My Sebastian

Twenty years or so ago, my teen-aged daughter and I loved going to the mall to spend what was left of my paycheck, or when we had no money, just to wander around in the stores.

One of our favorite places to frequent was the pet shop. We could never skip visiting that shop and we always saved that visit for last.

On this June day, we went just to browse around in the mall and visit all the little darlings in the pet shop just as we always did. A melee of puppies, kittens, fish and birds in glass fronted display cages and tanks lined both walls of the shop like a miniature zoo. Toys, carriers, pet care items and food, bird cages and a host of other brightly colored items were all displayed on shelves in the center of the store. As I recall, the shop was busy on that Saturday. Several harried-looking clerks were scurrying back and forth in-between customers, tiny four-pawed heart-throbs and around displays. The scent of dog, cat, bird, and new items for sale all burst forth to teasel our nostrils and lure us from the diminished odor of the malls' corridors into a world of excited child-like fantasy. Yips, barks, tweets, squawks and human voices buzzing all invited us to join them. It all made us feel so happy. Smiling broadly, we acquiesced our hold on reality and went in.

I moved from one cage to the next, smiling and laughing and cooing and tapping on the glass in delicious delight. All around the walls I made my way, as I called to my daughter to come see a particularly cute kitty or a frisky puppy as she squealed back at me to come and see her finds. We were transported into a world of multiple love-at-first-sights and we were having the best of times, just as we knew we would.

Mid-way through my adventure, I noticed a tiny creature alone a few cages away. Suddenly mesmerized, I moved to the cage. He looked almost like a large mouse there behind the glass; a mouse with beautiful, big folded back ears and a too-short tail. In his soft, trusting eyes there shone intelligence, awareness, a keen curiosity, and an undeniable zest for life that no mouse anywhere could posses. All sense of my surroundings vanished as I studied him. He, with his long, shiny black body so small, was sitting right by the viewing glass on the wire-net floor, patiently gazing up at me, not yapping, not wagging his tail as would be expected from one so young, but just sitting there; alert, focused, and trusting that I was the one to make him my own; and he was ready. He had a maturity about him that was totally at odds with his size and age. I tore my gaze from that black face with brown dots where his eyebrows would be to take in the brown of his paws and on the tip of his tail. I chuckled when I saw his brown bib. "He has the same markings a German shepherd has," I thought. I felt a tingle start in my cheeks. It spread downward and out to make me acutely aware of arms and hands that wanted to touch and to hold this little beauty in front of me. Desire and regret warred in me as I tried desperately to use logic to bring me back to the adult realm that I had left back at the front door. There were a multitude of reasons why I could not possibly buy him; I had no money, I lived in an apartment, the owner didn't allow pets, I work long hours. The list continued, and with each reason, my heart overruled my head and I fell deeper and deeper in love. He weaved a love spell with his doggie magic and I lost every bit of logic I possessed.

I reached out and grasped the shoulder of a passing store clerk and blurted, "May I see this dachshund?" "Sure." The clerk responded. Then he made his way behind the cages to come to stand behind my choice. When he heard the clerk opening the cage, the little hot dog wagged his tail and went to the door. He gave me a quick glance as if to say, "I'll be right there." And, I will swear up and down that he opened his tiny mouth and smiled at me. I watched the clerk pick him up and carry him around to me. I took him and held him in my arms. Gads! How tiny! He weighs nothing at all! As I spoke softly to him and ran my fingers over his soft fur, I looked down into those captivating puppy eyes. There was no trace of fear or even nervousness in them or in any part of his body. He didn't tremble or squirm, he simply settled himself comfortably in the crook of my arm. His scent; clean, musky and refreshing, not at all like dog; ingrained itself permanently in my memory, to revisit me every time I thought about him.

I dimly remember picking out supplies with my daughter's help and going to the checkout counter. I had no cash, so I did the only thing that our capitalist economy called for. I used my credit card. My daughter drove us home in my car, I would not relinquish my new love long enough to do so myself. I just sat there softly talking to and petting my puppy, who was wagging his tail now and taking in the new sights. I do recall my daughter laughing at me and making some comment which, of course, I wasn't paying any attention to. Once home, I put him down on the floor and sat down beside him. His tail was down and he appeared unsure. He looked around, and then tentatively took his first steps. I watched as he slowly explored the room, sniffing here and there. When he was satisfied, he came over to where I was sitting. His tail went straight up and stayed like that. He was assuring me that he approved of his new home.

Now, I had seen Disney's 'The Little Mermaid' recently, and found that little red crab enchanting. For some reason, the name Sebastian stayed in my head as I watched my pet settle himself in. I called out, "Come here, Sebastian." He did! So, from that moment on, he was Sebastian. He didn't look like that crab, but there was some kind of similarity in the two personalities that I couldn't quite figure. Was it mellowness? Was it the smooth way they carried themselves? Sometimes he really did behave like a cartoon character. I never did figure it out. It didn't matter. He liked his name. So did I.

Even though I got myself in more debt, I never once regretted my decision to buy my Sebastian. He's worth more to me than I could earn in a lifetime. That was over twenty years ago. Over the years he delighted me, made me laugh with his antics, his intelligence, and even his stubbornness. As he aged, he slowed. Those once clear eyes turned milky. Arthritis set in. These things I only vaguely remember; his youth is still fresh in my mind and that is what I recall. I love him more now than I ever did. And even though he is no longer with me, my love for him continues to grow. I don't think I'll ever stop grieving for him. There can never be any dog like him for me, ever.