"Do not let that happen again " . . . the hitter to the one hit as well as the victim to the abuser. "You just pushed me into the wall" because i was late coming home from work" . . . "hey B&$*H I told you not to drink my stash !" and it stung when the slap put her in the hospital with a broken cheek. These are real scenarios of incidents that occur daily across the globe. Domestic violence is not isolated to one culture, one region or one time . . .
Today's show is about abuse in relationships of teens using the bad press revolving around Rihanna and Chris Brown. Oprah makes a statement at the very few minutes of the show, that dating violence statistics rose: "1 out of every 3 persons (women) are attacked physically, emotionally, psychologically, even spiritually. Last year it was stastically proven as 1 in 4 were abused."
"Shocking", she exclaims because it is so prominent in our societal culture today. She emphasizes, "love does not hurt", but sometimes separation even a break up and most certainly infidelity, does NOT feel good. But it is not supposed to end up in the hospital with a broken rib, jaw, extremity, etc.
Both Tyra Banks and Oprah discuss leaving the situation, coming up in an abusive family both dysfunctional verbally as well as violent, physically, and significant ways to gain your strength back to not return to the abuse, but avoid it. It is very obvious that no matter what kind of up-bringing a young girl has, "the regular girl is just as easily pulled into abuse as a hollywood starlet, no matter the status", too many teens suffer at the hand of violent abuse. If in the teenage years ignoring any abuse is not resolved, the cycle matures into regret in adult life.
I ignored the signs which in my first abusive relationship, were not subtle in the least, but I thought he would change. That is the first mistake. I was raised to love myself but it was difficult when I met up with someone who was clearly jealous of me becoming independent and educated. A threat to some men, I suppose. But it took too long and almost too late, to leave this person because even though not subtle, controlling was what my daddy never did, so I thought it was 'normal'.
Not until I read my first psychology book on healthy relationships by Leo Buscaglia, did I find enough strength in myself to like if not love what I have become and leave this guy who clearly did not deserve nor appreciate nor respect me. I found the statement, "Once a hitter always a hitter UNLESS they are strong enough to break the cycle !", started to make sense especially if one in the relationship is not comfortable with themself. If that is all the abuser knows when dealing with conflict of interest, the action is repeated over and over.
When the word 'enabling' came out I remember how often my family has unconsciously enforced that particular behavior and then later seemed shock that what resulted from having whatever we wanted or getting whatever we needed, unfortunately raised spoiled disrespectful brats. In my studies I always read respect is one of the virtues that is not genuinely given, it is to be earned throughout ones human existence.
Therefore when demanded by any family member just because I am the offspring or neice or grandchild etc, they are the parent, uncle, grandparent, cousin etc--I don't dole it out 'just because'. That ruffles feathers and can seriously cause psychological abuse to ensue but I start it or even ask for it, if I do not deliver what another feels they deserve. You cannot make someone feel respected if they already lack self-respect, so if demanded, I do a 'personality check'.
"LOVE DOES NOT HURT" means actions should not cause suffering and words should not cause psychological distress. If both people regarding 'respect' can open a window to understanding each stance on it, the demand if not met won't be such a brutal awakening. There won't be a need to bring in physical harm because verbal choices will be diplomatic not degrading, destructive to the esteem, nor deliberate.
I cannot say that all men who hit once, hit again because I am not with those people to have stuck around to find out; but I do strongly believe if you can work on it, men and women, can break the cycle from being abusers or being the continued 'abused'. Start by liking yourself a little more everyday and forget about that stupid word called 'narcissism' because we want you to love yourself, FOR REAL !
Just don't ignore the signs and if its past the communication point, seek some help, please ! If communication, understanding separate family members position both cognitively and emotionally, then help is already foind its way in. I am not easy to get along with and have alot of work ahead of me to gain the respect I so have difficulty dishing out. A work in progress, that I am.
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Comments: 17
Love doesn't hurt. Trouble is most people who put up with disrespect and abusive behavior call that love.
sad
Too many people feel it's normal! So sad.
very sad
Good article and insight.
Erica
I hope you don't mind but here is some information that just may help someone find help to get out of a situation.Â
http://www.ndvh.org/
National Domestic Violence hotline website
1-800-799-7233
Hotline Number
It has advice out how to leave a relationship, what to do if you are at risk for abuse, what to do if you need help and where to get it.
Domestic Violence not only affects the one being abused, but those who witness the abuse. It takes the average victim 7 times to finally leave and not return.
If you are in this situation please remember you do have a choice.
Â
This was an excellent post about an important issue. I was abused while I was pregnant and my guilt and hormones kept me there far too long. I left him and filed for divroce when Lily was 3 weeks old. If I hadn't left I have no doubt both of us would be dead.
Kimber: women are most frequently abused when pregnant and right after giving birth. I am so glad you had the strength to leave.
Thank you. I am glad I did too - I have a much better life now and am part of a healthy relationship and have a great family. He has gone on to be in and out of jail for drugs and for beating up the people who came after me. He has been married 2 or 3 more times too - how sad. IT has definitely reinforced to me that I was right in thinking he would never change. In my opinion if your baby doesn't make you grow up NOTHING will. I gave him a chance, I told him if he hurt me even once after she was born I would leave forever and not look back. WELL he hurt me I left!! The rest is history :)
Thanks for posting about this important topic, you never know who you can help with it.
I was just watching the show, and it reminded me of how courageous I was when I was just 21 and hit for the first and only time from someone I ignored would do this . . . but I do appreciate everyone who has answered. I am so glad Oprah aired it, it is important.
Erica: Whether people comment or not, it seems people are reading this and hopefully you have inspired others to move forward and do what they need to do to be safe and secure in their lives.
You wrote a very important article, about something that happens in all walks of life and to both sexes. Thank you!
We too often forget that this happens throughout life, across cultural lines, to others (parent, child, and significant), and is too often kept in the shadows. Thanks for another reminder.
I just want to emphasize that emotional and psychological is just as devastating and even though the signs are harder to read, be aware that a blow to the esteem, spiritual core, inner sanctum is just as painful as the 'slap in the face'. Also, unfortunately many more men are coming forward with their abuse stories so this problem is not isolated to one culture, one gender, or one incident . . .
My mother was in an abusive marriage to my father. They finally got a divorce. But my brother and I were mentally and emotionally abused by our father during their marriage. I was lucky I married a guy that let's me be me and hasn't tried to hit me. I told him when we were dating that if he hit me he better make sure that I am dead, cause I would make sure that no one would find his body when I got my hands on him. And to this day he hasn't hit me. But my brother is still a "pre-teenager" in his relationships with women. Think "a love-sick child" (he's 55 years old). He looks at the current women with "puppy-love" looks. It's so sickening, stupid. He has had thoughts of suicide (twice). When I found out that he was going to kill himself, I called the mental health clinic in his area and they got him help. He was in a "mental ward" a couple of times this past year. But he's still a "child". I told him he "needs to get to know himself first before he can enter another relationship" but he's divorcing his wife now and he met a girl in the "ward" and she's now living with him. I told him "this is not good" but does he listen to me....... No. Even the mental doctor said this is not a good time. My brother says "I don't want to know myself and I don't want to be alone". I said, "Your gonna keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again until you get to know yourself. Got to find out what makes you do the things you do". Dam - no one listens to me........ Bummer.
I thought I "broke" the cycle of abuse, but my daughter married a guy that physically, emotionally, mentally and verbally abused her. She was able to get out of the situation, but I had to pressure her into doing what was right for her and the kids. So in one sense I abused her too, but she finally "woke-up". She said "Thank you mom for making me do what was right." I'm so glad she said that. I tend to be a bit of an "over-bearing witch" when it comes to my family...... LOL