I've been feeling frustrated and depressed about my writing. I took a story I'd written for a Saturday WE prompt (where several people really liked it) to my real-life writing group and they panned it. Not only did they pan it, but they couldn't find anything at all redeeming in the story. Nothing. Basically they told me to burn it.
Okay. So I know there were issues with it. I'd really hoped there was something of redeeming value, but apparently not. The logical, adult thing to do would be to rewrite it, send it out and have someone want it at least for a online magazine. However, other frustrations in my life sort of sucked the creativity and heart out of me so I put it on the back burner.
I've been very frustrated with my home life. Most of it is my own darned fault but that doesn't make it any less frustrating. I'm ready to have an empty nest. The nest just isn't emptying.
We bought my BIL's house about 5 years ago with the idea of fixing it up and letting my daughter and her fiance live in it. Initially, everything was great, then hubby got mad because fiance wasn't working hard enough. So he quit working on it. I asked the children and they said they didn't know what to do and that hubby was mean and yelled at them. Hubby made a list of things for them to do that not even I knew how to do. Kids didn't work on it. Hubby got mad and yelled at me. Kids got frustrated and complained to me. Hubby got mad and yelled some more ... at me. You get the picture.
Got hubby working on the house again and asked my brother to powder coat the bathtub feet. He said okay. Then when I brought them over, he said "Softball seasons started. I can't do it until it's over." So no tub feet until the fall? Hubby got mad and yelled at me.
Fiance breaks up with daughter (he got another girl pregnant). Daughter freaks out and is now trying to pay all the bills for new house by herself. Missing meals in the meantime (which isn't necessary since she's living at home, could make her lunch but refuses to do so). I feel guilty anyway.
Daughter starts working on house a little but doesn't know what to do. Hubby yells at me because daughter isn't working on house. You get the idea.
I run a ferret shelter. I'm losing confidence in myself. I adopted out to a girl that I probably should not have adopted to. I expect her to disappear (with the ferret) any day now. God knows what will happen when she runs out of the food I forced her to buy for the ferret. She wanted to take it with no food. I visited her and the ferret is doing well (although it had dirty ears and long nails, which I took care of). Then girl says she's moving but she doesn't know where yet. I expect her to disappear, like I said, and then I can stay up at night worrying about the ferret.
Every time someone calls to tell me their ferret died or is sick, I feel it like a punch in the gut. I can't do what I do if I keep reacting like that. Today someone called wanting to adopt because her house had been broken into and all her possessions were smashed, and they killed her ferret. Another punch in the gut.
People keep making appointments and not showing up or calling. I can't tell you how many evenings I've spent tied to the house because someone was due to come and didn't show up. I usually have appointments every evening. I don't go shopping -- for food or clothes -- more than once every 3 months or so. Hubby does some food shopping but he gets mad because I don't.
I've been writing stories here on Gather. I have a few readers, and have gotten some good feedback. It's been a wonderful place to hide from my reality. Then a person I was going to collaborate with got mad and pulled out of the project. Okay, that was upsetting and frustrating, but I dealt. So I kept writing. Then another person wanted to collaborate, so we started making plans for that. Then she got mad and pulled out. Not mad at me so much as mad at other people around me.
So now I'm doubting my ability to write, doubting my ability as a shelter mom, feeling like a wretched wife, mother, housewife ... ARG! I know a lot of my issue is that I'm so bogged down in details that I haven't allowed enough creative outlet but at this point I'm feeling like something between a pariah and Typhoid Mary.
Other minor irritations include having my side mirror on the car smashed ... again. The dog cracked off my tomato plant at the base. God knows what she'll do to the rest of the stuff. I only have a few plants because I planted late and couldn't afford to buy the things at $5 a pop. I can't sleep a whole night due to *some* kind of ache or pain waking me up. I just got done with a big project at work -- something that should have taken 5 days and I pushed hard to get it done in the 2 days my boss allowed -- and my hands hurt. Hubby seems to be going through some kind of phase where he won't let me finish a sentence. He ignores me, interrupts, babbles on about everything under the sun. The house is hopelessly cluttered and dirty beyond my ability to organize. Just a lot of little things that feel like they're piling up on top of my head.
And then I walked into the room where hubby was putting in flooring (for me in my sewing room) and he's using my good scissors and rotary cutter to cut cardboard and carpet. When I saw him whack the rotary cutter on the edge of the heater vent I lost it and just came to write this post and cry.
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Comments: 56
Does your real life writing group always trash your stuff, and all stuff? Maybe they are just all bitter grapes.
I think collaborating would drive me nuts. Writing is best when you go it alone, and the words are all yours (I think).
Thanks, Peter. I don't recall them trashing everything from everyone. It seems they trash my stuff a lot but that's hard to be objective about. I'm beginning to think I'm not cut out for collaborating. It did work well with Donna and her Dixie story. I guess I was just feeling too sorry for myself to remember that. :)
I think PJS is correct. Don't know what they are looking for if they don't think your writing is good stuff. Booooo to them. You are a great writer, keep writing.
how did you get to be responsible for everyone and everything? Sounds like hubby, especially, needs a reminder that HE can be a big boy and take responsibility for his own stuff and quit yelling at you.
Also sounds like it's time to set some limits on which evenings the shelter is open for appointments - set aside one or two evenings a week for YOU and double or triple book appointments on the other nights ... if that many people are doing the no show thing, it would make sense to me.
And your writers' group is making me shake my head... how is THAT supportive? Isn't the point of a writers' group to support each other? If they can't be constructive, there doesn't seem to be much point in participating.
Flit, I'm really not sure how I got responsible for everything. I think I did it to myself. There's just nothing worse than finding yourself stuck in a hole you dug all by yourself. :\
I think you're right about the shelter thing. I've tried double and triple booking, but then they all freaking show up! Have you ever tried to answer questions from 6 people all talking at the same time? By the time I'm done, my eyes are bulging and my brain has shut off.
I don't know about the writers group. I probably should have taken someone else as my "I'm back after being gone for over a year" piece. Next meeting is this Sunday. Not sure I can stomach it. I know the story didn't have a lot of conclusion, but it was supposed to be short. I'm thinking some of the issue is that this group doesn't like short or flash fiction. You can't explain everything if it's really short. They said it had been done before. A floating eye in space had been done before? Sigh.
of course that would be the way of it...but too bad for them... you're entitled to have a life, you know!
Far better for the ferrets if you take better care of yourself ... if you don't put yourself first, no one else is going to .... and you'll burn out and not be able to keep doing the valuable work you do.
Awwwwwww, Barb...big sigh, you are frustrated! It sounds like you have wayyyyyyyy too many things going on at one time.
I would try to do little things at a time. Set an appt for folks, tell them how long you will wait, and if they don't get there.... cancel their appt.... some people will keep on taking advantage of your sweetness and good intentions
Sigh... Your daughter is grown, living in your home? If she doesn't want to eat lunch, she will be ok.... I know how hard it is to allow your kids to fall a little, but sometimes you have too... You can't feel guilty over her not taking a lunch, that you would probably make for her...that is a bit spoiled, no? I am not saying she is spoiled, kids just aint what they used to be!!!!!! I am sorry about her fiance', what an a$$!!!!!
Poor baby.... you have too much going on!!!! I have no idea what to say about your Ferret Shelter......you love each one, like a child. But, somehow, if you could back up a little....I don't know.....geeze
Tell hubby, he HAS to chill out too......Barb, maybe you two need to get away for at least a weekend......Possible? Any way, shape, or form? He sounds very frustrated too....
First, you just need to have a good cry... Go ahead, let it out!!!!!!!!
I wish there was something, ANYTHING that I could do.... I could mail you some tomatoes, cucumbers, green peppers, and hopefully some carrots?
I surely don't know how to help you.... sending BIG, BIG, BIG HUGS!!!!!!
I personally, and I know I don't count, but I think you write like a REAL writer:)
Thanks, Barb. Normally I can deal with it all. Normally I'm half decent at chaos, running 5 things at the same time, etc. Lately, I feel like ... I don't know ... like my reality is slipping. Like I'm suddenly not entirely sure the ground really is solid under my feet. Like it's all going to go crashing around my head at any time now. I guess it doesn't help that the economy tanked, turned my $40 thousand inheritance into $20 thousand (that was supposed to grow enough to be my retirement home), the ferret club has tanked financially, the shelter is scraping, the credit card companies are busy gouging the eyes out of everyone including my club and shelter, and I feel like I woke up and no one likes me anymore.
Hubby works night shift, I work days. He usually works overtime on Saturdays. There are some things that need to be worked out that I'm just not up to dealing with right now.
As for the veggies, the idea was that I could grow my own, you know? It was stupid of me not to put up a gate. I know the dog walks in the flower beds, looking into the other yard. Why I thought she'd stay away from my veggies, I have no idea. :\
Thanks for listening to my whiney rant. :)
I know, sweetie... sometimes, we just have one of those moments:) I did the same thing the first time I planted my garden and I have two dogs.. they tore everything up!!!! We learn........
I also, sooooo understand about your money.. that is a hard hit, I took one too and reckon I will just have to work for the rest of my life.. big sigh!!!!
I think an awful lot of people like you and love you:)
Try to keep on keeping on lady.....make some small changes, and take back YOUR life......You are the only one that truly knows what YOU really want:)
You are not whiney, you have to get that stuff out... I would have probably killed someone by now!!!!
It's better to get it out, true. My problem is that my version of depression turns inward and the only one I am inclined to want to kill is myself. :\ But we have good drugs for that now. Now I just whine and cry a lot.
Flit has a great idea!!!! I think that would work out really well
Peter has a point too
Heh. Yes, they do. :)
Ohh Barb I want to sit and cry with you! Many of my issues are different, but I know how you are feeling.
Maybe we can make some lemonade. Your hubby is putting in a floor for you! How sweet, even if he's using the good stuff. Might as well get used, right? As for whacking the heater vent...well, coming here to cry might have been the right thing to do! Jason would NEVER do something so sweet for me. You are FINISHED with the project, so that's behind you now, which is a good thing. Hubby's phase is just a phase...he will get over it eventually. You have readers, so start sending your stuff to some professionals. If they reject it keep going. I've heard that some super-mega popular writers had to send and re-send their work before it got noticed. Send your daugther off to some Home Depot Women Workshops. They are free and will teacher her something. Your daughter isn't getting married to a jerk who sleeps with other women! Maybe you can have set appointment times (that can be tweaked if someone really needs to see you outside of those times) so that you know when you will be free.
You aren't allowed to de-sugar the lemonade! It's already in there!
It's all easier said than done- I know that more than the average person! But I've heard that saying things makes it more likely that it will happen (within reason). The power of positive thinking and all. It sort of worked for my mom. She had a piece of paper with $50,000 written on it. She looked at it every day and imagined it. One day $50 in cash arrived in her mailbox. A few weeks later someone gave her a $50 check for her birthday. Just when she thought she was in trouble that money came. It wasn't $50,000 but it was something! Keep thinking positive and hopefully some positive things will happen in your life too.
Thanks, Alex. I appreciate your trying to help focus me on the positive. You're right, of course. Like I said above, I feel like I've lost faith in myself and even in reality. I'm sure it's a phase.
I like the idea of the daughter going to classes. I doubt she'd agree. LOL! The only way it would happen would be if we went together. The thought of trying to add something else to my schedule makes my stomach hurt. Maybe I'll think about it later.
Yes, set appointment times might be useful. Thing is, if I say "between 6:30 and 7:30" people show up at 7:30 and don't leave until 9:30 and I don't get dinner. Again. [I think that's another aspect of this meltdown. I'm not taking care of myself.] I'm so frustrated with people I'm ready to just quit. I've been trying to come up with something that would ensure people would show up ... like a $25 fee to come with it applied to the adoption (or refunded) if you actually show up. But then no one would come at all. I've been considering writing something about how it messes up my life when people don't come, but I suspect half the world will think I'm whining [God forbid I whine about anything] and the other half just think I'm a b%#$h.
That's pretty funny about the $50 showing up rather than the $50,000. So I wonder what would have happened if she'd written down $900 instead. :)
Barb N., Flit and Peter have the voice of reason today, dear Barb. if you can't or don't want to do a week-end with hubby, then lock hubby and daugther up in the same room and take a week-end for YOU! I personally love your inventive, descriptive writing
and will Always be your fan in writing And in your big hearted ferret work......:)
Thanks, Penni. Yes, Peter and Flit are the voice of reason. This brain is flooded with emotion right now and is too busy having a temper tantrum to want to be reasonable. :) I'll get over it. I'd bore the world if I wrote every time I melted down.
Thanks for the vote of confidence on the writing. I just don't know who or what to believe at this point.
I'm sorry, Barb. Have you ever read Anne Lamott's terrific book about writing, Bird by Bird? She has a chapter on writing groups that mentions people "trashing" stuff that would be good for you to hear right now: her advice is basically to get that person/those people out of your life, because when you do that kind of thing, you enjoy it. (I've never trashed someone's writing without specifically gearing up to it and enjoying it, and it's only ever been people that have seriously ticked me off otherwise, so I know where she's coming from is a true place.)
I know what you mean about the ferrets, too. I used to work for a vet, and every sick animal that didn't make it, even ones I'd never seen before, was like being kicked hard. And this was even before you took the owners into consideration, and they were usually heartbroken too.
Thanks, Kris. It sounds like a book I should read. I'm not sure I understand what you said ... who enjoys it? The person trashing? I don't know. There were 5 other people there and they all hated it. There had to be something wrong with it! I know one or two of the people tend to not like my stuff, no matter what I write, but not usually ALL of them!
Thanks, too, for the sympathy about the ferrets. I deal with a lot of heartbreak, and I think it's possible that some of my burn out is due to having to deal with people and their emotions. If I only dealt with ferrets, I think it would be easier.
Sorry, I should have explained better. Lamott says when someone trashes your work they are actually getting a huge rush from doing this, which is not what you need. There's a big difference between "I just don't like this" (which John and I give each other all the time), which is plain honesty, and "This sucks, you really screwed up, you're no good," which is something else entirely.
It's the best book on writing I've ever read. It's entertaining and instructive; usually I don't like those books very much, but Lamott and Stephen King both got it right. Their books actually help me write sometimes when I reread parts of them.
Thanks for explaining. I figured that's what you meant, but in my brain-dulled state, I wasn't entirely certain. My nose is all stuffy now and I think my brain is congested. Heh. At least it feels that way.
Sounds like you had it with the bunch of them, and it also sounds like you need a reprieve from life in general. Speaking as one who is having a hard time in reality herself...good luck with that!...lol
For the record...I am not the collaborator Barb is referring to.
Sorry to make it sound like I was having issues with you, Donna. It just goes to show you how the brain doesn't work right when you're upset ... I got all focused on what wasn't working and totally forgot what did work! :\ Sorry. :( Collaborating with you was great.
I'm just feeling like my reality is turning transparent or into jello or something. I'm having trouble believing in the solidity of the ground right now. I used to joke that the reason why so many philosophers had that wild look about them is because they knew that if enough people stopped believing that the ground is solid, that their next step could be into an abyss. That's kinda how I'm feeling. Like I'm not trusting any of my perceptions or reactions.
I hope your reality gets easier, too. I know that I cause pretty much all my own issues. It's easy to see in retrospect, but while you're living it, it's clear as mud. Too much crap in my house ... no one else brought it in, I did that. Place is disorganized. Me! Things are dirty and I'm too overwhelmed to start cleaning. Been there, did that -- or DIDN'T do it, to be more exact. Laundry piling up and I'm typing out a pity party. Sigh.
Oh yeah, and I have to have a root canal. No, really! I'm not making it up! Just shoot me now.
i have to keep my sewing sissors hidden so only i know where they are cause one of the boys will use it for paper or something silly like cutting wire.
i'm sorry your having a frustrated time of things. too much stress will translate into lack of sleep and aches.
having just lost a cat, i feel for you on the ferret front.
as far as the writing muse goes, sometimes they take a vacation. perhaps taking the time to write your frustration from a character's POV would help get some of it out of your system?
Honestly, I have seriously considered a locked tool box, but then hubby needs something -- for a project FOR ME -- and how can I say no? Or he gets offended at the locked box. It's frustrating.
Thanks, too, for reminding about the translation of frustration into aches and pains. I know that, but I think when you're in the middle of it, you just can't remember anything. Or know how to change it or fix it. I think I just have to whine and cry and stomp my foot for a while. Then I'll feel better.
Sorry about the cat. Peole who don't have pets don't understand the degree of grief you feel. With ferrets, they're always trying to kill themselves, and if they succeed you get this added layer of guilt on top that just makes things worse. This woman had done her grieving, I think, but it was new and fresh and horrifying to me.
My muse seems to feel like a truck ran over her. :) Good suggestion though. Maybe it's time to run Launa through the wringer again. Ha ha ha! (My readers say, "What? Did you have a bad day? Did you have to take it out on Launa?" Giggle)
i think rita tried to drown herself in her water bowl a few times towards the end.
Oh my. That's so sad and yet somehow darkly funny.
she was a really smart cat, so she really might have been trying to euthanize herself. she gave up the ghost right after i said i was taking her to the vet. it's like she knew that i didn't have the money for that and didn't want to prolong things anymore.
I know those sort of days so very well - when all the little things seem to be pressing in and adding up to a weight that feels almost unbearable. The only solution I know is to just get away from it, even for a short while, to clear the head. Nothing is better when you return but a fresh perspective does help make things feel a little more manageable.
Thanks, Tonia. I appreciate your comments. I did get away for a bit and sucked up dust and started reorganizing my sewing room. I had lunch with hubby and no long feel like murdering someone. As always, once the freaking out is gone, I begin to wonder where my mind was. :\
*hugs*
You're clever, and witty, and funny as %$#@.
Sometimes, the people around us are working through their "stuff" and we're just along for the ride. Hubby's yelling, the potential collaborator that pulled out, a group that wants to destroy rather than be constructive - don't take things like that in, that's not your "stuff".
I hope you can find some ways to take care of you and make some of the rest of this more bearable.
Thanks, Lune. I'm actually feeling better. I knew that getting a few good pep talks would help, along with some food. I'm off today and cleaning out my sewing room (mostly because I'm not up for being around people). I have to go to the vet's office later, but I'm hoping I can go early and have some evening left.
That's extremely good advice (and I should print it out and put it in reverse on my forehead). Thank you, too, for saying I'm funny. I very much need to feel good at something and sometimes I can't seem to manage being good at anything. (See? Those absolutes will kill you every time.) I know it's other people's stuff, but I just haven't figured out how NOT to take it all in. I see or hear it, I feel it. Might not be so bad if I was any good at poetry, but either I've been having the wrong people read my stuff or I just suck. Like drawing. I have pictures in my head that are beautiful and they come out like line drawings. Ack.
(Some more cheesecake can't hurt...)
Heh. Oh yes it can. I've been trying to lose weight. I've been trying really hard not to think about that cheesecake.
Okay, I'm going back into the sewing room. I should have taken photos of the mess.
It's time for you to call the ferret godmother!
Do what donna does. If you ain't gettin' paid, at least get laid! right?
So the ferret godmother is supposed to ... um ... lay me? LOL! And who is the ferret godmother? Maybe if it was the ferret godfather I'd be more enthused.
No, silly woman!!! The ferret godmother will supply your ride! Usually disguised as a frog you have to kiss. You know the story, right? Or maybe that was Shrek, I don't know.
cheer up. kiss your husband and tell him to stfu. heheh.
Not a whiney rant. Maybe a rant, but a justified one. Your life IS craptacular -- it's not your imagination! Wooohoooo!
I think... I think you gotta get out of the shelter business. It's sucking so much out of you and taking so much time that you can't spend on the other things you need to do. But then I sit here in ferret-less comfort, many states away, so WTH do I know?
Take the advice of the others before me: lock up the family, and run away for a while.
Hee. Thanks, Tracy. I appreciate your advice and concern. Sometimes all I have to do is rant and cry for a while and I feel better. We'll see.
I know what you mean about the solidity of the ground. I'm currently doing great--at least three inches from the abyss, which is much farther than usual. It doesn't, however, qualify me to dispense advice, so I'll just say I'm hearing you, and I hope things will improve soon,
Thanks, Aniko, and I hear ya! I'm feeling better. I knew that accomplishing something would help. Now if I can get back to writing ...
Sounds like you need a vacation. Put the ferrets in the back of a truck and you and the ferrets just go somewhere all by yourself.
That wouldn't be much of a vacation with 27 ferrets! LOL!