Heard this this morning.
For the woman:
Get a large bean bag chair and strap it around your waist under your clothes. Wear it for nine months--then remove TEN beans.
For the man:
Go to the drug store and lay your wallet on the counter--tell the clerk to help themselves. Then go to the grocery store and talk with the manager about having your paycheck direct deposited in the store's account. Finally, buy a newspaper and go home, sit quietly and read it uninterrupted for the last time.
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