As some of you know I went through an experience no-one should ever have to go through, holding a child as it takes it last breath. Yesterday afternoon, I went into an emotional breakdown, and now it has turned into real anger.
I am angry at the mother for not being responsible for her children. I am angry at the neighbors around her that didn't not pay attention to what may have been going on. I am alittle angry at her family for not stepping in. And I am angry that that CPS had not stepped in earlier.
No parent should have to bury their child. It happens, I know. I seen it at happen to many times. One with gang violence, but most were parents whose children have joined the military. (in my age group, our children are adults..in fact, quite a few of my friends are grandparents.)
The women in question yesterday was 24 years old, single and living off of the goverment. The children are 7 (was), 4 and 2. She was known for leaving the children alone to hit the bars around her neighborhood. The home is filty and the children were filthy. The yard is filled with garbage and broken toys, so it was apparant to the neighbors what kind of "mother" she was. But no-one stepped in and said "STOP". I cannot speak about her family as I do not know if they stopped by her home, but I am sure they saw what the children looked like and to me that is enough to yell "STOP". This woman lived off welfare, where was the workers involved? Why didn't they see the condition of the home and the children? Why were they not there taking those children out of that home and putting them where they were properly taken care of?
Why...why....why.
Of course, I will get no response. But I can be angry about it. And anger is good.
I ask that if you see a parent who is not responsible...step up, say something. Get involved one way or another. You can call CPS without giving your name. If they don't respond, push them, pull them...get angry with them.
No child should have to live in squalor as I discovered this family was. My response is if you have children, get off your damn ass and get a job...any job. You can still get healthcare and foodstamps for the children, it is just you who loses out...and right now, I say who cares....those children should come first. Clean your finning house. Cleaning everyday for 15 minutes at least will keep it reasonable. I work full time and have a family, and I wash my floor everyday, vac. every other day, do laundry every day...and I also cook two meals a day and still have time to goof off on the puter, spend time with my family and get my real writing done.
If you cannot afford to get a sitter, stay home and do some constructive for yourself...watch a movie, read a book...start a scrapbook. Or if you really want that glass of beerm wait till after the kids are in bed and pour a nice cold one and relax..invite an adult friend over and sit in the kitchen. When my son was younger and we could not afford a sitter, after he went to bed my dh and I would have a friend or two over, have a couple drinks in the kitchen and sit and play cribbage or rummy. You don't have to miss out on adult time because you have young children.
If you are overwhelmed with your children, ask family to step in if you can, or friends. Have someone take the kids for a weekend, explain it is just too much right now. You will find friends or family that understand and will give a helping hand. I, luckily, never had to do this as I had a good friend that we would do trade offs once a month. (I had only one, she had four)
These are just my suggestions....take them to heart or not. But please, pay attention to your surroundings, listen and see.
You might save a small child's life.
recommend this
email
print
link to this page
Comments: 36
Silence is a killer~
Children need all of us to advocate~to hold safe~it takes a village~truly
My heart for you~
a six year old was forced imto mothering her 4 year old sister last year by my house for the reason of drug mother. mother is in prison now, father is also druggie in prison..both children were picked up by DCF and taken to foster home.. I cried a bit, for the girls were awesome lil things, but i KNOW they will be taken care of now instead of out in the middle of the street at 2AM, looking for mommy...it just breaks my heart!
Tragic. The only one's who KNOW how tragic, are the one's dying like this- OR maybe even worse the one's who lived through this OR something similar.
This is so true. I once had a neighbor who was letting her young children (still wearing diapers because that's all they were in) run around outside with no supervision. Cars would come around the corner and almost hit them. Another neighbor and I both witnessed this and we called the police and DCFS. She got her children taken away. I don't know what ever happened in the end because she moved away from "nosy neighbors."
I don't know about other states, but in MI it's RARE for a social worker to visit a houe, unless someone calls DCS. Being on welfare dosen't automatically get a visit any more, but I'm thinking it should.
very true, It is a shame that here in MI they don't do more checking if they did I am sure they would see how much people around here abuse and get away with stuff..
Nellie we all need to look out for the children....everyones children.
A childs safty should be of upmost concern to the entire community. I have strong feelings about child abuse and neglect ( which is abuse also ) I have seen far too much of it myself.
It's not just walfare moms amd dad who abuse.
No, of course it's not. I've known affluent families with kids in rags, and mom with a black eye. It's just as sad then too. I think we're all just reacting to THIS situation.
Elizabeth makes a great point. Just because you are on welfare doesnt translate to any DHS worker will ever visit you. They just want to make sure you arent working and make sure you continue to qualify for food stamps and FIP.
Also I would like to say even parents that arent on welfare dont automatically get a pass.
Having a job or a nice home or whatever doesnt make you any better parent. As well as being on welfare doesnt automatically make you a bad parent.
Vivian great minds. We cross posted.
I agree with you. It breaks my heart with what happen to you yesterday. I can't blame you for being angry either.
I can't believe the mom was too busy getting drunk to care about her 3 kids that is just too sad.
I always said that if someone is on the welfare program that the worker needs to stop in at least once a month to make sure food is being bought (I know about the transfer of money for foodstamps...even the debit cards are being used as such)....and the home is cleaned and to make sure the parents are overwhelmed.
and believe me, I know it isn't the welfare parents always..my "bio" was never on welfare, she always a wad of money in her purse and banking account...and she was never a Mother. I was a keylatch kid since I was 4 yrs. old and was responsible for starting dinner for when she got off of work.
Very sad. It takes a village.
Even a sober mom can get overwhlemed by 3 kids.
It is incredibly sad. We need more "support" programs for single moms. We need more parenting classes. Or maybe we need licenses before we are allowed to have children.
I believe we need more intervention/suport BEFORE women get pregnant! Low self-esteem, poverty, drug addictions, "skeletons", etc seems lead to TOO MANY women getting into destructive, abusive relationships that often lead to unwanted pregnancies. Kids born into these types of situations are really, really at risk!
Agreed!! Education about family planning and parenting, plus education about mental health and living a healthy life ... all that kind of stuff. I feel so sorry for the kids in this situation.
Having a job or a nice home or whatever doesnt make you any better parent. As well as being on welfare doesnt automatically make you a bad parent."
Well said, Lori.
I have always believed "it takes a village".
Nellie, I meant to comment yesterday on what happened, but it was so sad, I was crying, and I couldn't form a thought. I'm crying again, however, in light of the news about the mother and all. Bless you for holding it together to point out here how important it is to be involved. Sometimes being the nosy neighbor might just save a child's life. This is just so tragic.
Big hugs, tears, and lots of love for you, friend.
Mandy
Nellie my heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry that you had to go through such a thing. I'm sorry that two kids lost their big sister. That a mom, no matter how bad a mother she was, lost her child. That people lost a family member, a friend. I have 3 kids ages 7, 4 and 1 and to think that they could be gone in the blink of an eye...
My niece's aunt on her dad's side went through a similar thing, only a child was riding his bike on Halloween. The driver wasn't paying attention and the child wasn't paying attention. He died in her arms while she tried to comfort him.
Too many people seems to think someone else is watching.
Get madder.
we ALL should
great comment bunny
Thanks Bunny. And yes Vivian...I think we should always get madder because that seems to be the only time others step up and say enough is enough.
I feel your pain and anger my friend. And I agree, parents should not bury their child. I buried my only child in 2002. It just should not be allowed to happen. I wish I had a solution, there are lots of good ideas here, but they must be implemented to work. It will take lots of people getting involved before we see a change. And in the meantime, the innocent children suffer.
Helping such children costs money, and Americans are not willing to spend it. Look at the uninsured, the homeless, the lack of parenting classes, the lack of enough social workers so that each is not overwhelmed with cases.
I couldn't comment on this yesterday because I didn't know the situation of the mother. Although we all jump to conclusions on the mother, I'm sure there are a few people sitting on Gather that have left their child alone for a little while to run to the corner store, or whatever the case may be. It's a tragedy and as of yesterday, I wasn't willing to write the mother off. No one knows the situation, while it is tragic that she was at a bar and didn't know what her daughter was doing, I still wasn't willing to jump on her for making the choice such as this. I can probably dig deep and find a time or two that at 7 I was left alone for a little while and nothing happened, so my mom isn't called the things she would have been had something like this happened.
HOWEVER, after learning that this is her M.O., it makes me mad. It makes me mad that there were not family or friends to be there to help the kids out. Neighbors may not always know the full story, or want to interfere in other's lives, so they sit back mum. But for family and friends, I don't believe there's an excuse. If this mother did this a lot, then I'd question who was with her--why didn't they sit home? Why didn't they find a sitter? Someone close to the family should have been able to see this, yet far too often, nothing is said.
I also agree that I wouldn't blame anything on welfare or the welfare system. I've seen parents that were well-to-do that should have had kids taken away from them. I've seen welfare parents that were the best parents ever. It's all in how the parents are.
With all that being said, I still cannot fathom what you went through Nellie. I would probably be in the same boat as you. I would be angry. I would have millions of questions. I would want to know WHY WHY WHY. Far too often, we don't get the answers to the questions we're looking for.
Maybe if people actually made an effort to report these types of cases there would be less cases such as mine... where my children were taken for NOTHING. And there were drug users and parents that let their children run hither and yon with poop running down their legs. People yelling at their children and telling them they didn't want them anymore. I lived in the middle of dfs paradise! I even had a neighbor that was forcing her 10 year old daughter to be intimate with her boyfriend so she could 'prove who is better'! I cannot imagine the pain of seeing your child take their last breath in front of you. But, I have had the pain of having my children pulled from my arms. They were screaming and crying for their mommy and I had no say in the matter what so ever. I may get them back, I'm fighting for them every bit I can... but I may not (there are those who would benefit if I didn't, and they are doing everything they can to try to make sure I don't!) I never made calls on anyone before because I was afraid of the fall back, in the small town I lived in... you knew who is was if someone called. But, I won't be afraid any more. I can't! If the people who really were bad parents had their children in the system... we wouldn't have had bored social workers in my town ready to take any case they could get their hands on in. And that is the sad truth of it. So, I second the petition. CALL!
You reaction just proves you're human, despite your claims to the contrary. Why, indeed? Being one with no life and the time to sit and observe; one of my favorite things to do is relax and watch the world around me. I pay attention to my surroundings and like to keep abreast as to what's going on. Even in a high-profile district like the one I live in, I can scan the crowd and pick out the ones who really don't belong here...at least not for the same reasons as all the others. I even knew of a convicted pedophile who moved one block away from an elementary school. He relocated from the area three months into his lease. They wouldn't let him have his computer back, either. There's a church down the street. That's the only kind of 'preying' we want here. Belongings can even be left outside overnight here. There are many eyes pating attention as to what goes on around here. We not only need to keep and eye open for ourselves, but watch out for others, too.
The problem is people are so busy now a days that they don't know their neighbors. I am one like that. I don't know my neighbors. I do know a few. But not all. . Neighbors need to keep an eye out on each other. If kids are being abused..the cops need called. Even if you have to keep calling til someone listens. Hopefully it won't be late like in many cases down here in southern Florida.
I've never understood how a person that can't scrape up enough money to buy food for their kids can come up with enough to sit their butts at a bar and get wasted.
I'm guilty of not knowing my neighbors. I use to but since we've moved into this area we just wave like the rest. HOWEVER, for some reason all of the kids in the area seem to think we like them. LOL We've had a little girl that has been visiting us on a regular basis since she was 3. She's 6 now and we still can't figure out where she lives. How sad is that? We live a block away from a lake. So does she. Then there are a couple little boys that will come and sit by us and just talk when we're outside. I don't think any of the kids here get the attention they deserve and we treat them like normal little humans instead of pests. Actually they are fun. This area use to be the pits from what I understand. I think these kids are the last of 'those' people. It makes me sad but I think we make them a little happy when we show them a little attention. I remember the first time we met the little girl her mom and 'uncle' were at the bar up the road. She was being watched by her older brother. We assumed he was a teen. HA!! Later found out he was 5.
People are crazy, selfish and just plain don't think. If anything ever happened to all of the kids around here that we have hanging around once in a while, I'd be devastated especially if I thought I could've done something about it.
I know you're angry. I'd be furious myself.
Nellie, there is strength and power in your anger. You brought out so many positive suggestion here. You are a remarkable woman who I think has turned such a tragic incident into a learning experience for all here. I have no other words to say but to wish you peace.
Grems
i have anonymously called CPS on a couple whose children were living in squalor and horrible conditions... it felt good to do it.
I have to say that I am happy you are expressing your feelings. People really do need a wake up call. If they suspect anything wrong, make a call. It's not hard and if there is a problem, you might just save a child. Thank you Nellie!