From whence the billion? (Humor)

   I woke up this morning to a disturbing realization. Magazine writers and television reporters have stopped using the term millions and started talking about billions. I must have been taking a nap during the transition, which apparently happened at faster than the speed of light — a not uncommon occurrence in the financial arena these days. My Monopoly game doesn’t even have a bogus billion-dollar bill in its bank.

A billion is a big number. How big? Some postings along these lines have been traveling around the Internet recently.

• A billion seconds ago it was 1959. (And I was … oh, never mind)

• A billion minutes ago Jesus was walking the dusty roads in Israel. (I bet he could have caught a ride if he'd shaved the beard.)

• A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age. (I believe their first name was “Rolling.”)

• A billion days ago no one walked on the earth on two feet. (Admittedly, it was St. Patrick’s Day.)

When I was growing up, the ultimate financial accomplishment was to become a millionaire. Now a millionaire is a solid member of the middle-class or a homeowner in California. There were no billionaires when I was young, unless you count J. Paul Getty. When asked how much he was worth if he could turn all his assets into cash without losing any value, Getty answered, “I suppose it would be about one billion dollars.” Then he paused and added in a regretful tone, “You know, a billion dollars isn’t what it used to be.”

Today there are almost a thousand billionaires according to Forbes magazine. I know that sometimes the government does things without telling us, such as borrowing an hour in the spring and (purportedly) giving it back in the fall. Did the government one day just revalue the currency and add three extra zeros to everything? (This used to happen in Brazil on a regular basis.) If they did, they skipped over my bank account and I never got the memo.

When I was in college, the Bank of America was the largest financial institution in the world with $12 billion in total assets, some 50 percent more than Chase and Citibank. This year, General Motors lost that much in the second quarter by selling us twice the car we need and Exxon added that much to its coffers in the third quarter by fueling that GM car. It would be simpler to build a direct cash pipeline from GM to Exxon.

It seems the big numbers have gone up by 1,000 percent while the small numbers, the ones you and I deal with daily such as the price of a Mars bar, have gone up only a few percent. CEO salaries have risen faster than flags on Flag Day, while my compensation package continues its life-and-death struggle with the Cost of Living Index.

Why is that? Considerable evidence points to the conclusion that we are living in Billionaire Bizarro World. I think we got there through one of those space-time-warp continuums you read so much about, but maybe you read different comics than I do.

How much is a billion you might ask. Well, in terms of pounds, it is 1562 hippopotamuses, or 52 blue whales or 78 brachiosauruses though God knows how you’d herd that many together today and good luck getting them on the scale.

Also a billion credit cards laid end-to-end would be more than 14 times the length of the Great Wall of China and still wouldn't have a high enough credit limit to charge off what we owe them.

Be Thankful for Small Favors Department: At least we live in America where 1 billion is 1,000 millions. In some countries, such as Britain, France, Germany and Monaco, 1 billion is 1 million millions. And China, the rising economic power, doesn’t use either but instead uses two ancient numeral systems. One is the Suzhou numerals or huama system, which is elaborately explained in the most confusing article I have ever read on Wikipedia.

Boy, I’d hate to wake up there in the morning.

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