[for the Doc, and for his mom]
Recommended reading material: "Cancer -- Complimentary Cancer Care ~~ Dr. Richard Becker, and Wife, Cindy Becker" http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.action?articleId=281474977462073
Since I was last here, I have been to Hell and back. It isn't even necessary for me to relay that part of my life to you. One person having gone through it is quite enough. Your seeing the smiling, carefree person should be an encouragement to you; it is my wish, so that in the face of despair, you may see hope. It requires love, support, and encouragement, though.
There is going to be at least one person reading this article who is, or shall be faced with what I'm facing right now -- cancer. If I'm able to contribute some thing in a positive way, or to make some positive difference in that person's life, then I shall be more than satisfied for the time put into this article. To that person(s) I believe I'm able to say that I know how you feel.
I know what it feels like to be told to go home, for there is nothing that can be done for you.
I know what it feels like to be told you are going to die.
I know what it feels like not to be listened to, or understood.
I know what it feels like to not have your questions answered.
I know what it feels like to be considered just a number.
I know what is feels like to deal with insurance companies whose primary concern is NOT you, but their bottom line.
I know about all the tests, and the procedures.
I know about the well-intentioned who meddle, and on, and on, and on.
The important thing is that YOU must decide that you are going to be this!
That's right. I know it's hard. I know it is. How do you think I felt when the doctors were telling me that there was NO HOPE for me? I decided to "make" my OWN hope. I decided to trust my own intuition, and wisdom over the doctors', and guess what? Probably to the chagrin of the doctors, about 95% of the time, it was MY intuition that was correct.
Trust yourself.
No one knows your body better than you.
Ultimately though, whatever goes down in your situation, my wish for you is that it is YOUR decision(s), and that you are at peace with it/them.
Peace, blessings, and love to you.
*******************************************************************
Below is the continuation of my story. The Doc here on Gather (www.bookman.gather.com) wanted me to write something up, to give a status on my condition, and that is what is below:
April 10
-- pre-op at Stanford was a "no-go". They said I would never survive surgery, that I was too frail, and malnourished, probably had blood clots, and set up a plan with my primary doctor for me to be hospitalized in order to strengthen me up. When an ultrasound determined no blood clots, Stanford decided I probably had a heart condition. (The only problem was that the tumor was growing at a seemingly exponential rate, and like the parasite it was, zapping all nutrition I consumed for myself)
April 10-April 14 -- I went into "Emergency", and waited while they prepared my room. My doctor had already made "admittance" arrangements. On April 14, I was released from the hospital conditionally -- intravenous feeding of TPN from home, complete cardiological exam, agreement to Sutter's Visiting Nurses Association to work with me at home in lieu of the hospital.
April 14-20 -- A time of tests, tests, tests, and adjusting to home as a home patient. The cardiological exams/tests determined that my heart was/is strong, and would definitely withstand the stresses of a major and probably difficult surgery.
April 23 -- Was driven to Fresno to be with family. (My nephew and his passenger had been killed instantly in an automobile accident -- drunk driver on April 17; he was only 29 years old.) My nephew's funeral would be the next day, and I suspected (my doctor has advised) that when Stanford saw me the next day which was the day we would bury my nephew, Stanford would more than likely hospitalize me, meaning no way would I be able to attend the funeral service It's why we had travelled down the preceding evening -- to spend time with my brother and sister-in-law -- to show my respects. My condition was extremely critical, and I could no longer sit up straight; the tumor was far too large for that. I also could not lie down, due to the pressure of the tumor on my diaphragm. Speaking of waterboarding! It's how I felt every time I tried to lie down -- like I was being suffocated or maybe drowned! I told the doctors that I would not be able to make it to April 28 (surgery day), unless something was done about the huge and evergrowing tumor. I was nearly immobile, unable to move or function independently, and nothing I did was comfortable; there was no position -- sitting, standing, leaning -- NOTHING, that provided any level of comfort. They agreed to tap the fluid at the pre-op appointment, which was on April 24, but stated they could not move the surgery date up.
April 24 -- Pre-op appointment. The doctors came into the room, took one look at me, and immediately left. They returned about 15 minutes later, clearly shaken, and after a basic examination agreed to remove the fluid from my body, which was to buy me time until Tuesday's surgery. But there was to be a problem. What was thought to be fluid was not fluid at all. The doctor discontinued all efforts at tapping the fluid, left me in the room, returned about 30 minutes later to tell me that they had misdiagnosed my condition, and the rare cancer they were now sure I had was terminal. I protested, but not at the death sentence. My complaint was that it would be tormenting for anyone to live out any amount of time with an already unbearable illness becoming succeedingly worse. While the doctor kept insisting they would make me as comfortable as possible, I kept asking, "How?" She had no answer to that one, except the same thing: "Go home. There is nothing else we can do for you, except to make you as comfortable as possible; THAT we CAN do.
I doubt if she ever HEARD what I was attempting to relay. If she did hear me, then she was at a loss for what to do.
At best, they could give me pain medication to make me comfortable, but other than this, there was NO HOPE of recovery. The condition was terminal. They stated that I had pseudomyxoma peritonei. Realizing that there really was nothing that this doctor could do, I finally gave up, and went home to advise my family, and friends.
April 25 -- One of the Stanford doctors phoned to tell me, after reviewing everything with the lead doctor on my case that they were going to TRY to give me some relief, and remove the jelly-like subtance (once thought to be fluid) from my body. They also wanted to biopsy the tumor, because a test they ran was inconclusive; the doctor failed to abstract enough "cancer cells" to make a final determination. Quite a change from the previous day's "Go home. There is nothing we can do for you."
April 26 -- I received a phone call from yet another doctor on the team who advised me that they wanted me to agree to be admitted into the hospital ASAP. All arrangements had been made, and a bed was waiting for me. They felt it was imperative that I be hospitalized immediately. Since my entire family had travelled up from Fresno that Sunday, I agreed to be at "Admitting" first thing Monday morning (9a.m.)
April 27 -- Yes. As soon as I arrived at "Admitting", they were expecting me, and got me into my room literally minutes later.
April 28 -- To my surprise, upon awakening from the surgery I learned that they did not just do a biopsy of the tumor. Instead, they went ahead with the removing of the tumor; it was a 22cm tumor, and I was told they nearly lost me in surgery. I understand why they decided to go ahead with the surgery. Either way, they had given me a death sentence. What was there to lose? I think too, when they opened me up, and actually saw the size of the thing, they knew something I had known for quite some time -- my being weak or not, that thing HAD to be extracted IMMEDIATELY! I lost 2 liters of blood, and they removed 5 bags (I think liters) of the jelly-like substance from my body. This still left a great deal of the substance in me, which they told me would eventually drain out via my urine. Due to complications in surgery, I was placed in ICU, after surgery. By the way, prior to surgery they weighed me; I weighed 207 lbs, an increase of approximately 75-80 lbs from my starting weight. After surgery, I weighed in at 192.5. Believe me when I tell you that none of this weight gain was body weight gain; it was all tumor and related substances.
Later on that night, more like early morning, April 29, I shocked all of them by insisting on getting up, and not just sitting in a chair, but walking. Having just had surgery and with an incision more than 12 inches long, they were impressed, and said they (the nurses) could not wait to report this to the doctors in the morning. Hmmm. Perhaps a person's will is oftentimes stronger than people might think. What I knew was that the bed, and being tied down in it was uncomfortable, and I wanted out of it.
April 29 -- the lead doctor on the team came in to talk to me. He advised me the tumor was so "remarkably large" that they could not use the usual pails ordinarily utiilized for the tumors; they had to find something larger. But he was pleased with the surgery, said I was stronger than previously thought, and there was a chance -- with the proper/subsequent treatments, which would include chemotherapy -- that there might be a complete recovery. He thought there may be more than one cancer, meaning the removal of the tumor was not enough. Stanford is very conservative. They are now not committing to any diagnoses until they have pathology reports returned. In other words, they are now saying they do not know what cancers are plaquing me.
April 30 -- I was pronounced well enough to be taken out of ICU.
May 1 -- Asked if I was ready to go home, I jumped on that, and was released. I'll return to Stanford on May 15, which is when there should be enough/more information to provide. Meanwhile, I am to continue with the intravenous feeding (new prescription), nurses' home visits, and seeing my personal physician. The hope is to build me up in order to begin chemo ASAP.
May 7 -- Here I am recuperating at home, and following doctors' orders. Where I once had lost nearly all my mobility, it is returning as the swelling/edema is decreasing. The thing they kept telling me,
"Nalita, you have no idea just how sick you are . . ."
has hit home. I am okay, though, and I need to fight these cancers. My brother Mike, who lost his ONLY son last month, told his wife that if something happened to me he would "not be able to make it", that it would be the final straw for him. So, I keep that in my mind as I fight this thing. It's easy for me to see just how vulnerable my brother is, and I can't allow something happening to me to further his grief. I shall prevail.
May 15 -- Meeting with Stanford doctors. Although pleased with my progress, they feel I am still too weak and malnourished to undergo chemotherapy. Today was the day I was supposed to get the information from the pathology report -- was my condition terminal or not? I really did not get a definitive answer, but the answer was good enough. Dr. Berek believes that chemo should clear up/eliminate the remaining "spots" in my body. My two friends, David and Jason asked some good questions. What were the spots, exactly? Why were the spots left in my body in the first place when they could have been removed when the tumor was removed? What type of cancer; was it definitely ovarian, since I (Nalita) kept telling my family and friends the doctors weren't sure? How many spots? Will the chemotherapy resolve the problem -- cure the cancer? The lead doctor explained that he removed LITERALLY one million times what remained, and that what remained were relatively few in comparison -- about 12 spots. He said the task was so great that it was not possible to get everything, but he was satisfied that they got nearly everything but the few remaining spots, which he believes can be handled with chemotherapy. He likened the spots to minute bits of sand, and said if you were to rub your hands over them they would feel like sandpaper. Remember at one point they were saying the cancer was pseudomyxoma peritonei? They are not saying that anymore. They still do not know what type of cancer this is, except to say that it is a rare form of cancer; they had meant to have me sign a release form prior to leaving the hospital so that they might obtain the pathology from last year. They very much wanted to compare those records with the current pathology in order to see if they were dealing with the same thing or something different; of course I signed the release forms. They mentioned that it was possible -- or they wanted to rule out the possibility -- that this could be colon cancer; I'm to have a colonoscopy, which they shall set up. Again, they believe that chemotherapy should clear up what remains in my body. Dr. Berek explained what I already knew: the tumor was LITERALLY starving me to death. I was receiving NO nutrition during the time the tumor had invaded my body. It took everything for itself, as it continued to grow at, what seemed to me to be, exponential proportions, while I received absolutely NOTHING. As it grew, I became more and more immobile, and unable to function by myself. I knew the time was coming when I would not be able to walk or breathe without mechanical aid. Thank God, these doctors listened to me and acted before the time -- which was LITERALLY days away -- arrived.
Since the tumor's removal, I've followed the doctors' instructions of consuming protein, as much as I am able to consume. The tumor's removal did change my body's appearance; I immediately lost 15 pounds, I believe. But, I had gotten up to 207 lbs from 128 lbs, and NONE OF THIS WAS BODY WEIGHT GAIN: IT WAS ALL TUMOR WEIGHT GAIN. Consuming protein was going to aid in pushing all this waste material out of my body, waste material that no longer had the tumor to support, and feed it.
May 21 -- The process has worked, and is working. The body, my body that was once merely bones covered over with a layer of skin, is fattening up with flesh while the swelling and bloating is slowly disappearing. I'm able to walk again. My breathing is effortless. While they tell me I'm anemic now, I'm pushing on with this. Think about it: I've come a long way from that lady they told to go home, for there was nothing they could do but to help me manage the pain, to the lady they nearly lost in surgery, to now. Admittedly, they don't know what type of cancer, but I would rather they be frank about that than to continue on the teeter-tooter of terminal, not terminal, it's this kind of cancer, no -- it's that kind of cancer.
Gather all the facts, be certain, and THEN tell me what you DO know. THAT, I'm more receptive to. "
A Few Things: I believe I know what doctors say they do not know: what caused these cancers. In short, I believe it was the weed killers I used so frequently, and over a period of years. I'm a little tired, and therefore won't go into why I think so. I just wanted to caution everyone to PLEASE take care if you use those chemicals. I've decided I shall NEVER use them again.
***************************************************************
There IS a MAN,
and not just any man . . .
He's THE MAN
http://www.bookman.gather.com (The Doc)
has been here for me in every possible way, in every possible way that I've asked, beyond what I have asked, and then some.
I posted this particular photo that he gave me because it shows you just how tall, very mascular, muscular, and attractive he is. He has a very deep baritone, masculine voice. I keep mentioning "masculine", because that is what he is -- masculine, manly, an Alpha male.
Yet, with me, and in dealing with my plight, he has been the kindest, gentlest, loyal, caring and loving of friends -- very much a gentleman. He knows a great deal about cancer, I'm sad to say. I say it's sad because I know WHY he knows so much about cancer; it's because he was the primary/sole caregiver for his mother, and he did an awesome job caring for her. I am able to experience his experience with my condition; his mother was blessed to have him, as am I.
The Doc told me that he wished he could come out to California to take care of me, too. Why would such a vital, handsome man want to do such a thing? Look at the heart. Look at the heart of a person, always!
The Doc has a life; he dates, has a healthy social life, and has lady friends. He is not sitting at home alone twittling his thumbs, but THIS is just the kind of friend he is -- the kind of friend which, if you are truly blessed, you may come upon once in a lifetime.
I might say that Jason is that kind of friend to me, or David is that kind of friend to me; NOT SO. Those two involve romances, AKA other motives, and therein lies the difference. The Doc is just someone who cares about his friends. Again, LOOK AT THE HEART OF A PERSON!
I cannot begin to recount to you all that the Doc has done for me, the ways that he has inspired, and encouraged me, the HOURS he has spent simply listening and BEING THERE for me -- one of the rarest of treasures: a true friend, and now someone that my siblings consider FAMILY.
I would be remiss if I did not give some small form of homage to him.
I LOVE YOU, DOC!!! ALWAYS!!!
Finally:
Thank you as well to the many Gatherers who have been there, off Gather, providing support. Now, don't become upset if I miss your name; just give me a holler, and I'll be happy to include you:
David,
Doc (our very own curmudgeon -- see photo above), and
Jason
[Gather member, Jay A.]
make all the difference between demise, and devastation,
between succumbing and survival.
I OWE THEM MY LIFE, LITERALLY.
Also, these Gatherers . . .
Ape131313,
Tom d.,
Ellen B.,
Karolyn Q.,
Baiden F., and Joanna Ammons F.,
Ian F.,
Jean just the teensiest bit wonderful,
Carol Lloyd,
Chana,
Sharon the wisest woman on Gather,
donna h.,
Jeanne,
dddDoyle aka Snoop Dog,
Jim E.,
Robin,
Valerie,
Jeff H.,
Peter Joseph Swanson,
Alison Pearce,
Julia Star,
Just Me 0307,
Lawrence,
Kay M.,
Nyota,
Linda B.,
Ron and Buddy,
Rosa Seyah,
Willow,
Muggs,
Elsie,
Michelle,
and Karen [and Bruce].
I know, I know: I've omitted some names. Some, because I'm doing this via memory, and the others because I didn't think you wanted your names mentioned. Either way, all of you have been so supportive, along with my off Gather friends and family.
I hope all is well, literally with all of you; I pray it continues to be well. I wish you continued and greater health, and prosperity.
Love to all of you!
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Comments: 162
Nalita....... I pray that you get better and feel well...
hi donna!
thank you for your neverending support, and your well wishes, donna!
bye, donna!
This is quite a story, and quite a tribute to faith, determination, persistence -- and Doc! Hurrah to all of the above -- and to you as you continue back to health.
Tracy,
Thank you, although I didn't come close to speaking to the generousity and the love of the Doc. As I go over it in my mind, it becomes an overwhelming task, because of all he was done.
Thank you again, Tracy!
Wow, you really have been to hell and back and it makes me feel so pained to read of everything you have been through.
Yes, Doc is quite the man, quite the friend who sticks through people through thick or thin and I always hope people will do that for him in return.
I DO think, Nalita, that YOU will surivive this. I just have a feeling that you WILL. And I will not explain any more but will email you....
Kathryn,
Well, I certainly agree with you, and especially about the Doc. Thank you for the kind thoughts. Yes, I have decided that cancer is NOT taking me out of here; therein lies the key (I believe), and it's the human will, combined with other elements. May others have that determination, or an even greater determination!
Thanks again, Kathryn!
Thanks for sharing this! My husband is fighting cancer and has been doing so since July 08. I enjoyed hearing your story of survival!
Hello, I love my baby girl more than anything in this world,
I'm very interested in your husband's case, if it is not an intrusion on his/your privacy. I celebrate with him that he has not allowed this wicked disease to prevail, and that the ultimate victory is his!
So then, anything that you two would be willing to share, I would be most interested in hearing.
And thank you very much, "I love my baby girl more than anything in this world". Please send my best wishes to your husband for a full recovery, then continued perfect health, and all the blessings accompanying it. In my mind, I prefer to believe that he is already healed.
Doc kept me updated and as bad as things looked, somehow I never believed this would get you Neee.
Ron,
Doc has been letting me know that you ask about me; thank you for your concern.
Maybe your name should go down with my list of other supporters due to the awesome email you wrote to me. I never forgot -- and was extremely inspired by -- it; I kept that email, transferred it from Gather email to my outside records.
Ron, you are an inspiration, and a testimony within yourself. Thank you for the information you provided, and everything else you've done --most of all, the caring!
You are the woman Neee.
Neee, I am so happy to read this article, I have seen you around just a bit lately and thought you might be feeling a bit better, so glad you found a doctor that would pay attention to you. Your attitude is great, and you will survive , make it your mind set, I think you already have, and yes, Doc is a good friend to many, and you do learn a lot from having gone through it. Take care of yourself, and keep us advised of your progress, love you, Elsie
Elsie,
It cannot be stated enough just how much I appreciate the Gatherers who have supported me outside of Gather. I started off, believing that, eventually, most of you would lose interest, but not out of uncaring. We all have problems, don't we, so I believed that people would busy themselves with their own problems, and leave me to mine. What has astonished me about you, and the other Gatherers who have stayed in touch is that -- rather than communication between us dwindling -- the communication and support has increased!!!
What is consistent with you, Elsie, is that when I send out a group email, you're usually the first to respond to it (Peter Joseph Swanson, and you), and the response is almost immediate.
You guys are all so wonderful ! Do know that a large part of the healing/successfully battling cancer, and prevailing against this disease is the person's environment. You guys have played powerful parts in creating and maintaining an environment that is not just supportive, but nurturing, positive, and healthy. If you guys have not realized that, I hope you do now, and that you never forget it.
You see, I could write this acknowledgment/expression of appreciation in an email, off Gather to all of you. But again, I'm sharing what I've learned, what I now know in the hopes of contributing to others something that just may be of vital assistance to them, either now or down the road.
!Environment is key is fighting this disease. Things like I only know this because now I have, and I am living it.
environment,
stress,
personal relationships!
affect the outcome of your battle with cancer.
Thank you, Elsie!
You are so welcome Nalita, I know this to be a fact from my own fights with this disease, thank your for this note, love, Elsie
I think you are definitely a survivor. You've been through so much and your positive attitude will carry you on.
Hi Wilma,
So good to see ya! I'm hoping that we ALL are survivors. For every single one of us, shall come a "rubber hits the road" season. I doubt that anyone is immune to it. It might not be cancer, but something else, maybe the loss of a child.
My brother got a double-whammy: the loss of his only son AND lung. Whatever our time of crisis, I am hoping and believing that we all face it with the attitude of "the survivor". It's just that -- for me -- I cannot speak to the loss of a child, not with any validity or experience. What I can address -- with experience -- is cancer, and so, here I am.
Wilma, thank you for the compliment! You are always so kind, and here's wishing every blessing possible to you, just as I've seen you go around Gather with nothing but kindness, a sweet spirit, and generousity towards others.
I had no idea, Nalita! As elated I am to hear about your triumphs, I'm so sorry to hear about your tribulations.
Are you aware of Louis Hay's books, especially "Heal Your Life"? If you're not, you should get it immediately.
Warren Keating!
I have certainly been thinking of you! I know you said you were going to do a show in The City, and I was wondering if I had missed it, or if I would be well enough to attend when you do it; I had decided that SOMEHOW, SOME WAY, no matter how ill I was that I would be at that showing.
I've thought about you too, wondering which of your paintings are being auctioned off, and what I've missed. I've got to have at least one of yours, Warren . . .but, back to this.
The book, "Heal Your Life" by its very title, sounds interesting. I was not aware of it until just now (your mentioning it), and I shall check it out. Thank you, Warren! I hope all is well with your family and you! :=)
Thanks for sharing.. .. .
You're quite welcome, jewi lim.
Oh my goodness Nalita, I knew you had been ill I just had no idea of the extent. I've been missing your presence and wondering... I guess now I know. You are so blessed to have these kinds of friends and family. To lose your nephew to a drunk driver at this time and to have survived shows the strength of will you posses. The Doc, he is awesome. A crumdgeon perhaps, but one with a heart so huge that he must be larger than life to bear it all. Keep fighting the fight sister chic! We here will be in the bleachers cheering you on. Please let us know if we can help in anyway at any time.
Debby C.,
In the bleachers, you say? I say,
COME ON DOWN, SISTER COUS!!! :=)
Hey, what can I tell ya? One of my favorite quotes is this one:
"Don't be a player in someone else's dream."
And now I am going to watch to see what you do what that thought.
Just to let you know, as I said I would, I did speak with the Doc. Eventually, he shall be okay, but imagine how you would feel were you in his place. He would have to be heartless to NOT feel the way he is feeling, and while he takes full responsibility . . .talk about a rough period in a person's life!
Even though I agree with you in that I see the Doc with "larger than life" spectacles, he and the rest of us make mistakes. I admire the way he -- so intensely -- does not run from what he considers mistakes. I had better stop, but suffice to say, as I get to know the Doc better and better, he amazes. He is definitely a man of awesome character, and even awesomer moral fiber.
Another man that is a lot like the Doc is my own brother. Here his only son is taken away from him, and he continues to have such compassion for the family and the son, their son who did this -- the drunk driver. I'm not sure I would be able to be that generous. My nephew was a chip off the old block, meaning he was a family man who never got into trouble, but simply cared for his family. Now 2 children are fatherless, but this too, is a story for another day.
Thank you Debby, for everything!
Nalita, I am so proud to recently become your Gather friend. Your strength and wisdom are amazing. Thank you so much for sharing your struggles, I know someone who needs to read this right now. You are truly a survivor, many blessings and ((hugs))
Stacey *Mamasaid" D.,
I think we're going to have fun as Gather connections! Now, about the person who needs to read this: at the top of this article is another article, an article written by a professional. His name is Dr. Richard Becker, an orthopedic specialist, but also an expert in holistic medicine; he is hecka good. Speaking of being a survivor: Dr. Becker is celebrating 11 years of being cancer-free this month. He speaks from the perspective of a cancer survivor, and I am fairly certain your loved one would find the information in that post most valuable.
Whatever else you want to share about this person, or anything I might be able to do for this person, please let me know.
(((((HUGS))))) back at ya, Stacey!
It never even occurred to me that you would be done in by cancer. There has never been a fiestier, stronger woman on Gather than you.
Thank you for letting me into your life and I think of you every day and send you healing thoughts.
A great post, Nee, and I have a feeling it will help many.
xxx's
JustMe ~I'm happy to be~!!!
I think we have mutual feelings about each other. You're not exactly a cream puff yourself; you fiestiness, strengths, and passionate character are best expressed in your very excellent poems, Girlfriend. Oh Brother, you do EVER "throw down" with your poetry!!!
You are I are a perfect example of the inevitability of things. Evil may attempt to destroy, but in the end, goodness and truth prevails. Translated? Were you not such a strong woman, and one of strong moral, and ethical fiber, our friendship would have never withstood the wicked attacks, and lies of external forces. It is easy to draw a parallel between that situation and our battle with cancer.
Not only am I learning a great deal about cancer, but I'm also learning and seeing a great deal about loyalty, and dedication in friendships, especially here on Gather. It has been an eye-opening, and very valuable experience.
JustMe, you're an awesome person, and I've no doubt that your healing thoughts have been instrumental in my successes with this disease. It's my honour to be considered your friend!
I feel the same way about you, Nee, and I have truly learned so many life lessons through our friendship.
Your kind words about me are very meaningful as there are some people that see my strength as a threat and/or "cold". I am neither, but I don't take to BS lightly.
I treasure your health and I am grateful for your friendship. I continue to send loving and healing thoughts your way every day!
xxx's
I keep forgetting to ask you this: when are you going to publish? An anthology of your poems would be awesome. I don't know if you knew her, but Lois Wyse, who died last year, I believe, wrote some rather provocative, sultry, and tasteful poetry. The one thing I haven't gotten around to is locating and purchasing a book of her poetry. I mention her, because you remind me of her -- the sassiness, and the provocative thread, combined with gentility, and romance that runs through your work makes me think of her. I cannot quote many of her poems, but one I do well is this one:
"For a very long time
I held us together
With hope
and two sticks of bubblegum.
I lost the hope about a week ago,
and now I find
there was never any bubblegum."
~~Lois Wyse
I'm working on it, Nee..........two poems are set to be published on online journals and I have inquiries out to many presses. It's arduous work, but nothing worthwhile seems to come easy for me (as I'm sure you can relate to, my friend).
JustMe,
I didn't "refresh" before, so I didn't see your reply until just now; sorry about that.
I've found that most of my friendships -- the real ones -- always go through a testing period. If we survive that first testing period, I usually have made a friend for life, which is why I do have so many friends. Put another way: no relationship is able to really say what STUFF it's really made of, until it's put through the fire -- yes, a time of testing, and even crisis. As you know, you and I have "been there, and done that"; the hardest part is over. Now, we can simply enjoy the fruits and the benefits from that "labor", benefits we so richly deserve. Wanna parteeeeeeeee???
As for that nonsense about your being a "threat" or being "cold"? If you were a man those things would never be said about you. But, when a woman is found having the entire package: self-confidence, intelligence, independence, assertiveness, etc., it's par for the course, and it's an attempt to control, weaken, get you to doubt yourself, and to shut you up. When anyone starts saying those things about me I know it's time to pull out the champagne and celebrate. Why? Because I have just been recognized as a "force", a force with which to be reckoned, with the attributes described above, and as a WOMAN to be taken seriously -- a leader.
JustMe, when that happens to you, I encourage you to pull out the champagne, too! You've been initiated into the sorority of those of us who aren't a
Watch what happens person, or
Wonder what happens person . . .rather, you have been acknowledged as one of those who
Make things happen!
Congratulations, and as always,
LOVE and HUGS to you!
~~Nee
Well, if it wasn't Sunday I would go out and get a bottle of champagne! :)
You are right, Nee, of course. And there is a difference between a friendship being tested and one person testing another. Anyway, enough of that! I am thrilled to see you active on Gather again!
JustMe,
I am very excited about the publishing. I just finished stating that you are a "Make things happen" person, and a force with which to be reckoned . . .all I'll say now is if YOU want it be so, it's going to be so. You have that kind of personality. That is useful too, in battling cancer. A person's "will", and their state of mind are so instrumental. You must keep me abreast of this situation; I am very excited for you, as excited as I would be for myself, so DO keep me informed, okay?
Absolutely, Nee. :)
Thank you, JustMe, although the being "active" is temporary. My doctor does not want me here, so I am going against his orders by being here now. It all goes back to stress, keeping stress to a minimum, and what he said that REALLY stuck with me:
"Cancer FEEDS on stress."
We'll talk later about the poetry news! I'm really excited about that!
That makes sense to me, Nee. Take care of yourself, first and foremost and don't you dare let any of this silliness on Gather get to you!
xx's
You're back here and telling your bio and trust me, Nalita, THAT will give someone else the courage to go on with a battle in his/her own life. Whether it be cancer or something else, you stepping up makes a difference. I have been so glad to see you popping up back here on Gather. Where's there a will, there's a Lady Nee!
M.J.
What you said makes me feel as though I HAVE accomplished something; it's a great feeling. Looking at this thread, I'm seeing that more than one person shall benefit from the information, and that is gratifying!
M.J.W.: thank you again, and again, and again, for all the off-Gather support you've given, as well as your thoughtful words. You all have really humbled, and nurtured me with spiritual food.
hang in there babe.. we love you.
Doc,
After speaking with you, I'm not going to lose my concern until I hear from you again. My stomach is in knots . . .enough said.
Wow. I had no idea, Nee. I have always loved your posts, and this one, well, just knocked my socks off. God Bless you in your continued fight. As for our dear, dear Doc, I've known he was a special man for a few years now. You are truly blessed to call him friend.
donna f.
Haven't you said a mouthful! Yes, I'm very blessed to have my Doc. God's blessings upon you and your loved ones too, donna
Neee, I am in awe of your courage in this fight.....and so proud of you! And honored to be claimed as a friend....still praying on those killer T cells to get up, strap on the warrior armor and go after the cancer cells. Love you, hon...prayers from MS in your direction every day!
Linda,
Just love you and the killer T cells. Still, even though it means losing all my hair (probably), I am ready to GET ON WITH IT, and get this over with -- T cells in force.
Thank you for all of your support -- on and off Gather.
This is a soul journey indeed dear Nalita and it is very little I can say compared to what you were/are going through and your courage and will.
Sharing in this way is a gift for all of us and this gift may help others in need. It is easy to say " I understand" and it won't be entirely true if I say so, but if my humble message will reach you then I can say I am part of this " universal soul" of love and light.
May the Divine Healing energy fight against what's left and YOU be good to yourself and get stronger.
Much love to you dear Nalita and thank you so much for sharing.
Marinela,
Thank you for such lovely thoughts/words. While, I believe that bad things may occur, and they may give us the opportunity to be of help and/or service to others, I'm human.
What I mean when I say "I'm human" is that I cannot help but wonder WHY, why this thing happened to me. Eventually, I shall get the answer to that question because God never fails me in the sense; I almost always get the answer that I seek, or at least I cannot think of a time when my question wasn't answered. Still, I wonder,
"Why me?"
It's a question that people around me wonder too, but we shouldn't, for it has been made clear to us that there are NO PREVENTIVE measures for this. But then, I must ask the question,
"How do they really know that if they cannot even tell me what these cancers are?"
If one of the cancers turns out to be ovarian, I've been informed that I was blessed to have a very slow growing form of that type of cancer; it probably prevented from stage 4; although they are not sure, they now believe I'm at stage 3.
I choose to look at it this way: I am going to extract whatever "good" there is to be found from this situation, and use it to the max for the benefit of others, as well as myself. By doing that, I will have made some sense of something that, at this time, makes no sense to me at all, meaning "What really has been accomplished here?"
If the Stanford oncologists are correct, after they have gotten what remains in my body, my health shall be restored as though nothing had happened at all. That WOULD be good news, because I had NO HEALTH ISSUES whatsoever, before all of the cancer business begin. However, I find that hard to believe, since I shall always be scrutinized now, for cancer, and if THEY were correct I would not need to have regular checkups for cancer. Do you see what I'm saying?
Marinela, I thoroughly enjoyed your comment. You are a profound thinker, and one who seems to attach spiritual, and philosophical meaning to our lives; I agree.
Thank you for assisting me in giving order to my thoughts.
Why you? and yes you should ask yourself that question as we all do.
What I think is that all things are connected and what befalls the earth, befalls the sons and daughters of the earth. And we have destroyed almost everything that the Divine Source has given us in abundance. All food is fenetically modified, air and water is polluted and we have become like the little hamsters on wheels working more and more because the society we have created is so wrong. I could go on and on with what is wrong and never stop expressing my sadness for what I see around me.
I know your wish is to share and our responses will help you as we all need to be surrounded by others. In fact it is better than locking onself in a shell and fighting " the shadows" alone. I do hope that all these people thinking of you are expressing a strong healing energy which may help you not only to get cured of cancer but to support you morally as well. It is not easy what you are going through and only you can understand it as each one of us is different from theother and respond differently to what is coming on the path.
The majority of the "today's doctors have forgotten the Hippocratic oath and everything is based on the medical tests and numbers. There are though some who respect what they do and treat us as humans and I do hope you to have these kind of doctors and to know what they do and do it out of love.
A friend of mine from Denver Colorado was diagnosed with stage 4, but it looks it was not true and thank god she is with us and in good health indeed after a long series of treatments.
I am sending you my love to surround you when you are feeling down and to give you the strength to cope knowing that you are special and loved.
You WILL survive, my dearest friend... you're a real hero! :-)
Sending you a LOT of hugs and prayers from Moscow - S.
Svetlana,
Hero??? Whoa there! That is a very sweet thought, but perhaps a bit too generous for me. Yet, I LOVE the lots of prayers and hugs coming to me from Moscow. May God also bless you abundantly, in more ways than you are able to imagine, Svetlana!
((((HUGS)))) back to you!
So glad you are OK my friend. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Carol,
Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers. I am receptive to as many prayers as come my way. Some of my high school friends tell me that their entire parish is praying for me. Lots of prayer, isn't it? Yet, I shall take as much of it as is offered up. Prayer changes things!
Hugs!
((((Hugs)))) backatcha my friend.
I started reading this and it was so powerful that I need to come back when I have more time. Thanks for writing this, my friend. And it's so good to have you back again. You are an inspiration!
P.S. Please post this on Spirituality Explorers if you would. It needs to be read by as many people as possible.
Carla,
After I finish responding to comments here I want to run over and see what you've been publishing lately.
Spirituality Explorers? Carla, I don't believe I'm a member of that group. I shall check, though. If I am not a member, I shall join the group in order to honour your request.
(Be mindful that I am back for just a short time, Carla!)
Carla,
I did join the group, Spirituality Explorers, and I submitted this article to that group.
Lady Neeetah, I need to come back and finish reading your article but I have in-laws in town and have been with them. You mentioned that you were back only a short time. I need to find out why. I pray that you are doing better and are on your way to good health. Take care of yourself, my friend.
Neetah my girl. A million hugs and thinking of you.
Lori,
Thank you, and back at ya!
:=)
I pray you defeat it Nalita. I lost my grandmother and an aunt to cancer. How I hate it.
Sharon,
I share your sentiments. I lost my father to cancer. I watched as a very close friend's mom lost her battle with cancer. There have been others. We all at least, know about others.
I shall defeat this, Sharon. Thank you for your positive wishes!
There's a commercial on TV I like, a group of people of all ages challengeing cancer to a duel. Where's my sword?
I did not know this, Nalita....all my best...fight!
Karie anne,
Thank you for your well wishes!
WoW, what a story, what an experience ... best wishes Nalita.
Jerry,
Thank you!
What an inspiration you (and those who supported you to such high degrees) are to all of us. Your willingness to share so much, with a beginning such as you've given, will touch others having to go through similar challenges, will bring hope and direction. I'm sure of it. I'll remember this article in the future, if I ever know of someone who needs this type of encouragement, and I will see that they have the opportunity to read it; be uplifted by it.
Although we've never connected and gotten to know each other, I've known who you are for quite some time, and was aware you'd been very ill. My prayers have gone out to/for you, as your name would come up here on Gather. That will continue. I've seen the 'heart' of you through your writings and your comments here on Gather. Your inner strength and compassion touches more lives than you'll ever be aware of. It touched me long before I knew you were ill. Thank you.
Tanya,
You are so kind -- WOW! To hear that this article SHALL indeed touch and affect those with similar or especially the same maladies means more than I'm able to say. Your prayers mean so much to me, and I thank you for them, Tanya. I hadn't thought of it before, but the fact that you've stated you'll come back to this article if there is ever a need causes me to see the need to highlight it -- YOU were the inspiration for that idea so anyone else who finds this post of value, and needs to locate it may thank you for making it easily locatable.
I want to thank you for everything. Another good thing that results from people coming together is the constructive exchange of thoughts and ideas, such as yours. God's blessings be upon you and your loved ones always!
I am putting this post on top of my "people I most admire' pile...........going along on the journey Nee has taken will forever be remembered as the most important and uplifting trip I have ever taken.
Not forgotten........ adding to her legacy.... she wore herself out for many months doing what she believed in before she faced what she felt was the lesser foe ........... Cancer.
Kudos and blessings.....................
KOKO Nee will do no LESS than KOKO
Ape,
Once again, you honour me.
Question: how did you know about my continuing to work on the Obama campaign after my doctor informed me about cancer? I don't think I made that fact known, did I? It was around mid-December when he became convinced that cancer had returned. I sort of ignored him, not wanting anything to interfere with Obama, and partially believing that he was wrong . . .
Now, I would not recommend that anyone do what I did -- to ignore my doctor, for that was very, very, very foolish of me. Although the very first indications of a problem occurred on December 1, 2008, it wasn't until after January 20, 2009 -- after the Obama inauguration -- that I saw to my doctor's concern with any type of seriousness. Learn from my mistakes, and please don't do what I did. But for the grace of God, my stupidity may have very well cost me my life, were this a faster paced, more aggressive cancer.
Ape, hugs and kisses to you, too. You are a very loving and kindhearted person, and I treasure you as my friend; I treasure our friendship. (I still want to know just HOW in the world you knew [??????])
I told you, my friend... You are a special soul. It would take an idiot not to recognize that truth the moment they meet you...
All my love,
jean, just the teensiest bit humbled...
Jean,
All my love back to you. I look forward to seeing you again. Wouldn't it be an interesting experiment for me to stop large chunks of time at Burbank Farm!? You and I both know it has healing properties there, and I would be interested in how being there now would affect me. What do you think?
I have not forgotten you my friend. I have prayed for you every day every since I first heard the news. I am happy you are doing better. I will keep praying you get well again. You are truely a strong an amazing woman.
Thank you for your prayers, MP. I didn't think you had forgotten me, and I realize you have your hands full. Are they still giving your Little One a hard time, about singing in class, and similar foolishness? Keeping your little girl's critiques in line would certainly keep you busy enough!
You are very welcome for the prayers. But no thanks is needed. It is honor to pray for such a caring individual as yourself.
Yes, my hands are very full. Yes, they are still giving my dughter a hard time. As her behavior has gotten worse. She has even gotten kicked off the bus. I take her for a behavioral eval with a new doctor tuesday. So, I will see what happens there. They are thiking it might be more than ADHD..somewhere online the lines of Bi-polar since it does run in my family. I have a name of a psychitrist to call but am waitng til after her apointment tuesday.
This is so inspiring! My elder brother was diagnosed with cancer, accepted that it was terminal ... and died.
Keep fighting and all blessings to you.
Magi,
As well-intentioned as these doctors are, they are God, they are human, and thus subject to error. It seems like there have been quite a number of errors in my case, and certainly enough to make me realize that they are NOT the final word. I hope that your brother's departure/death was truly
inevitable. I would hate to think that his death was untimely because he gave up, because of what they said. Wow! Deep statement you made. I'm with what Jeff said below: "never quit."
I tried to talk him into not accepting the prognosis and fighting - it fell on deaf ears - and we buried him.
That was the most powerful article you ever wrote. I watched my Mom die of cancer when I was 8 and as much as this post hurts my heart in retrospect, it puts a lot of things from my past into perspective. I thank you for that.
Jeff,
What you have said means a lot to me, and I thank you. My heart goes out to anyone who loses their mother at age 8, but you are right about it -- for those who aren't yet ready, who haven't finished their work here on this earth, you NEVER QUIT, because that means it isn't your time.
You're an awesome person, Jeff. You're a kind person. Frankly, I don't know WHAT kind of person I would be if I had lost my mom as a child. My mom is so key to my whole "self", my foundation, and so ingrained in who I am today that I would want to ever consider it. I believe I understand you quite a bit better now, and I say,
You're special, Jeff!
Never quit!
WORD!!!
http://www.germannewmedicine.ca/documents/joanne_clodfelter_testimonial.html
Carolion,
Thank you for this link; you are amazingly intuitive. When I read it, I felt like I was reading about myself. I plan to use this to assist the doctors working with me, since they haven't come to a full diagnosis yet.
Forgive the delay in my responding, however, no sooner than I read the article and returned to respond, my computer begin having errors, in that I could no longer make comments (along with other things).
Thank you again for this link!
I am so glad to hear from you, I am sorry all you have been through. Hang in there but take it easy too. You are in my prayers.
Renee,
You are a Prayer Warrior, aren't you? I would wager that people call you that, or something similar. Yes, thanks for your prayers, and may God's blessings continue to shine upon you!
You and I are lucky, we have insurance.
Thank heavens for modern medicine and determined, strong women. Like you hun.
Sharon,
I'm glad to finally be able to respond this comment. Gather/computer problems prevented my being able to make comments for awhile. That's long been cleared up, and I'm just now seeing I missed responding to some comments, like yours.
My employer's insurance broker made a mistake with my insurance, which won't cost me in the long run, but it did give me the opportunity to see what it would be like to NOT have insurance, Sharon. I should add that, since I have a primary and secondary insurance carrier, I did NOT get the complete understanding of what it would be like to not have insurance. What I did experience was quite enough, thank you very much.
This country ought to be ashamed -- the richest country in the world -- that 47 million of its Citizenry must cope with NO coverage; it is inhumane.
Glad to see you back darlin'. OXOXOX
Muggs,
It's the same with you, as was with Carolion and Sharon; sorry for the delay. You know, though; you know how much I've appreciated your support and well wishes! OXOXOX back!!!
The comiments, and expressions here are just . . .so very thoughtful; I'm overwhelmed!
Yesterday, I was rather ill, too ill for Gather participation; rather, I spent the entire day in bed recuperating. Today, I'm hearing of yet another loss that needs attention now, however, I cannot wait to return here and respond to your comments.
I got what I wanted from this post -- to be of some assistance to others, and I want to especially address them. So then, once more, I shall be excited to return and address the comments.
Thank you ever so much!!!
Correction:
The comments, and expressions here are just . . .so very thoughtful; I'm overwhelmed!
WOW! Keep up the fight!!!
Eric T., my MAN!
Thank you! I shall, Eric -- I most certainly shall!
You are a phoenix !!! You come back more fabulous every time.
Peter,
That is one of the sweetest compliments anyone has paid me. It's because of steadfast, faithful, unyielding friends like YOU, that I have persevered, Peter. Today is a very special day, because I am now (as of today), back to where I started before all of this begin, SWELLING is all but gone, and in what? About a 6 week period, I've lost approximately 60+ pounds of . . .JUNK!!! My friends, like PJS, contributed to this success, and in no small way. Thank you!
*air kisses in your direction*
Neetah, I am so very honoured to be included. I just cannot tell you. I made up an "article" with a little sweetness for you, but don't know if you have seen it. If you haven't please do and I hope it brightens your day, if you have I hope it brightened your day and feel free to visit often for a pick-me-up. Music can help heal the soul, I don't know about the body, but it can the soul. {{{HUGS}}} to you!
Chana,
LOVE THE ICON!
You said,
"I made up an "article" with a little sweetness for you, but don't know if you have seen it."
The first thing that came into my mind is that you bottled yourself, Chana. You are one of the most unassuming, sweetest, caring, and humblest people with whom I've had the pleasure. I did get an email from you yesterday, but before then, I was NOT aware of your doing the surprise for me. I shall check it out as soon as I'm done here -- promise!
There is much to be said about music, as you know. I won't go into it now, but the rhythms, sometimes referred to (Milton alluded to) as the Musica Mundana is said to be the foundation for the creation of the universe -- in other words, it was all done musically, and rhythmically. You betcha music is spiritual; it's one of those things that shall never become outmoded/outdated.
Yes, I cannot wait to see what the surprise is.
Thank you Chana!
Chana,
I see the off-Gather (email notificationi) that you sent, but I don't see the entire comment over there. No, I haven't had television or radio on all day, but I shall turn it on to see what's happening. Thank you for telling me.
!!!!
(Heh, heh, heh, heh)
Ahem:
"I wonder wonder who, oouu who
Who wrote the book of love
Tell me, tell me, tell me
Oh who wrote the book of love"
(Sing it, Brotha!)
I am watching you girl. I got my eye in the sky !
Yes Ian, I know, and it's appreciated. Continue to take care of yourself, too!
God bless you. You are a remarkble woman and you will help so many people with this.
Joanna,
Thank you. Your words are prophetic since I've already helped many people, and in ways that would have been unimaginable to me not so very long ago.
God bless you, and all your loved ones; thank you for all of your support, and for discernment . . .
Beautiful post, girl....keep fighting.
Hello elizabeth!
Thank you for the compliment, and encouraging words; I shall do it -- keep fighting!
:=)
God bless you, Lady N. Thank you for sharing that story. I'm glad you decided to fight for your life. Sometimes doctors tend to treat you like a collection of numbers on a chart. You're a brave, brave woman.
Hi Doug,
What you've said rings so very true that you have to be careful, else you MIGHT begin to think you've been renamed, "the patient".
However, my primary, and the lead doctor handling my case at Stanford are quite different, and haven't forgotten that we are not specimens or things -- we are people!!!
I found out recently that my primary physician has the largest number of doctors as patients than any of the others -- now,what does that tell you? Unfortunately, doctors like him quickly become unable to handle new patients because they are so good, and a big part of the "good" is not just knowing your business, but treating people like human beings, and not as things. Much of the information I should have received from the specialists on my case didn't come from them at all, but from my primary; it isn't SUPPOSED to be that way, but that's what happens when -- as you say -- the patient is treated like a collection of numbers on a chart.
Thank you for the compliment; I don't know if it's so much being courageous, as it is having God guiding me (which is another long story), and having connected to the right medical personnel.
Stay in touch, Doug!!!
Nee asked me to leave an explanation for her not responding to your comments. I believe what she wants me to do is direct you to this post: Click here
What a frustrating time this was. Thanks, JustMe for helping me out here!
she's having trouble with Gather.
Thank you, my friend. The trouble has cleared.
Wow. What a runaround, and what an amazing journey you've been on. Thank you so much for sharing it.
. . .and the journey continues!!! However, the worst is behind me, and now, if I may be of assistance to anyone else who may encounter something like this, I can say,
"I know; I've been there."
I do, and I have. Whew! Journey.
Thanks, Sheila! Congratulations too, for getting published!