I’ll admit it. All of the young hotties on the cruise ship made me feel like crap about myself. My descent into fatterosity happened in a blink of an eye, and I was resenting the fact that I was so blubbular in their presence.
So, when we left the lap of opulent luxury of the cruise ship for our two day stay in Ft. Lauderdale to visit Kevin’s daughter, Beth, I had yet another rude awakening and reality check.
On the internet, what looked to be a beautiful, yet inexpensive, venue right on the beach turned out to be our stay at the Ghetto Fabulous Inn. When staying somewhere right on the beach in Ft. Lauderdale and you get a suite for $89 a night, you should always be wary.
We stepped into the living room and I nearly choked. The carpeting and furniture were all from about 1940, and hadn’t been cleaned since at least 1945. Stains were everywhere and there was an abundance of holes in the foundation that I was sure would allow Florida’s friendly little lizards to join us in bed and in our luggage. I was aghast. All of the non-porous surfaces were clean, though, and I decided to be a good sport and stick it out, since we were only going to be sleeping there for two nights. I knew most of our time would be spent with Beth or on the beach.
As I was exploring the room, I found this little wall safe. Now, I was intrigued.
The type of safe that needed a combination to open and was actually recessed into the wall made my imagination run rampant. A closer look at my surroundings made me realize that I was being housed in a place that was once, no doubt, a grand old madame on the beach.
The corner windows were now covered with ghastly striped curtains and the current view was that of concrete and roadway. Sixty years ago, before the Trump Towers and A1A obscured the view, it must have been a straight shot to the ocean.
Our view. If you look to the right, you'll see a tiny snippet of ocean.
I could see that in her day, the place must have been a popular stopping spot for the well-to-do who were waiting for their cruise ship to take them, their gambling winnings and/or cocaine that they’d stashed in the wall safe to Cuba. Mental images of the likes of Bogie and Bacall frolicking there began to form in my mind.
I felt a kinship with her decay. 
Saddened by the wrinkles in her skin and her outdated wardrobe, I related to the beauty she had lost, just as mine had changed so drastically. Her constant urinary tract infection was evident when the toilet flushed. Her vision was dimmed by the ineffective lighting.
Congestive heart failure…heart attack…umm…lizards in the luggage…uh…seizure disorder…arthritis…
Oh, screw it. We stayed in a shithole.
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Comments: 72
The minute we walked into that place and I started making noise, Kevin said, "I can't wait to read what you write about this mess!"
I had to scroll back up to that picture of the safe... I've never seen a safe like THAT! It looks like a sewer hole with a cover!
And the green sofa... is it supposed to match the blue, beige, and black drapes? Yikes!
I really did become fascinated with that safe. We both tried to figure out the combination like safe-crackers of yore.
Turns out we were just crackers.
And, uh... *snicker*... nice curtains.
So, my other stuff isn't good?
I always enjoy reading your things. I love the way you think.
I once stayed at a "hotel" in Montreal that might have given this place a run for its money. The other artists and writers and I would all meet up in the "bar" (dodging working girls all the way,) and compare atrocities. One guy had the closet door fall off and damned near brain him, another one found a used condom in his shower.
I got "lucky" -- I had a blob of toothpaste stuck in my bathroom sink and a dead roach in my bed.
And, srsly -- my curtains weren't nearly as nice as these pictured above. I ? how Vicky's calling them "window treatments" -- that's causing me to gort.
A lot.
Vicky ~ They were in the bedroom, too. I opened them once, got scared of what I saw, and decided we were better off looking at their ugliness.
Joy ~ I didn't bother telling you about some of the finer aspects of this little shanty. Like the Cashmere Bouquet soap (It's the cheapest soap known to man. I used it when I was on welfare.), the fact that we were only given 2 towels and one washcloth, how the handle came off the hot water when I tried to shower and the fact that there was no top sheet on my bed. Yes, I said my bed. This dump had 2 double beds, and being the larger people that we are, we slept separately. Kevin had already set up his bi-pap machine by his bed, so I decided to stay put rather than make him move all his stuff. I was even noble enough to tell him to keep the sheet when he offered it to me, because he's so hairy that I was afraid something would decide to live on the forest that is his back, overnight. We couldn't get housekeeping to come in to clean or give us towels and a sheet the next day, so Kevin went to the desk about it. The clerk handed him a handful of towels and told him to go find housekeeping about the sheet. ("I don't know where she's at. Somewhere out there .)
Marianne ~ Yeah, but I haven't told you about Beth's rabbit that runs loose in her apartment, yet.
I always enjoy your posts. You should be a vacation critique.
If the hotel is a franchise, headquarters should not only know about how good but also ahout how shoddily their branch is being run. So first, send a letter about the place you stayed at. Since you made reservations online, you can find their address on the Internet and tell them everything you found that was disagreeable about your stay. Let them know with no holds barred... send pictures even! I bet you they get their Public Relations people busy and try to appease a disgruntled customer... they will at least refund your money and/ or send you complimentary certificates for a free stay at their hotels next time you travel to another city where they have another hotel. Can't hurt to try!
Yeah -- let's go with "lovely." The I can't spell the other prospects, mostly because I don't know how to spell how a terrified scream of OCD-borne terror. I'll work on that and get back to you.
Duckie ~ I don't think they're interested in customer satisfaction, or I would certainly be raising some hell over this. They're severely understaffed and I doubt they care. They're smack dab between a brand new Hilton and a brand new Trump Towers. The other hotels in the area are magnificent. I think they're just waiting for the right price so they can sell it. The property must be worth megamillions.
Kris ~ If you could have seen what was on the other side of the curtains, that would have been more likely to keep you awake.
Joy ~ Does WAAROOOBAAFFFFLLIIIICWEEEEE!! work for you? It did for me.
They are playing the waiting game.
And hey! I had a pet rabbit that ran around the house. He was potty trained to his cage.
Then, I thought about the cost of staying at Trump Towers or the Hilton and realized that most of the spring breakers probably couldn't afford those places and they'd have rooms for us.
Then, I thought about the cost of those rooms and how much we'd already spent and decided I could live with where I was at for 2 nights.
YES, I am a snob - that place was DIRE!
sharon ~ I kind of thought the curtains looked like circus tents.
(You're a medical professional. You know how serious they are.)
Marianne ~ I only looked good because my largeness was hiding behind Kevin. I'm very good at concealing myself in pictures. You'd be shocked if you saw me. But thanks anyhow!
Monica ~ The whole damn place needed to be burned.
It's funny how time changes one's perspective. I stayed in places in Ft. Lauderdale that looked very similar when I was in college and in Florida for spring break. I thought nothing of it at the time.
And here's another missing
Thank you for posting to this group whose only purpose is to thank you for posting to this group.
Thanks, Ruth. ;o)
Then I had to recite the magic words, circle around three times and sacrifice a goat. That's how I knew there were no lizards in my shoes.
There was a lizard in the condo when John and I went to the beach last year, but it didn't bother me because I figured it was keeping the place free of spiders.
We northern ladies (and I use the term "ladies" lightly) are much better with birthing babies and growing turnips than doing anything that has to do with a lizard.
Ruth ~ Well, you just gave me an entire new reason to vote down retiring in Florida. I spent all this time convincing Kevin that it was the thing to do, and now that I have him believing I'm right, I have to tell him to forget about it.
If I ever found a lizard tail, a tailless lizard or my cat playing with one of those fuckers, you'd hear me all the way in California.
Just as creepy as a bird. *shudder*
You crack me up. Each time. Every time.
Lisa ~ Our beds weren't made up on our second day there. Kevin did it, because they wouldn't give me a top sheet and he had to go find one, himself.
I kept imagining a lizard taking up residence in my luggage. I kept everything zipped very tightly. I wasn't planning on taking home any lizard jerky that I was unaware of.
It would be a best seller for sure!
what a disappointment! i'm sorry that you had to go through that.