I couldn’t work out where I stood.
“They ought to put a brake on it,” they said, “force 'im to eat.” But it almost sounded noble. He wasn’t that much older than me, thin as a classroom ruler, dying for a cause.
I tried to imagine starving myself to death, and thought of women who’d fought such wars to let me vote one day. Then I thought of a Catholic young man, handsome enough when fed, called Bobby Sands.
I didn’t know where I stood. And in the end Bobby Sands didn’t stand up at all because he was dead.
© Sheila Deeth, June 2009
I don't like rules, and I struggle with complicated forms. But counting to a hundred's not so hard, especially when the computer does it for me. So I've stuck to my strange and meaningless rule of writing drabbles, and tried to follow Wednesday Writing Essentials extra requirements... a ruler, a reference to justice, the name of a high profile criminal (he was certainly in jail), and the word break or brake.
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Comments: 29
This is a hard hitting story.
Just from a literary standpoint, I love the balance between your first and last sentence. The first sentence was like a self fulfilling prophecy.
This one sent goosebumps along my arms! The brevity of the work makes the story doubly compelling, Sheila. The way you used the prompts was excellent.
I found six words that I think you could omit and by doing so, give yourself room to explain the "it" that is noble in the first line. I didn't understand to who or what that referred.
Okay, here are the words: in the 1st line, where you attribute the quote with "they said", I don't think you need to say it. It's self-explanatory, imo. and at the very end where you say, "because he was dead." Omitting it is more chilling, I think.
I'm not a qualified literary critic, but I disagree with your last sentence, Susan. I personally like the jolt of the very end.
Not only was "because he was dead" jolting, we have to remember, younger folks might not remember him. I think keeping it might get some to look up, who he was. Of course, I'm not even an unqualified critic. :)
Perhaps something like "never stood again". I think it would still have the impact. I really, really like the way it ends, though. Chilling indeed.
a chilling story
This is super writing friend!
And, I too agree with Susan that leaving out they said would make it more gripping and frightening.
Thanks for posting to my group, Anythingwriting
Now I'm going to have to do some research...find out who Bobby Sands is...
Ohhhhh...now I see and now I understandafter reading this : Bobby Sands
Sheila,
I love the way this is written, and for such a cause. Though he was a prisoner, he gave his life for a good cause and you wrote it well.
Marilyn
This was good. I admire you. I have a hard time with word counts and staying within the limits
Thank you, Human, Katherine, for the link. At the end of the article are links to tributes to Bobby Sands. I'd nominate Sheila's piece for another link on their page. There's something about this, Sheila, that won't leave me alone.
I've featured it on Gather Writing Essentials.
A powerful short write
Oh, dear!
This is the quality and attention-getting writing I've come to expect from you, Sheila. Excellent use of the prompts and rules.
Wow!
Sheila, this is a great observational short story. Incredibly compelling. Excellent weaving of the prompts into your story. I had to look up Bobby Sands but now that I have I remember that particular chapter in the Troubles. Great work, chilling.
There is only one thing I would change about it - the disclaimer. I read it and was extremely impressed. Then, I read the disclaimer and thought, "Oh, it wasn't that good?" Took me a full minute to decide the disclaimer was wrong, not the piece. It's hard to tell when we hit something good. Let others decide for us. (And, I say that as someone who doesn't hit images like so many others have done here.)
As for Bobby. Can't believe how long ago that was. I even agree with you about never knowing what I thought about it. It still shocks me that someone would do that to themselves for a cause. Says something powerful about what he thought of his cause.
Sheila, I posted a link to your drabble on my facebook page.
I remember about Bobby Sands. Very compelling. Chilling also. Good story, Sheila.
I admire someone who is that dedicated to a cause. I don't think I could do that but I do respect him for having done it.
A great and thought provoking drabble. I would leave it wrtten just as it is.
great writing
wow! powerful!
You sure know how to make a person think. I had actually forgotten Bobby Sands, thanks for the reminder. People still die for their beliefs.
This piece brings back memories I'd completely forgotten. I was one of those people who just didn't know what to think. I couldn't do what he did.
I like this piece a lot (what's a "drabble"?) and I find it very powerful. I like the ending (although agree somewhat with Susan that you could restate in fewer words without losing the impact, although not necessarily exactly what Susan suggested).
Very powerful.
Thanks Barb. A drabble's meant to be a story told in precisely 100 words - at least, that's the definition I'm using.
Oh, okay. Thanks :)
Came back to read this again.