Never to stop thinking;
Never to let the brain
Rest, until the big death
Comes and sweeps you off to
The big numbness (or so
They say). You want the brain
To pause, not stop, reflect
Lazily as if it
Didn't matter at all
If the thoughts in your brain
Were unloaded or not.
You want to sit (not stand)
In the shower, and feel
The water hitting your
Head and breasts; feel it run
Down your warm body; sense
The dampness between toes;
The eyes closed; the tongue out
Licking the odd dripping
Drop. You want to really
Feel a full moment of
Being, without seeing,
Or groping for a thought,
Or listen for noise; just
To be, to be you. You
Remember the numbness
As they injected you
Before the ECT
That summer, remember
The frightening feeling
Of what dying might be
Like that quick empting
Of self into the dumb
Darkness of not being.
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Comments: 16
Terry, so elegantly, sensitively wrought.
(thank you)
I like how you get under the skin and let me sense all of this through your well chosen words.
10 4 u
The psychiatrist who voted to seek out other approaches for me felt that family trauma coupled with hormonal imbalance were equally contributing to my issues.
He was the husband of my favorite highschool teacher of Black Literature, Mr. and Mrs. Baskerville (enough literary overlay and irony there to fuel a lifetime.)
To all and any challenged with mental health issues, either of your own or of loved ones, courage and strength be yours.
Fine, fine work.