what if judas were a was and if (was just) because
when love is only /doglick breath, a slant smile from your mother
and drunken kiss’s ‘neath lemon lamplight, of course, the thing it does
what (if judas) were a was and if was just because
when dust claims morning mouth, a slight below, before the growling buzz
and whiskey is as whiskey does, tonight to write, to red, 1 love 2 th’other
what if judas were a was and if (was just) because
when love is only /doglick breath, a slant smile from your mother
-Inspired by James Ciriaco's poem: Anxiety of Influence, Susan Budig's "Form of the Month" - the Triolet - for group: Mindful Poetry, and the work of e.e. cummings.
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Comments: 38
Man, I didn't know e.e. used thje subjunctive case.
Chris, thanks for the comment. yes he did, and he didn't write this. the operative word is: inspired. Thank you so much for reading and commenting. :-)
Love this...........can you explain the form?
It reminds me of e e cummings.........a compliment!
Hi Little Red, This is a twisted for of the Triolet done as an homage to e.e. cummings. Please see Susan Budig's post on the form of the month/ triolet in Mindful Poetry <a href="http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.action?articleId=281474977703788">Triolet: June's Form of the Month</a>
Now why doesn't that ever work for me?
I had to set up a practice link to do that.
I will go check the post out now........
I'm digging that "Little Red"........inside joke of ours. :)
Atticus, they changed the rules. Now, when you want to make a link hot, you do it like when you are writing a post for this place.
Highlight it, click on the chainlink, insert the URL and submit that. So to get to my article on triolets, click this puppy.
Thank you Susan, That explains it. i guess I just wasn't paying attention to the lower right hand corner of this box. I see it now.
wow, atticus, a very long time since i have read e.e. but man oh man I love this.
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Thank you very much for the kind comment and for the feature Kathryn.
I found this amusing, but not sure if that was your intention. Sorry. My favorite part is "when dust claims morning mouth." Very interesting, I will have to read James' poem, too. Thank you for posting to our group.
Hi Jennifer, I'm glad you are back. Thanks for your comment. I think I'll have to revise this one. I think I went to far out on a limb and it is a little inscrutable to most readers. I like to try to do a thing and do its opposite at the same time. It is an irresistible challenge for me at times. I was trying to combine: Stealing a poetic style, writing in a very small tight box (the poetry form), and write a poem about when poetic influence goes too far and crosses the line from emulation to betrayal, all as a way of honoring my influences listed above. I was just having some fun to see how far I could take this. My wife and I read to each other at night. The other night we chose e.e. cummings. I was inspired by some of his more atmospheric poems. Sorry if my poem fails to hit the mark. But you know, you've got to swing hard if you're going to hit a home run. :-)
Oh, that's a good one. Original? May I steal it?
You've got to swing hard if you're going to hit a home run.
That's something one of my painting teacher's in art school used to say. Vernon Fisher. Look him up online. I don't know if he made that up but I've always liked it.
Vernon Fisher
This is super lovely!
Thanks for posting to my group, Anythingwriting
Thank you so much for reading and commenting Angela. I really appreciate the "super lovely"
oh how curiously wonderful~what a twist up jubilee~
Thank you goddess Purrrrrrrrrrr. I'm sorry I haven't been commenting much lately but I'll be around to catch up shortly. I've been reading your work and it is gut wrenchingly lovely and thrilling as always.
I think you've enacted the perils and consolations of artistic influence here, which is a more ambitious thing than I attempted! To say nothing of doing so within the cramped box of the triolet. For the record, it does seem as if the choice of Cummings was inspired for this form; the verbal compactness and bounce of his shorter lyrics works well in the triolet, and you've really captured that on the "homage side" of your poem. The slash that supplies both "only" and "doglick" as possible (but perhaps exclusive) modifiers for "breath"; the parenthetical "(was just)" that softens the supposed insignificance of "if" being "because" and also implies its potential "justness"; those gestures strike me as vintage Cummings. Well done!
I'm also snickering about the subversion of Cummings as a potential inspiration, the danger of following a poetic mentor "just because," and the strange paths into which that can lead one. I've come back to this poem after your changes, and I think it's clearer for them. Cummings can be a hard read to begin with, so you've undertaken a real challenge with this one.
OMG James! You followed all that?! I thought this one was hopelessly lost. You know that feeling when you put something out into the world and you think "everyone will know I'm crazy now"? I laughed when I wrote it and thought: "No one is going to give this piece a passing glance...except James and he's going to think I've lost my mind." (You and Susan B. were really my only target audience.) Thank you so much for taking the time to puzzle this out. It was sort of like trying to make a hammock out of popsicle sticks - without using glue. I think it definitely could use some clarification, but it was fun exercise. I'm glad you saw the humor in my choice of Cummings.
James puts me to shame as a reader, but I can say that my eyes got bigger and bigger as I read this just now, and by the end I said out loud, "Dang, I couldn't have done that". This is a poem that not only makes you work to see it clearly, but makes you -want- to work to see it clearly-- layers upon layers to be slowly excavated and looked at from various angles. Terrific job, Atticus!
Corrina, Thanks for your more than generous praise. I really appreciate that you took the time to read the poem and see the structure for what it was.
Oh, man...my kind of poetry. To me it was sponatnious "beat" poetry with some surrealistic Ferlingetti, then sprinkle EE on top.. a joy to read, Atticus...thanks
Hey thanks Richard. I'm so glad you enjoyed my little excursion.
Atticus, you've ascended/descended into experiemental poetry, the likes of which evade me. I'm a pragmatic, concrete, ADD girl of humble dirt beginnings.
e.e. cummings was the least favorite of poets to me as a child and as an adult, I don't go there, if you know what I mean. :-)
Bly, Oliver, Nutter, Stevens, Carver, Minczeski, Dickinson, Frost, but no cummings. :-)
otoh, this poem is an excellent mimic/echo of cummings (did you preference one over the other?) so I should not scare you nor seek to diminish your hard-worked Work. Persevere, man!
That's as close as I come to being confusing.
To think I nearly missed this! School's out and I often have five or six kids in the house. Now my four are sleeping, so I have a brain cell or two to rub together.
Susan, thank you so much for taking a look at this. I feel a little guilty. Kind of like I ask you to dinner knowing that you don't like asparagus but that you do like mashed potatoes. But I don't have any potatoes, so I decide to serve you mashed asparagus. I can only hope you like the rest of the meal. ;-) I didn't have one Cummings poem in mind but I am fascinated by some of the poetic gymnastics he performs. Thanks so much for stopping by and reading. I greatly appreciate it. :-)
Thank you my friend.
No, no! I need to broaden my pallet of poetry to be inclusive of all genres. Thank you for the mashed asparagus. Did you cream it as well? If so, I'd like it on my whole-wheat toast. Bon Appetite!
Sounds like e.e. and looks like e.e.
Odd and neat and intriguing. I really like it.