What Would You Do?

Since all kinds of drama would be created if you said something (you're lying, you're tattling, it's not your business); let it go.  One way or another; she'll cut her own throat.  Either a customer will say something...or they'll start losing business.  Only if the boss asks for you opinion or input, should you say something.  Otherwise, let's the chips fall where they may.

That's a tough one....you're between a rock and a hard place with this.  As much as I would want to tell the daughter about her mother's actions, I don't think I would.  Blood is thicker than water as they say! I think even if the daughter knows the mother is in the wrong, she will overlook it because of the strong family relationship.

learn to let the job 'go' when the door goes 'click' behind you at the end of the day... it is not your task in life to fix people.

you'll feel better when it comes down on it's own I think, and it will.

That's really a tough call.  It's never easy to work with family.  I did that twice.  One time for 8 years and another for 3 years.  It's usually best to stay out of it unless you KNOW that the boss will see your point.

Cheryl, I think it would depend on the type of business.  Do I remember correctly that you're working with individuals who require care for some reason?  Are they the clients about which you're speaking?  If that's the case, and you're talking about inappropriate behavior with individuals supposed to be in your/their care, then I would probably call the anonymous tip hotline to report her as being abusive.  If I have you or your type of job confused, please excuse the comment.  I did try to go back in your posts and see if I could find something about this from previous discussions, but you have lots of poems to sort through.   :)

I would say as long as the behavior isnt endangering anyone leave it to the customers to complain.  IF you have comment cards or anything like that maybe fill one out annonymously

The clients have probably already complained or don't mind the treatment. They would take their business elsewhere if they did.

You probably can't fix this one, since she is the Mama over all and it is their family-run business.

Anyway, they probably know what she is like. In families people allow for a lot...

hmm... in reading other comments above I see the clients may not be able to complain... tough call... the anonymous tip lines or comment cards sound like the best way to go.

it depends on what the behavior is. it may be best for me to start looking for a different job.

That's a lose-lose situation.  No matter what happens, you lose.  I would develop an acute case of tunnel vision and wait for it to become apparent.

Cheryl - this is a very tricky situation.

Keep your mouth shut if you want to keep your job, that is the first thing that popped into my head.

Something like this needs to come from the customer and even then the daughter may not take any action.

Yeah, lay low and let a client spill the beans.  You can't win in any such he said, she said situation like this....

I would leave it up to the clients to make a point of telling the boss. I agree that if they have a problems with it they will go elsewhere with their business.

Sometimes when the situstion is such that you no longer feel good about it; it is time to move on. So maybe this is that time?

If the offender's behavior is such that it could cause the business to fold or decrease, thereby jeopardizing your job, then something needs to be done.  Maybe put yourself in the shoes of the daughter.  What might she want to know?  Does she have the fortitude to confront her mother on these offenses?  If not, she might not want another employee telling her about her mother's behavior.

Ugh!!  What a situation.

If I liked the job and really needed it, I would say nothing and hope that someone else lowers the boom on her.  I worked for a mother and daughter team once and once was enough.  First of all, I found out through the grapevine they were mother and daughter, at the interview, they did not say and then all they did was watch each others back even when they were wrong.  Nope, they will stick for family no matter what.  Just do your own thing. 

I Agree with Susan above.

I would tell the boss, but that is me. Depending on how secure you feel about your position, I would just let things run their course. This woman will end up messing with the wrong customer and she will be found out.

I am with Lynn C.

of being watched

It doesn't sound like this business will last under the present conditions. How many years have they been doing business? And getting away with this stuff? How long would it be feasible for you to stay there? I wouldn't feel a lot of job security in this situation. And what about the customers? Haven't they felt the need to complain? Why do they keep coming back? They must like the service or the product. If it bothers you a great deal, then it might be time to move on. One thing you haven't mentioned: how do they treat you personally?

Oh Cheryl!  What a sticky situation.  I personally wouldn't say a thing.  Why?  Blood is thicker than water and the daughter will not do anything about it.  You on the other hand run the risk of getting fired by the daughter or the mother when she finds out that you have reported her.  Or even worse yet if she doesn't fire you, she could make your life so miserable that you may wish they had fired you.

If I were you, depending on how much you love your job would start looking elsewhere for another one.  Then once I had that other job secured with mark myself into the Boss's office and spill the beans.  Anytime before that you risk all of the above scenarios.

Oh and if you feel that you want to stay at your job but want to do something about what this woman is doing, report her to outside sources. 

Good luck to you!

Anonymous comment, tip or phone call would be best in this situation....unless you don't mind creating an uncomfortable work situation or losing your job.

I had to, the person misbehaving was my father. That situation is very common. He did it to both our waitresses and customers.

Cheryl, as others have said, blood is thicker than water.  This is really sticky.  If you did mention it to the daughter, you could be called everything under the sun; that you were trying to split the family, etc., etc., nothing would be gained from it.  Regardless of how the Boss feels, she will not take your word for it, even if she knows it to be true.  From your post it appears as if the mother is the domineering type and her daughters wouldn't dare cross her, so neither should you.  If you want to stay there, you only have two options, keep quiet or an anonymous phone call to someone in authority.  Otherwise look for another job, preferably one that is not a Mother/Daughter or Father/Son enterprise. Sooner or later a client will complain to a member of their own family and the ball will be in their court.

I'm sorry you are caught up in this situation, but you do have to look out for what's best for you. I know these are tough times, but no job is worth your mental anguish over it.   Take care.

I have just begun teaching a community education business ethics class.  Thank you for posing this problem.  With your permission I will pose it to my class.

            My professional and personal responses would be identical. There are three basic ways to base your decision.  The first is utilitarian:  What action on your part would achieve the best results for all concerned.  The second is principle based:  What is the right thing to do, regardless of the consequences?  The third is self-interest:  What would achieve the best results for me?  These do, of course, overlap to some degree.  Another consideration is whether your actions contribute to or detract from your being the kind of person you want to be.

             First, you need to decide what, if any, ethical principles are involved, how seriously the mother's actions (presumably) violate these, and how seriously you would violate them by not acting.  This would involve whether harm is being done to your clients, and whether your employer/company is being honest or fair in representing or providing value.  Does your acquiescence facilitate or contribute to these.?  How important is it to your self-image to do what you think is right?

               Then, it is fair to consider circumstances and degrees.  How much harm is being done?  How uncomfortable do you feel being a party to it?  How likely is it that your honesty could result in job loss?  How badly do you need your job?  Who else might suffer if you lost your job?  Is it possible to solve the problem in a way that won't harm you, if you are resourceful?  How much work or inconvenience might this cost you?

                Only you know the answers, here, and can predict the outcome.  I personally would-all things being equal-trust in the wisdom and practicality of "Honesty is the best policy."  If you can have a frank conversation with the owner, I'd express my concerns in a non-accusatory way.  I would say that I enjoy working for her and think the service "we" provide is valuable and that it's important to me to give my clients the best service possible.  So, I am concerned about...  I also am worried that it might negatively impact the business if it were discovered that we are ...

                 By making your concern for the business your main focus, unless the lady is a completely despicable person, you can convey the information and the (true) impression that you want to help.  If it turns out that this is held against you, I assume that these would not be the kind of people you want to work for or associate with.

                  This same technique might work with the mother, but it would be more risky, given her character as you describe it.

                  As commented by most everyone above, this is a sticky situation.  Good luck

This is really hard.....I, myself, have a big mouth and would probably say something, but that probably isn't the best, especially if you need the job so badly.......would have to agree with Stanly above....he gave a good answer.

Lots of luck with this one.

If the clients are able to report it, then let them handle it; otherwise report the person annonomysly; especially if there's some abuse going on.

I think Chris above has given you the best advice and I agree with him.

If it is something that is going to hurt someone else even emotionally I would report for sure. However, I don't see why a family business should be any different then any other one.  If I would report if they wasn't family then I would if they are.

Cheryl, Chris Brockman and Stanley N. analyzed it all quite well.

It really comes down to how important it is to you. In most situations it's comes down to NOT what needs to be said, but rather how you say it. It's all in the presentation. Present your perception and frame it with a series of questions to her only. Do NOT be criticle of her.  Ask her how she thinks the client(s) might perceive her actions; how that might affect their view of the company and sales, and what might be the short and long-term ramifications of her actions, etc. You just want to understand the bigger picture. In this way you show an honest and involved participation in the future of the company. You are NOT questioning her actions - you are only trying to understand her motivations.

The worst that can come from this is that she dismisses your questions and then just walk away and say no more about it.Remember it wil be your word and perception against her's and that can backfire on you. Say nothing to anyone else. The best that can come of this is that you will give her food for thought and maybe she will see the error of her ways and in turn compliment you on bringing the issue to her attention.

Everyone has given you such good advice so I won't add much. I only want to say be careful! You have my support!

Sorry your in such a tough situation.  If you value your job your best bet would be to keep quiet about this.  Families do tend to stick together even if one of them is in the wrong.

THANKS FOR SHARING.

Thanks so much for the imput everyone.  I agree that it is a very sticky situation.  The clients in the home are women in their late teens and 20's...and we are in the position of caring for them.  They are very well able to speak up for themselves if something is bothering them, but I know that they, too ... do not feel comfortable doing so under the circumstances.  I can't help but wonder if they wonder if I am going to report certain things and if not...why.  There is nothing that could get the place shut down or anything like that.  But the things that are being said to the girls are very inappropriate, unprofessional and borderline verbally abusive.  Right now I am just keeping my eyes and ears open for an opportunity to perhaps voice something in a very casual way...that might lead my boss to make some inquiries.  Thanks for your advice everyone!

I would leave it alone unless your boss gives you an opening or asks specifically about her mom's conduct with customers.  You can't win with family.

I would go ahead and do your job to the best of you ability.  If this keeps up the business will start to show a decline and it won't be your fault.  If you come forward they will think it is you and not her.

Depends how close you are to your boss. Is it something you would tell your best friend, but not really up to you hear?

I'd just let it go if no one is getting terribly hurt, and let it come back and bite her in the ass!

That's a very bad situation to be working in. Because you're in trouble if you tell on her..
Because they may think you're lying because it's your word against hers.

Even so, I would suggest sitting the daughter down and politely telling her what you witnessed and see if she'll talk to her mother about the behavior.

If not, and you end up getting blamed or nothing happens, I would suggest looking for a job elsewhere.

There's always the tape recorder too. Get her talking unprofessionally on tape and show that tape to the daughter. If you're comfortable doing so, of course.

ID SAY OPTION 3, YOU CAN'T LOSE YOUR JOB ONE WAY OR OTHER SHE WILL BE CAUGHT

She will end up hanging herself, I just hope she doesn't take the business with her.  The only way I would bring it up is if you were very tight with your boss.

A similar issue was discussed during a seminar I took concerning the legal rights, responsibilities and protections for teachers over 30 years ago. The key her is to do things with patience in a proper "OBJECTIVE" manner. If you put your subjective feelings into this, then you are wasting your time.  Let me go through the steps:

1. Anecdotal records: Write down date, time and person(s) involved. State just what happened without your opinions!

2. Gather any evidence that will support this. You can do this by photocopying or by a simple listing of where the information can be found.

Unfortunately, the law is not clear about a whistle blower's status. To get around this is quite easy. Make up a third annonymous person. Send this information to your boss with a cover letter that states one worker has noticed these things, but is afraid to tell you because it involves your mother.

This could be risky if your boss figures out it's you. Be careful, but if you are going to make a report, do it objectively with information and facts that can't be disputed.

Private recordings without the person's knowledge is actually a crime in most states.

Thanks! Sorry for the generic comment but I'm wading through over 500 e-mails.