Our latest poetic forms assignment is free verse with musicality. I started this beginning of a poem from nothing and realized that it had end lines that rhymed with a word on the line above (unintentionally at first), so I decided to carry it through. Problem is, I'm not exactly sure how to end it, so I really need help with opinions. The transition between the first 2/3 of the poem and the last 1/3 is pretty abrupt and awkward, but I'm not sure what to do about that, either.
Between Silences
The gap seemed natural at first, a sudden
Shifting of energies; what was the worst
That could possibly happen? A forlorn tendency
To need what couldn’t be said, to depend
Solely on words. But then the words wouldn’t
Come, and there was silence again.
It sank in silver ribbons like angel’s hair
And melted into the familiarity of blank
Stares. Piece by piece, it began to undo
The sound that was uniquely theirs.
Cold stars in heaven’s heart gnaw at
The quiet, tearing every sun apart
And tender slivers fall like silent debris,
Bringing soft whispers of sound that quivered
And stirred painful vibrations in the silence—
But somehow it was never the same.
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Comments: 7
A good poem.
mid summer noon’s dream
The only advice I'd give is to improve the flow a bit, you might consider the breaks coinciding with the punctuation.
Maybe something like this:
The gap seemed natural at first,
a sudden shifting of energies.
What was the worst
that could possibly happen?
A forlorn tendency
To need what couldn’t be said,
to depend
Solely on words.
But then the words wouldn’t Come,
and there was silence again.
The gap seemed natural at first, a sudden shifting of energies;
What was the worst that could happen?
A forlorn tendency, a need that couldn’t be said,
to depend solely on words.
But the words wouldn’t come,
and there was silence again.
It sank in silver ribbons like angel’s hair,
and melted into familiarity of blank stares.
Piece by piece, it undid the sound, that was uniquely theirs.
Cold stars in heaven’s heart, gnaw at the quiet,
tearing every sun apart, as tender slivers fell like silent debris.
Bringing soft whispers of sound that quivered
And stirred painful vibrations in the silence—
But somehow it was never the same.