I know this is less than delicate, but have y'all ever come across someone who's just so ugly that you think to yourself, "Damn, that man/woman is just down to the bone ugly!" I guess we all have at one point or the other, and we should also admit that we typically grade in our minds just how ugly the person actually is. Once we have categorized them as to degree of appearance impairment, then we can go on about our business, another section of life neatly organized and resolved in our minds.
That's all well and good, but it does point out an important societal need - the need to have an easily understandable system to grade out truly ugly folks so that a mildly ugly type like Mick Jagger doesn't get lumped together with someone like say, the Elephant Man. Everything is a matter of degree, and this holds true even in matters regarding those less than pleasing to the eyeballs.
Y'all will be pleased to know that such a system has actually been successfully employed for years, and that it was invented way back in the 1930s. Y'all might also be surprised to learn that its creator was my granddad, Ed Sr. He created, in his infinite wisdom and compassion, what is now known as "The Haint Classification System."
As he explained it to me years ago, "haint" is a contraction for, "He/she is ugly as hell and it ain't ever gonna get any better!" Then he went on to explain that there are three levels or classifications of haints. So now, for the betterment of society and humankind in general, here's are the classifications and the corresponding definitions of "The Haint Classification System":
"1 Bag Haint" (slang equivalent - A "One Bagger"):
A "1 Bag Haint" is someone that really shouldn't get out in public much during daylight hours. Examples of well known "1 Bag Haints" include people like Kelly Osbourne, Lyle Lovett, or Clint Howard. They might not drive you to drink, but at the very least you'd be scoping out the location of the closest available liquor store if you ever had to spend a lot of time around one of them.
"2 Bag Haint" (slang equivalent - A "Two Bagger"):
A "2 Bag Haint" is someone who's so ugly that they can fill occupations like "human scarecrow," "horror movie stunt double," or "cadaver look-alike." Examples of well known "2 Bag Haints" would include folks like Rosie O'Donnell, Flavor Flav, and Prince Charles. Even if you were broke and single and they possessed lots of money it'd be easier to learn to love baloney or potted meat as opposed to having to spend the right of your life looking at them first thing in the morning.
"3 Bag Haint" (slang equivalent - "You poor, ugly bastard")
A "3 Bag Haint" is someone who's like the Elvis of Ugly. In popular culture a "3 Bag Haint" would be someone like Jason Voorhees, the Frankenstein Monster, or Freddy Krueger. Don't kid yourselves, though, there are real life "3 Bag Haints" out there, examples abound and include folks like Eleanor Roosevelt, Amy Carter, and Don Imus. These people might as well throw on some flip flops and Hawaiian flowery shirts and just not worry about it. They do have some things going for them - what hairstyles they wear don't matter, they'll never have to consider a career in Hollywood as an option, and if someone dates them they don't have to worry about someone else stealing them away. Other than that, though, there's not much upside for them, and that's me being kind about it.
So there y'all have it - "The Haint Classification" system all neatly laid out and explained. And don't get on to me about it or say I'm crazy because my money says that just about all of y'all out there were categorizing ugly people y'all know as one, two, or three baggers as you were reading this. Let's face it, we all evaluate ugly folks just like we do air biscuits when we happen to sniff out one, there's no reason to act like we don't.
Now, y'all all go off and have a great Fourth of July weekend, and may the only haints y'all run into be those that you find on your TV screens......
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Comments: 60
I can't stop laughing as usual Ed. You are so funny. Have a nice one too.
Timi, you are just a sweetie, thank you!
E3
OH MY~ *attempts to hurdle past giggles and snorts and repop into some sort of maturity*
You know~Eddie that everyone is beautiful to someone~ =)
*ok back to giggles and snorts*
YOU're SO BAD!!!! LOL
SWAT!!!!
Selene, you mean, there's a "Mrs. Godzilla?"
Double smoochies, where do you think I learned it from?
E3
Thank you for posting to gutterGirls~
SWAT!!!!
*SMOOOCH!*
E3
*you're supposed to spank me back* sheesh
Darlin', my hand is nice and rigid, now assume the position.....
E3
*grabs ankles and looks between stilleto heels~grinning*
=O oh~sumb****~it's not flagged~ um Ed . . . .
LOL, and you get on to me for being bad?
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ouch... =P
Hmmmm, I have no clever repartee for that, Jayrene, I'll just give you a smoochie anyway......
E3
lol funny article as always I was suprised you had Ealanor Roosevelt there though
Golds, you gotta admit, Eleanor wasn't exactly going to be asked to compete in the Miss America pageant.....
E3
As the saying goes: "Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly is to the bone." Inside every beautiful person is an ugly person trying to get out.
The great thing about being a "3 bagger" is that you can't look worse. Can Karl Rove or Rush Limbaugh get any worse by gaining/losing weight? Would plastic surgery help or hurt either one of them?
Ada, don't forget that Ruth Bader Ginsburg either, we gotta give both 3 bag libs and conservatives their due.....
E3
That was hilarious!!!
Kimber, thank you darlin'!
E3
Alternating between giggling, and thinking you did deserve that spanking :-) If someone can look past appearences, they may be surprised at the beauty a person posseses
Ellen, you're right, but looking past some true haintness can really be tough sometimes......
Smoochies darlin',
E3
aww... a big hug back at ya :-)
I am a 3bag haint yep.. I have been told I'm so ugly I have to sneak up on a mud fence.
Oh c'mon Nancy, if you say you are that automatically makes you suspect, you're undoubtedly a major babe!
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As a cat I'm beautiful. In my dreams I'm gourgeous. What my husband see I have no idea, but I'll let him keep seeing it. I can joke.. ..but I am kinda homely LOL.
OH and I can't spell worth a damn either!!
Nancy, I'm sure you're a very attractive lady, and hell, I'm not headed to Hollywood anytime soon myself.
Double smoochies,
E3
Pease lay off Amy Carter. I know. I know she is.
Sadly, I admit that, when my new housekeeper arrived, I showed her around quickly and went to the bedroom and sat on the bed and thought, "What am I going to do, I cannot look at her?" She was the most unfortunate-looking person I had ever seen, and all her teeth were gold. I immediately determined that I would keep he a couple of weeks and then tell her I could no longer afford a housekeeper. As I got to know her over several weeks, I saw that she was a pleasant and good person. Then something in her life happened and she simply disappeared. Her phone had been disconnected. Relief for me.
Leo, I know what you mean, no one likes to say it but ugly folks can cause lots of stress, especially in the eyeball area......
E3
Are you kidding? Mick Jagger ugly? He is sooooo sexy!
Basia, you're touching on an age-old question, can ugly folks truly be sexy?
Smoochies,
E3
Ed, I guess ugly is in the eye of the beholder. I've never found Jagger to be ugly at all. But to answer your question, I remember I had a friend in high school, and my mom commented that he was so ugly he was cute (I just thought he was cute). Maybe I'm a little out of sync with the rest of the world... people... send me your uglies!
OMG! you are too funny! I admit I do look at some and wonder WHY?
Kimberly, I know, you figure there's a reason but you're damned if you can figure out what it is!
Smoochies,
E3
so true! Lol.
smoochies back at ya!
Too funny! (And presently featured in the Thursday Writing Essential, even though it's way off topic....it was just so funny!!)
Kimberly, you are just too sweet, and the purest anti-haint ever, such a pretty, classy lady!
E3
Too funny. That's gonna be a new word in my house now-LOL
Debbie, you're sweet, and you have to admit "haint" is much better than "ugly bastard," "pimple head," or worse.....
E3
Christina, you're steak.....
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ROFLMAO! Ed, when I got to the 3 Bagger, a wonderful woman from my church came to mind... one just can't help these things! I am of the belief that every person is a true expression of God, but those expressions come in many different presentations.... it sure is nice to have a standard way of organizing them. Hat's off to yer Granddad!
Heidi darlin', 3 Baggers have their place, long as its at night, in the dark, and away from eyeballic consumption.....
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Ohhhhhhhhhhh funny!
I gotta read more of your stuff!
Jackie, I love having you here, hell, your avatar is great, my eyeballs smile everytime I see it!
Smoochies,
E3
Ah keep tellin' ya'll ta stop peepin in muh winda. Dag nabbit, dere bubba, ya done went n tole muh secrets. Now, how'd you lik it ifn I went n tole everbody bout our kiss n tell stuff?
Think it would draw?
Smoochies,
E3
Yer a bad egg, cousin Brown. Hahahahaha!
As a Martian, I find all humans ugly in their soft and squishy moistness. Martians are beautiful with their deeply-lined and prunish magnificence, while humans are so water-bloated they look like dead fish. Humans are so moist I am surprised that a bag would not become soggy and fall off.
Grok, I keep looking around on myself looking for a "bag," I just hope it's not what I think you're referring to!
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The bag is in reference to your one bag, two bag, three bag classification system regarding the ugliness of certain humans. Are these bags not made of paper? Does paper not get soggy and fall apart with sufficient moisture? I was not referring to any naturally occuring structure on your body. We do monitor your broadcasts so we are familiar with what you call "scatalogical humor".
Grok, you're a hundred percent right, how dopish of me. Yet another example of superior Martian intelligence, I'll admit it right out loud here in front of everyone.
E3
Acknowledging deficiency is the first step to growth. [Gorgon 1:1:1]
I gave you a 10 as always...but you've said it all, darlin, there's nothing I can add here that wouldn't be overkill.
Bethie, wait 'til you see tomorrow's effort....
Double smoochies,
E3
I'm always a latecomer to the good ones; this time is no exception. I hadn't heard the term "haint" since I was a child in North Carolina; it's great for labelling these exceptionally ugly types that nobody knows what to call them otherwise.
Maurice, I greatly appreciate that, I'm glad to see I wasn't the only "haint" appreciator out there!
You're the best,
E3
Never seen anyone like that. Although when I worked in the hospital in Tulsa we had a couple that we called Morticia and Lurch there!
By the way thanks for the new terms!
As often, this made me smile. Thanks for sharing! :)
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Abe Lincoln liked to tell this story on himself. I was on a stagecoach and at the next stop a man got into the coach. He kept looking at me, and that afternoon, when we arrived at his stop, as he was getting off the coach, he handed me a knife. He said, "This is yours." I said, "No, I have never seen it before." He said, "None the less, this is yours. It was given to me last year by a man that said I was the ugliest man he had ever seen. He said I was to keep it until I saw someone uglier than I am. This is your knife."