Tales from Leprechaunia 83
Einstein's Quandary
When Professor Einstein O'Blarney-Stone heard that Professor Egghead McBoffin had declined to produced the Giovanni MacO'roni Hit Man Book of the Dead, the Vice Chancellor of the Royal University of Leprechaunia was in a quandary. He couldn't pull rank on Professor McBoffin because Egghead had disappeared into the dark bowels of the Holy Leprechaunia Church, wildly brandishing a Catholic potato. If that was successfully crossed with a Catholic Mexican jumping bean, the Church would have a theological terror weapon of mass destruction to thrust down the gagging throat of the Leprechaun Protestant Church. And now it would be a Protestant miracle, indeed, if the Holy Leprechaunia Church was somehow induced by the Prince of Darkness to refuse research funding to Professor McBoffin.
Unquestioningly, a jumping hybrid Catholic potato would see Egghead awarded the Nobel Prize in Energy Saving Potatoes! Although winning this award would bring honour to the university and thus attract well-funded bums on seats, it was most unwelcome. For it was certain that a highly acclaimed Professor McBoffin would suddenly have strong claims to the university's long vacant post of Chancellor. It had taken ages for the Vice Chancellor to undo the damage inflicted by the last old duffer at the titular helm ... and bumbling Egghead was a walking disaster near any helm!
Beside which, it was highly unlikely that the university would be awarded two Nobel Prizes. And Professor Einstein O'Blarney-Stone was determined to damn well secure this award for his own monumental Vice in the Chancellery - an astounding expose of university bureaucracy that he'd almost completed. Indeed, two cases of the finest black label Schnapps Hamburg had already been sent with copies of the finished manuscript to each of those who would be conducting laudatory peer reviews while lying legless in the horizontal position under the tables of The Prostrate Leprechaun tavern.
Obviously, Egghead had to be stopped from inflicting jumping Catholic potatoes onto an already crazed world that badly needed to embrace Vice in the Chancellery. And there was no one better equipped for that defensive mission than Understormfuhrer Heidi Von Tramp. After all, she'd starred in the Severe Stormpoopers Chorus Line on the eastern front until, at Stalingrad, she had decided that being under storm fuhrers in the snow and ice was a pooper of a storm just too cold.
But now Heidi was his very own Personal Assistant, Special Duties. And so it was that he summoned her from the special duties bunker under the Biology Faculty - a bunker that was fortuitously connected via a secret tunnel to the chancellery's basement where an express elevator shot directly up to his own Vice penthouse at the very top ... from which an astronomical telescope was absent-mindedly fixed on the female students' communal bathroom across the quadrangle.
The tunnel and elevator allowed for the discrete passage of Understormfuhrer Heidi Von Tramp to come goose stepping in her jackboots, whip in hand, without raising disgusting rumours as to the nature of her special duties in assisting him personally. Of course, her cracking the whip while he lay tied spread eagled and whimpering on the wallowing water bed was merely part of his ongoing field research to prove his brilliant formula of e=mc2, or Enjoyment = Merrily Celebrating multiplied by celebrating. It was just as well that Professor Einstein O'Blarney-Stone was unaware of Understormfuhrer Heidi Von Tramp telling all when she was under her fuhrer, Colonel Karl Kaput, the former commander of the lost 69th Sauerkraut Pansy Division who now resided in the bunker under the The Prostrate Leprechaun tavern.
Be all that as it may, the Vice Chancellor dispatched the understormfuhrer with an urgent letter to the headquarters of the Holy Leprechaunia Church. In the letter, Professor O'Blarney-Stone pointed out that as a faithful son of the Church there were compelling grounds to believe that the so-called blue Catholic potatoes were actually pagan potatoes - the very root stock for the newly discovered but abominable Protestant potatoes - and were so obnoxious to eat that they would make the very angels weep! Naturally, Einstein pointed out that these so-called Catholic potatoes were so disgusting that God obviously intended learned sons of the Church and thus guardians of the ignorant, bleating flock to extrapolate the conclusion that these simply had to be damnable pagan potatoes. But he thought it totally irrelevant to mention that the likely death of pagan potatoes kept alive the awarding of the Nobel Prize for his own Vice in the Chancellery.
Obviously, it was God's intention that Professor Egghead McBoffin be once more available to turn his world expertise in gardening as an extreme sport to the compilation of the definitive history of the Potato Wars, with passing reference to the Goblin Sauerkraut Wars. This would accommodate the stipulation by the Three Wise Kings in a recently bestowed royal research grant - a most generous one - for the university to produce this definitive historical work. Einstein's hopes for a knighthood rested on it.
But that still left the need to research and complete the Giovanni MacO'roni Hit Man Book of the Dead - payment on the completion of that would also be handsome. However, Einstein wouldn't be seen dead with his name on it. Yet with Professor McBoffin now effectively ruled out for the job, the Vice Chancellor only momentarily considered Professor Confucius Foo-Leprechaun. But Einstein knew that the wily sage would never risk soiling his reputation with such a hair brained and tarnished work. Understormfuhrer Heidi Von Tramp was also out of the question - Mr Giovanni MacO'roni had already declined her not inconsiderable personally-assisting special duties. Besides which, Heidi had promised to make him have fun in the bunker, licking her jackboots as she pole danced around a U-boat's salvaged periscope. That left Colonel Karl Kaput, now the bartender of the The Prostrate Leprechaun tavern, as a Stalingrad-type of possibility.
Then with a stroke of sheer genius, the Vice Chancellor decided to outsource the production of the Giovanni MacO'roni Hit Man Book of the Dead to the Holy Leprechaunia Church. He knew that young Father Ignoble - a trainee shaker and mover in his capacity as private secretary to Monseigneur Pierre Frank O'Cork and also as personal assistant to Monsignor Tony Coliseum - was in a hurry to fulfill his ambitious to become Pope. The production of any book of the dead would surely help him leap up the ladder to Your Grace,to Your Eminence and then to the jackpot of Your Holiness. And with a grateful Pope Ignoble 1 installed as the rock, a papal knighthood would surely come the way of Einstein. And indulgences to ensure a golden passport to Heaven would surely not be entirely out of the question, either!
See also:
Tales from Leprechaunia - series 1
05 Widow Weeds
09 On the Wagon
Leprechaunia the Brave - Lyrics
Leprechaunia the Brave - Lyrics (re-posted for St Patrick's Day 2009.)
Tales from Leprechaunia - series 2
17 A Werewolf-Vampire by Any Other Name
20 Serendipity
The Leprechaun Stood on the Burning Deck - Lyrics
Tales from Leprechaunia - series 3
22 The Three Wise Homeless Leprechauns
23 The Three Wise Mummy Leprechauns
24 The Three Wise Nun Leprechauns
25 The Three Wise Hari Krishna Leprechauns
26 The Three Wise Buddhist Leprechauns
27 The Three Wise Pilgrim Leprechauns
28 The Three Wise Unemployed Leprechauns
29 The Three Wise Academic Leprechauns
30 The Three Wise Associate Professor Leprechauns
Leprechaunia the Olde - lyrics
Tales from Leprechaunia - series 4
32 First Casualties of the Second Vegemite War
33 The Battle at The Slumped Leprechaun
35 The Victorious Vegemite War
36 The First Goodwill Expedition
39 The Last Post for the Fallen
40 Blessings
Tales from Leprechaunia - series 5
43 Sister Minty
45 Fellow Travelers on the Road
48 Plotters and the Sergeant of Police
Tales from Leprechaunia - series 6
51 The Royal World Mud Wrestling Championship
54 Captain Pegleg Sook & Spotted Dick
56 The O'Mohican-Leprechaunia Nation
57 The United States of Leprechauna: a Potted History
Tales from Leprechaunia - series 7
65 The Holy Association of Hit Men
69 Hitch-hikers
Tales from Leprechaunia - series 8
72 On the Cards
74 The Widow Peg O'Blarney-Stone Unleashed
75 The Royal Leprechaunia Navy
77 The Discovery of Protestant Potatoes
78 The Theological Problem of Protestant Potatoes
80 The Revelation of Catholic Potatoes
Tales from Leprechaunia - series 9
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Comments: 49
But of course, he is Einstein O Blarney Stone.
Featured in the Triple Name Club.
Thank you very much for the honour of featuring this tale, my friend.
Poor Egghead robbed of his Nobel Prize in Energy Saving Potatoes. Who knew that ESP stood for Energy Saving Potatoes?
Tell me... how might one find out about the "stipulation by the Three Wise Kings in a recently bestowed royal research grant - a most generous one"... and whether they might be interested in Tlingit potatoes, and old world strain with untold special characteristics.
Magi, you never fail to delight. The Surreal Circus
Thank you very much for the compliment.
I'm never flying again.
I can never see the landing lights,
and the stereo's on the fritz again.
Peace Train is more to my liking,
and the rails and roads travel paths I know.
If I had to walk the mile to find a camel,
the match and sulphur might strike accord.
that was his way,
the prevailing winds
you followed.
Your words now echo,
in the hollows.
If you care for spud beer,
I tell you,
it is not sold here.
are welcome in my casa.
They shy away from those,
who stomp on terra ferma.
Potato mash is not the best,
that this poor life can offer.
A toast to life,
and all that life can offer.
Happy hour will serve the sad,
even on the eve of New Years.
For those who thirst,
we do not ask for change,
from small pockets.
Outsourcing even in Leprechaunia. Oh, my!!
And thank you very much!
Retire from the business and have fun, my friend. LOL
It was Charlie Chimpanzee who wrote that - he was drunk on fermented banana smoothies at the time.
As you goose step about, do remember to salute often...doing so enhances the experience of Understormfuhrer Heidi Von Tramp's high kicking in the Severe Stormpoopers Chorus Line.