The Curse Of The Male Combover!

Why do some middle-aged guys do these silly-azzed combovers?

For me, this question began years ago as I watched the morning tonsorial antics of my dad, Ed Jr. He had a magnificent crop of curly, blond hair when he was a young man, but he unfortunately went bald during his mid-thirties. I guess it was kinda hard for him to handle, least that's all I can chalk it up to, so he resorted to that time-tested method for handling male pattern baldness, the combover. I still vividly remember seeing him in our bathroom, furiously combing over the strands from one side of his head to the other, then tacking them down with a big can of Style hairspray. He would put on so much of it on that I worried about him ending up covered over with dust should he ever happen upon a sandstorm, and I equally figured that a rock thrown at his head would undoubtedly ricochet off because of the layers of Style that were protecting it. I swore back then that should I ever find myself balding (which I knew would be a 100% certainty because both my granddads were bald) that I would simply clip my hair short and not worry about it. Thankfully, I've kept that promise to myself, but I still find the subject/concept of combovers fascinating. So fascinating, in fact, that I've even developed my own classification system for them.

What? Y'all wanna know about my classification system for combovers? Really?

Okay, I'll tell you all about it. The Ed Williams Classification System For Combovers is as follows:

1. The Juliette Paintbrush -

This is your garden variety combover. No hair on top, grow some long on one side of your head and then whip it over with your comb. Right after that, tack it down with a lot of hairspray, whole lots of it. I always love seeing guys who do this whenever they're out on a windy day. Everyone around them has their hair whipping about all over the place, yet the Juliette Paintbrush quaffed person's stays perfectly in place, not a single hair moves. You almost get the feeling that this person could sit up on top of the Space Shuttle as it launches into outer space and never have one strand of their hair go askew. If you're smiling right now, I just proved my point.

2. The Double-Winger -

The Double-Winger is just a derivative of the Juliette Paintbrush. To achieve the Double-Winger, you just grow your hair long on both sides of your head and then twine it over the top in an almost lattice-like fashion. Guys that utilize this technique have to be very careful about layering the strands in a very orderly manner across the top, less they get all tangled up and then cutting them off becomes their only means of extrication.

3. The Spidey Crawl -

The Spidey Crawl is effected by guys who have little hair on the sides of their head. That being the case, they have to go to the backs of their scalps, grow the remaining bits of hair there really long, and then twine it out as best they can. If you see a Spidey Crawl from behind, it really does kinda remind you of Spiderman climbing up a building, hence its name. The Spidey Crawl, while lacking as a permanent hair style, definitely gets points in the areas of both creativity and chutzpah. This type combover is the hardest one for me to keep a straight face about if I ever happen to encounter someone sporting one, I literally have to think about something like Pearl Harbor in order to keep from laughing out loud.

4. The Strands of Iwo Jima -

The Strands of Iwo Jima is effected by guys who have little hair on the sides of their heads, but still insist on effecting a combover. Their strands end up looking like mutant rivers of hair flowing about their heads, and God forbid someone utilizing this particular type quaff goes out jogging or swimming as those non-connected strands can pop lose. And quickly. When they do, the subsequent flailing of the strands can be eerily reminiscent of the tonsorial attributes of Larry Fine of The Three Stooges. Not a pretty picture, in other words. In the end, the wives, girlfriends, and/or significant others of those men employing The Strands of Iwo Jima can't really care about them, I mean, think about it.

In conclusion, all that can be said about this subject is that guys have to want to have the appearance of a head full of hair pretty badly to resort to these type strategies. Combovers? Other than hairspray manufacturers, just who's getting anything out of it? It damn sure isn't any of us who has functioning eyeballs, and I'm being nice about it. Y'all please just tell me one thing, please, and this one thing gets us right back to the first sentence in this article, which shalt be reproduced below:

Why do some middle-aged guys do these silly-azzed combovers?