Pelosi: I Approved Wakeboarding, Not Waterboarding

WASHINGTON.  Under fire from Republicans who accuse her of hypocrisy for criticizing torture techniques she approved, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi today lashed back, saying she thought the Bush White House said "water sports", not "waterboarding".

Pelosi:  "I'm from California, where water sports are common and accepted."

"Water sports such as wakeboarding are legal, cool, even gnarly," Pelosi (D-Cal) said at a news conference where she was peppered with questions, then topped with shaved parmesan cheese.  "Gnarly" is a surfing term meaning "beyond radical or extreme", according to the Urban Dictionary.

Boehner:  "I nailed the 360 crossing the wake."

House Republican leader John Boehner dismissed Pelosi's account, saying "There's been a lot of whining in the press about waterboarding.  The people who are complaining are a bunch of pasty-faced journalism majors who are incapable of living a totally balls-out lifestyle."

"Gnarly, dude!"

"Waterboarding" is a generic term for surface water sports that involve a human being, a board, a body of water, a rope and a motorized boat to pull the human being by the rope on the board over the water that lived in the house that Jack built.  The most common variations are water skiing and wakeboarding, although experienced practitioners of the sport are also capable of riding 2" by 4"s and Chinese back scratchers.

Caution: Experienced riders only.

CIA officials say waterboarding has resulted in cooperation by terror suspects who had resisted other popular culture inducements, including exposure to music by "American Idol" contestants and "Disney on Ice" spectaculars.

"Enough--I'll talk!"

"Waterboarding is a safe, effective way to get through to Islamofascist suspects," said Robert Bassick, Assistant Director of the CIA.  "Once they realize how bitchin' cool America is, they don't want to establish a world-wide Caliphate that would ban beach volleyball."