Oyster Soup - For Wednesday Writing Essentials/Revised Again!

I like it.  You did good.

Thanks, Lee, give it a try? :) You always do good, except when you take aspirin!

Hugs,
Marilyn

I'm still grinning with the ending.  Marilyn, I'm going to challenge you even more.  I think these sorts of poems are so delightful to read and very much enhanced by a regular meter.  The second line is full of spunk and rhythm and made me think you were going in that direction.

Now I'm not a rhythm dynamo, but maybe see what you can do, if you have the time and inclination.  

Good idiom, too.  :-)

Wow, are we all insomniacs tonight? :) I was going in that direction and got side-tracked somewhere's along the line. I'm not even sure where. OK, will revise, and go for the rhythm (at 2:30 am), shoot, I may as well get 'very' little sleep - full day, tomorrow, errr, today!

Revised, might need another one, as it's late and I'm loopy ;)

Marilyn

I concur.  I rarely write poetry when it's too late at night.

Has a light humor touch and I love the imagery.

Thanks, William, and I tried, Susan, but will take a look if I'm even on here later today, will be gone as usual most of today, must catch a couple hours sleep.

That was a whole lot of fun to read!  I now know at least one ingredient NOT to put in Oyster Soup!!!!

I like it. It was cute and made me smile.

This is great Marilyn. Really cute.

How do you know the cayenne pepper wasn't added just because? lol (Why do I want to scratch all over? lol) I love this for so many reasons: I can't cook much but love a fine recipe, too many family secret recipes kept from family even, and, hey, I'm allergic to oysters AND clams. lol

I also like it for it's folksy style (and you know me, so absolutely know that's no hidden jab. I AM folksy, so feel clever only when I'm not doing it. lol) Knowing where you live, (and, again, being allergic to both oysters and clams) I'm a bit confused though. Are people in your area of the country allowed  to call anything with fish in it "soup?" Chowder, bisque, stew - sure, but "soup?" lol

Now, "critically" speaking (or whatever the adjective form of "critique" is supposed to be), I'm going out on a limb for you here. You're the poet. I, on very good days, only dare to try my hand at it, but I do so very much appreciate a fun e.e. cummings and Ogden Nash, or Robert Frost and Emily Dickenson. With that, take these ideas as if I'm merely a reader thinking - not to heart.

There is definitely a noticable beat, more so even in the revision. AND, I'm really very much interested in Wednesday's Writing Essentials because Susan knows poetry, and can help me stop doing the same sing-songy stuff that feels like a neon sign over me that reads, "NOT A POET!" With that, I'm keen on beat, now, (OK, probably called "meter" lol), and like your flare for it. But, since we're trying to get this to full folksy rhythm, like that "and it took her all darn day" line, I see a couple of lines still not quite there, even improved.

Personally, I don't think it's you, I think it's the sneaky word "recipe." Looks like a two-syllable word, but it's a three-syllable in disguise! The lines it is in are short, if not shorter than other lines, but it takes longer to read them - assuming read out loud. The problem is, of course, that's a very important word that you just can't dump. I think you're stuck trying to dump other words in those lines. I have one idea for one line, but can't even figure out how to adjust the other. Let me know, if you want my one idea, but I'm sure, assuming a fresh start, rest AND sleep, you can do it.

The other lines that I think need one less syllable (are you getting the irony of how many syllables I'm writing considering I'm only talking mere syllables? lol) are "turned her upside down, tried shaking it out," and "Then she danced a jig round the kitchen." BUT, and this is a very big "but" that will surely drive you crazy, do NOT eliminate any of the folksy images when removing the syllables!!! Better to have uneven beat with the down-home flare, than to ruin the down-home flare for rhythm's sake. To do so would be like Robert Frost taking away his first line in "The Road Not Taken." It just kills the overall affect of the poem, and it is the story, not the rhythm, ultimately, that is enchanting!

It's been a long day for me here so I'll return later.  I'm chuffed that you plowed ahead with the revisions.  Also, I think Lynn has some excellent insight above.

Thanks for posting.

Lynn,

I'd love to hear your suggestions, and anyone elses', for that matter, and since I'm allergic (in real life), to not only cayenne, but anything-shellfishy at all, (guess how I found all of "that" out? lol), and since it's been one-of-those-days again, and Thursdays always are..., Lynn, you know why, but I'd love any critique to make this folksy (folksier?), that I can get!

You're right, being that I don't make fish/shellfish/ soup, stew or whatever it's called, it's probably not called soup? I make chicken soup, but couldn't figure out how to fit an oyster in it!

Lynn,

You've got some great ideas - help? LOL

Thanks for stopping, everyone!

Nah, Dad made oyster soup, so it really exists - just didn't think it was legal to use such a word where you live. lol

Like I said, I haven't figured out how to cut down the single syllables in all cases, but here's what I did figure out:

"Secrets kept, recipe hers alone," = "Secrets kept, hers alone," (recipe is implied?!)

"Then she danced a jig round the kitchen." = "Then she danced a jig round the room." Not as good an image as the kitchen though.

See what I mean about changing the words and messing with the images? Don't feel obliged to take both, or even either. It's your poem, and the images are more important than the beat (um, meter.) Decide by what feels right for you.

THANKS FOR SHARING

You are really the poet we live for. A neighborhood poet who can silently watch our trivial life and phrase them into immortality. This poetry has a touch of easy humor and wonderful conversation like fluency. I shall treasure the moment of reading this.

The oyster days

Thanks,

Lynn and here I was all set to change soup to stew! LOL Good thing I didn't revise again, huh? I like your changes. Will do some fooling around more with this one -- it's not legal to use 'oyster soup' here? Yankee land, ya mean? :) Hold on, you're not from *that* far away from me ;)

Kushal, my friend,

That's probably the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

Marilyn

I'm Midlantic. You're New England. A slight difference. Not quite as Yankee, but if you ask a Southerner, I'm sure we're still plenty Yankee. lol

Thanks for stopping by,  Mary, Larry and Kay :)

Revised yet again, and I hope or wish someone will volunteer to dance and someone else will volunteer to play a folk guitar for this. LOL

Folk guitar? Shoot! I was hearing a fiddle. lol

"Stove!" Doh! Didn't think of that one! Good choice!

I love the new revise completely! Looks like you got the beat (Meter, meter! Why can't I remember meter?) throughout now, without detracting. I think you got it!

You think? I really don't want to revise again! :) Would have, but would have had to start all over again, Bleh!

Sure, I'm ok with fiddle too.