I watch with sadness as the debilitating OCD takes over, he must touch the
doorknob two or four times, never an odd number and never past ten
Or the whole thing has to start over again
Depending on stress, to get through the door can take many attempts,
one leg back, one leg ahead. The quite concentration to do all these
repetitions, the counting and touching fill me with dread, because
I know it is beyond his control.
I am talking about Billy, the son of my daughter. She had OCD too,
but a very mild case. two squeezes of the hand, never one
never three, always double kisses placed on my face
Billy sees a professional for help with this. He wants to medicate him,
but he says he finds comfort In the repetitions, says they are part of
his life but it is hard to watch all that concentrated effort.
My refrigerator door must be opened and closed just so many times, and
to get into the bathroom, I know he's in distress, but I silently watch
because there's nothing I can do, and if I interrupt a sequence, he has
to start over.
Billy never walks by me without saying I love you Grannie, and I must
say I love you too, only once, or he must say it again, and I can't
say anything else, or the whole thing starts over again. I forget sometimes
after he has turned his back and said something, and we have to begin
again. I know a lot of people have OCD. Billy has tried many medications
but the side effects are terrible, he has insomnia, which is why I am always up'
so late, and the medications make that worse or cause tremors.
I am thinking a lot about this right now, as he is going to California in August,
and if nothing can stop him, he plans to go on his motorcycle. I knew this
way before he bought the motorcycle. I talked to his psychiatrist, whom I
also see for myself, and he said, don't say anything to him about his plans,
(he has told the doctor too). He said he must try to do what he wants to,
he will be 21 on July 22, this year. He is a man, in every way, one would
never know he has these problems, as they seem to come on when he is
at home and at peace. Perhaps he isn't internally fighting them here.
He has no trouble driving his car or the motorcycle. The doctor said that
is because he is so focused on what he is doing.
I am writing this because I know how much I am going to miss the shoulder
kisses, when he passes me and says I love you Grannie, and making him
stir fries at 3 AM some mornings. We have been together since he was 14
when his mother passed away, and living alone together for four years when
Bill became ill, and then passed away. Best buddies we are. He is a good
boy, a thoughtful and compassionate boy, an unselfish kid, and he has
also bonded with his biological father in the past year. I am so glad for
that. He is so fond of his stepfather, there is no one that doesn't like Billy.
I will miss the dickens out of him, I hope out of sight out of mind works like
it should, but I really doubt it.
I sometimes see a person with a tic or some form of OCD, and know what
they are going through. It is as painful for me to watch as it is for him,
although as I said, he doesn't mind it, it is somehow like a friend, a part
of him. He has had this all his life, in small ways, but after the accident
it became very pronounced.
My wish for him is he finds great happiness with his fiancée in California,
and the OCD will go away or lessen. Her family is eager to have him live out there
with them, so he has a place to go. I will be holding my breath as he
takes off on his month long ride across route 80 to route 70 that goes
right to Sacramento. He has promised to call me every hour, for awhile
on his cell phone, and he will be sleeping in motels, we have deals made.
This is just to let you know about the latest chapter in my life.
My son Mark, who lost his wife in February has moved in with us, so I
will not be alone, but I will miss my Billy. The Lord has always provided
me with someone to look after, so I guess the game is still on.
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Comments: 43
Oh Elsie, I'm crying after reading this.. I know this must be a total roller coaster for your emotions and that you're feeling sad... But I know you can get through it, and he does need to make his own decisions... It's awfully hard to let go...
Thinking of you both! ***HUGS***
This is a wonderful way for us to get to know Billy better, thank you!
I've been watching this show on A&E called 'Obsessed' and it's taught me a lot about different types of obsessions, anxieties, compulsions and fears. The best part about the show is that people are actually being helped by the treatment they receive.
Please keep us updated on Billy's trip!
Your grandson sounds like a wonderful and caring young man. It sounds like he has a plan and is going to try his best to follow through with it. He is very lucky to have such a caring grandmother and I know he will miss you and you will miss him. I shall keep him in my prayers for a safe trip to California and continued success once he arrives there.
You certainly describe an advanced case of OCD, Elsie. I expect he'll do fine by employment is likely to be a challenge. He's fortunate to have had your loving care.
Thank you for sharing this aspect of your life. Many good thoughts go out for you and Billy.
Elsie, You already know this, I am positively sure...but everything in this world, both the things you can see, things you can't, carries with it a paycheck and a price tag. Love is certainly no exception. There are incredible blessings in loving another, just as there are the price tags attached.
I am convinced that this is the reason we are here. To love one another. To care for and to give to each other, to learn from and to connect with each other.
You, incredible lady, are living a life stuffed with "the reason we are here." And it comes with both the big and little paychecks, all those "shoulder kisses," and knowing that others love you as you love them. The price tag is sometimes distance between those you love and your own life space.
It is still the best game in town. Blessings on your heart and household as you adjust to this new change. Jump into your best memories of that love to keep your chin up during the transition.
Start by having a super day--today. Find some reason to celebrate Billy's freedom, his strong abilities, and his joy of life. You helped him have those gifts. So, you, too, are blessed.
Wilka
I could not have said it better than Kathy, Dear Elsie. Take the day and Run with with it........
the fact that he feels confident to go out on his own and do the adult thing in spite of his challenges - and that he is able to cope so well - is a testament to the security, respect and love you have provided him with. You give him the grounding he needed ...and now you're giving him the gift of freedom.
I know you'll miss him dreadfully - and he, you - but hope you will take pride in knowing that you did SUCH a good job of parenting him. You should be very proud.
That was so sweet and so wonderful. We often hear of grannies raising grands, but never the good of it.
I am glad you won't be alone - and that he has a good family waiting for him when he arrives.
Elsie,
This was so poignant and heartfelt, I feel Billy is leaving ME. I think it is wonderful and commendable that you are supportive of his plans, but like any good Grannie, you worry..Don't we all.
Flit expressed exactly what I was feeling, so I won't repeat her words, but know you have friends here to get you through the adjustment period.
You wrote this so beautifully.
My grandmother had a slight case of OCD(hand washing---after holding money, shaking hands with someone other than her family, doorknobs, etc.).
... beautifully expressed ... to see the beauty, internal rhythms, & heartfelt depth in someone else's life - like you do Elsie - is a gift indeed ...
... thank you for your writing & sharing!
Elsie - this has left me speechless - I have no idea what to say other than this was beautifully written. He knows how much you love him and how hard this is for you. I hope he reads this to see how much you love him and want him to do well! HUGS to you Elsie!
soon OCD will evaporate i pray
How beautifully you told this heartfelt tale about Billy. You're a wonderful grandmother (and parent) to give him everything he needs - security, love and his freedom. My SIL has OCD and you described it perfectly, with great compassion.
someone with the best advise on gather whom is the grandma here once told me and I cheerish her aadvice and word of kindness,
"that it is sad to see them go, yet they leave with you as a part of them so they will be fine." I take your words and hand them to you this time, I know we will both love our boys forever and know we are with them together,, if you need I can ping you every day and say I love you,, for I do,, you helped me out these past two yrs it at least I can do,,
LOVE YOU Ms Elsie
Very beautifully written Elsie. As one door closes, another will open. Let's pray that the new rooms are plesant for both of you.
Wow, Grandma so the move is really on for August, eh? That's fantastic for him, I am glad that he is going out into the world and starting his life. Time is so short... life is so short. So its fantastic that he isn't waiting any longer. He will be ok... I know you will worry, but have faith in him, as he is strong - he has to be, as he came from Tracy who came from you. {{HUGS}} Love you!
They all grow up and eventually fly the nest, which is what a 'parent' wants them to do rther than keep them in the nest and smother them. Despite his problems, apparaently, you've raised him well enough to go out on his own and fend for himself, so to speak. That should give you some pride in itself you've taught him so well, he feels confident enough to accept life's challenges and try it solo. You'll always worry. That's how parents/grandparents are. Before he goes, hop on his bike and make him take you for one last ride. So glad you have Mark there with you now. Things work out somehow so you've managed to avoid be alone. You also have all of us here, so you've got a huge 'family' to look out for you. I'd come stay, but I'm pretty sure I'm never going to be able to drive again due to various reasons. I've had to give up my freedom while your little one has just discovered his. You'll be alright and you always have us to turn to...even when Gather disappears.
I know what this is like, having mild OCD. I do take medication and it really helps to overcome the urge to fit EVERYTHING into a pattern.
I am not sure why Elsie but this has brught me to tears. I think that it is the passion, compassion, love, steadiness, sadness and loyalty in your voice here.
I wish Billy all the luck. He has a lot of good people who love him. Such things as OCD can be very, very difficult for both the person who has it and for others. He and you have been so very lucky to have each other....
I am sure he will be all right......
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Perhaps he will find a loving friend and life companion as I am to my Mr. who suffers from bipolar disease. Life brought us together and the sweetness of heaven gave me the heart and the sense of humor to be his best friend. That for Billy I pray.
Oh, Elsie, I can barely imagine how this approaching separation will be. He's grown so much in his time with you. The security and love you gave him allows him now to branch out into his own life. We ALL will be worried on his trip to California. I think he'd better call about 20 of us each night and we all can pass on his messages to everyone else!
I'm amazed at all the changes you've had to deal with in recent years. Just one would be enough to wipe out a normal person but you've had one after the other and still keep your head up and moving along. Sending you much love and hugs!
Does his girl friends parents know about his OCD? thanks for sharing..
Not only do you feel compassion and acceptance and understanding of Billy's OCD idiosynchrocies, but you also RESPECT him, and it comes through loud and clear. I think all of it is why Billy has done so well and would dare to go off on his own. You have done a marvelous job of seeing him through the teenage years and to the door of adulthood. Your story shows the beauty in spite of the pain in life, and fills one with courage and resolve. This is a very moving and profound piece, Elsie. I love you.
Elsie, I'm hugging you right now, my arms around your shoulders. I know what you are feeling as you watch another little fledgling fly the nest. My hope is that he lands softly and flies gracefully away on his own adventure.
You are the strongest mother hen I've ever known. I love ya, hon.
Big hug Elsie - letting go always hurts, doesn't it!
The only way we get to keep them though is if there is a problem big enough for them not to be able to go away - and that we also don't want ...
So another hug - you are doing great!
You are so strong. Your words are filled with emotion and power. Your writing is touching and shines a different light on people.
I know all about OCD. My sister and I have it. Mine was so bad that I had 15 years of therapy and live on Luvox. Luvox has taken the really bad OCD away. Knowing that he has the support of you is a big help. Just try not to enable him like I used to do to people to get that feeling away. It is a horrible illness. God Bless
This is really beautiful, Elsie. You've painted a very touching portrait of this young man with your words.
Elsie-this is going to be a hard one for you. He is a man, but he is still very young and you have been like a mother to him. I let one of mine go 1000 miles away, and that "out of sight" thing-doesn't work at all. Sorry to tell you that. But, it does become the new normal, and you get past it as long as they check in frequently.
Your ability to express your compassion into words never ceases to amaze me Elsie. Those who have had a chance to be apart of your world, are truly fortunate. It is your love and strenght that has helped Billy to be able to be independant, and not a prisoner of his disease.
It is always hard to let go those special people in our lives. Sometimes it tears us up inside. But because you love them you can set them free. It is their happiness you want. There will be phone calls and contacts, and each one will be looked forward to, with great anticipation. There will be times of concern, but that is the love speaking. There would be no concern if there was no love. I hope the best for Billy, in his new journey in life.
And I am glad to see your post, as I have not seen you around in a spell. I was fearful you may have left Gather. I look forward to your post, as they are so uplifting, and written with true heart and sometimes wit. Thank you again for sharing your life.
I know down deep you are worried and perhaps broken hearted in losing your little Billy, as you said he is a man now and the old saying If you love something, you must set it free, if they love you they will come back to you. I know your Billy will be back. Maybe with a new wife and later a family. But the will be back.
Elsie-
Yes, it is so hard to let them go, especially when they have something like OCD.
I agree with everyone else here who says that he will be fine because he had you to give him such a good foundation. He also knows where you are if he needs to come back home.
He will miss saying I love you Grannie as much as you will miss hearing it, I am sure. He will probably say it every night before he goes to sleep.
Great poem, Elsie.
ooh dear Elsie... what a beautifully written story of love and life and and the journey you are on... Blessings to you and Billy... i'll be praying for all of your family ....
((((hugssss))))
I'm sure he senses your sorrow, but most of all he needs you to give him positive moral support. Just my opinion.
That must be very difficult to watch. And I'm sure it will be very hard to see him go.
You have given him a solid foundation to build on. Pray and trust he will be fine and know that you gave him everything you could to help him to become a fine man.
You are such a loving Grandma and mom. May God bless you and bless your grandkids and those you take care of. May He also bless the works of your hands. Amen.
The story is so touchy. Thanks for sharing it with us.
you are a loving parent and grandparent but more than that you are a very strong woman..... I am sad for you right now, but I do know that you will endure and get through anything that life throws at you... everyone in your life is blessed to have such a woman as you in their corner