Seems an odd question, doesn't it? It's one I've tossed around in my head for the past 11 years, since I first spoke to my biological mother, brother and a sister over the phone -- our first reunion since I was an infant.
It was mind-blowing enough to not only speak to my birth mother for the first time in my recollection, but to find out instantly that I had two siblings. But wait, there's more. Before Mom settled down with the father of those two siblings, they had a child (my father was another man). They decided they weren't ready and gave that daughter up for adoption. She is out there somewhere. Is she dead or alive? I just don't know. I might never find out.
Recently my brother mentioned that he had just found out there was another sister out there. It really shook him up. I thought all this time that he knew. But then, when I "found" my birth mom, I was a young mother myself and my brother was still a teenager living at home. I told him that I would work with him to find her, if that was something he wanted to do. After much searching, including -- a shout out here -- to Paul Brown of the Adoptee's Miracle Search's help (http://www.miraclesearch.com/Adoption_Investigators_Note.html), I did after all find our mother and that led to finding my brother as well. I did this with only a handful of details to start with and managed it. He has not responded on this but has kept in touch on other things but I know the wound and shock of this new knowledge is still fresh and painful for him. I am letting him deal with this his own way.
Why wouldn't I want to search for this long lost sister, you might ask? Wouldn't I just be dying to find out what happened to her, how she turned out, if I could add this person back into my family tree and fill in the blanks? There's more to it than that.
When I searched for my birth mother, I was ten years younger. I had one child, not five, as I do now. I followed the advice of fellow searchers and expected nothing. I knew that there was a chance my birth mother might reject me. Thankfully she didn't but she has issues. Enough so that in those ten years I have not saved up the money to meet her in person, because I worry what personal state she might be in when my family and I walk up to her door, and what effect this might have on my kids, not to mention on me! I can't add drama to my life right now -- we don't need drama!
But it isn't the fear of the unknown that holds me back from searching for this other sister. It is that I remember how consuming the searching process is. You spend hours surfing the web, trying to follow up any possible lead, no matter how remote. You think of something that might lead to results while you're out with your family, or trying to get to sleep at night. You need to drop what you're doing and write it down, make a phone call (or a dozen) or surf that web some more to figure this latest hint out. And it probably will pan out to be nothing . . . again. It eats you up -- and you can easily obsess over it. It is SO personal!
Also, my details are sketchy. I know her first and middle given name at birth, and probably the last name (it is a toss up between three choices but one is most likely by far). The birth year is somewhere between mine and my brother's -- a four year span. Not helpful when free registries for searchers often require at least a birth year. What state was she born in? I have no idea. Somewhere in the midwest is most likely but again, that's pretty vague! No birth month or date. With me, I was able to get a ton of info vital to my search by playing dumb and calling about my baptismal records. I got a clerk who didn't see the note about adoption/confidentiality and spilled it all. She never told me another thing and in fact chased me out of the church office later that year when I traveled across 6 states to visit and try to find out more!
What kind of person is she? Some people are users -- I mean of other people. I can't get caught up in silly drama, as I said earlier. Maybe she is the sweetest person I could ever hope to meet, a potential best friend. Did she ever know she was adopted? Would finding her rock everything she ever knew??
So, it's a lot to consider. At this point I am trying to drop it, to not even mention it to my brother unless and until he brings it up again -- I think he may, at some point in the future. I could always take up the hunt on my own, without mentioning more to him. Part of me has an itch to do so, but emotionally I don't have enough to devote to that venture at this point in my life. My husband and kids need me. My brother is single but has his own issues going on. Could he devote the necessary energy to this? I don't think he's there right now either.
I know it's kinda hard to envision yourself in this position unless you have been there, and not many folks have long lost siblings hidden somewhere! It's one of those things you can't really fully grasp the enormity of unless you're in the midst of it, I guess. Just interested to see how others might react if they were in the same position.
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Comments: 37
best of luck with what you do
I know what you are going through. I have 3 half brothers one is dead, one I dont know, and the third is my fathers namesake and is 72! I have googled his house and have seen it(about 70 miles away) but my mom being pregnant with me is why my dad left them and I guess they hate me. So i just leave it alone and go on, as I found my neice and everything was great and then nothing. She doesnt write or email or anything. I was so excited to find her and all of a sudden she seems to not want anything to do with me. I dont know why but it is hard to deal with all the issues.
Let your brother deal with it in his own way. and if you wanna still look thats up to you. If you need any help, I am here!
I just don't know what to say. This is a hard subject. Good luck with your search Mary.
You got to be ready for this, if you are not ready then do what you feel is right. Your brother needs to do what he feels is right for him. Whatever you choose best of luck.
I have wondered how I would handle James as time goes. He knows his biological mom as Laura and yet his story is out there so its not like it is hid. Still I worry how to handle his questions as they come. Prayers with you.
This is a very hard one. I've posted about my dad and him not being here for father's day and have put pictures on. well this father is my step father and I feel as if he is my real dad. The other dad ~ I guess the real one I have never met and have never wanted to. Some of my siblings have wanted to but no one has every looked for him. I was just going on one years old and he didn't look for me so I figured whatever. I've got a great dad right here! but with you ~ wow ~ a sibling is different. Neither one of you made these choices and maybe she is looking for you too or maybe she doesn't know. You are going to have to really prayer and think of what you truely want. If you want to meet her go for it. Good luck with everything!
That's hard. Maybe she knows and is looking, and it would be healing for her; maybe she's just fine - so many possibilities. Mine all found me so I didn't have to make that decision, just the decision to allow them into my life and how much. Sometimes that was healing, sometimes it just was... what it was: good, bad, and neutral all wrapped in one. If it were me, I think I'd pursue it as much as I could, when I had the energy to do so, and if I felt like it, expecting nothing, as you said.
I have a half sister I recently met. At first we clicked great! She had her baby and I kept her son for a few days and I have not seen her since. She used to call alot and I never had time to tlak.. she literally would call and talk for an hour about her other brother and sister like I have nay idea who they even are. I have 4 children and no time for an hour long conversation. When she was in the hospital and I visited her I got to see more of her and I just cant get myself to get closer. She lives about an hour away from me and I just dont have time to go much. I feel bad but I dont see my brother much either whom Im close with and grew up with., Just we have opur own lives and families so the time together is slim.. I would definitly go with your heart on this though! You may never let it go until you at least know more or something!
You got to do what is best for your state of mind. If you are ready for the challenge the go for it, if not, then let it be untill the brother makes his decision. Whatever you decide, best of luck!
I hope you find her, or whatever you want to happened, best of luck! =)
Only cause I've been there, I'm going to leave a comment. It's really totally up to you, though.
I have 2 sisters I was raised with and one who was born when I was 11, who was put up for adoption. All 3 of us girls from the same household were looking for her without telling the other 2. One Christmas one of my sisters received a free search from one of the services she had signed up for and they found our little sister. There was a huge reunion with my two sisters who were raised with me ending up hating each other more than they did before and vowing never to speak to each other again, and with my mother deciding she didn't want to have anything to do with the one she put up for adoption cause it caused issues to come up and us kids to ask the hard questions (which of course there are always answer to). So, besides the fact that me and my adopted-out sister talk to one another occasionally talk to each other online, life has gone back to how it was before we found her, EXCEPT: I know she had a wonderful life with a mother and father who gave her literally everything. I know she is an alcoholic like many other members of our family. I know she looks more like me than my other sisters do (they look like twins only with different color hair). And, I know that she knows I'm here if she ever needs me. To me, those things have brought more of a peaceful feeling into my life. I am so glad we found her. Now, I don't look at every face that belongs to a 40-something woman that passes me on the street and wonder if she's my sister.
Personally I would have to look for my sister if only to have some type of closure. It is a tough decision to make. Good luck Mary! If your unsure then put it on the back burner for now you can also pick up the search later.
you can look for her but don't expect to much
go for it
There's a difference between "searching for" and a desire "to meet". Discovery of an unknown sibling/family member should be a joy, not shaking up your world. There are lots more than you think. Looking into my family, I was impressed to find my father was the last of 13 children. Yikes. I never even knew my grandfather/grandmother names. As the pieces unfolded, so did the strange relationships. Out of wedlock, adoptions, multiple parents, etc. Depends who you talked to, if the story was anger, hate, disgust, gossip, or the facts of the matter.
"Add this person BACK into the family tree"?? Why was she ever removed?? Genealogy is nothing more than a presentation of biological family facts. Who's who. She is a part of this. There is no BS or gossip included. I presume your mother isn't going to help by telling the birth date? You're right on one thing.....the amount of work is incredible.
So searching to complete a family tree is one thing.
Trying to fullfill a need of making personal contact or establishing a relationship is another. Filling out my family tree has resulted in interest, and contact with, "strange new relatives" ....... but I will probably never be 'close' to them.
Good luck in your challenge.
Wow - you have a tough decision to make- I wish I had an answer, but best of luck to you
I wish you luck in whatever you decide is right for you
I wish you luck with whatever decision you make.
When my sister's son came to work for us he moved back to our hometown. He had no idea that he had a sister who was given up for adoption. My husband and I asked my sister to tell him because a lot of people in the area knew about her.
My nephew did not really care about it and has no interest in finding his sister.
I talked to my brother on the phone today -- first time I heard his voice since the night I located my birth mother about 11 years ago. Much healing for us both there, I think. He would like me to try to start tracking our sister down. For him this is a 100% biological sister, for me what some would call a "half" sister. To me, family is family, blood or not, so I consider him my brother and her my sister. I got a state where she was born, and knocked off one possible birth year, so now I'm down to two choices there. It's a start. I guess I'll take it slow and see what I can find out over time. In the meantime my birthmom is not doing that great healthwise and he wants me to send her some photos. He said there is one photo from my wedding where he saw it online and wondered where I got a photo of our other sister's wedding! He said even old family friends asked where he got that photo of our sister. LOL. How odd to me -- until I saw old photos of my birth mom's siblings, the only place I saw my likeness was in the mirror or in my babies' faces.
Only you will know when and if you are ready. Good luck with everything!
If it were me, I would have to look.
i would follow my heart, where it led me i would go
here form helping hands
Gee, what are your instincts telling you? Also, could your birth mother provide infomation for a proper search? Keep us posted on what happens!
That would be a hard desicion. I have half-siblings from my Dad & I send them Christmas cards every single year & never hear a word from them.
Pray about it if it was me I'd like to find her even just to meet if nothing becomes of it at least you tried.....good luck ~~hh
If it were me, I would search for her. It wouldn't necessarily be about trying to form a bond but simply to fill in those blanks.
best of luck
It's still your decision to make, doesn't sound like you are very comfortable with the idea.
That's a tough call. I don't envy your having to make that decision.
It's a very hard decision and I totally understand. HH
I would not want to be in your shoes.
I think you should seek out your sister. If she doesn't want anything to do with you, that will be hard but at least she will know you are out there. I have a sister who I haven't seen in 8 years. She doesn't want anything to do with me or my family. I don't understand at all and have tried to contact her. Now she has moved and the post office can't find her. I have one relative who I can contact. I would love to see her again. Maybe one day!
I think when the time is right, you will know it. It will happen.
I wish you the best in whatever decision you make. Alison is right, when the time is right, you will know it.
You have such a good heart that I am absolutely certain that you make the right choice. I am glad I am not in your position. Do know you have friends who you can go to who will support you no matter what!
I have a cousin out there somewhere, I think about him from time to time, but I seriously doubt I will ever go looking for him. I know it's not nearly as personal as what you are going through. I mean, I have his mom in my life... and his little sister. I think it's just one of those things that you will need to work out for yourself. Just remember to be sure your right before you go ahead. By that I mean that this is not something that you will want to enter having ANY feelings of doubt in your head. HH
Listen to your heart and follow it! If I were you, I will go for it and try with my best, or I will regret later. Good luck Mary.
I wish you luck with whatever you decide. You're right; one can't possibly know what they course he or she would take in your position, unless they'd been there. I can only imagine.