It has been said, in different ways, hundreds of times before…
By a poet:
To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
By an author:
How are you going to spend this one odd and precious life you have been issued? Whether you're going to spend it trying to look good and creating the illusion that you have power over people and circumstances, or whether you are going to taste it, enjoy it and find out the truth about who you are. ~ Anne Lamott (in Starting Over)
By a physicist:
Few are those who see with their own eyes and feel with their own hearts. ~Albert Einstein
And by a frog:
It has also been said by mothers, coaching their sons before a first date. Or by friends, as they prepare a new graduate for her first interview. I heard it most recently from a patient public relations executive, calming me before a national television interview. “Just be yourself,” they all say. Then they offer the assurance, “they’ll love you!”
And yet, if I look back on each time I have heard that advice in the past, I have somehow always managed to do the polar opposite. On that first date, I try to be someone much wittier and interesting than I actually am, and discover to my horror midway through that I am neither witty, nor interesting (as is evidenced by the relative scarcity of second dates). I haven’t interviewed for a job in a while, but I remember in those days crafting myself to be the kind of candidate an employer wanted to hire, rather than going in as me to see if there was a good fit. And to this day, when in front of a television camera or pitching to a venture capitalist, I often feel like I am having an out-of-body experience. I am watching myself “sell” rather than just being proud of all the good we have achieved. I have discovered, in short, that Emerson is right: just being myself is hard to do.
Why, I wondered, is it so hard to be authentic in those situations? Why can’t I simply be me? The answer lies in the assurance our mothers and friends and PR people give when they say, “they’ll love you.” They see that, deep in our hearts, we don’t believe that to be true. Instead, we think the world will like the wittier, more sophisticated, more thoughtful, or more visionary roles that we script for ourselves. We are so confident that people will like this altered version of us better (and no doubt, some will), that we present that alternative instead of our authentic selves.
So what’s the problem with being someone else for a while? There are writers who point out that it’s a lot of work to create and maintain a faux persona. There are some who argue that if we maintain those roles too long, we begin to forget who we truly are and what we value in ourselves. There are still others who think that we can’t possibly maintain enough different versions of ourselves to satisfy the many different constituencies that want us to be just a little bit different from whom we are.
But I think the answer is simpler than that. I want to live my life in a way that I value and respect. Over time, I think this is the only way to achieve genuine peace and happiness in the world. If I begin to live as a faux me to make myself more attractive to potential mates, investors, or media personalities, I take myself off that simple, rather obvious path toward living a good life.
If I think about why I might create these faux personalities, the answer becomes even more obvious. When I try to pretend to be someone else to please others, I am acknowledging a basic human need I have: I want love and companionship. Some might say simply that they want to be liked. The irony is that if I pretend to be someone else and others do love me, I am left with the empty realization that they love Faux Tom instead of Real Tom. And perhaps the gnawing fear that if they discover Real Tom, they will head for the hills. This leads me to become increasingly entrenched in being Fake Tom.
It is far more rewarding, of course, if we can be ourselves and be loved for that. It is far more rewarding if we find friends whom we enjoy and who enjoy being with us when we are living as ourselves. The trick, of course, is not minding that this will probably be a smaller group of people than the group that that like the faux selves we create. Not everyone will like our real selves…and that’s ok.
How, then, can I live consistently as my true self? How can we I be authentic in my interactions with others? How do I stay on this good path? I have been noodling that for a few weeks. These are the basics I have come up with so far:
- I started by figuring out the things about myself that I truly admire the most. These are the things that, when I live true to them, make me respect and value myself. They are often unrelated to the reasons others may like me or want to be near me. Some aspects may even repel some of the people I hang out with today and that’s ok.
- Then I use these personal values as guideposts for decision making. Writing them down for myself was helpful. I consider them when making all sorts of decisions, from big ones like, “How do I approach this investor?” to bigger ones like, “should I tell the whole truth here, or just explain what’s convenient?”
- I am working to live true to those things every day, unapologetically. I feel like it’s important to get in the habit of being my true self. At times, I find it helpful to explain how I am living and why I make the decisions that I do. But the key is having the courage to be true to the things I really like and value about myself, knowing there will always be critics or people disappointed in decisions I make.
- I forgive myself when I fail to do that. We are all human and wander off even the best-marked paths once in a while. I have started to try to take time each day to reflect on whether I have made decisions consistent with my values. If I haven’t, I make decisions that put me back onto that path, even if they mean awkwardly owning-up to past failures.
- Last, I have started to find the people who like and appreciate the real me. Inside that set, I am identifying the people in this group that I enjoy as well. I figure these are the people who will encourage me down the path I want to walk and therefore the people most likely to help me live a happy life. I try to spend most of your time with them.
These are the things I am trying to do to live true to who I am. But as I said, I am just really starting to make sense of all this. I’d love the benefit of your opinion. Does this make sense? Do you live this way or think about living this way? Do I sound like a raving lunatic? What has your experience been?
I’ll leave you with a link to a short collection of quotes that I found when thinking about this piece, as others seem to have said it much better than I could. Check them out if you like.
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Comments: 51
Hi JoAnne! I haven't gone anywhere. We added technology earlier this year that lets anyone on Team Gather make a sitewide announcement. We found that when I made them, I would get a lot of help requests that I would have to forward on to MaryAnne. When I was traveling or in back-to-back meetings, we weren't being as responsive as we would like to those requests, so we started having MaryAnne make the announcements.
Awe thanks Julie :-) I have found it to be a fascinating process and one I hope I can make stick in my life.
How have you been? We are way overdue for a big group weekend together. I say we organize one.
Thanks, David. I think "present" is a good word. That's actually something I am working on a lot these days. It is easy for my mind to wander and easy for people to tell when it does. It gets worse when I am tired or stressed or have had too much coffee. I have found I get to be the real me when I am grounded and have the time to properly be in the moment.
Yes, we can tell :) That's why you should spend time with me here on the Cape, rather than on phone calls. I think its time you took up yoga - great for concentration (and a great workout). You are ready, young Jedi.
BTW, I LOVE LOVE LOVE nested comments. The site has new usefulness!
I am glad you love the nested comments, David :-) I find reading the conversation is easier this way, but want notifications of new stuff to link directly to the thread. An option for the future...
Thanks, Sandra. Your last line is a really important one to me. We don't have a lot of time on this planet, so living consistently as the people we want to be is important.
I sometimes feel a bit rotten when I fall short in life, and I am human, it happens, but only know of one person in YEARS that also thought I fell 'short",lol... I wasn't young enough nor cute enough for his,er...needs? I hope he found what he was actually looking for, but one has to Like what they see in the mirrow before That happens, right?
Who was it that said :"Be true to thine own self"? Just that, as a base in life, so to speak, is all one needs to have a good but not too high opinion of self. I personally think for a young one, you "Da bomb"................... :)
"A good but not too high opinion of self." I like that, Penni. Thanks :)
Mom has never heard me swear.
Mom has never seen me "act gay".
"When the Day comes that I must account for my life, I will not be asked “ Why weren’t you Moses? I was not equipped to be Moses. But I dread the question “ Why weren’t you Zusia ?”"
-- Rav Zusia
http://www.bartleby.com/5/104.html
(I know you have an Emerson quote, but this one's my favorite...)
I love this part:
These are the voices which we hear in solitude, but they grow faint and inaudible as we enter into the world. Society everywhere is in conspiracy against the manhood of every one of its members. Society is a joint-stock company, in which the members agree, for the better securing of his bread to each shareholder, to surrender the liberty and culture of the eater. The virtue in most request is conformity. Self-reliance is its aversion. It loves not realities and creators, but names and customs.
I was going to quote a favorite paragraph -- and that might have been one -- but I'd probably have to quote the whole essay, or at least the first half.
But for *this year* my favorite quote from it has to be: "Infancy conforms to nobody: all conform to it, so that one babe commonly makes four or five out of the adults who prattle and play to it."
I can count on one hand the times I have done this, but your values/intention list above led me to.. forgive an old copy editor's need to markup.
Start by figuring out the things about myself that I truly admire the most.
These are the things that, when lived truly, make me respect and value myself. They are often unrelated to the reasons others may like me or want to be near me. Some aspects may even repel some of the people I hang out with today and that’s ok.
Then use these personal values as guideposts for decision making.
Writing them down for myself was helpful. Consider them when making all sorts of decisions, from big ones like, “How to approach this investor?” to bigger ones like, “tell the whole truth here, or just explain what’s convenient?”
Work to live true to those things every day, unapologetically.
It’s important to get in the habit of being my true self. At times, it’s helpful to explain how I am living and why I make the decisions that I do. But the key is having the courage to be true to the things I really like and value about myself, knowing there will always be critics or people disappointed in decisions I make.
Forgive myself when I fail to do that.
We are all human and wander off even the best-marked paths once in a while. I have started to try to take time each day to reflect on whether I have made decisions consistent with my values. If I haven’t, I make decisions that put me back onto that path, even if they mean awkwardly owning-up to past failures.
Lastly, start to find the people who like and appreciate the real me.
Inside that set, I am identifying the people in this group that I enjoy as well.
I figure these are the people who will encourage me down the path I want to walk and therefore the people most likely to help me live a happy life then try to spend most of your time with them.
Excellent.
Hey, thanks, Doc! Mind if I update the piece with your copy edits?
Sure Tom...
Glad you liked it!
As much as I admire and love about you, I was suprised to hear that you have had moments where you feel you need to present a faux persona. However, I believe that is something that everyone has struggled with from time to time.
Posting your list in a place where you can see it regularly will remind you of what a truly wonderful person you are and how to live true to who you are. In my eyes, you are handsome, intelligent, witty and successful. So, YES, you should live true to who you are, because who you are is wonderful.
Love, Kris
Hey sis! Who knew a busy mom of two had time to make it online :-)
First, thank you for the very sweet things that you said. It's a powerful thing to know that your family is out there (even a few hundred miles away) standing behind you.
On faux personas, I think we all have them. The moment we start to be concerned with hurting someones feelings, and act differently than how we think best to act, we are starting down that path. We are creating a person that another person wants to see, rather than being ourselves. It happens in small ways that can, I think, become bigger over time if not kept consciously in check.
More on that thought later...I think I will blog more on this topic and how this theme of authenticity might human interactions online. As more and more of our social activity moves into this space, it's worth being conscious of how we act here. I'd argue that it changes, over time, who we are and how we experience our lives. Don't touch that dial :-)
As a young man, I was convinced that I should follow a path that meant giving up my very nature and following a certain set of rules that denied who I was. I tried to live that way for awhile and it even seemed to be working at one point. Then, my whole world came crashing down when my lover died by suicide. I was faced with either the truth of the situation or living by a set of lies that had been indoctrinated into the very core of my being from my earliest years. As a result of that experience, I made a commitment to always find the truth. It means that sometimes, I don't like my own actions. When that happens, I know that I must own up to what I did and do what I can to make things right.
Your words, Tom, are inspiring. I am totally on board with you on this issue. Authenticity can mean that you experience rejection and even ostracism. It also means that as you grow and develop, you find yourself surrounded by great people with values that are more in tune with the authentic life. I wish you well in your journey.
As a regular at this site, I have to say that the best of this site comes from those who are authentic and honest about who they are. As a practitioner of those characteristics, I've come to know the difference.
Thank you, Joe. That's a terrible loss in any circumstance and must have been exceptionally painful to deal with. It makes sense that this was a catalyst for changing how you view and approach life.
I have not read much of Jung's work (and will therefore probably get this wrong), but have been told that he saw traumatic moments like losing a job or losing a loved one as a rare opportunity to align how we live with who we are. In our day-to-day lives, we often continue down paths that don't have that kind of alignment moving farther and farther from our true selves. Disruptive events, particularly traumatic ones, cause us to step back and consider our lives in a new light. And from that examination, we might emerge having made the kind of progress you describe.
I think it's interesting, too, that you can see the authentic people (those honest about who they are) in a crowd. I have always thought there is a quiet confidence that comes from being your true self. Trying to think of examples, I am coming-up with characters like Dagny Taggart.
I wonder what tips you off when you meet someone new?
To make our world really move forward, everyone should work to discover his/her authentic self. Becoming genuine involves, among other things, facing fears (which may arouse anger toward oneself and others), facing anger toward others (which may arouse fear and cowardice in others, examining need (including the need to love and be loved, which may lead to greed), giving (which may include receiving), and forgiving (which is an important part of justice).
Although as I've aged, I have moved toward a more authentic self, I find it is an ongoing quest. I've also found some delightful surprises along the way, sometimes stemming from disappointment and failure.
Thanks, Verie, particularly for the words courageous, questioning, and trustworthy. Those are concepts that are all part of that personal values set I am developing, so it's especially gratifying that you see some of that coming through here.
I really like the list of things that you suggest we need to do to be our authentic selves:
- facing fears
- faing anger toward others
- examining need
- giving
- forgiving
These are all really important concepts that are critical to moving toward a more authentic self. For me, identifying fears (because I am not always aware of them) and facing them directly is difficult, but energizing somehow. Facing anger is harder for me because I have always avoided conflict in my life. It has been easier to compromise myself in the role of peacemaker than live authentically. That's not to say that the two are imcompatible, but to get to an honest peace sometimes requires tackling anger and that's ok (done properly). But this is an area where I struggle.
It's a really good list Verie. Thanks. May I ask what a few of your delightful surprises have been along the way?
I know exactly what you meant about sometimes having to have a faux persona as I feel that sometimes I have led half my life just like that. I am now at a point in my life where I have discovered that I can't be all things to all people and that I can only be ME. I can only be true to myself and I will never be the one that everyone loves. I am so much happier this way and know that those who know me and love me appreciate the "ME" that I am now and have really always been inside too.
Your post was awesome and made me think of so many things and for this I thank you. ;)
I feel compelled to respond to a couple of things:
First, the most obvious characteristic of authentic people is that they listen to what others are saying. In short, they pay attention. Signs of this authenticity are people who are not interested so much in being understood as the are interested in having conversations that are thoughtful and engaging. These people don't brag or make it a point to tell everyone about their lives. They are happy just to be involved with others. They genuinely like people. After all, it is our species - why not learn to appreciate each other.
Second, Verie's synopsis of the process of staying authentic is so accurate that I wish that I had said it myself. She is absolutely correct that it is an ongoing process. I remember when I bought a leather jacket in the 1980s. I had always wanted a leather jacket. One of my friends informed me that I would be treated differently by wearing the jacket. When it did not change the way anyone treated me, I was disappointed and hurt. It became clear to me that I had allowed a possession become more important to me than the quality of my interactions with people. I think that vanity was more of an issue for me at the time. I was young and could still turn a few heads. I bought into a myth about looks being a personal quality. They aren't. They are wonderful to have, but actually, to be authentic, it is what I and others do that is paramount. I continue to enjoy my leather jackets. But, I don't think of them as anything more than the costume that I wear in certain environments. The jacket (or any other material possession) serves no purpose in maintaining a quality life.
I really enjoyed reading this Tom - great contribution!
I love that you used an Emerson quote here, and Einstein as well. Emerson's grave is a large natural slab of rock (I can't recall which kind) and it really is striking amongst the uniformity of the other graves. It is in concord, so you could visit. I think it is hard to be ourselves because nobody wants to stick out, and be that odd unlabeled hunk of rock amidst smooth regular shapes. Yet our souls all yearn to be expressed, and I think a lot of people live with unrest.
I was fortunate to be a dork growing up, and learned humility and low status very quickly. Yet my father is and was always an amazingly confident and strong person. Truly embodying himself with all his strengths and flaws. When my family moved when I was 14 I decided to experiment with being myself. Once I found a good group of friends I was really able to come into my own, and realized that I had a unique voice that people liked. Since then every new life situation has given me an opportunity to practice being myself, and I do feel like I have gotten better and better at it.
Every time I make a change or enter a new social situation (like a new job or class, etc.) I have to reset and let myself emerge all over again. I am shy by nature, so it always takes some time for me to overcome. For me, being humble and quiet is a good way to start interacting with people. I am not really a strong persona, so people don't know who I am right away, and don't need to. Then I can just let who I am arise out of my actions naturally.
If nobody else does what you do, that's great. It means you can inspire people with your actions and be a teacher. When I get to a place where I truly am myself I feel my most content. And the right people will be drawn to me. I've had this experience a number of times, and there is no way I could ever try and go back to fake Jim. He wasn't much of a strong personality to begin with, had huge glasses and no confidence in anything except drawing.
What you are doing sounds great Tom. I often find writing things down and checking in each day is a fun way to make progress. My wife and I do that a lot with life priorities, goals and spiritual things. It has helped us reach some really important decisions.
Very interesting reasoning process Tom....and a good read
I found out very early that it took too much trouble to be a Faux Sonia or to change my image depending on the person I wanted to impress, as later on you have to remember which Sonia you have to revert to when meeting different people...
I had a very healthy fantasy world as a child, but was fortunate enough to recognize that it was a fantasy world and not to carry it on to the outside world.
"I gotta be me" is more than just a song....Thankfully, I kinda like the me I have become.
When I need inspiration to be "myself", I watch Auntie Mame !!!
Tom,
you might also want to consider the writings of Saint Ignatius Loyola, who advised 'attend to the light and shadows of each day, and see what they may teach us.'
Benjamin Franklin was also very disciplined about self examination -- you might want to look into that aspect of his life, too.
Tom, this is an excellent post. Often we are driven by the desire to please others rather than the drive to achieve our own vision. I spent years in abusive situations where my sole goal was to please others. I left an entire life behind along with those who could not accept me as I am. This gave me the freedom to connect with real people and pursue my goals in my own way. "Getting real" was one of the best things I ever did. Living an authentic life is much more rewarding to me and those around me. You really do need to love and accept yourself to fully love and accept others. Great stuff!
Absoluely wonderful post.....made me do a lot of thinking about myself and my life........I really enjoyed reading and and absolutely love Kermit!!!!!!
Really great article!
"We love you just the way you are" - Billy Joel
"There are those who believe that life here began out there...(Galactica 1974)", hopefully the relatives won't decide to come back for a visit or we'll have to clean up the planet.
I have always thought it is best to be yourself. I try to be me as well.
I think the words from big-sis were very appropriate!
I totally understand what you are saying - I've been writing a memoir. I just turned 40 earlier this year and have been going through a similar thought process.
I've learned a great deal from my children and thereby gaining a better understanding of my family and myself. I've shared similar ideas with my mother and she never thought I wasn't totally happy and being myself.
My child (and I believe myself & father) have Asperger's so I've been through life not really understanding social interactions and communication. So I can honestly say I have presented a faux persona!
My first book will be published and out in August 2010 - Why Don't They Come With Instructions? It's a collection of personal essays about raising two children with a combination of Asperger's Syndrome, OCD, Tourette's, learning disabilities and attention deficits.
Congrats of joining the ranks of evaluating and finding your authentic self! Always be true to who you are - and everyone will "LOVE YOU!"
Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
Each day I try to remember that my ego is God above's. I feel it leads me to all I am to help or be helped from. I can be nudged to go on days to go out when I just don't feel like it, but feel compelled by something. Wala! I am there to catch someone falling down an escalator. That's a true example of what I am stating. This kind of thing happens frequently in my life. So I listen to my heart the best I know how.
A thoughtful post inspiring many comments.
We have many roles to play in life, along with the ones we invent for ourselves. Through trial and error we get comfortable with ourselves.
I find peace in meditation. It's beneficial in many ways--slows down the mental gyrations, enhances health, calms the emotions, and it's the way to find the God within. It's good to have a teacher to guide you and answer questions. "When the student is ready, the teacher appears."