Fear is a river with no escape, tumbling out of control to the waiting sea. Fear splashes wider whenever you turn, and fear drowns. So David, floundering in uncertainty, knew he was drowning for sure.
“What should I do?” he asked the empty room, having tried every dream, every seeming of his imagination. “How do I tell her?” And no one replied.
Then her knock on his door was like the gentle pecking of a dove. David opened it, took her into his arms, and drowned instead in the scent of her shampoo.
“I love you.”
“I love you too.”
Written for Wednesday writing essentials:
includes a watery setting, the word "escape," and dialog
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Comments: 14
Thanks for posting to my group, Anythingwriting
Now, a couple of truly minor suggestions that I leave to your discretion -
First, I have too big a fondness for commas, so I know I tend to over use them, but you might want to add a couple around the word "instead" in that third to last paragraph for emphasize. (Obviously, might not, too. lol)
Second really depends on the exact definition of "drabble." I just learned the word recently, so don't know if the writing has to be exactly 100 words, or merely under 100 words, but I love how tightly you portrayed this, and think that's amazingly cool. (Sad that I cannot come up with a better word than "cool," and please enjoy that this comment isn't even making it as a drabble. lol)
Your first paragraph is a whirling, spinning, exact description of how love and fear mingle for an eternal moment, written with such precise words that the last sentence doesn't fit as tightly. (It is the most important sentence, though, given the entire piece, so it needs to be there.)
With that "knew he" and "for sure" don't seem to be needed in it. I think if you remove those words, it tightens even more, however, it isn't enough either, necessarily - maybe an adjective to describe the feeling more precisely? Or maybe rearrange the words or play with the words "floundering in uncertainty."
"So David, floundering in uncertainty, was drowning." See how this sentence is more precise, yet still seems like it could be added to, just to give that image of the river after a storm? If you disagree - no problem, this is your writing and it truly is sublime. If I've gotten you completely confused, let me know, and I'll try again. (Who knows? Maybe I can write shorter next time. lol)
Please do not think these suggestions are a put down. You've captured a universal snapshot of time that hits us all. A great gift. Your piece is already wonderful, truly. Just minor ideas.
;=D
Drabbles, as I understand them on Gather, are exactly 100 words. An excellent frame to work within, helps to sharpen ones writing. That said, I think there are two words, Sheila, that you can free up.
Remove the "and" in "And no one replied." Removing it makes the statement more powerful and aching.
Also, you might delete "gentle" when you describe the dove's pecking. To me, that's like telling the reader the snow is cold. Or that sugar is sweet. If you used another bird, you might want to include "gentle" such as a woodpecker or a hawk, but with a dove, the connotation is generally "gentle" so I think the word's extraneous.
If you use any of Lynn's suggestions, you might have enough room for an entire additional sentence. In that case, maybe give us an idea of what question the gentleman has that needs answering.
Thanks for submitting your satisfying piece to Gather Writing Essentials--Wednesday's prompt.