Milestone (Wednesday Writing Essentials) revised

very well done

10 4 u

Thank you Jeanette

Wow - what a tragic statement this piece is.  :(

Thank you for reading Little Red

wow, it is tragic, but a great many people would be well served to believe the world is not their oyster; i am talking about the multitude of entitled folks in this here part of the country.

Featured in the Triple Name Club

Kathryn, Thanks so much for your comment and the feature. - Much appreciation.

This has bite ... and how often, too true.

Thank you so much for your comment Magi. Too true indeed.

My pleasure, indeed, Atticus.

A wise work full of clarity and, for me, personal truth. Thanks for sharing with The Poet's Circle.

Thanks Jason, I'm glad you felt a resonance here. I appreciate the comment. 

Milestone?  Breakdown?

John, in this poem a "milestone" need not be (overtly) positive. -  if that helps any. 

I'm just a little dense this evening, I guess, Atticus.

This staccato-voiced piece gives the reader a sense of shock.  The narrator is shocked by the unfolding of Life's events and this is well-depicted in your poem, Atticus.  

Possible tweaks:  If you're going to use punctuation such as a period, then I appreciate also using capital letters at the beginning of sentences.  Play further with the line breaks.  Because they are so syncopated, it's difficult to determine if they are "correct".  But some of them--and I can't say which ones--feel "wrong" to me.  Or at least not as optimal as others.

Thank you for posting to Gather Writing Essentials.  

Hey Susan, thanks for the comment. I found punctuation to fall utterly short of what I had hoped to do with this poem. You are right, I tried to use half punctuation and half spacing to get the effect that I wanted in the reading of this poem. Some of the words like "there" and "you are" are pivotal between two ideas. This adds to the "hazy" use of sentence structure. I wanted "soft" periods for this poem, and gooey commas. I will play with it some more. Your criticism is extremely helpful to me in looking at this piece. Thanks.

Got to go with Susan on this one. (Not to be confused with thinking the same things Susan did.) This is, once again, quite shocking. I've only read two of your poems, but you are very good at forcing the reader to stop and think.

Of course, had I not read what Susan said, I would be stuck with just one word, "Dang!"

Any hints as to how to raise my spirits again, after this, would be greatly appreciated. Your poems affect my soul.

Lynn, You give me one of the most magnificent compliments I have ever received.  It is the encouragement and discerning critiques of kind readers and talented writers such as yourself that keeps me growing. I am grateful. 

Good one, Atticus!

Thanks Cheryl.

shivery~automaton dreams gone to dust~existing with no filling~

Your comments are exquisite Purrrrrrrrrrr, Thank you. 

It took me a few days to find words to attach to my response to this one. There is a very large part of me that went "You tell 'em, Atticus!" Then I realized how easy it is to vault that milestone, as an individual. So it struck home.

I found the short & broken lines very effective to the whole as well, for the tone they project. They're a slap across the face, multiple warning shots across the bow.

I really do feel you're one of the best here, Atticus. Thank you for continuing to write.

Corinna, thank you so much. You are so generous to my little poems. 

It isn't generosity, or flattery, or intended for the comment-fluffing that sometimes happen here on Gather. I genuinely believe it. This, and so much of your other work, is more than just a little poem. :)

Thank you kindly Corinna.

I think the short, stark lines work well here.  The poem breaks down just as the speaker's sense of self does; it seems always in danger of grinding to a halt, half-uttered, or losing its coherence entirely.   I love the implicit rejection of platitudes-- you can always go home again, the world is your oyster, that which does not kill you makes you stronger.  Only sometimes it doesn't, and when it doesn't, you become a sign of what you thought you were, a symbol without substance.  Losing yourself in the idea that you'll make it better in some fantasized future.

I always enjoy your poems,  Atticus, and I think you've done good work with a lot of the line breaks.  For example, the single word "lie" reads backwards to mean, "When you think you are strong, you tell an untruth to yourself," and forwards to mean, "When you think you are strong, you're prostrate beneath failure."

And I always enjoy your stunningly accurate analyses, James. Thank you so much for your ever thoughtful reading and explications.  -  I often follow your remarks on other author's work here on Gather because you invariably pry open some hidden intent for me. Thank you.

This reminds me of the adulterers assigned to the outer circle of Purgatory, where they unanchored and tossed in an endless wind.

Thanks Ann, In a sense this poem does decribe a kind of "self imposed" purgatory. I appreciate your comment. I like that "tossed in an endless wind. Your comment gives me food for thought. I'll have to go back and read Dante now.

So beautiful!

Thanks Comments
Myspace Comments
so much for posting to my group, Anythingwriting

Thanks Angela.

Atticus,

I've read this sensitive piece several times. It's very well written.

Like others, I felt it's a reflection on that time in one's life that most reach. When all of the bright lights on the horizon have lost their glimmer and a sallowness settles in. When pouring drinks for a new audience may offer momentary spark but the speaker knows it's only a momentary fix. Our worlds shrink...break down... perhaps viewed as failure. Perhaps actual failure.

Which is very much not the case here. Nicely done.

Adrian, Thank you so much for your thoughtful and discerning comment.

Dear Atticus, this is perhaps one of the most rueful, true pieces I've ever read! In response to Susan B., I don't have a problem with the punctuation, and I think capitalizing each line would be a bit much, and override the gentleness, the feeling of smallness, that lowercase gives you -- and that you need for this poem. I didn't have a problem at all with the way the lines scanned. I love the double-entendre of the word "lie"; excellent deliberate obfuscation there. The line about fetching drinks for new friends is really wonderful, and again, I get this feeling of servitude in one's smallness and diminishment: there you are, serving drinks ingratiatingly to new friends. 

It's interesting to me that your shorter-form poems pack as huge a wallop as your longer-form ones. With each one, a personality is traced, retraced, and defined. Most excellent, my friend!

Andrea, Thanks so much. Your reading of this poem matches my intent perfectly. I tried to describe that place where even the next breath is hard to take, and no matter where you are you feel you are in the wrong place. I'm glad you picked up on the servitude of the last line. Also, thanks for your comments on the form this poem takes. I wanted a stuttered, deliberately painful choppiness.

This works. The sharpness, the over all tone. Nicely done, Atticus.

Oh wow! Works perfectly. Words perfectly formed and short and powerful.

life shatters at times...looking down at the pieces, I have questioned "Who was that enity that used to live inside?" Shall I try to pick up the pieces, glue them together for past observers..or shall I work on creating a new one and tell them to get their own drink. I liked the fraility of the poem...like life