monroe County Probate Court Office informed me that it’d be seven to ten days before the tickets are posted and the fines are set. Seven to ten days worth of pondering my own stupidity and the unfairness of life. Both subjects well worthy of lots of ponderance, I suppose.

Well, I’m glad I got this article done before my impending convictions and perhaps prison time. Do y’all now wanna know what I’m really thinking? What I really want today from y’all, my dear readership? If y’all do, then please give me really extreme comments this week as I’m mega miked – if y’all wanna sympathize with me regarding this situation, sympathize with me like hell, really kiss my twin pink apples and then pat them! On the other hand, if y’all wanna tell me I’m a dumb ass, then God, tell me I’m dumber than a cow grazing outside a LongHorn’s Steakhouse! By God I can take it and I want it, the adrenaline is flowing today!

Gimme!