I am so ticked off at my ex-husband I could scream. Actually, last night I almost called him on the phone to do just that.
M is the father of my teenguy. We divorced by the time the now-teen was just two years old, I married my DH when the little guy was three and DH has been his DAD all these years. My son learned to dislike his bio dad for the same reasons I did (he's an extremely selfish and often nasty individual), but he learned it on his own with his visits, I did not influence him as many mothers do. I know that a mother who influences her child/children against their spouse is only going to get it all back later when they're older. I divorced him after he tried using me as a punching bag (I finally hit him back one day) and he asked me to stop mourning my daughters' death five weeks after she was killed. Yeah, real sensitive guy.
We moved away from the ex first by about 100 miles when DH and I were married, and now by 1100 miles in 2005. He always had access to the teen by phone and arranged visits. Since about the age of 8, the teen has dreaded these visits, and after receiving physical and emotional abuse from the ex's parents, he refused to visit them anymore. Can you imagine a 'loving' grandparent who locks a child in a closet, tells them lies about his mother (the child knew they were lies), and spanks at the slightest provocation (yes, with the father present) 'loving'? Gee, the ex wonders why when he was here and called his mother, the teenguy refused to talk to her.
Since we moved far away, teenguys 'father' (he calls him by his name, and hates when I refer to him as 'father') has made the trip to see him twice a year. The first year, I even had the guy over for dinner and was very nice to him. The next year he came to pick up my son and knowing my husband was not going to be home, started such a huge fight with me, threatened me, and had me so shook up the teen pulled him out of the house before I went to get the shotgun. My son remembers the incident so clearly he just laughs when bio-dad asks him 'is your mother STILL mad at me?'. Um, yup she sure is. He has not been allowed to step foot in my house since.
My husband and I make sure every Christmas, Fathers' Day and his birthday, that there has always been a gift and card for teen to give to him. We've paid for them and even the shipping when the holiday rolls around and there isn't a visit. It's never good enough. He has actually asked my teen for specific gifts! One year it was a book that cost $30. Where did he think the kid was going to get the money for this AND pay for it to be shipped to him? Well, of course ME. To keep peace, we've tried to be agreeable. Everytime we've purchased him something and the teen gave it to him, there was a problem. He asked for slippers this past Christmas, gave son the size and we went and bought them, paid the shipping (which came to more than the slippers) and he told the teen 'they don't fit right, but I guess they're alright'. Teen gave him a shirt and hat combo one year that said something about 'world's best dad' (ok so it wasn't true but he was trying to be nice) and the bio's reaction was, oh, yeah, you know I'm never going to wear it.
This year took the cake. The old man was here this past week. My husband and I made sure we picked up a shirt and a card for Fathers' Day and gave it to the teen who wrapped it and proudly gave it to him the day before he left to go home. He didn't really thank the poor kid, told him he thinks it might be too small (it's a medium, and the man has been a medium since I knew him and still is). He then asked where he bought it. He told him Walmart. I knew what was coming and told my husband the SOB is going to try to return it or have his MOMMY do it when he gets back up north.
M and his parents!
Came Friday, the day the pig is going back home, my teen had to work that morning so they said their goodbyes on Thursday evening. The pig calls last night and TELLS the boy that he went to Walmart before he left and RETURNED the shirt, exchanged it for another. I could not believe it! The teen came into our room with the phone while he was talking to him and when I heard him say, 'oh, so you exchanged it' I started yelling "HOW RUDE" "HOW INSENSITIVE".
So I spent another night sitting in my bedroom, unable to sleep for another hour because I was so furious. My husband was quite ticked off also and said "We're NEVER buying another thing for that A**hole".
Am I wrong here? Am I missing something? I'd NEVER tell someone I exchanged their gift for any reason! If it's something I really can't use or hate, I have always accepted it gracefully, said how much I like it or could really use it and then either quietly put it away, donated it or even re-gifted to someone who could use it.
I'm torn between just letting it go and doing as my husband suggested and not ever again get this selfish pig anything from the boy, and really ripping into him. How do you do that to your own child? I still have the bead and macaronni necklaces and jewelry that he made for me as a small child! His 'artwork' too. How can someone be so insensitive to their own child? The last time I spoke to him when we were fighting I asked him what he would do if his son didn't want to see him anymore and told him not to come visit. His response was priceless. He told me "I'd come anyway, because I can".
Any suggestions?
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Comments: 81
I should add here that they had a conversation this past week, and my ex said something about 'things being different if he and I had stayed together'. My teen laughed and said 'yeah, you'd be dead and she'd be coming up for parole about now'! Too true.
lol well I'd send you prison packages and vouch for you at your parole hearing LOL :)
sounds like teen guy has a pretty good sence of humor about your relationship - and that is good
oh Katie I am so sorry- that he would tell teenguy things like that about gifts he have given him!! i would be furious too!!! and NO I would never get him another gift ever again. It is not required so don't do it!
Sounds like a real loser to me. I could never do that to any of my kids; just can't see it as normal I guess. Maybe teen-guy should just send a card in future and he will be lucky to get that? Sorry for all the problems.... take care.
I guess that's why I get so angry John. I know it hurts the kid and that hurts me twice.
I understand, not too many things worse than seeing your children hurt by somebody. I would be angry too... wish I could give some worthwhile ideas.
oh my! at least he could have done is return it without saying anything! I wouldn't buy that pig anything! and if he says where is my gift, say at the damn store, go buy it your self! I would be mad! but I wouldn't lose sleep over it. the pig only comes around twice a year if that? your teenboy knows how he is and has tried, let it at that! going off on him just ain't worth the energy.
That's what I thought too kimberly. I KNOW my son didn't ASK him if he returned it, the pig volunteered that informattion! UGGGHHH
what an A-Hole!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
he is NOT a FATHER, Katie, just a donator of sperm.... I think your teen guy realizes this also. The man that raised him is DAD...Big difference! I am SOOOO glad teen guy is wise enough to know sometimes blood doesn't mean having to deal with a relative.(( as in the Grandparents)) Quit letting the Swine pull your strings...... :)
ha ha... I just saw the comment about what your teen said about you coming up for ''parole"..... he seems to have a handle on the truth,yea for Him!
Yes penni, he does realize the difference and has for quite a few years now. As I said, he gets very angry if I say 'your father' and I'm refering to M. He yells WHAT/WHO and then I correct myself, lol.
I always got along with my ex, except for the first one... I think HE is a relative of Your swine-in-laws,lol.......
It's funny, but I do refer to M as my sons' sperm donor. I never even took his name when we were married because as soon as we were, he started acting the fool. My son needed his birth certificate and saw that I kept my name on the birth certificate. I was in the hospital under my insurance from work, so that's how I was listed.
weird, because I did the same thing,namewise...
I would leave it up to your son. If he wants his father to get a gift fine, if not then I wouldn't.
Your ex will never change. Thank goodness you won't have to deal with this SOB in a few years..............
I sure am sorry you have an a**hole for an Ex! BTW, I really think his size may not be a medium anymore,judging from looking at the photo !! LOL!
Lol, Phil.
Katie Scarlet ,your enemies are my enemies . May the fleas from a thousand camels infest the tent of " M ".
Judging from the way he kept his last apartment (I haven't seen one for at least 10 years), they probably already did phil, lol lol.
Oh, y'all are being far too kind. He's more of a %$#%%&! (You didn't flag this post, so I can't use the real words.) He's lower than pond scum. Here he is blessed with a child and this is how he treats the kid. I'd love to have a boy...and can't have children. (I almost did with my second fiancee until she had an abortion behind my back...and then I accepted I'm gay, so it's not going to happen now.) I'd worship that boy and he'd come before anything in the world. Where's the justice?
He really is Rob. I did think of flagging this before I hit submit, but figured it would be fun to see the 'clean' words everyone would call him. It's funny because when I was pregnant, he suggested that I have an abortion and when I told him to go to hell, he changed his tune. I was already married to him and saw that it wasn't going to work out.
That SOB really doesn't deserve to have a son. DH and I weren't able to have any, even though I prayed for one. We finally decided to adopt, and he died of a sudden heart attack in the middle of the process. There ain't no justice! Rob, I feel your pain. The wrong people have the kids!
I agree that I wouldn't buy him anymore presents. Your teen guy can still send him the cards (wouldn't they be hard to exchange??!!) and leave it at that. Soon your son will be at the age he can tell sperm donor he doesn't want to have anything to do with him.
That's what teen is saying to me today. He'll send him a card and that's it, he's not going to buy him anything.
Um, you're very wrong.
Must've been your turn to carry the weird magnet, Katie.
Lol Lune, ya think? hahaha
It's all about karma Katie! When my ex is being a jerk I always try to remember this. What goes around, comes around. I also have been the parent, who did not bad mouth their Dad. I let them find out for themselves what he was really all about. Selfish, self centered weasel that he is!! It's been a long time coming, but I see karma around the corner approaching at a fast rate of speed. For example, today is Quint's graduation and of course his Dad will be there. The first thing Quint said to me this morning while I was fixing breakfast was "I know Dad will be there today, but I want to know where you will be sitting because you are the only one who counts today Mom. You have been there through all the homework, the studying, got my butt moving every morning. This is our day, not his" That Katie is what makes it worthwhile, I promise you!!
I agree with yyou Jeanna and I'm so glad that your son sees things as they really are. Congratulations to you and he on a much awaited, special day.
With that kind of drama in your life, who needs Gather?
Now that teen guy is working... he can buy the gifts if he so chooses.
We just told him that too Debra, and my son said "I'll send him a card", that's it. He has no intention of spending his hard earned money on an ingrate.
I'm glad. The creep doesn't deserve an more presents.
Yikes. What a way for someone to behave.
Sounds like you guys have the right plan worked out. I wouldn't be wasting any more money on that jerk either.
Another funny thing he told the kid was that the next time he comes down, he's not going to rent a car and the teen can drive him around!! Um, with what car? Mine???
I am sorry but WOW, what a jerk. At least your son is fully aware and can take it in stride.
Been there. I quite buying things for my ex on behalf of my son YEARS ago. At the holidays he gets school, b-day, and holiday pics. That's it. My son only sees him when his Gma comes to take him to visit. I try REALLY hard to not say anything bad, but there are times that I need to point out that my JOB is to raise a functioning adult. That I will never be in the position to support him the way his Gma supports his father. I don't buy father's day stuff, b-day stuff, or anything else for my son to give him.
I'd tell your ex to F off and leave it at that. Don't communicate with him, if your teenguy wants to do so, that's fine, but it doesn't sound like he does. If teenguy wants to see him, let them go to a park, a restaraunt, etc. I'd just cut off ANY communication on your part and tell teenguy he doesn't HAVE to have any contact with him if he doesn't want to, he DOES have a choice.
I haven't spoken with M but once since the fight we had. And that time was only because I didn't recognize the phone number that came up on my Caller ID and no one else was at home. I don't answer the phone if it's him and neither really does my husband, unless they need to talk about something like the kids' contacts or when he's coming down to visit. Son is responsible for communicating with him and meeting up with him when he comes to visit. We'll have no part of it.
Good for you. Unfortunately, my ex only lives a couple of miles away. Every once in awhile he'll show up on my doorstep to see his son. Then he'll sit in the family room and do nothing but bitch about whatever current golddigger he's taken in.
And there ain't no gold to dig.
Not from HIM, but from the person who SUPPORTS him, there seems to be PLENTY.
But they keep trying, don't they Elizabeth! Guess they figure if they're patient enough.......................
While they live with him, they are supported. The last one, she stayed for 3(?) years. Long enough to get pregnant and have a baby, paid for by the same person who supports him, then she took off wtih thier daughter when she thought the gravy train was over. She was wrong. Train's still chugging along.
The gifts would have stopped long ago. At this point, the only thing you should get him is a bullet with his name engraved on it. Send him a picture of it and tell him "This is your next gift. Consider it the least I can do to help us all out."
Dont laugh Robiyah! I have a little engraving pen and the bullets and it is something we joked about here! As a matter of fact, my target with the bulletholes in the head and throat is hanging in the garage and we purposely left the garage open one day when he came to pick my son up. He saw it and asked about it and my son told him it was mine. The jerk himself muttered, 'she was probably thinking about me when she shot that'. My son said he just laughed and couldn't respond.
It's about time to put that pen to use. Just sayin.
Well, you got rid of him because he's an assho..., did you expect him to change? Be thankful that teenguy has grown up to be a wonderful person in spite of this cretin and sees him for what he is. Love the pic, isn't it time for him (and his family) to go to the slaughterhouse? My freezer has room for the whole lot of them.
Elizabeth, that pork would probably make you sick. :)
Lol Barbara, I just saw your comment. Yeah, I thought that too! Probably inedible.
If anything happens you were ALL visiting us at our house the entire time.
Hehehe, I appreciate that Elizabeth. Let's hope I never have to take you up on that, lol. For it's sake, lol. Believe me, even if anything happened to him 1200 miles from me, his mother would send the police to look in my direction, lol.
I have NO doubt. Seen that, been there too. (G)
First of all ask your son how he feels about gifting his Bio. If you son could care less if he got anything then stop. Let it be up to your son. I agree it takes a pretty lowgrade "father" to tell his child that he exchanged a gift.
I agree with Katherine. If your teen son doesn't care about gifting the bio-slug, then just stop sending anything. It sounds to me like bio-slug could actually care less, but enjoys using these shows of sensitivity as a weapon against you and your teen son. Passive-aggressive jerk that he is.
De, my husband thinks you have a very valid point here. I know his mother is a big one for manipulation, and when I look at it that way, I can see he learned well from her. Thanks.
Yes Katherine and De M, he said he's not going to spend his hard earned money on him only to have things such as this slung back at him. He's too funny as he went through the little Christmas things that I pick up on sale during the year, found some cards that each have it's own music CD on them and grabbed one, signed it and said "This is his gift". Lol.
Your son is smart. I stopped gifting my bio when I was about 11 (i was living in foster homes by then)....as an adult I tried to reconnect with my bio, but she was the same way (found out when I was 41) and now I have no idea where she is...and don't care.
Leave it up to your son if he is over 16, he doesn't have to visit if he don't want to or even talk to the dummy. (if there is the court order thingie..then he has to at least speak and visit...that is th ebad thing about visitation rights)
I have sold custody, which is why I was able to make all the decisions for teen and move so far away without his input. The teen just turned 16 a few months ago, and when I had the big fight with bio-slug (thank you for that term De, I love it), we found out that at 13 (in Ga.) a child can stand up in court and divorce a parent. Teen didn't really want to do that at the time, felt bad for the spineless crawler, but he's coming to the point where he doesn't want him to come down and see him and is thinking of a way to convince him to not come visit around Thanksgiving as he is threatening. I have a feeling he'll let him come visit, then hand him the Christmas card and tell him, "Here's your gift". I did already tell teen that if when he's older it becomes a problem, he can take out a restraining order.
That should say 'sole' custody. He's the one who 'sold' the boy to me as I accepted a lower child support payment than what I could have had in order not to have to endure joint custody.
Teenguy's father is your DH, the bio is nothing more than a sperm donor in my book.
Absolutely. He even calls my husband his Dad when he's refering to DH to friends or teachers.
I would have stopped buying things for him years ago, he knows the money comes from you that's why he does what he does, he's still using your son to get to you....the games are still being played in his book.....poor kid.....he doesn't have to visit the sperm donor if he doesn't want to ... no court in the land would ever make him! Time to cut the ties that seem to bind you all!!!
Good point Debby. Maybe he in his hateful little mind has not let go, even though I've been married to my present husband for over 13 years, lol. This is his way of 'controlling' all of us, or at least trying to. It really does have to stop, but it has to come from the teen. We'll have to suffer the idocy that comes at us until he's really ready to make a complete and permanent break. Problem is, he's a bit on the softhearted side (he did get that from his MOM) and has a problem with being tough and mean.
I just can't imagine having to go thru this, lucky for him he has you and your husband whom he seems to look up to...thank you God! Good luck with it all.....hugs sista chic!
he's always been a "NO brains" person
But Barb, it's getting worse! Can you imagine? He's really seemed to have gone down the evolutionary scale in the last few years. Fortunately, S is getting to the point where he just needs a little more financial independence from the 'funds' that stupid sends him every time he asks and he'll forget about him in a heartbeat. This job will help, and God willing, a few well placed and deserved scholarships for college and he just may feel comfortable enough to tell him where to go. I do hope so. I've been really trying to make us 'liquid' as possible to help him with this. J and I are sick to death about how he can visit twice a year only, but manage to turn our home into such turmoil every time he does.
Katie, ahh, you bring back memories for me. I, too, divorced my daughter's father when she was two (for very good reasons). Over the years the visits became less and less often. She's 40 now and she hasn't seen or heard from him in nine years. She had a son 10 months ago and I decided (against her wishes) that her 'father' has a right to know he has a grandson (his only grandchild). I emailed him and sent two photos of the precious little boy. He wrote me back and said he's remairried (his seond wife died two years ago) and that he's moved on with his life and thinks things are better left as they are. I have never told my daughter I contacted him. She would be hurt by what he said. It is his loss as our daughter is a fine young woman and our grandson is the most precious thing in my life. My current husband and I married when my daughter was 12. She has called him dad since about two weeks after the wedding. He never had children and thinks of her as his own and treats her that way. We are both very lucky to have him in our lives. As for my ex, he is a non-person in my life.
BTW, your son does not HAVE to see or talk to his 'father' if he doesn't want to. And no judge would make him at the age of 16. And the next time he visits, your son should have made other plans and not see him. Gifts? Pfffft! The only gift I would give him is a kick in the butt and the words "goodbye, don't call me, I'll call you!"
It's funny but having other plans is just what sparked the huge fight we had. He was coming down in December to see my son, and had given me the dates he'd be coming and leaving. I arranged with a friend and her daughter to take our kids to Orlando for a few days, starting the day he told me he'd be leaving. Well, he changed his mind, changed the days and I refused to change my plans. He then informed me that THAT WAS HIS WEEK and I had no right to make any plans for the week he decides he's coming to visit and at least 4 days before and after. Now you understand why I wanted to shoot him?
From what you're saying, I think you've insulted those cute pigs in that photo! :)
Lol, I'm sorry. Yeah, I guess it could look that way. The pigs really are smart compared to the ex & family, lol.
Well - relationships and their baggage - sorry to read this and see what you are all going through.
Your boy sounds well-adjusted. He can explain to his real father now that he is working he's bugeted money for gifts so his mother isn't in the middle anymore. Then - if he finds something he wants his father to have he can buy it. If not - he can give him a gift card to - anywhere. Then, if his father asks for something too costly, he can say it's not in his budget, but please use this gift card to put towards the purchase.
Again - so sorry to read of your troubles - especially when nothing can solve them but time.
How old is you teen? Did I miss that somewhere? Is he old enough to decide to wipe his hands of that side of the family?
I would...
Yes, he's 16 and can have nothing to do with the fool, but I'm afraid he's just a little too soft hearted (like his Mom sometimes) yet and feels sorry for the man, so he hesitates to make a complete break.
Congrats on being MOTD in the "PointsAHolic" Group!
unfortunately, there are more and more of these "Dads". My personal opinion is that sperm donation does not a daddy make.
Thanks for sharing. Just letting you know your content has reached 25 comments and has been removed from !!Need More Points!!
you are totally right for being up set, I personally would have hit him and hit him hard