Too close

this was a very strong poem

Thank you.

Wake up you are having a nightmare.  Wake up.  Wake up.

Hee. Thanks, Lee.

very powerful ...and very dark & intimidating too

I particularly like the stanza with the wasp

I'm not sure I completely got across what I was picturing, but this was the best I could do.

So powerful I had trouble breathing while reading it.

Thanks, Lune.

My reaction was the same as Lune's. Breathless. This is powerful work, Barb.

Thank you, Sandy.

I really hate it when you feign understanding poetry... this is marvelous, and if I hadn't been so concerned for what you were writing about, I might give you specifics about why it's great, and that you have a poet's heart... which is nothing more than the desire to show what you feel.... but I won't:)  I'm concerned about the dark tone of this... was it a nightmare, or were you out with friends and someone tried to assault you?  TELL ME, WOMAN!!!  I'm on the edge of my seat here............

Mandy

Tell me, too!  I am also very concerned. What is this poem really about?

There is usually a little bit of reality in with the story in any piece of writing. Parts of it are things I've experienced, but other parts are not. Most of the emotions are from my childhood but set in an adult POV.

And Mandy, I'd really appreciate it if you would critque this like any other piece of poetry. I very much appreciate your reactions.

Whoa! Very, very dark. Hope this isn"t autobiographical in any way, shape or form. That said, I love it.

See my response to Mandy and Joyce :)  Some yes, some no.

 if this is fiction, then you did it very well, barbara...speaking from the viewpoint of one who is terrorized and verbally beaten/brainwashed. If not fiction, then you did it just as well, because we all know you might want to "crown" hubby once in awhile, but
he is not the one being written about, so it would be in the past, where she "got away"                             *hug*

No, this is not about hubby, although there are a few aspects of my interaction, but he's not like this. This is about a fictional woman. I hesitated to publish this under my name, knowing people would try to interpret it as a current event.

The drama I lived through is long in the past and was mostly experienced while I was a child.

I appreciate everyone's comments and reading. Tell me what worked and what didn't work :)  The parts that are from personal experience are far enough in the past that I am not going to freak out if someone questions it or has issues with the wording.

Barb, the best I can do with a poetry critique is to tell you what the work did for me. Honestly, I didn't breath once I got into it. My heart twisted, but I was also trying to imagine where this was coming from - so I need to come back later and try to read without doing that.

Thanks, Sandy. Knowing how it affected you is useful, of course. I just didn't want people refraining from offering suggestions because of the subject matter.

I agree with Sandy -- it was powerful, sucked me in from the start, and didn't let go again.

Thanks, Tracy :)

This sounds like someone having to submit so something she does not want and hates, by someone she feels the same way about.  In a way it is very sad, but in another it showed her strong in the end, that she broke free, very well written Barb

Thanks, Elsie

Oh my gosh, what an intense, intimidating poem.......as I read it, I had to stop and take deep breaths.........so much emotion.........so much darkness.......I really hope that this is fictional and not reality.

Thanks, Nora.

Alright, Barb.  You asked for it, you got it!:)  First of all, the whole 'too close' phrase sets the tone, because most of us have gotten those physical cues (wasp stings, for one... which was a great analogy) when someone is close to you, but they haven't touched you physically... but you 'feel their hands on your throat' just  the same, sometimes moreso.  Okay, so you say that there's a little bit of reality from your childhood mixed up with an adult's POV, I think it works very well.... mainly because the most scared any of us have been would have been as children... by the same token, an adult's analysis of the feelings invoked by the 'angry presence' just paints the scenario of fear more clearly.

I'm not sure what happened, but the desperation you profess, but quickly admonish is the will for your breath to leave your body, then the simple submission that your body, like everyone else, ignores you... this is a very important spotlight into the subject's life... ignored, nobody really notices what you're doing... and the 'perpretator of your personal space and emotions seems to know this about your life, and takes advantage by dismissing you as if you've had too much to drink.  This takes the reader from thinking a stranger might have been your enemy, but now it sounds like someone 'closer'?  Either way, this whole piece grabbed me from beginning to end.  This is why I left my previous comment about how you dismiss yourself as if you hate poetry, but it is more than apparent that you have a gift for it.  You may or may not like having that gift, but you have it nonetheless!:)  That was all I was trying to say.

I hope my critique helped?  At least, helped you understand why I liked it so much?  I don't usually pay attention to format, or style, unless it just makes reading a piece so hard, I can't get into it.... I had no problem with yours.  And good poetry is best when it is a little bit of you(or more, or all, if you wish) that needs to come out.

I truly enjoyed it,
Mandy

Thanks so much, Mandy! It helps a lot to see it from someone else's eyes.

I like poetry, but I'm really picky about the ones I like.

As for writing it myself, well, the people I've shown my poetry to in the past (pre-Gather) weren't very encouraging. And other people's poetry, stuff that gets tons and tons and positive comments, I often find unintelligible. I hate poetry that leaves me feeling too stupid to get the point. :)  Makes me wonder why all those other people thought it was so good.

That's my relationship with poetry. Driven to write it but not sure if it's any good at all.

You've hit on the difference between good and bad poetry... what is it that drives a poet to write?  If you do the driving, it might not be that good.... if it drives you and rides you until you've worked it out of your skull, then it's most assuredly going to be good!   I hate poetry that makes me feel stupid too.... or when I don't like a poem all that much(didn't think it was too special), I'll read someone's really intellectual comment making a connection to something I would have only known if I had a master's degree in Literature. lol  But then I can always go look it up, and if it still doesn't interest me after that, then oh well.  I always find there's plenty of other people who disagree with me, and just sing praises about it. lol

But I like the way you write.  There's an honesty to it that hits the right chord in me.  But what the hell do I know? lol

Again, thank you :)  I suppose that's all any poet could want -- to hit a chord with someone.

I don't read much poetry. It is usually sad and I am easily depressed.

So here is my evaluation: it begins strong, and I can 'see' it happening. The ending is not as powerful once she begins to notice others not noticing and then when he is pretending.

Perhaps I misread it and that is not what you were saying. But that was my impression.

Thanks for the comments, Shirley. I know what you mean about poetry often being depressing. Thing is, when I write happy stuff, people I've asked (who I thought knew poetry) told me it was awful. LOL! So maybe I only write depressing stuff half decently.

I see what you mean, though. It gets less "inside her head" at the end.

I'm glad my comment made sense.

One of my all time favorite poems is also one of the saddest things I have ever read. It's called "Little Boy Blue." Another one I had to remember from school days was "The Highwayman."

Both begin well and end strongly. Are you familiar with either? My writing professors said my writing would improve by reading the good works of others. Thankfully, I love to read.

I went and read them. I had read them at some point, but hadn't really remembered. Yes, those are both sad poems.

i can so relate...i feel you....been there...friends laughing behind your back happened to me when i left an abuser. i felt every word of this poem. you wanna leave but can't, you wanna scream but can't...plus, the anger inside...that's the hardest to feel out of any abusive relationship or from a friend. after taking it so long, the anger builds up inside and you become a person you never knew you'd become...deep, haunting yet true. well done barb! no complaints here

Thanks for the comments.

you break away, yet, the hatred lingers. hatred will eat you alive. i hated my abusers for so long...since i've been writing, i'm free of that hatred. although, i've learned not to allow it again.

I'm glad it rang true for you. (and that you've found an outlet for the hatred ... it just eats you alive)

Your descriptions and transferred feelings are wonderfully captured in this poem. The bee's egg that grows within is such a choice way of explaining the emotional turmoil. I love this poem. Very well done.

Thanks Bunny. I appreciate the kind words.