Sherry Talbot was absolutely beaming when she raced through the door, throwing her purse on the nearest chair. "Kimmy, come here!" she yelled. "You're never in a million years going to believe this."
"Remember that guy we met at Bernard's Bistro two weeks ago? Mikah? "
Kimmy plopped unceremoniously on the sofa, looking questioningly at her roommate "You mean the tall, dark and hunky you called 'Barnabas'? Yeah, I remember him, why?"
"Oh honey, I just ran into him again. We talked for like, three hours, and guess what? He asked me to go away with him for the weekend. Have you ever heard of Kokomo?
"I know there's a Kokomo in Indiana, but why in the world would you want to go there?" Kimmy inquired.
"No, he said its in the Keys, as in Florida Keys. Did you know he has his own plane? I'm so excited I could just bust. Me, in the Keys in January. How cool is that?" Sherry exclaimed as she started gathering tiny thonged things from her bureau and tossing them into a suitcase.
"I don't know, Sher, I've never heard of it, and that guy even gave you the creeps when we met him. You called him Barnabas, for God's sake. As in Barnabas Collins?"
"He didn't give me the creeps, he was intriguing in a Gothic sort of way, and how often do I get the chance to get south of the Mason Dixon line in the dead of winter? I'm going, toots. This is too good to be true. For the record, he thought the Barnabas thing was funny. Anyway, when he asked, he mentioned several places, not just Kokomo. Aruba, Jamaica, Montego, Martinique, but I myself chose Kokomo, because he said he has an estate there. An ESTATE, Kimberly. Who have I dated ever, who owns an estate? This I gotta see."
"Just be careful, Sherry."
"He said 'We'll get there fast, and then we'll take it slow'. How romantic is that, Pal? I'll be careful, though. Dont' worry, it'll be fantastic, and I'll bring you a souvenir. Promise."
Settling into the plush seats of the jet, next to Mikah, Sherry let her mind run wild, dreaming up romantic scenarios of her wildest desires, bodies in the sand, tropical drinks melting in her hand, moonlit nights, falling in love to zydeco rhythms. She was in heaven, or hoped to be soon.
Mikah poured them both a glass of Cristal Champagne, and soon Sherry was feeling a little woozy. 'It's all the excitement' she thought before drifting away into slumber.
Sherry awoke with a start. "What the...?" she exclaimed, as she realized she was tied to a hospital bed. The room had an airy feel to it, and to her right she could see palm trees and a lovely white sand beach. To her left, she spied a table laden with what appeared to be surgical instruments.
Mikah arose from a cane chair and rounded to the side of the bed in which the table sat.
"Good morning my darling. I'm sorry you slept through the ride up here. The island is quite beautiful this time of year." He said calmly, picking up a scalpel. "I'm sorry you won't be seeing more of it than you currently see from the window. Didn't I promise you that we would get here fast, and then take it slow? Shall we begin?"
Sherry screamed as she had never screamed before, but Mikah was right. It was a private island, after all.
This short story is a result of the prompt for this week's Saturday Writing Essentials . Thank you St. Joy. The idea is to take a song, any song and write a story about or including it. This is my effort..Twisted as it may be.
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Comments: 51
Is this better? Glad you liked it.
Marilyn
You are so way ahead of me!
No, I'm rather behind on the Tuesday prompts. I have 6o ask, can you share in private? Inquiring minds want to know..hee hee.
I see my troll dropped by...Hi sweetie!!!!
We aims to please.
Its been my experience that the trolls are too ignorant to make an intelligent comment, even if they detest the article. I no longer take it as an affront to my writing skills, even though I know they are mediocre at best. I wear my "1's" proudly. I have arrived...lol
Donna, this is excellent. Your dialog rings true and the interspersed bits of lyric in the body add a cute touch. Couple of things, though: Using "whom," instead of "who," in this instance, sounds kind of stilted. You might want to think about knocking the "m" off to keep the breeziness of the tone of voice.
Also, you've got a bit of a verb tense issue in the second paragraph. You went from past tense to present tense, and it screws with your flow. I catch myself doing that all the freakin' time. I'm really good at frustrating myself by creating extra busy work for myself that way.
It's really great, Donna. You really do wonderful dialog, you know. Gold star!
I changed the whom to who, and fixed the tense issue. I really appreciate the critique.
I noticed the violence theme when I read Sharon's piece. Who knew such placid songs could bring out our inner Wes Cravens'?
I think, if I were going to tie that song into such a suspenseful horror story, I might have used it as a flashback, or as a friend recognizing the lyrics used as lies to entice her friend into leaving with him. Then our disbelief is mirrored in the friend's and kept separate from the horror aspects.
Why this particular song came to mind when I read Joy's prompt is a mystery to me. I used the song as a springboard, as if the actual song did not exist. Should I take this idea farther, I may use your idea to have the friend reflect on the similarities between the song and her pal's untimely demise.
And, I meant to be more clear -- I think you did an excellent job with the assignment, writing a story inspired by a song. I love that it isn't what we might have first envisioned. I'm just, unfortunately, trapped by my opinion of that song as it runs through my head.
For the record, I love "Kokomo", although I know it was a totally commercial venture and not even close to being one of The Beach Boys best. But like Joy said "It's got a Good beat and you can dance to it". I have it on my road trip CD, as one of my favorite "roll down the windows and let her blare" songs.
You can avoid all that by leaving the lyrics out of the article, though, Donna, because it *is* such a familiar song.
That got foiled when my son showed up and fell asleep on the couch. I hate to disturb him; even at 27 he's still so cute when he's asleep...
Just something about those "happy tunes" that brings out the mad scientist in me, I guess. Can't speak for my fellow authors, but ya gotta admit, we're a unique bunch to begin with.
Danielle may have a point. I have to redo my taxes before the 15th. I did them, got my refund, and lo and behold, I got another W-2, from the company which was bought out last year. Damn, Damn Damn.
Anyone who has heard that song with be "with" you immediately!
That is a good idea, but I'm afraid "Sherry" would not have gotten on the plane in the first place had she realized there is no Kokomo in the Keys.
And thanks for the <. I never know when I'll need one, and now I have a spare.
I feel so cheated!
Nope. I read, years ago, that the songwriter needed a catch phrase, and lit upon "Kokomo", knowing there was no Kokomo in the Keys or anyplace other than Indiana. It was poetic license, so to speak. That is one of the reasons this tale took a sinister turn.
I know the story has too many references to the lyrics to publish outside Gather without getting rights.
I sure hope so. Perhaps the friend searches for Kokomo online, when her pal doesn't return from her romantic weekend, and tells the police about the fictitious Kokomo when reporting her missing.
Loved it! Stars for the dialogue!
Well done. :)
Actually, I had the scientist from "Robot Chicken" in mind when I penned this.
Barb,
You could always use U2's "Sunday Bloody Sunday". Thanks.
This was fun Donna.
Yep, it's "Kill Off the Character Day" on Gather, or so it would seem. Thanks. Yours was great also.
St. Joy The Baptist M. © Cranky-Pants, Mercenary and Coroner , Apr 11, 2009, 3:58pm EDT
i see no anger in my guy in the desert joy. i was thinking more along the lines of say somebody at Burning Man.
Again, isn't music supposed to calm people down?! =)
I know I got the inspiration for writing this by reading the lyrics, and having known that Kokomo is fictitious, and an invitation to actually go there would mean something foul was in the works.
Maybe this excercise just serves to prove that we're all just a bunch of whack-jobs.
I didn't kill anyone. Just a soul.
All I'm missing is the cone bra...lol Yes, you didn't kill her, but your piece was chillling nonetheless. So much for that "music soothes the savage breast" thing.
The extra "l" is on me.
On the other hand being the suspicious sort that I have become in my old age I would have been crying "NO! Don't go!" if this had been one of my friends.
I think most of us would too, but those kids, an impetuous and impulsive bunch they can be. I Sherry and her roommate as single, and mid to late-twenty-ish. You know, the ones who still have stars in their eyes and go ga-ga over a good looking rich guy. The ones who still see romance in every little gesture.
Maybe we should back-off from watching so many Twilight Zone Episodes. - LOL
Good one, Sweetie.
Yeah, but you love it, at least I hope you do. Its a little late in the game to get all "normal".
Thanks sugar!
Bummer, didn't get to read the original. I'm not a Beach Boys' fan, so barely recognized the locations. On the other hand, I got the "Barnabas" reference immediately. (Wasn't Quentin so, ahhhhh, dreamy?) lol
Now, excuse me for being out-of-it, but is Dark Shadows showing up on paid TV somewhere? I know the two ladies talking were young and naive, so was a bit confused about how they knew about Barnabas, Then again, with The Beach Boys' Song, I thought it was possible this was set decades ago, back when I was young. (Sorry, still tend to lean towards naive. lol)
Either way, once I heard that the Barnabas in my mind (surely there has to be other Barnabases out there) was the same reference, I knew this would not end well. Well, that and is it ever safe to take a trip with someone you've known for a whole 3 hours?
Thanks for the creep factor. I feel so naive again - didn't kill off any of my characters. (She killed herself off, I can't help that. lol)
Sorry it took so long to get back on this. "The Chiller Channel", on cable has been running Dark Shadows on Sundays, about 5 or 6 episodes at a pop.