After you move, there's a very short moment when no one knows where you live. Sort of a Zen thing: you're in the Here and Now except only you know where Here is. The moment is fleeting. You want your friends and family to be able to contact you. People to whom you owe money get very nervous when bills are returned marked "Addressee Unknown." Then there are all your friends at the IRS and the DMV, whom you're legally required to inform in a timely manner.
I've found the best way to communicate with government agencies is by mail, over the Internet, any way you can where you're not physically in the their presence. This approach cuts down drastically on the use of handcuffs. Besides, I don't know if the IRS even has offices and the last time I visited the DMV I broke out in hives.
Changing my address online with the DMV was suspiciously simple … until the end. After accepting my address change, I was advised: "Type or write in ink your new address on a small piece of paper, sign and date it. Carry this piece of paper with your license. Do not tape or staple the change of address information to your driver license."
Simple enough, until someone asks for a photo ID; a handwritten address paper-clipped to your license just doesn't have that ring of authenticity merchants have come to expect. I decided to make an upclose and personal visit to the DMV. It went surprisingly well … until the end.
I took a deep breath and opened the DMV door. Opposite a room-wide counter, a couple of dozen chairs lined the wall. Paper-clutching individuals, heads bowed deferentially in the politically correct I-like-my-government-please-don't-hurt-me posture, occupied all but two seats. A nice lady at the information desk gave me a two-page form on a clipboard, a next-in-line number (G159) and pointed me to the Group W bench — no, wait, that's "Alice's Restaurant." Anyway, I sat down against the wall and proceeded to fill out the form.
"Item #1: PURPOSE OF YOUR VISIT." The first part was a multiple-choice question under an area marked "Driver License (DL)." "Change/add class" was the only choice that fit my situation so I firmly checked that box with the "Black Ink Only" pen the nice information lady had given me. Then I noticed, next to "Driver License," another area under Item #1 titled "Name/Change correction." Damn!
"Ready for G157." The pressure was on. Fortunately, the remaining seven parts of the form were yes-no questions. The only item that took time was medical — have I experienced any of the following conditions: loss of consciousness, epilepsy, stroke, cataracts, Parkinson's disease, drug abuse … CATARACTS! I have one of those (I've always been old for my age visually). Really doesn't bother me, just a little fuzziness in part of my field of vision — though, at night, every light looks like a Christmas-tree decoration. I never dropped acid but I imagine the visual effect is similar. Damn! I should've gotten a note from my eye guy: "Johnny has a little cataract, but he drives fine." Too late now. I checked "no" on the form.
"G158." Finished with the form, I glanced around the room. There were filing cabinets, paper stacks, eye charts, computer consoles … EYE CHARTS! Are they going to ask me to take an eye test? I instinctively covered one eye and looked at the chart on the back wall: total blur except for the big "E." OK, that's why I wear glasses. But what if the cataract blurs my vision just enough so I can't quite see the line they ask me to read? I'll be standing there holding my hand over one eye while the tester will be standing there holding my license! If I need to take an eye test, and I fail, will they give me a "fix-it" grace period? Can surgery be scheduled in time? Will I face federal perjury charges for lying on my application? Will Jeff Skilling on Enron fame make fun of me in the Big House? Will I be allowed to drive myself home? Will an officer-of-the law escort me in a squad car?
"G159." That was my signal to leave. On my way out, I trashed the DMV form with the two checkmarks on Item #1. What I need now is a small piece of paper, an ink pen and a paper clip.
P.S. If you're interested the cataract was dealt with at a later time:
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Comments: 93
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I needed a good laugh tonight, and you delivered. Thanks, John!
I really enjoyed this! I too hate the DMV! LOL! And the group W bench, where they all moved away from me!
Great stuff! Our Secretary of State office determined that I'm legally blind in my left eye. Years ago I had laser surgery to repair some blood vessels in it, and it's got kind of a warped or obliterated view. Maybe macular degeneration? Also, did you listen to Art Bell's immigration experience last night? He's living in the Phillipines again with his wife, and he gave the US immigration guys a whole bunch of documentation that he was married -- and they lost them! And since he had to go back to the islands, they wanted him to start the application process over. Sometimes you just can't win with these guys. No wonder I'm a libertarian! Thanks for posting this -- like I always say, "Government is the most expensive form of entertainment!"
John, It seems a fun time was had by all! LOL Thanks for letting me laugh at your "pain." I live in a small city in a different state. It is not quite as bad as your experience! Sometimes you DO get a testy clerk, though. Oh, well... (:o)
Hah! I remembered vaguely thinking these proceedings were dumb when i read about them a few years ago
Very funny John. I always do DMV stuff either on line or at the Auto club, much more civilised!
cool
Thanks, Rodney. Good to see you and your crown.
You're welcome, Kim.
"And the group W bench, where they all moved away from me!"
Yup, Ginger. That's the bench.
"Government is the most expensive form of entertainment!"
An excellent maxim, Visionaerie. Thanks.
"John, It seems a fun time was had by all!"
Not by me, Yvonne. But it all worked out in the end.
"I remembered vaguely thinking these proceedings were dumb when i read about them a few years ago"
Chloe, I can assure you, they're not getting any smarter.
"I always do DMV stuff either on line or at the Auto club, much more civilised!"
I agree, Georgie. That's what I did but this one required a command appearance.
John, I was pathetically trying to be sarcastic. I'm glad it worked out in the end. (:o)
I have to do this on my 83rd birthday this year, damn, and they are going to take a new picture of me since eight years ago, lol, and I have had the cataract surgery and still have trouble at night, but they I can read the chart, and they only make you read it with both eyes, lol, and I know you know that, there is a hearing question on there, my son forgot to check it and has a large hearing aid, but he also had the cataract surgery done, and they gave him the eye test and he passed and he now has no restrictions hearing aid came off too, I think I could get a job with the government, lol.
love it John, of all the days in my life, needed a chuckle tonight, full moon I think.
OMG the thought of it all.
10 4 u
haha
loved it.
I avoid going to the DMV at all costs. Last year my license was up for renewel and I had to take the eye test. One portion of the eye test they ask you if you see the blinking red dot. I never saw it. The girl told me to try again. After the fourth try and I still wasn't seeing it she told me where to look. I wear contacts so I know my vision is fine if I am wearing them but I wonder how many people they let slide who really can't see.
Funny Thanks for sharing
ROFLMBO John!!
I usually do about 15 minutes of stand-up in the DMV line... It passes the time and where else are ya gonna find a captive audience? :o)
i like your Voice.
as the Governator said, a looooong time ago: "I'll be back."
LOL So many questions, so little time!
I lived in San Dego, California, for almost 20 years. I moved there from Michigan, where there is no DMV, so didn't know what to expect the first time I went there. It was horrid!! And every DMV experience I had was horrid!
And you know what made me sickest of? the fact that it doesn't have to be that way.
I moved back to Michigan a few years ago and had to go through the driver's license thing again, of course. It took about 15 minutes, I swear, and this was at a Secretary of State office (where Michigan does their DMV business) on a very busy street, Hall Road in Sterling Heights. I've been to four different Secretary of States since I've been back in Michigan, and my experience in every case was good. The employees were always fast and efficient. And there are loads more Secretary of State offices than there are DMVs, which has a lot to do with it. Heck, in California, my problems with the DMV began in the parking lot. It was worse than trying to find a parking place at the airport!
It is really worthy of chuckles
feeling like a Sunday
Ken, may the gods of satire strike you dumb and release the prisoner you have in your basement.
Now, which was the "toenail fungus treatment" line? You'd think they'd have better signs ...
"Gives me new perspective on the DMV"
Now, James, if we could just give the DMV a new perspective on us :)
"I was pathetically trying to be sarcastic."
No, it was good Yvonne. I was pathetically not paying enough attention as the percales were calling my name.
"I think I could get a job with the government,"
Elsie, speaking as a taxpayer citizen, I wish you would.
Glad you liked it, ♠~Dnbuster~♠ ~.
"After the fourth try and I still wasn't seeing it she told me where to look. "
Uh, Linda, could I have that girl's name. You know. Just in case.
Thanks, Jeanette.
"I usually do about 15 minutes of stand-up in the DMV line"
Jean, let's try to coordinate our DMV visits — somewhere in between like Santa Rosa? I could use a little entertainment and I'd be willing to hold your hat.
Last time I went there, I stood inline for one hour, fifteen minutes. I decided to play games with the many people in front of me. I rated everyone's hair. Almost all had dreadful hair styles. Then I decided, based on appearance, which people should be allowed to have children. The time still seemed endless.
EV-ver!!!
Loved your article today on that. Thanks.
Thanks, Cristina.
"as the Governator said, a looooong time ago: "I'll be back."
Thanks, Thomas.
I know there are a lot of people right now thinking "not so fast."
"So many questions, so little time!"
That's the gov biz for you, Mary.
"every DMV experience I had was horrid!"
Elizabeth, are you casting dispersions on the fine citizens of California? :)
Thanks, Kushal.
"I'm having cataract surgery Thurs. That gives me a year & a half to think that this is funny"
That's about how long it should take, Jim.
But read the "Cataract be gone" article before your surgery. Really, it's a walk in the park except for the hospital gown that shows your hiney.
Funny.
"Government is the most expensive form of entertainment." Thanks, Visionaire. I will keep that gem in my kit for a long time. John - You have found (probably not for the first time) a well of humor material. Having worked for government, I can assure you that the DMV is only a tad part of the source. The Department of Defence is right up there, too.
Rest easy
It seems thaqt no matter where you live the only differences are the acronyms of agencies.
When I went into the DMZ (excuse me - DMV) the last time to renew my liscense, the clerk asked me if I wanted a new photo. Always correct in my language, I replied that I wanted a "better" photo. Her remark? "We can only do so much with what we have to work with, sir." After pausing to consider the implications of that remark, I declined the new photo.
Thanks, Rachel.
" You have found (probably not for the first time) a well of humor material."
I understand, Bill. But the research is so depressing ...
"It seems thaqt no matter where you live the only differences are the acronyms of agencies."
I think you're right, Peter.
I bet there's a massive training school somewhere for all government personnel where they teach them to all behave the same.
Funny story, Richard. I wonder how many people want their pictures retaken? A lot, I bet. The DMV should charge and turn a profit for a change.
Love DMZ "slip." Thanks.
Hmm, I noticed a lot of things go surprisingly well … until the end.
A very funny post.
:) They are pretty lenient on the eye test, I think you are allowed to miss one letter - but who wants to take the chance
You can do it on line there? Great!!! We don't have that here yet. A policeman who stopped me told me that I had broken the law by not having my driver's licence re-issued after changing my address (Reissued??? They don't come cheap you know)
So we usually wait until it's time to renew it and lie to the police. (Got away with not paying for a ticket once. SSSHHH . . . Don't tell anybody in Jamaica.)
Check out my latest post John. It's not as raunchy as the titie makes it sound.
"I noticed a lot of things go surprisingly well … until the end"
A.F. that's just Mother Nature's way of making a fool out of us.
That's it, Sunaura. I didn't want to take the chance while she was holding my license.
Dennis, apparently you can only do certain license-related things online.
I'm overloaded today and on my way out. I'll try for your post tomorrow.
I just spent a day at the DMV a couple weeks ago - so painful! Thanks for the chuckle!
That is why I went to the eye doctor before time to go to the dmv. Only wanted glasses if it were necessary. Had always passed eye test with flying colors. But the last time, they told me next time beware I may have to wear glasses. Not taking any chances. I had the catarac removed and they put in a corrective permantet contac lens. Now it feel like glass in my eye all the time and it hurts like the devil. I p;assed the eye test, got my liscese now cant see a darn thing. LOL
You're welcome, Heidi.
Donald, sorry about all that. Hope it clears up soon (no pun intended.)
Imagine an agency charged with licensing drivers wanting to make sure drivers can effing see! The nerve of those idiots.
LOL. This is so true to life. I'm also cracking up at Chris' comment above. Some people have no sense of humor. I think it's even a requirement for government employees. Others just have no sense.
So much drama in a little form eh?
Te he!
Angela, it's how the government keeps you on your toes —
and keep themselves from dying of boredom.
"asked me if I wanted to be an organ donor. My response was, "not yet!"
Chris, I understand they give you a discount on your license fee if you leave an organ at the counter — you might want to rethink your position on this.
"Imagine an agency charged with licensing drivers wanting to make sure drivers can effing see!"
Mark, it's all part of the government's Zero Defects policy. :)
"Some people have no sense of humor. "
You're correct Jan. The thing you don't want to do during a government job interview is to smile.
You seem to have problems with endings, John, lol! Oh I hated visiting DMV in California. No matter when I went in there was a three deep line. I like it better out here in Missouri, only in the rurals it's call Department of Revenue. The only down side is you have to listen to all the town gossip before you get your turn and then she wants to know your gossip and holds your license hostage until you comply--resistance is futile, lol!
Sia, that sounds like and ending problem as well :)
Lol good one John. I enjoyed the part about the medical conditions and eye examines. Hm...something that never made sense to me is that they never change your height from the time you get your license...till ever. Mine still says 4'11" (I'm 5'1" now) and I have another friend whose license says he's 5'10" and he's really 6'3"
Rebecca, they do that height thing after being lobbied by AARP. When people start shrinking they don't want to advertise it.
funny, great one!
It's very funny!!! but also sad that it's true.
Thanks, Blaine.
The irony of humor, Teresa. It is the flip side of sad.
HA HA!! I try not to interact with government agencies either! It's way, way, too hard to do!
I'm off to read about the cateracts now!
K D, even using the word "interact" is making a big assumption when dealing with the government.
You know, I think you are right!
thanks!
You're welcome, Chas.
lol
Thanks, Golds.
Funny one John. I hate those places . If something is going to go wrong it will.lol. A very good story. It brought back some memories and a smile.
Glad it did, Howard.
As you can tell they're not my favorite place either — and, God forbid, you have something out of the ordinary.
This is funny
That's what I was going for, Shelbia. Thanks.