Two wives and one husband died around here this week. All three died at the hands of their spouses. Domestic violence has always been a far-too-common crime here in southern Appalachia, but this year I wouldn't be surprised if spouse-beating isn't the most common cause of death –– for both spouses.
On Monday, a husband shot his spouse. He thought he had worked out a big elaborate plan including an alibi. Fortunately, he's not as smart as he thinks he is, so it all fell apart the moment he started that no-tears crying. The second one wasn't much different, except the wife survived. Police don't think this one was planned and the couple's trailer showed evidence of a struggle. The wife said he was going to shoot her and then they battled for the gun.
The third one happened yesterday and I'm having trouble wrapping my head around this. The couple had been married for 20 years, since high school. Both came home from work and an argument soon started. Ill feelings continued brewing while they went through supper and putting their two young boys to bed. Once the kids were asleep, those feelings flowed into words and then action. The man said he had enough and he picked lifted her petite body up, looked her in the eye and strangled her to death. He put her body on the couch and sat in his favorite chair for a few hours. Finally, at about 1 a.m., he went down to the sheriff's department and turned himself in, asking police to call his sister-in-law to go get the boys.
Maybe I just hear more about these cases because I'm in a small town. Is domestic violence this common where you live? Last year, we didn't have but about four murders in my county and the surrounding counties. All four were killed by husbands and wives, boyfriends or girlfriends. Those are just the fatal cases. Our county has a facility for female domestic violence victims, but few people seem to take advantage of it.
I do have a co-worker that I suspected was a victim of domestic violence. She never admitted it, but she planned to move out on a Saturday while he was at work. I encouraged her to call the police in case he came home from work early. She refused. Luckily, her divorce went through without any incidents and she's just so much happy now. My cousin was also a victim of domestic violence and my family could not do anything to stop it, despite our constant pleandings and open doors. Her husband eventually killed a retired school teacher...God only knows why. He's still in prison and my cousin has since remarried to a man who treats her wonderfully. Perhaps it's God's way of making up for her first marriage.
Anna Quindland's novel, Black and Blue, is an excellent resource for those who would like an insider's view on domestic violence. The novel is fiction, but it was written after lots of research.
I'm just curious...is domestic violence as common across the country as it is here in the middle of nowhere?
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Comments: 35
I'm afraid domestic violence is all too common.
it is saddly true
It's more common than people think it is.
Yeah it's crazy! Kinda sad really :o(
THANKS FOR SHARING..
Yes, I think that domestic abuse is becoming more and more common, especially with the economy as bad as it is. So many people are losing their jobs, their homes, and are having very difficult times.........unfortunately, many get to the point of "losing it" and taking their frustrations/anger out on a spouse. It's really horrible and so terribly sad. It's happening all over the United States, not just in one area......even here in the Midwest, there's domestic abuse going on.
I think you're right Nora. Situations accelerate quickly. Situations that perhaps before would just end up in words, now end up in deaths.
It's such a tragedy. That's the thing I will not tolerate is a man who puts his hands on me in anger or in any violent way. I watched my mom be abused and she feared for her life as well as our lives with that man in our house. They did break up when the cops hauled him away.
Danielle, I'm sorry to learn that you experienced this growing up. I do think it has made you stronger and you're resolved that you won't tolerate it. Good for you!
Sadly it is everywhere.
I know it's been increasing in the military...
Bundy, you are so right. And I worry about the military families because usually they're far away from extended family and may feel like they have nowhere to turn.
I think that it is on the rise, like Nora said. What I don't understand is those spouses that suddenly snap and kill. (the ones that have no history of violence) I wish that I could say that I don't understand the domestic violence that builds over time to murder.
I don't understand why, when it gets to that level, you just don't walk away. I also think, particularly in this area, mental health services are frowned on. For men especially, it would be a weakness to see a counselor. And that's perhaps the only way a relationship could be changed.
You bring up a good point about counseling. Men still really frown on it and the older generations frown on it for both sexes.
Yep, it's pretty common
It's all to common everywhere. I wish I knew the answer.
D.V. knows no boundaries. Having run an abused women's shelter for over twenty years I don't think there is much I haven't seen except for the fact that more women are starting to wise up and get out, not all but some. More than when we first began but it is still a major problem. Women cannot permit themselves to be considered 'property' that can be done with as their abusers choose.
More DV is good for the shelters funding.
No, making up lies, etc., is not OK but you have to understand the women we aid don't need to lie, the evidence of their abuse and medical records is more than enough to win and there has not been one case lost yet.
Now consider this, if you went out and harmed another person (any person not just a woman) and they sued you for the assault, bodily injuries, time off work etc., would it not cost you dearly, your wages be garnished, etc.?
So is it OK for men get away with beating or committing any other form of abuse on a woman just because they are married or a child because they are his kids?
Have you ever touched a woman or child in anger yourself?
It's more common that people realize-abuse in general is too.
I think it is nationwide and it is just a terrible epidemic!!! Why not just LEAVE?????
Why not just file for divorce. I know it's a pain for the parties involved to separate this from that and I know the children will be stuck in the middle, but now these children are basically orphans as thier one parent is dead and the other is going to jail for the rest of thier life, so how is that outcome any easier on any one involved.
Thanks for the comments.
Domestic voilence is way more common than what most people think. The sad part is most victims suffer in silence and never say a word, not even to their families.
I bet if you took a poll her on Gather you find alot more domestic abuse survivors than you could imagine.
i think these economic times, unemployment and losing homes has made domestic violence escalate... just my humble opinion
The more frustration, the more you see it. It's all over. Drugs & drinking are a large problem that contributes to it also. It is so sad. Especially for the children to observe and grow up with it. And many women are so dependant on their husbands and are insecure, that they take it. It really is a very sad situation, and getting worse.
It seems to be happening more as well with depression from the recession hitting some. So sad to hear about this. We don't have much in our family but we have each other and I wouldn't change my husband for anything!
Domestic violence is really out of control, and it's sad.
I totally agree on this...
Good grief! Is there something in the water over there?
I would never kill my little hubby. Sometimes I would like to pinch him though.
I've seen plenty over the years.
I don't know that it is on the rise - but it is a lot more out in the open and more women are fighting back - within or on the outside of the system. You do what you have to do.
As far as divorce as someone suggested - forget it, those men will kill their wives for trying to leave.
I do blame our society to a degree, because if it is just the two of you behind closed doors who knows what really happens. The large families of yesteryear were healthier and the men and women had more - on the spot - support.
What good is it to call the police? You'll be dead by the time they get there or he'll play nice while they are there ...
It has been proven in many studies that woman can be just a violent as men. But if a woman is voilent she can get help fro he local advocate.
Many time woman want a divorce and men cannot handle the loss of there childen, home, cars and money. Since this is the standard in society. Then you have a breeding ground for violence.
Again, in other countrys, Where all people are treated with respect and there is no discrimination. There is a much lower domestic violence rating.
Rose H is wrong, woman have lots of support. Every county has a feminist organization a woman can run too.
Perhaps it is time to consider that men sit in the back of the bus and have seperate drinking fountians..