Murder for Dummies- Installment Fourteen- FAQ

FAQ

Which states have the death penalty?

          This varies from time to time and state to state. Here are some good rules of thumb. Red states have it. Blue states don't. Western States have it. Eastern states don't. Southern states have it. Northern states don't. And, if you are rich and white, no states have it. And, a practice tip here, STAY OUT OF FLORIDA AND TEXAS. Next to football, execution is their favorite sport.

Can you get DNA from vomit?

          Yes-one more good reason not to use a knife.

Is OK to confess to your priest?

          Although there is a law in every state called the "priest penitent privilege", this is a clear violation of Cardinal Rule 3. Even if it isn't admissible in court, the information is handy for even the most slow-witted detective. If your priest rats you out, the spot light signs brightly and exclusively on you. If you can't trust a priest with your children, what makes you think you can trust him with your darkest secret?

What about your shrink?

          See the answer above. The doctor-patient privilege is limited and if your psychiatrist believes you are a future threat, he is obligated to warn possible future victims.

My lawyer?

          See answers above. And, believe us, the last thing your lawyer wants to know is that you are guilty. It limits his defense strategy to the truth-the bane of all criminal defense lawyers everywhere. 

Should I frame a fall guy?

          The short answer is "no". This violates the KISS rule. It adds a whole layer of complication to your plan. Also, you will have another person and his lawyer and investigators uncovering clues that my lead to your conviction. Framing a patsy is just on the Tee Vee, BUT, it will get you a twofer if revenge is your motive. Tread cautiously. The frame-up is not for first timers.

 If I got away with murder once, should I follow the same game plan the next time?

          The answer is an emphatic "NO"! A man can only lose his wife in a tragic skeet shooting accident once in a lifetime. Cops do not believe in coincidence or bad luck. Do it again and you run the real risk of going down for both murders. The general rule of thumb is one murder per lifetime. Don't waste it.

Do identical twins have the same DNA and fingerprints?

          Yes on the DNA. Identical twins are from the same nucleus of the same egg. Both their nuclear and mitochondrial DNA are the same. Fraternal twins, however, are conceived from separate eggs and may even have separate fathers so their nuclear DNA is different. Because they have the same mother, their mitochondrial DNA is the same.  

          No on the fingerprints. They are very similar but not identical. Contrary to myth, largely perpetuated by law enforcement, fingerprint identification is not an exact science and depends on the skill and judgment of the fingerprint expert. A sloppy fingerprint tech could mistake them for the same but they are not.  

Couldn't I learn all of this by watching the thousands of CSI spin offs and knock offs on the TV?

          Of course but remember, we are dedicated professionals with years of experience. We can tell fact from fiction. For example:

FACT- There are no real life CSIs that used to be strippers with blonde hair and big boobs that show up at crime scenes in low cut tank tops. We researched this extensively.

FACT- you can't get a DNA or fingerprint match by pushing a button on a computer which brings up the identification in a matter of seconds and displays the perp's name, address, phone number, recent picture, current location and sexual preference on a 60 inch plasma screen.

FACT- nowhere, except possibly Beverly Hills, do CSIs drive Hummers.

Isn't the very fact that I am reading this book a clue that could get me convicted?

          Of course, you nimrod. Even if you stole this manual from the back seat of your maid's Uncle Carlos' pickup who bought it at a swap meet in Piedras Negras, it will be traced to you. See "The Jesus Factor" above. Lay low. No murder for you-ten years!