Did you ever wonder how life would be different if we named things using the first name of the inventor instead of using last name? The Earl of Sandwich reportedly was the first person who put meat in between two slices of bread; we honor him today every time we order a sandwich. But, instead, we could order a ham and cheese earl. We could say, "Give me that earl to go," or "I found myself earled in between two large semis on Route 101," or "The cheapest way to build that would be with earl board."
Using peoples' last names is too formal to designate items with which we're all familiar. First names imply intimacy and better fit the cultural casualness of America. Put everyday objects and expressions on a first name basis and here's what would happen:
*Ma Bell would be Ma Alexander or Ma Graham though neither has quite the same ring to it.
*Morse code was named after Samuel Morse, the man who invented the telegraph. But we could as easily say, "As soon as the baby's born, be sure to send me a Samgram."
*A radioactive element made artificially becomes albertinium instead of the more awkward einsteinium (No, I didn't make that up; einsteinium is #99 on the periodic table). And, wouldn't it be much less intimidating to learn about Al's Theory of Relativity?
*Instead of "give me a Washington, or a Lincoln, or a Franklin or a Grant," it would be simpler and more direct, when referring to monetary denominations, to say, "Give me a George, or an Abe, or a Ben, or slip me a Ulysses." On second thought, let's stick with Grant.
*Madame Curie discovered radioactivity and scientists use a "curie" to measure radioactive disintegration. But they could just as easily say that uranium has too many madams for your health.
*Instead of using a Hamilton blender, you could set your Alexander to "purée" and make a perfect Brandy Alexander. A Brandy Hamilton would just sound silly. (Technically, the blender wasn't invented for 100 plus years after Alexander Hamilton, but I know he liked great drinks and the real inventor had no first name, just "L.H.").
*And, there's no reason your cabin wouldn't warm up just as quickly with a Benjamin stove.
The automobile represents a fertile field for name change:
*Andre Citroën manufactured France's most popular car. Even a Frenchman would find it easier to call the car an André and writing an accent mark is a helluva lot easier than that umlaut over Citroën. (How could two "e"s look so much alike and be so different?) The chauvinistic French prefer last names like Citroën and Peugot because only native-born Frenchmen can pronounce them.
*Rudolph Diesel lent his name to a different type of engine that runs on a different type of fuel. Using his first name, we could pull up to the pump and be greeted with, "regular or Rudolph?"
*And, personally, I think the old model T looks more like a Henry than a Ford.
What about sports? Baseball is too ordinary a term. In the 1880s, no one understood the concept of branding or that a person's name is a much more powerful marketing tool than a descriptive word. Maybe the originators of baseball considered Doubleday too common a word or too boastful. If they'd only taken it one step further, the great American pastime would be Abner and "Hey, wanna play catch with my Abner?" would be part of the American lexicon today.
Some of these new names may sound weird to you; that's just because they're not familiar. We already use this first name format in our everyday lives. There's Sir John Crapper who invented the flush toilet. Americans use his first name because his last name is obscene. The English prefer the more delicate sound of his wife's name, Lady Loo Crapper.
Admittedly, there were some mistakes in using first names for cars: the Henry J and the Edsel come to mind. But the error was in the product not the name. Harley Earl used his first name and see how successful his motorcycles are. Besides, he couldn't have used his last name; people would say, "$3,000 for an earl? Isn't that a sandwich?!"
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Comments: 81
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Great one! And is Citroen actually French for Lemon? That one could use a bit of revision. I'm concerned that the new FDA commissioner's name is Hamburg -- maybe she expects us all to eat those mad cow burgers, for a bit more dumbing down! Thanks for posting this and keep tapping into those mirthful spirits!!
CITRON is a citrus fruit something like a lemon. Citroen is a persons name - nothing to do with a fruit. I checked Wikipedia to be sure I was remembering correctly
Thanks for the information, Susan.
Funny to the end, humor clinched by that last line!
This article waswonderful. It is interesting how things could have been different if they has used first names instead of last.
Just think: The Studebaker and the Willys would both have been "Johns" despite being made by different companies!
Oh! so you could "go" in them :-D)
Ho Ho!
I like this tongue in cheek article a lot!
By the way the fourth Earl of Sandwich, John Montaguis credited with requesting the first meal of meat between bread, to keep his hands clean while playing billiards.
Earl of Sandwich is a British Title originally awarded by the British Crown and now inherited. Interestingly the present day 11th Earl of Sandwich is a John Edward Hollister Montagu.
um....
I love Al's theory of relativity. It basically explains why I can be here typing this comment at the same time I am down getting a drink of water and making a tuna earl while at the same time greasing up my abner for tomorrow's game.
btw: Happy Belated Dad's Day John; these are for you, we should be so lucky huh?
http://www.gather.com/viewAlbum.action?albumId=17113
:+)
"greasing up my abner"
Just be careful where you use that term, Robert.
I'll check the link tomorrow. Bedtime for this Poppa.
"maybe she expects us all to eat those mad cow burgers"
I thought we were going to send those to to Iran, Visionaerie.
Susan's correct about citron. My favorite: citron pressé (lemonade).
Glad you enjoyed it, John.
Thanks, Sharon.
"The Studebaker and the Willys would both have been "Johns" despite being made by different companies!"
Interesting, John. Coincidentally, I considered them both "crappers" cars, though I know there are a lot of Studebaker fans.
"the fourth Earl of Sandwich, John Montaguis credited with requesting the first meal of meat between bread, to keep his hands clean while playing billiards. "
That's interesting, Susan.
Thanks.
"um....
"I'll wait for the other shoe to drop before replying, Ashley :)
that was pretty interesting, thanks for sharing
It's all about the Benjamins, baby. And requesting a "John" is entirely different than requesting an earl. Um, sandwich.
Gotta love my Pat. I concur wholeheartedly John.
Thanks, John. After this article I will call just by your first name. Or is it after this John? No, that implies it is what was originally called crapper, or cr_p, for short. Which this article definitely is NOT. LOL (:OD
Henry 57 Sauce? Robert's Mustard? John's Corn Flakes? The George Monument? Johnsian Economics? That just won't fly!
Man John--you deserve a shiny new Abraham penny for that one !!!! Very good work, by Washington !!! / GoTta go-- running to the loo, and then gonna make me an earl .//
But this was excellent my friend. I even enjoyed the comments as well. I love puns, wordplays, etc../// Lonnie Ray Fowler, or should that be Fowler Ray Lonnie?/
Roger and out--whoever he was.
Very interesting and full of carefully inlaid humor. If a thing be named after me what would it be? I wonder.
A temple of myth
Kushal, you mean the iPod wasn't named in your honor?
Dang!
You're welcome, Tina.
"And requesting a "John" is entirely different than requesting an earl. Um, sandwich."
Good point, Pat — unless the earl's on sale.
"After this article I will call just by your first name. Or is it after this John? No, that implies it is what was originally called crapper ..."
Admittedly gaming the system, Yvonne, I elected to have a first name as a last name for just such an eventuality.
"John's Corn Flakes? The George Monument? Johnsian Economics? That just won't fly!"
LOL Jeffrey.
You may be right on some of those but I think using the first name John for anything gives it a little extra class.
"John--you deserve a shiny new Abraham penny for that one "
Thanks, Lonnie. After checking my new recession standards I will accept your kind offer. :)
What if Archibald Kleenex used his first name? - "Hey grab me one those archibalds, I have to blow my nose." or --- Nah, we won't go there.
Rest easy
Delicious! This would be the perfect article to post in Because of all the Sandwiches There I’d love to feature it. :)
Mr Crapper's invention is still known to certain schoolboy wits as 'the crapper'... even all these long years after!
blaine's triple decker, sound cool huh! great article!
thanks!
Very funny and nice.
Hmm...like the Reuben sandwich?
That would be the Reuben Earl, Nippy :)
"Hey grab me one those archibalds, I have to blow my nose."
It's a question of familiarity, Bill. If you had never heard of the name Kleenex and I said, "Can I have a Kleenex," you'd say " A WHAT?"
Jim, good eye. It IS a Dagwood sandwich.
You're welcome, Chas.
"This would be the perfect article to post in Because of all the Sandwiches There"
I will do that Susan. Thanks.
Glad you liked it, Lona.
"still known to certain schoolboy wits as 'the crapper'"
Agreed, Ishbel. The word "crapper" has a third-grade caché about it.
"blaine's triple decker"
I'll have one of those, Blaine. Hold the mayo.
Mmmmm... sandwiches...
This was a very clever write! Well, I gotta go sharpen my David... oh wait, wrong Bowie! ;o)
Mmmmm ... names :)
He is a different Bowie, Heidi, but I kind of like the expression "I gotta go sharpen my David."
I'll say no more about that.
It's Monday and still tired from Sunday so just passing by to say hope you have a nice day.
You too, Donald. Thanks.
I think I like the idea of running my car on Rudolph. Maybe it would fly? Have a red nose hood ornament? Antlers? I can remember when gas grades were "regular" and "Ethyl". My dad always called Ethyl "high test". Now, it's just all expensive. We may be asking for a Benjamin's worth of gas soon that will be almost enough to get to the corner.
Very fun posting, John! We have three crappers here, I'm glad to say. No waiting.
I already reffered the $100.00 bill as a, "Benny". Isn't the Penny already called by a first name? We could just call it by it's metal, copper, even though, I think in the new pennies, there is little, and possably no copper in one, anymore.
I'd forgotten Ethyl, Jan. Even though it was my grandmother's name, we always thought it was funny.
Clever and fun topic! Here in Texas we have a big local grocry chain The founder's name was Hubert E. Butt, goes bys H.E.B Guess they didn't want every saying I have to run to Butts. : ) Your naming priniciple would have helped him.
Maybe they're missing out of something. I'd think Texans would go out of their way to shop at a store named Butts.
Watch it! I'll get the Rangers after you! : )
I liked this article, it made me laugh!
Thanks, K D.
John, this one made me laugh right out loud! Playing catch with my Abner just doesn't sound right to me.
Not everyone has an Abner, Wanda.
Sounds like a good plan to me. He, he!
Me too, Angela. Enjoy.
Well, that was fun, and the ending was simply perfect. I'll chortle while making the earls for my guys to take to work tomorrow.
They'll be the hit of the day, Sheila
and Bill Gates Microsoft could be called "Gates" instead of "Windows" all portals of entry!
A great idea, Georgiana. But to be consistent with the theme here, shouldn't it be OS Bill?
Thanks for the laugh.. just what I needed today!
Glad I could help, Teresa.
"*Madame Curie discovered radioactivity and scientists use a "curie" to measure radioactive disintegration. But they could just as easily say that uranium has too many madams for your health."
Good thing too that she accomplished after she married Pierre Curie because the sentence would be: ". . . that uranium has too many Sklodowskas for your health."
Too bad his name wasn't Leslie Diesel ..... then it could have been about Les Fuel!
Well, there's something I never knew, Dennis.
I don't think he'll ever make the deli list.
Anita, how clever! Thanks.
Ha... very entertaining. I like how you came full circle with the last line.
...but I know he liked great drinks
You *are* thorough!
Thanks, Tracy. Not always so easy with humor.
Adorably humorous tour through the history of inventions John. Snorkworthy.
Thanks, Vivian. Snorkworthy is my goal.