There are a lot of things I don’t get when it comes to men. Flatulence as a fount of humor comes quickly to mind. Corvettes. Bodacious Ta-Ta’s...
But the biggest cultural gap between me and them is beer.
Beer - I hate it. It suckers you in – you buy a bottle, take a swig – lovely. Take another swig. Suddenly it’s cat piss*. Every. Single. Time.
I know what you’re going to say – I’m not drinking the right beer (translation – I’m not drinking your brand). Well, lord knows I’ve tried. I’ve drunk American Beer (no wonder the world laughs at us), German Beer (a cold Girl – fun to order, anyway). Japanese beer, Chinese beer, Mexican beer, Australian beer. I’ve drunk expensive beer – microbeer. Ale, lager, whatever. In France I drank the local Bier d’Alsace. Cat piss all.
And in Idaho I drank Red Beer (beer and tomato juice). Now if that isn’t the foulest concoction ever created by a freedom-loving people, I don’t know what is.
And tell me how anyone can drink beer on a cold day? It just doesn’t make sense.
In college I drank a lot of beer – it was fun to buy because our local store had generic – white can, big black letters: BEER. Hard to pass up. We used it to keep our stomachs from being burned away by the cheap Famiglio Cribari wine we favored. It’s a wonder any of us survived, really.
When things got really tight, I began to make my own beer. And I was good at it. Learned how, bought quality ingredients, kept my equipment clean and sterile. And it wasn’t bad – for beer. About 5% and dry, crisp. Of course, you had to decant it or all the yeast in the bottom would get stirred up. Still, the flavor wasn’t harmed by my sister’s habit of shaking the dregs back into the brew – so you can imagine how it tasted.
The last time I got drunk on beer was St Patrick’s Day, 1972. I was with friends having a kegger in a welding yard – don’t ask why. I got sufficiently plastered that I thought it would be a good idea to ride around on the tines of a fork lift. Me and Chris got on and one of our drunken friends careened us around the yard. It was fun until he decided to run the fork up and make a right turn at the same time. I remember slipping – the tines were slicker ‘n' spit from sliding under all those pallets – I looked over at Chris, realized he had nothing to grab onto, decided not to grab onto him and sailed off the end - 8 feet down to the concrete.
I was out cold, so my friends, having failed first aid, apparently, did not stabilize my neck and call an ambulance - turns out we weren’t supposed to be in the welding yard – instead they picked me up and stuffed me into the back of a car. I came to on the way to the doctor's… It wasn’t the fall that put me off beer. It was the realization that if you hang out with drunks, you’ll only have drunks to rely on when the sh*t hits the fan.
Only twice have I ever genuinely liked beer: There was the Budweiser my loving roommates used to put in the freezer for me when I left work to hitchhike home across San Jose. By the time I arrived, tired, sweaty and poisoned by exhausted fumes, I’d pop the top and there’d be little ice crystals in it. The first slug was pure heaven. And then: Cat piss.
The other was - when making hay, my mother used to give us Shandygaff – a mix of beer and ginger ale that was not too sweet, not too dry – and you could drink all day without getting so schnockered that you tipped the hay wagon over on your little brother. Not for lack of trying, I might add. We started drinking Shandy after the day John and Derward had the Bacardi mishap.
It must have been 95 degrees that day, and they were driving the pickup truck that pulled the hay wagon. To pass the time, they would pour a little Bacardi 151 in the bottle cap and hand it back and forth. All good fun until Derward lit a cigarette – then BOOM! A fireball exploded in the cab and flames poured out the windows.** Quite a sight, especially with all that hay. After that, Shandygaff it was.
*Assuming cat piss tastes like it smells.
**They were a little singed but otherwise fine – and had a great story to tell, so everyone was pleased.
rate
email
print
link to this page
Comments: 46
So... should I flag this?
I don't think so, but I'm not overly sensitive.
what would you possiby flag it as? hate for beer?
And no beers were harmed in the making of this post...
Their feelings might have been a little hurt, though.
I don't see any reason to.
"St Patrick's Day, 1972. I was with friends having a kegger in a welding yard - don't ask why."
St. Patrick's Day is all you need to say for a reason.
I used to hate beer, and then once I found a few beers I liked the taste of, most of them are also migraine triggers. So I'm down to about 4 brands I can safely drink, with Corona as my summer brand (those commercials don't lie -- just the sight of a Corona starts "The Wino and I Know" playing in my head) and Newcastle Brown Ale in winter. I try to save beer for tough days and barbecues.
I like Stella Artois, can drink almost a whole one - but that's it. Migraines, thank god, are a thing of the past for me, but I would do anything to avoid them. Mine came like clockwork as soon as some stressful situation had passed.
I haven't drank a beer in 25 years...
Funny story! I too, don't like beer, and yes it reminds me of cat urine. Heineken especially. I never liked it. Wine gives me a headache, so I drink the hard stuff when I do drink. Jack is my favourite, then tequila.
Ah,Elizabeth, you are not alone! I am unable to even swallow beer without gagging, wine gives me migraines so it's the hard stuff or, oddly enough, hard cider for me!
Tequila is my poison of choice but as I am my own designated driver I usually have a cider or two over the course of several hours and forgo the tequila for those rare occasions when some one else is driving.
I just had a beer with my pizza dinner. I like beer, but it has to be decent and not Budweiser or Miller. I don't drink it cold - I like it best at room temperature.
And the 151 story was rockin'! I like 151, but I don't smoke.
I wish you lived near here so I could hear some of these stories in person, although I'm pretty happy to keep reading them -- I love when my friends have all had more interesting lives than me.
Of course, now I want the Land Shark that's chilling in the fridge... it's the next best thing to Corona, and any beer endorsed by Jimmy Buffett is good enough for me.
I loved beer before becoming a Friend of Bill (and I don't mean Clinton). For me it was the opposite. The first beer tasted like cat piss, the second was better and by about number eight or nine, it was darn good stuff... absolutely fantastic. So much so fantastic that I could douse away about 20 before hitting the deck... which I did with regularity. I look back now on some of the crap like your forklift episode and I know that saying about God watches out for fools and drunks has to be true. Great story.
If it weren't true, (and I did for a time qualify under both categories), I wouldn't be here.
Hilarious story, and I'm right there with you on the taste. I generally take a sip of hubby's beer, because that's all I want. The whole fireball thing must have been very eye-opening! I've done some dumb stuff in my life, but I do think you have me beat. You're lucky they didn't run over you with the forklift, but then some of the other stuff you posted makes it sound like you definitely had someone looking over you.
I'm a wine person. I like sweet white wines. And Sangria. Hubby just brought home a big jug of Sangria (his boss gave it to him for making something for him) and I should be well on my way to ... as you say, schnockered ... by the time I hit the bed. :) (I'm a cheap drunk. Half a glass of regular wine is pah-lenty).
You sound like a Chinese fellow I used to date. We'd say Give Verne his tablespoon of wine and put him to bed...
You must have been a popular (cheap) date!
Heh. I stopped drinking almost completely after I got so drunk that I went to bed drunk and woke up the next morning still drunk. The hangover was incredible. I was too drunk to throw up. I did other naughty things. :)
Thank god for naughty things... we'd be no fun at all in our old age if it weren't for misspent youth.
Hilarious ,Sarah ! Several absolute truths in your post : 1] It was the realization that if you hang out with drunks, you’ll only have drunks to rely on when the sh*t hits the fan. No need to elaborate on that ! 2 ] there’d be little ice crystals in it. The greatest draft beer ever was served in a pub at UGA ! when the pitcher was poured an ice sheet started in the bottom of the pitcher ,slowly made it's way to the top and then turned over .OMG .awesome ! and finally 3] Flatulence is a fount of humor to males ,as a rule this is true , but not with Southern Gentleman ! LOL!
I keep migrating southward - perhaps this is why...
In Wisconsin the drinking age was 18 (for beer & liquor) when I was growing. Of course, most of my friends began drinking beer by the age of 14 or so. I, on the other hand, hated it. I had a Coke habit... no Pepsi, Coke! Lots and lots of it! I used to ride my bicycle up to the neighborhood grocery store at midnight when I needed a can of Coke. (Okay, maybe that's not so weird, but I did this even in sub-zero weather and/or snowstorms! Speaking of ice crystals in the first sip... in those days under those conditions there were ice crystals in every sip!)
I also developed a taste for Bacardi 151, but only after I was legal. Not that it really tasted that great to me, but because it was SO BAD! I mean it wasn't 80 proof, it wasn't 100 proof... it was 151 PROOF! Fortunately, I soon became a distance runner and realized that drinking alcohol of high proofage was counterproductive.
But then it happened. If you want to develop a taste for beer, start running 80 to 100 miles a week through the summer months. Your body craves carbos, and we convinced ourselves that beer was the most effective means of replacing those carbos. (The flaw in that theory is that beer is NOT the most effective means of replacing bodily fluids lost through perspiration, as the alcohol actually exacerbates dehydration.)
I gave up marathons 2 decades ago due to knees that feel like they have gravel in them when I bend them, but I didn't give up beer drinking until much later. I never ever developed a taste for Guiness Stout or Bass Ale, however.
Actually, I love Guiness - any beer you can chew is OK with me. For awhile I drank one 4-5 times/week. Then I found out why they call it stout...
did that happen to you? I mean the stout part? ..
Yep
Mark is younger than I am. The Wisconsin beer age was 18 but the real drinking age was 21 when I was in high school and college. When the age for beer and other alcoholic beverages became the same, the beer bars went the way of the DeSoto because they had thrived on the 18-20 year old crowd, and those that looked that age, while the distinction lasted.
ah. Try Labatt Bleu? Other Canadians? Try Elephant Beer IN COPENHAGEN where it really IS 8 percent? Try Molson ICE? More than 5.5? Try Harpoon IPO? OR Harpoon Raspberry? Sam Adams Cherry Wheat? Kirin? Tsing Dao? Dos Equis?
A Cold Girl...I love GOOD Beers....
I've tried Lablatt, Elephant, Sam Adams, Kirin, Tsing Dao, Dos Equis.. and a whole bunch more...
gotta love the suds....
Coors, Olympia, i mean REAL COORS, you KNOW before they went national...My first beer was hmmmm. when I was three. My parents had to stop giving it to me, probably Miller. After that, I hated it and hated Molson and Labatt pints in Montreal from 17 until I was 21...
I got thrown out of the Olympia tasting room in Tumswater - but I won't drink Coors - not willing to support the family that's strip mining Colorado. My mother used to give us beer when we were babies - helped us sleep, she said.
helped your MOTHER to sleep... Well that is a good reason not to drink Coors. I rarely drank it because when I WAS LIVING in Utah, I was a minor and did not get West after being of age that often. When it became nationwide, JUST ANOTHER US BEER...
I have heard that runners often prefer beer to spirits...
French DOES taste like cat piss, not that I would know, but it all SMELLS like SKINK....Skank..I mean SKUNK>....
I was relieved by the asterisk. Until the end I feared that you had actually experienced the flavor of feline urine.
Have you ever tried to quench your thirst with canned iced tea? Canned lemonade? Lemonade from a fast food joint? Coke? Squirt? Ginger ale? Root beer? Or, heaven forbid, cream soda? Water works, but that other stuff leaves me more thirsty than when I started.
I first became accustomed to ambient temperature beer one summer in the '50's when I crewed on a 55' motorsailer. When the work was done and the captain and I retreated to the fo'c's'le, he would grab 4 cans of beer from the bilge and had me two. We would read or chat until the cans were empty, then lights out & sleep. Worked for me.
Actually, I prefer water - Drink of Champions as I used to tell my son. 99% of what I drink is water - but not chlorinated, muggy-tasting city water. I have access to the sweetest spring water in the world.
And I do drink iced tea, and even pop on occasion, but if I'm thirsty I want water.
My son says we have the best drinking water on the planet! We have our own deep well, deeply encased. Tastes best from the garden hose.
I am quite with you on this~dear =)
The first time I permitted the foul liquid to pass my lips I almost regurgitated my esophogus along with small pieces of my small intense~
Beer holds no charm for me~it's gross in every form~
Your description of the final time you got your intense Drubk on reminds me of my own Goldschlagger incident~ ;)
Are we going to hear of the Goldschlagger incident?
Now you've piqued my curiosity!
um~I'd have to change a lot of names to protect the guilty~but they know who they are anyway~ ;)
awww, i was SO hoping to hear about the Goldschlager....
Soon I will post my drunks...and hangovers. Not even that many before I decided at 21 to have ONLY 2 drinks TWICE a week, and usually beer or wine at that...
In recent years, I am trying to keep it to once or twice a MONTH at two drinks, usually beer or wine, but had a small shot last night of GREY GOOSE....
OOhh..
Thank you for posting to GutterGirls~
The cat piss in my basement doesn't smell like beer. Maybe I have a cat problem rather than a beer problem.
I agree about beer having diminishing returns. I switch to red wine after one beer.
Another fun time.
I cannot drink beer alone, but I love it when with others. Perhaps, when alone, I concentrate on the taste too much. When with others perhaps I get just the "top notes," which I do like and ignore the bitterness.
I am deeply indebted to you for trying so many beers to prove what I was pretty sure I'd figured out after considerably less experimentation... beer is nasty. I love beer commercials. Beer LOOKS wonderful. Too bad it isn't. At all.
I'm with Barb -- pass the sangria! Oh, and great post -- much entertainment here.